


(Mis)Adventures of Zuko and Toph

by lets_support_frogs



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Ambassador Sokka (Avatar), Anxious Zuko (Avatar), Asexual Zuko (Avatar), Bisexual Disaster Zuko (Avatar), Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Bisexual Suki (Avatar), Bisexual Zuko (Avatar), Depressed Zuko (Avatar), Eventual Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), F/F, F/M, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Jet (Avatar) Is An Asshole, Jet (Avatar) Lives, Jet (Avatar) Redemption, M/M, Mentioned Ozai (Avatar), Minor Sokka/Suki, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, POV Zuko (Avatar), Panic Attacks, Partially Blind Zuko (Avatar), Partially Deaf Zuko (Avatar), Past Child Abuse, Past Jet/Zuko (Avatar), Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Toph Beifong, Suki & Zuko (Avatar) Friendship, Toph Beifong & Zuko Friendship, Toph Beifong Being Awesome, Toph Beifong and Zuko are Siblings, Zhao (Avatar) Is An Asshole, Zuko (Avatar) Has Issues, Zuko (Avatar) Needs Therapy, Zuko (Avatar) is Bad at Feelings, Zuko (Avatar) is an Idiot, Zuko (Avatar) whump, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), boy is out here forming horrible relationships, mental illness stigma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:47:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 109,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28307742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lets_support_frogs/pseuds/lets_support_frogs
Summary: Following the end of the war, the gaang splits up to continue their lives in times of peace. With everyone going their own ways and Toph the only one still at the Fire Nation place (as she didn't want to return home) becomes closer friends with Zuko during this time as she decides how to pass on the skill of metal bending. She refuses to leave him alone as she watches him sink into depression at the idea of being abandoned by everyone again. Considering they have one eye and two braincells that Zuko doesn't know how to use and Toph has never tired to use between them, their friendship causes mishaps as well as growth and support as they visit each other on various occasions usually resulting in Toph making a lot of enemies as she tries to drag the Fire Lord away from his duties. Then mix a solid amount of Zuko angst into that and here we go, this thing.Zuko and Toph just vibe in this and have no thoughts head empty, they have the very close sibling dynamic, not dating.In which Zuko has far too much trauma and receives love and affection from his odd group of friends and a therapist because lets be honest, he needs one.Updates every Wednesday (EST)
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar), Bato/Hakoda (Avatar), Hakoda & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Jet/Zuko (Avatar), Mai & Zuko (Avatar), Mai/Suki (Avatar), Mai/Suki/Ty Lee, Mai/Ty Lee (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka & Suki (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Sokka/Suki/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Suki/Ty Lee (Avatar), Suki/Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko, Toph Beifong/Zuko, Zhao/Zuko (Avatar), Zuko/therapy - Relationship
Comments: 167
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

The last several days had been...a lot. Zuko had spent the past two months with team avatar and council officially ending the war, bringing troops home, officially resigning and making treaties. The war was officially over and this was the first time in days he had been alone. Meetings with world leaders followed by parties followed by more meetings. It had drained Zuko’s very limited capacity for social interactions. He could stay up for days at a time but now was so tired and he needed to sleep but was so full of anxiety, he couldn’t. He knew that he was hungry, he could feel his mind begin to cloud, his hands shaking a little, and hunger gnawing at his stomach, growling at him to be fed. He was too anxious to eat, the thought of it made nausea wash over him. The nausea was probably also from not eating, but that was just part of his life. Nausea because of not eating and not eating because of nausea. Zuko had ended up sitting on his bed, knees pulled to his chest, face buried in them, too exhausted to cry no matter how bad he wanted to. 

All of his friends, except Toph had left, they had very good reason to but they had. Aang and Katara were traveling to restore balance, something the world sorely needed. Suki had gone back to the Earth Kingdom to lead the Kyoshi warriors again. Ty Lee and Mai had gone with her. Things had stopped working between Zuko and Mai, they knew it would end badly if they kept lying to themselves and each other about loving each other romantically. They loved each other deeply and didn’t want to ruin their friendship for keeping this up. Everything should have worked with them but...it just didn’t. He was happy for her, it still hurt though. He wanted Mai to be happy, but he missed her. He may not love her like a boyfriend should anymore, but she’s his best friend. 

Then there was Sokka who was back in the South Pole helping to rebuild it and training to be an ambassador, a position Zuko had offered him, but that training wouldn't bring him back to the Fire Nation for a long time. He missed Sokka so much. Zuko had become close to Sokka. He was kind, intelligent (even if he was a complete dumbass as well), highly skilled in various fighting techniques, funny and never pushed too far. Sokka let Zuko just spend time with him, talked to him, but didn’t grab him, didn't touch him...even with Sokka he wouldn't mind being touched as much...he might even like it. Sokka didn’t insult him or yell at him for his shortcoming or failures. Zuko liked being around him...and now he was gone. He felt sadder than he should at Sokka’s absence. He couldn’t get his friend's face out of his mind.

Toph had quickly made friends with the staff, impressed and intimidated much of the council, and had fun tearing up important areas and then putting them back together long before she could be reprimanded. She must know that Zuko was the highest authority and could get her out of any trouble she got into...but thankfully he didn’t need to. 

Zuko had always had something very specific driving him forward, always something to lean on. When he was younger it was the strict guidelines his father set out for him in training and education, he had his mother and then his uncle to lean on. Then it was finding the Avatar, he had uncle to lean on and anger to fuel him. Then it was fighting the war, he had determination to fuel him and his friends to lean on. Then it was ending the war. Now it was...proceeding from there. Zuko didn’t know how to do that. He didn’t know how to go on.

Father was in prison, Azula was in a mental institution, his friends and ex-girlfriend was gone, his uncle was in Ba Sing Se, and Toph was occupied with other people who had far more to offer than he did. Zuko just felt so empty, too tired to be sad, too anxious and exhausted to eat or sleep. He was too exhausted to cry. He didn’t know what he wanted or what he needed. He just wants to be happy, he wants to join the rejoicing with the rest of the world with this time of peace. He’s miserable. He doesn’t understand why he can’t be happy without being surrounded by distraction.  _ Am I broken? Do I deserve to feel like this?  _ He thinks to himself miserably. He feels a tear roll down his cheek. It just slips out, no effort, it just does.

Zuko slumps down on his side, arms and legs sprawled loosely around him, tears rolling down his cheeks. He doesn’t have the energy to pull himself together, it’s night, he will have hours to find the energy to pull himself together, to rest, to recharge himself. He’s so emotionally exhausted, he feels so empty. He feels like he has a creature made of sadness and anxiety is gnawing away at him, creating a pit inside of him. The creature never grew to fill the void that it kept creating. He felt so empty, so cold, so alone. He needed to feel something.

He hears a knock on the door, he stays silent. Whoever it is will assume he is asleep, leave him alone, not see him like this. He’ll pull himself together in the morning, whether or not he gets enough sleep, he always does. As cruel as his father was, he had taught him a lot of important lessons, such as how to hide the fact he had been broken long ago, hide deep inside of himself, still be a soldier, still be a leader. He had to be. 

“Sparky? I know you’re awake...you don’t seem okay. Can I come in?” He hears Toph say, uncharacteristically concerned. Zuko doesn’t answer, he doesn’t have the energy to talk loud enough for her to hear him. He hopes she’ll go away. The door won’t stop her from seeing the state he is in. He can’t hide from her.

The door opens and Toph quietly walks in, sitting on the bed next to Zuko, gently touching his arm. “Sparky...did something happen? Did someone do something to you?” She asks, expression pinched with worry. “No...just...like this.” He says quietly, closing his eyes. “What do you mean you’re ‘just like this’? You’ve never been like this before as far as i'm aware. You’re good at hiding your emotions...but you’re always terrified no matter how well you hide it, I can feel your heart...feel like you’re seconds away from a heart attack at all times. You’ve never been like this, Zuko.” She says quietly, laying down next to him, facing him, placing her heavily calloused hand gently on his cheek. “Please talk to me, Sparky. You’re scaring me. I’m worried about you. You seemed off for awhile but I thought it was just because you’re painfully introverted and awkward...you’re not okay.” She says softly. 

Zuko shrugs awkwardly in his position. “No one did anything to you? You promise me no one hurt you?” Toph asks seriously. “Promise.” Zuko whispers sadly. “Is this about Mai?” Toph asks, raising her eyebrows. “I know it was kind of a mutual thing, but this is the first chance you will have gotten to mourn it.” She says, wiping a tear from his eye with her rough thumb. That was partially true, he did miss Mai a lot. She was just...gone, along with everyone else...Toph would only be here for so much longer until she started her own life. She had talked about opening a metalbending school. 

“Yes.” Zuko whispers, not opening his eyes. “True...but what else? You do remember that I can detect lies...not that it’s hard with you. You’re an awful liar, Sparky.” Toph says in a light tone.  _ Fuck.  _ “Just...everyone’s gone and you’re gonna be gone too...I understand...I’m happy for you, I am. I just…” He trails off, biting his lip. His mother had abandoned him. She had gotten fed up with him and left him in the hands of his father. He was used to the feeling of abandonment as it had become a constant in his life. Zuko just wished he would start getting used to the pain, that one day it wouldn’t hurt so much, but it did everytime, somehow it just kept hurting more. 

“You know none of us are gone forever, Zuko.” Toph whispers, punching him lightly in the shoulder. “You would have to be crazy if you thought that I wasn’t going to come visit you. What other royal would allow me to build sculptures of myself in the hallways?” Toph asks, smiling widely at him. Zuko lets out a soft but genuine laugh. “King Bumi would an - wait, you did  _ what _ ?” He asks, sitting up, not feeling the creature gnawing at him. “Oh yeah, he would. Sparky, I know you’re hearing isn’t the best, but I have been erecting statues of myself around the palace.”

Zuko smiles a little more, wrapping his arms around the Earth Bender who seems so tiny but could absolutely destroy him. “Thank you, Toph...I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me...I’m sorry.” He says quietly, lowering his head in shame. “It’s okay, Sparky. I’m just worried about you. I’ve never seen you like this before. You usually hide your emotions like a lot.” She says softly, squeezing him a little.

“Also I know that you haven’t been eating. I’m well aware that you haven’t eaten anything in awhile, and I know you don’t have any meetings for a few days. We are going to eat together and I don’t wanna hear any of your bullshit or I will invent bone bending. Where would you like to eat?” Zuko cocks his head at her a little, smiling slightly. “I would like to eat by the turtleduck pond...and what is bone bending? Can you control bones like waterbenders can control blood?” He asks, honestly worried what would happen if Toph had that kind of power. “Bone bending is where I break you fucking legs for being a little bitch.” She says, shoving him roughly and flopping down on the bed.

“It’s so hot in this damn country, why do you have blankets on your bed.” She grumbles,shifting away from Zuko’s body a little as she turns on her side, facing him. “Are you uh...staying here? Like in my room?” He asks, giving her an awkward look. “Yes, I am, I don’t care what you say. I’m not leaving you alone like this, you’re worrying me. If you did anything to yourself I-”

“I’m not going to kill myself, Toph.” Zuko says, a little too forcefully, angry at the suggestions that she thought he was going to end everything after a few bad things, that he was going to leave his broken country behind after a time of war in someone else’s hands. It would likely go to Iroh...but it wouldn’t be fair to do that to him. Uncle had his own life in Ba Sing Se...where he didn’t have to be burdened with Zuko anymore. Where he could  _ have _ his own life. 

“I’m worried you’re going to hurt yourself, Sparky. Just because you aren’t going with the most extreme, irreversible option doesn’t mean I won’t feel guilty. Please, just get some rest. You haven’t slept in days. You aren’t thinking clearly. I won’t be as worried about you tomorrow, please, Zuko.” She says pleadingly. 

Zuko nods once, laying his head down in the pillow, planning on glaring at her the whole light but exhaustion takes over his whole body as he gets in that position. Not the emotional exhaustion he had been feeling for days, physical exhaustion. He lets out a yawn, snuggling down in the bed. “See what happens when you aren’t an angsty bitch all the time?” He hears Toph say. He grunts in response before he feels the world fade, drifting into blissful sleep.

  
  
  
  
  


Zuko slowly opens his eyes, blinking at the light around him. He feels a little groggy but the aches in his body are all but completely gone. He groans, slowly sitting up, running a finger through his growing black hair. “What the fuck?” He grumbles to himself, blinking in confusion as he sees multiple Tophs standing about eight feet tall in various over-heroic positions. They look to be made of stone, the same stone that the place is made of. “Toph, what the fuck?” He grumbles, standing up. As soon as he does, his vision is blurred with static and his head feels too warm, a wave of nausea running over him as he sits back down, shaking his head.

“Look who’s finally up. I considered waking you up but you never sleep that peacefully so I figured I would let you rest. For the statues, I got bored and wanted company. I said I wouldn’t leave you and I didn’t...you were really worrying me, Zuko.” She says, uncharacteristically affectionately. 

“You got bored that easily? You probably fell asleep the same time that I did and the sun has been up for less than an hour, 43 minutes to be exact. I doubt you’ve been awake more than an hour.” He says, scowling at her. A plus of being a firebender was his impeccable sense of time due to his connection to Agni. “Yeah, it’s 43 minutes after the sun is up, what, a little more than thirty hours later?” Toph says, shrugging nonchalantly. “I slept through all of yesterday?! You let me do that, why-”

Zuko cuts himself off yelping as he tries to stand again, collapsing to the ground, barely catching himself with his hands. “Shit, Zuko...I’m going to go ask for a healer and get you something to eat...I thought you might just be hungry before because you don’t take care of yourself...I’m really worried about you.” Toph says calmly, touching Zuko’s cheek gently. 

“Toph, I’m fine, I have shit I need to do, I’m the Fire Lord after a w-”

“Yeah well you can’t help anyone if you can’t even stand up. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is to rest. If you don’t, I’ll tell your uncle. You take care of yourself now, you should be back to 100% in 2 or 3 days, you push yourself for a bit longer and it may be over a week. Or several months because I’ll bone bend your legs, dumbass.” Toph scolds him. She had been spending  _ far  _ too much time with his uncle.

Toph gently helps him to his feet and back into his bed. Despite the fact that Zuko has witnessed Toph throw enormous rocks around with glee, he is always surprised at how strong she is. She could probably throw him without even using her bending. He wouldn’t want to go toe to toe with her ever, let alone when she was an adult and no longer a 13 year old. “I’ll be right back, Sparky. I’m gonna keep an eye on you.” She says, pointing at the statues of herself before running out the door. Zuko just groans, laying back down and falling back asleep before he even knows what he’s doing.

  
  
  
  


“My Lord? You’re Majesty? Can you hear me?” Zuko hears someone say softly, gently shaking his arms. Zuko groans, opening his eyes to see a man standing next to him, touching his arm. Zuko sits up, blinking several times to try and clear his vision, not succeeding at doing much. “I was informed by your friend, Toph, that you haven’t slept or eaten in several days but just slept for over 24 hours and that you were having trouble standing, is that true?” Zuko nods grudgingly, eyes flicking around the room, looking for Toph. The real Toph, not the fucking statues, he wanted her here. He felt nervous around the man, he wasn’t sure why, he just did. 

“Your friend should be here in about twenty minutes, she’s with the kitchen staff, at least that's where she said she would be. They’ll bring you something up soon.” He says, moving a hand up Zuko’s shirt, touching his face with the other. Zuko wants to slap him, to tell him to get the fuck away, but he doesn’t, he just lays there, unsure what the purpose of this was. “You feel very warm, you have a mild fever.” The man says, removing his hands from Zuko who exhales a breath of relief. 

“Are you alright, My Lord?” He hears the man ask. Zuko nods once. “I just don’t like being touched.” He says plainly.  _ Bad experience.  _ He thinks. The man nods. “My apologies, my lord. Nothing seems to be too severe. Your fever is mild. You need to make sure to get lots of fluids, protein, and rest. Please don’t try and do much or any work for the next few days. I know you want to serve your nation, but your nation needs you to be well. I hope you will heed my advice.” The man says. “Thank you, sir...what’s your name?” Zuko asks. “Lee.” The man replies simply. “Thank you, Lee, I’ll make sure to do that.” 

Lee bows and leaves the room. Zuko sits up, leaning against pillows, waiting for Toph to come back. He knows that the reason he feels so nauseous is because he hasn’t eaten in....four days now, but he really doesn’t want to eat, not sure if he can keep it down. He has to. He has to get better. He leans his head against the headboard, still in a sitting position, eyes closed, waiting for Toph to come back.

He feels a wave of relief when the door opens. He sits up straighter and opens his eyes, happy to see Toph again. That is quickly followed by a wave of hunger as he smells food coming in after her, his stomach growling loudly. Toph laughs, jumping on the bed and sitting next to him. “This is what happens when you don’t eat your food.” She says, grinning at him. Zuko scowls, forgetting she can’t see his expression. Toph ignores him as she thanks the servants who set trays of food on the bed. Zuko smiles at them, nodding and thanks them quietly.

When they leave Toph begins filling a bowl and forces it into Zuko’s hand, demanding that he eat, smiling when he does. He ignores the repulsed feeling he gets when he begins to slowly drink broth from the bow. He knows he’ll start feeling better after a few minutes once it settles in his stomach, then he can move onto the solids. 

“Hey, Zuko...the entire time we have known each other we have either been fighting in a war or working to end a war...we haven’t really gotten to know each other like personally.” Toph says, looking away from him shyly which seemed...odd to say the least. “I’m still really worried about you and there is nothing that you can do to make me leave, I don’t care if your the Fire Lord, we both know that you won’t have me arrested for treason and that I will break your fucking legs. I wanna get to know you better. Like ask each other questions, get to know each other more personally?”

Zuko bites his lower lip, very unsure about that. He wants to get to know Toph better...but he isn’t sure if she will  _ really  _ want to get to know him better, she might not like what she learns. She might leave him if she knows, she might leave him if he says no, already seeming on edge. What she says she is going to do and what she does do could be two very different things. “Can we stop if I want to?” He asks, choosing the middle ground. “Of course, Sparky.” She says, face lighting up. Zuko nods once.

“Okay, I’m gonna go first. How did you get the scar?” Zuko’s blood runs cold. 


	2. Chapter 2

Zuko isn’t sure what to do. He doesn’t want Toph to leave, at this point, there is a good chance she’ll eventually realize she doesn’t want to be around him in times of peace. His uncle didn’t, his own mother didn’t, the others did have good reasons to leave but being away from him was likely a plus. Definitely a push factor. Toph was here because Katara and Aang were in the beginning of their relationship and were still pretty oogie and so she didn’t have anywhere better to go. She was here by default, not by choice, and that would change. She had talked about opening a metalbending school and seemed serious about it. He had seen her working out details late at night, schematics carved on the walls over her room. 

He didn’t want to talk about it, but he needed her to stay. He needed her to stay as long as she was willing to, he couldn’t cut it short. He needed to find at least someone who would tolerate him or at least more time to come to terms with being alone. “Sparky...I’m sorry, I thought it was like you being an idiot during training...I didn’t realize it was traumatic...you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He hears Toph say, giving him a look of concern. Zuko realizes that it's been far too long from when she had asked the question for him to just be thinking how to tell it and his hands are shaking horribly. He clenches his fists and holds them close to his chest.

Zuko bites his lips, unable to read Toph’s expression past looking at him with pity. “Zuko...why d-”

“M-my father challenged m-me to an Agni Kai for speaking out of turn and I wouldn’t fight so he burned and banished me.” Zuko says as fast as he possibly could, really not wanting to go into any more detail than that, breathing heavily, blinking tears away. He feels Toph take one of his shaking hands in her small, strong ones. “You’re father’s the one who taught you to hate yourself so much, didn’t he?” That wasn’t what Zuko was expecting to hear.

“I hate myself because I know that people can always see who I really am and begin to hate me too. I know everyone does. You don’t need to pretend, Toph, I know you just feel bad for me. Pl-please don’t go yet...I don’t wanna be alone, I like being around you, but you don’t have to pretend to like me, I understand. I-I think of you as one of my closest friends...if I’m just an asset to you, I-I won’t be upset...it’s more than I am to most people.” He says softly, closing his eyes and looking down. 

Zuko feels one of Toph’s hands leave his and comes to his cheek, turning his face up gently. He isn’t sure what to expect but it isn’t Toph’s lips pressed against his. He isn’t sure what to do, he gently kisses her back before pulling away, shocked. “Sorry, Zuko...wasn’t sure how else to properly articulate it...you know I’m not good with words.” She says, giving him a small smile, blushing a little. Zuko just looks at her, knowing if he says something he would ruin everything. He wants to say something about the fact that there is an age gap that was wide enough to be uncomfortable at their current ages. He wants to say that he just broke up with Mai and still wasn’t fully over her yet. He doesn’t want to say that as much as he kept trying to deny it to himself, he was pretty sure he had a massive crush on Sokka that only grew when the water tribe boy had left. He isn’t sure how to say or if he wants to say that he has had really bad experience with a relationship before back in Ba Sing Se and another that was more made of encounters during his banishment that still haunted him. He still did not like being touched suddenly, especially if it was intimate. Mai’s movements had always been predictable, she had seemed to sense something was wrong and she was more reserved and less spontaneous. He wasn’t sure how to say any of it without upsetting Toph, risking her walking out on him like everyone else had. 

“I know that there is a bit of an age gap.” Toph says, bringing one of the most pressing worries to light, glad she had brought it up. “It’s about three years, and it matters now but as we both get closer to adulthood it won’t...if we took things slow it could work.” She says softly, giving him a smile. Zuko bites his lip, feeling deeply uncomfortable with the whole situation. He really isn’t sure what to say. He doesn't know what he wants but he knows he doesn’t want this. When will anyone ever want you again? He hears his father’s voice whisper in his mind, Zuko can hear the sneer in his voice. 

Zuko nods once, unsure how deep Toph’s ability to detect lies went. His heart rate had been at the same pace this entire time, he had been nervous throughout this conversation, he doubted she would be able to tell he didn’t want this. It becomes clear that she doesn’t know when he feels her snuggle against him, resting her head on his shoulder. “Eat your damn food, Zuko.” She says, taking a bite of rice pointedly. Zuko returns to picking at his meal, praying that he’ll be able to keep it down. 

“So...what are you planning to do with your metal bending school, and don’t say ‘bend mental’ or we’re going to have issues.” Zuko says quietly, looking over at his friend after several long minutes of silence. Toph grins, punching him in the arm. “Gotta hand it to you, you know me, Sparky.” Toph says, sitting straight up and grinning like a maniac. 

She then launches into a detailed description on how new students will first need to prove their earth bending skills to her to even get into the academy due to the fact that she is extrapolating from her one person sample that metalbending is an advanced skill to begin with. She would be wasting her time teaching students who couldn’t even earthbend properly. She told him the forms that they would need to master and the skills they would need to display for them to be granted entry. 

She then tells him how she has sent out word, with the help of some scribes she had spoken to, (Zuko makes a mental note to find out who she spoke to because she probably terrorized them so he can compensate them for their trouble) for any help in locating meteor rock. It isn’t deemed the most useful substance. So, despite its rarity, for most people it is too hard to work with and isn’t particularly pretty for jewelry it isn’t valuable. Therefore it wouldn't be too difficult to buy off of people. Apparently it’s the easiest stepping stone between earth and metalbending. It isn’t a very pure substance so there are a lot of familiar particles that can be worked with. Zuko just takes her word for it on the grounds that he knows absolutely nothing about earthbending.

She then tells him that once they perfect their technique, they will move on to purer and more common metals such as steel and iron that they would be more likely to bend in a real situation. She assumes that it should be an easy transition from there. However, she doesn’t know considering she first bent a metal cage fueled by spite. Zuko smiles at her, happy that his friend has become so invested and excited about this. She will be able to pass this knowledge down to other people, completely reforming the way that the Earth Kingdom functions. 

“That's absolutely amazing, Toph!” Zuko says, excitement filling him for real for the first time in...months really. He can finally feel good again. Maybe he wasn’t broken. Maybe he would be okay. Toph smiles at him. “I am pretty amazing, aren’t I.” She says, touching his cheek. “And I’m glad you’re feeling back to yourself, Sparky. It’s quite amazing what some sleep, food, and good company will do for you. You’re uncle is right about a lot of things.” Toph says, running her thumb along Zuko’s cheekbone.

“Yeah.” Zuko says wistfully, missing his uncle so much that it hurts. He wanted Iroh to be here in the Fire Nation. Zuko wishes he had been kinder to him before...maybe uncle wouldn’t have grown tired of him so fast after he had a life to go to, away from Zuko. Then he feels Toph's lips press against his and his stomach drops. He had forgotten that he had agreed to this. Already, he had forgotten he signed himself away to his friend so he wouldn’t be alone, so that maybe she wouldn’t leave. Maybe if he gave her what she wanted, there could be one person in this world who loved him and chose him first like no one ever had. Maybe uncle...but Iroh had chosen Zuko at a very vulnerable part of his life. Iroh had used Zuko to fill a Lu Ten shaped hole in his heart. Zuko should have cherished that position for as long as it lasted, he should have known it wouldn’t last. He should have known he would push uncle away like he did everyone else. He should have known uncle would find a life that would make him happy. Zuko should have taken that opportunity to show uncle that he loved him, that he appreciated him. Instead, Zuko had scorned Iroh at every turn, and now he was gone. Iroh was gone and it was because Zuko was destined to be alone.

Toph pulls away, looking devastated...but angry...so fucking angery. “T-toph...are you okay? Did something happen? Did I do something wrong?” He asks desperately, biting at his lip, not sure what he had done. “Zuko...was it just your father who hurt you or was it someone else as well, and can I kill them?” She asks, face pinched in anger. Zuko flinches a little, well aware that Toph outmatched him. She could demolish him if she wanted to. “What d-do you mean?” Zuko whispers, looking at his trembling hands, avoiding looking at Toph without moving his head. 

“Zuko...I can feel your heartbeat...you hate this...you absolutely hated when I kissed you. You don’t have to pretend to want a relationship with me when you clearly don't. You could have said you don’t think of me like that, that you just think of me as a friend and I would understand. Yes, I shouldn’t have just kissed you that first time, I should have said something...but Zuko...who has made you think that you don’t get to say no? Who hurt you? Please tell me...please talk to me.” She says softly, wrapping her arms around his shaking shoulders.

Zuko digs his fingernails into his thighs, nerves building. “D-didn’t want y-you to leave...thought y-you might leave i-if I said no. Thought you'd he-hate me.” Zuko whimpers, not looking up. Toph holds him closer. “Zuko...I’m not going to hate you because you just think of me as a friend or a sister and not as a girlfriend. Just because I feel a certain way about you doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to feel the same way about me. Please...what did Ozai do to make you think that you’re worth so little?” Toph asks sadly, rubbing his arm, an unusually gentle way for her to show affection. 

Zuko shrugs, feeling tears well in his eyes. He had never opened up to anyone before. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to...but the words just come flowing out without his will. “H-he always told me how disappointed he was in me. Every day during training he would set really high expectations for me...and if I couldn’t meet them...which I often couldn’t...he would punish me.” Zuko whispers. “Th-theres really light scars all over my body...they’re hard to see...I know impossible for you...but my father would grab me and heat up his hands until he would leave a burn. Then he wouldn’t let me eat until I could prove myself. It’s why I can go multiple days without food or sleep...I had practice. A lot of nights after I’d gone several days without food so that I was constantly in pain, my mother would hold me and we would just cry together. She used to sneak me small amounts of food to curb the hunger pains, but when my father found out, he had a guard hold her back and forced her to watch as he beat me into unconsciousness.” Zuko chokes out, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Then after my mother disappeared...it got worse. He was crueler...she wasn’t there to comfort me. It's when he told me that when I was born he thought I wasn’t a bender and that he wanted to throw me over the palace walls. The fire sages and my mother had begged him to give me a chance and after a month I coughed up a single spark so they announced my birth to the public. He said that Azula was born lucky and that I was lucky to be born.” Zuko finishes, crying a little harder.

Zuko realizes that his shoulder is wet, and he’s deeply confused when he realizes that Toph is crying too, holding him close, comforting him, and mourning with him. Zuko had never told anyone about his fathers cruelty throughout his life, and it felt strangely liberating. Part of him had always expected if he told anyone, at best they wouldn’t care and at worst they would defend Ozai, telling Zuko that what his father had done to him was necessary, that what his father had done was to mold his pathetic son into someone that people could be proud of or at least not scorn. Say that Ozai should have been harder on him because Zuko was still far too weak. He was never expecting for someone to cry for him...especially not Toph who hid emotions such as grief. 

Toph eventually looks up, not bothering to wipe her tear stained face. “I am so, so sorry, Zuko.” She whispers, cupping his cheek in her small hand. “I always knew that your father was cruel...but to treat you like that your entire childhood and to burn you like that for speaking out...I’m so sorry. He’s a disgusting, vile man. I’m going to fucking murder him. I’m actually going to invent bone bending, like practicing my bending on his bones. If I can’t break his bones with my mind I’ll do it with my hands and rock. He thinks he can treat a child like that? Well I’m gonna show him how a child is gonna treat him. I-”

“Toph...It’s okay...I’m over it.” Zuko whispers sadly. “Zuko, you know that that’s bullshit I can tell that you're lying. Even if you did believe it, you clearly aren’t over it. You just agreed to a relationship with me that the reminder you were in filled you with dismay. We weren’t even an hour into it and you already hated it. That means that it wasn’t a ‘oh what the fuck was I thinking’ moment when you had meant it then and didn’t want it anymore. It was something you didn’t want to begin with and that you are convinced you needed to do whatever I wanted just to get me to stay with you like you had to buy my friendship. Zuko...he fucked you up. He’s evil. Where is he? I want to kill.” Toph growls, clenching her fists.

“Toph...It’s alright..I-”

“Tomorrow you and I are going to fuck with your dad on the grounds he’s awful. I’m going to terrorize him. You have to give me some limits...some reasonable limits. If you don’t or give me far too narrow limits, I will create my own and there will be no limits. I might kill him, I might not, either way, pain.”

Zuko wraps his arms tight around Toph, wanting to be closer to her. He wasn’t sure if she was serious about hurting his father...but she was genuinely angry for Zuko. He felt...valid. He felt like for the first time that maybe he hadn’t deserved everything his father had done to him growing up, that maybe he could one day deserve to be happy. Iroh hadn’t known about everything Ozai had done to Zuko growing up as he was off fighting in the war, and Zuko had never told him. He had never thought someone would ever be angry for him like this. “Thank you, Toph.” He mumbles.

“So this means you’re gonna show me where your dad is being held and we’re gonna beat him up? I’m ready. We’re going tomorrow, eat your food, we're going tomorrow!” Toph says a little too enthusiastically, pulling out of his arms and ladling more noodles into Zuko’s bowl and pushing it towards him. “Are you being serious about hurting my father?” Zuko finally asks after taking a few bites.

Toph nods. “Yes, Zuko. I’m being completely serious. He fucking hurt you so much and deeply along with so many people around the world. He deserves it.” Toph says softly but voice full of anger. “Ozai is a truly evil man. Living in a cell for the rest of his life is too good for him. He deserves it.” Toph says, holding him tightly again. “I love you, Sparky, no one is going to hurt you again. We’re going tomorrow to see him. You show me where he is and then I won’t build him into the walls and you get closure. If you don’t, I’ll find him myself and build him into the wall, okay?” Toph says, giving him a small smile.

Zuko bites his lip softly before nodding slowly. “Okay...don’t do anything too crazy, though. I want to respect Aang’s wishes...and getting him killed would put me in a really bad light in the Fire Nation people’s eyes considering it wouldn’t be to end a war but just out of anger. It would paint me as a tyrant. I want to heal the nation and help bring the world into a better era, not throw it into a new conflict.” Zuko says quietly. 

“See, you do make a good Fire Lord, Sparky. You’re a good leader and a better man. You’re gonna be okay.” Toph whispers. “Thank you, Toph. I really needed to hear that.” Zuko says quietly, smiling to himself as he rests his head on Tophs. “We’re still beating the shit out of your father, though.” Toph says after a long minute, Zuko laughs a little. “Alright, Toph. We’ll beat up my father.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update, I get super excited about my other fic and update too much lol

The moment Zuko had woken up Toph had shoved food at him. “Sparky, good, you’re up, eat up.” She says, grinning wildly. Zuko groans, shoving it away. “Toph, I’m fine. I don’t eat breakfast.” He grumbles, sitting up and stretching. “Well you do now!” She yells far too loudly for this hour, shoving rice wadded up with some vegetables into his mouth that she had probably condensed in her fist moments before from the bowl on the bed. 

Zuko shoots her a half hearted glare but starts diligently chewing, not feeling it necessary to spit it out to make a point. “Get dressed after you eat. It’s a beautiful day!” She cheers, pointing out the window at the overcast sky drizzling down rain. “We are going to beat up your father. By we, I mean I am going to do that and you get to watch and have closure. Then just leave him in there for the rest of his miserable life with no human contact.” Toph says, clasping her hands together in glee. Of course the only time that Toph got excited in a way that made her start acting like a giddy 13 year old girl was when she could be violent for a cause. 

Zuko swallows his rice and vegetable wad, shooting her another glare, standing up. “So, that wasn’t a fit of passion kind of thing...you really want to beat up my father?” Zuko asks tentatively, swallowing before he continues. “You really think...he was wrong? That I didn’t deserve that?” He whispers, picking out more casual clothes from his closet for what they would be doing. He doesn’t turn around to face her, not sure if he can stand to if she doesn't answer in the affirmative. He can bear it, he’s heard it so many times, but he can’t see her face, that memory can't be engrained with a visual as well from someone he considers a friend.

“Zuko...no one should ever treat a child like that...it’s horrible. How you still found a way to learn to trust and be kind again is nothing short of a miracle. He really snuffed the light out of you for a long time, didn’t he Zuko?” Toph says softly from directly behind him, causing him to jump a little when she touches his shoulder. Usually he would be able to tell when someone was sneaking up on him, even someone as quiet as Toph. Years of cruelty had taught him how to be observant even with impaired vision and hearing. His nerves were on edge today and he was having trouble focusing on his surroundings. He was dissociating. 

Zuko slowly turns around to say...something to Toph. He opens his mouth and he gets another rice wad shoved in his mouth. He glares at her, a lot of the darkness in his mind clearing, as she cackles, skidding back across the room towards the bed. Zuko follows, finishing the rice. “You know, this is supposed to be eaten with chopsticks and sometimes dipped in delicious spicy, salty, or sweet sauce. Not wadded up and shoved in your mouth. Also, I can feed myself.” He grumbles. “Also...would you be able to tell if I changed...because you’re blind but also very perceptive...you’re  _ very welcome  _ to leave though. I’m not gonna do anything to hurt myself in ten minutes.” He grumbles, crossing his arms, huffing a little. 

He loved Toph, he really did...but she was so stubborn it was ridiculous. In her defense, he definitely could do something to hurt himself that she may not notice like burn his leg while putting on pants by-

He pushes that thought out of his head, it’s not what he needs right now. Those thoughts go from hypothetical to...not so hypothetical very quickly. Toph smirks at him a little. “Fine. I’m standing near the door though, and if I have any reason to think you’re doing anything I’ll bust down the door.” She says, beginning to walk to the door. “Also, Toph, can you  _ please  _ take down these statues of you in my room...they’re all staring at me...it’s creepy.” He says, looking at their far too lifelike faces. 

“You either get the statues or the real thing, bud.” She replies, closing the door behind her. Zuko grumbles about treason and banishment the whole time he is changing and how he is the Fire Lord and that some earth bender isn’t the boss of him. Most of it is to keep his mind focused on Toph and not how easy it would be to heat up his hands too much, singing himself. Maybe Toph wouldn’t even notice if he made it look like he was struggling to keep the waistband on properly, leaving a red mark on his stomach. He is successful in that endeavor at least, changing himself without getting burned. Thats one for the books. 

Zuko walks out the door, hands shaking a little with anxiety. He wasn’t sure if he could face his father, even if it was Toph’s fists that were going to do the talking. Toph is leaning against the wall, one foot on the ground, the other pressed flush against the wall, arms crossed. “Sparky...we don’t have to see him if you don’t want...I’m sorry if I pushed you.” He hears Toph say, her expression growing worried when she sees him. Zuko shakes his head. “If not now, when? Anyways...I won’t be able to see him without you there and come back okay.” He says quietly as they begin to make their way down the corridors. 

“Toph...I wanna talk to him first. Alone. Like not  _ alone _ alone...I don’t want him to know you're there. He’ll go too far at some point...he won’t take long trying to tear me down. Come out then? You can do what you want...don’t kill him.” Zuko says softly, looking down at the ground as they exit the palace and make their way towards the capital city prison. 

When they reach the door, Zuko clutches Toph’s hand in his own, trembling a little. “W-will you leave if I-I don’t end up being able to do this?” Zuko says quietly, voice trembling as he looks at her. Zuko wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle seeing his father, he didn’t know how he would react when he saw the man who haunted him. The man whose voice told him he didn’t deserve to eat, should hurt himself, should kill himself, reprimanded him for any and every mistake he may make throughout any day. The face of the man who haunted many of his dreams. The face of the man who taught him not to trust, who taught him that Zuko would push everyone away from him, or they would be taken, and he would be alone. Zuko wasn’t sure he could see his father. 

“No, Zuko.” Toph says sadly, gently punching his arm with her free hand. “I will have to leave at some point, but it won’t be because of you. I actually have an idea I thought of last night. I’ll tell you about it when we get back to your room and you calm down. You’re eating a nice big bowl of broth and noodles while you calm down. When we get back and you're resting the rest of the day and are only doing paperwork tomorrow.” She says, tugging on his hand a little towards the prison.

Zuko takes a deep breath and walks into the prison, making his way through the winding hallways, feeling sick. They make their way to his father’s cell, stopping at the last place before Ozai would be able to see them. “Are you sure you want to do this, Sparky?” Toph asks gently, giving him a concerned look. Zuko shakes his head, hugging himself tightly. “Look, we can go back, i-”

“I-I’m gonna go in...I want him out of my head. I want him gone. Maybe this will get rid of him.” He says softly, walking though the last bit of shadowed hallway to his father’s cell. Zuko sees the figure of his father slumped against the wall, hair falling in his face. Zuko stands outside the cell door, trying to stay as still as possible, to regulate his breathing, to not show his absolute terror. 

He hears a low, cruel laugh coming from the cell as his father turns to him, sneering. “So, what is it you want from me, son.” He says, hating how calmly his father was able to talk, how much venom he was able to put into each word. Zuko opens his mouth, trying to speak, but his mouth had gone dry. He flexes his fingers, forcing them not to start shaking. He can’t show his father how scared he is. Zuko can’t show his father that he still holds so much power over him, even in a cell.

“What? Come to cry about your mother again? I should have let her take you with her. Worthless child.” His father growls, turning to face him, sneering still. “I know you know your worth as well as I do. I know you hurt yourself in the past...I know you do it still. You need a physical reminder of your failure.”

“Sss-stop.” Zuko whimpers before he can stop himself, more fear and pain in his voice then he ever wanted to display ever in his life in front of anyone. Especially not his father. Zuko feels sick as he wraps his arms around his stomach. He wants the numbing and protection offered by his anger back. It helped him keep everything locked down inside. So he had been angry all the time...but so many unintended consequences came from that. Those hurt too. It takes all Zuko has in him to force himself not to either cry or give back into that.

“You are your mothers son. A disappointment, weak despite your blood, unable to seize opportunity even when it is handed to you. The only thing you don’t have from her is her courage. Your mother was brave...you’re just reckless, when you think things through fear stops you. You can’t calculate. You’re pathetic. Scared of your own father who’s without his bending and in a cell.” Zuko wants to take a step back, he wants to run, but he can’t, he’s frozen. He’s immobile. He’s stuck here with his father.

“I-I’m not sc-scared of you.” Zuko replies, trying to sound fierce but it comes out as panicked. He doesn't know why he ever even bothered to try and lie to father or Azula, they were both fantastic liars and just as good at picking lies up. Zuko was a terrible liar to begin with, much to people's surprise, and too many people he was scared of knew it.

Zuko hears laughter before his father lunges at him, leaving Zuko to stumble back into the wall, yelping and trembling violently, hugging his knees to his chest. “You aren’t scared of me, really now boy?” Ozai says, standing and sneering at Zuko who is still on the ground, holding himself tighter. “How did you grow up to be such a fucking disappointment? I always knew you would fail me, you were always weak, less motivated, I always knew Azula would triumph over you in every way. But this...this is just fucking pathetic. I regret allowing your mother and the sages to talk me out of killing you the day you were born.  _ That  _ Is your birthright, not the throne, not power, not anything but to die. A disappointment before you could even open your eyes. You’re more of a disappointment now that I could ever have dreamed possible. After everything I put you through, I at least hoped it would make you strong, that was the point, but look at you.” Ozai is just shaking his head as Zuko continues to tremble, unable to even think about bringing himself to his feet or to calm down. “I think I actually did you a mercy by sending your mother away, she wouldn’t be able to see you like this. You would have to lose her love. You fucking c-” 

Ozai suddenly stops talking at the same time there is a loud thud, the scraping of rock, and a yelp of surprise and pain coming from his father. Zuko glances over at the cell again and his father is on his knees, arms and legs cuffed with rock, his face low to the ground. “You shut your fucking mouth, you mother fucker.” Toph growls, stepping out of the shadows, glaring at Ozai, trembling with rage. 

His father just laughs. “What, Mai finally realize she’s too good for you, that she deserves someone who isn’t a fucking coward? This your new girlfriend? Best you can do is a 13 year old blind earth bender? Even for you that’s low.” Toph just throws Ozai against the wall as the cuffs release, the district sound of bones breaking and a loud scream. 

“You shut your fucking mouth about him.” Toph growls, sending Ozai flying into the air with a protrusion of rock suddenly popping up and allowing him to crash back down. His father is laying on the ground, face and arms bloody, gasping for breath. He probably has multiple broken and cracked ribs, definitely a fractured skull and broken arm and nose. Toph sends him into the back wall again. “Only one of you is in a fucking cage without his bending right now, only one of you is hated by the world, only o-”

“T-toph!” Zuko cries, struggling to his feet, still shaking. “St-stop, y-you’ll kill him.” Zuko whimpers, looking at her desperately. Toph turns to him angrily. “Zuko, the man tortured you and feels no fucking remorse. He’s here defending himself and you want me to just let him alone? He deserves this.” Toph growls, whirling on Ozai who flinches. It brings a tiny bit of satisfaction to Zuko’s heart, watching the man of his nightmares react with fear while helpless.    
  


“J-just want t-to g-go back...pl-please do leave m-me alone...don’t think I-I can b-be alone r-right now, ca-can’t be here.” He whimpers, needing to be away from his father but frozen still in his gaze. He feels Toph’s strong hands take his, leading him away from his father, back to somewhere safer.

The walk back is a blur, Zuko just pulls up his hood with his free hand trying to hide his identity but mostly the tears stream down his face. He can’t stop crying, can’t stop shaking. Toph doesn’t say anything as they walk, she just holds his hand, leading him down the hallways out of the prison, across the muddy palace grounds and back through the halls of the palace into his room. She gently sits him on his bed, pulling his hood back and hugging him.

“I’m so sorry, Zuko. I knew that he was a horrible man considering what he did to the war...but what he did to you personally...every time I find out more, it’s somehow worse than I thought every time. I shouldn’t have pushed you to do that, but it’s over, he finally got what he deserves.” She says softly, running her fingers through Zuko’s hair, his cries fading out, trying to catch his breath.

It hurts...hurts a lot that despite so much time his father has had to think about all of the things that he has done to Zuko, to Azula, to his mother, to the world while in solitude, he is still the same, horrible person. He has no regrets for anything that he had ever done. Not even to his own fucking son. “N-no...thank you Toph...I need to let him go, I hope that is the first step to that. I don’t want him to hold any power over me anymore. He’s taken so much of my life from me so far, I don’t want him to have any more of it.” Zuko says softly, leaning against his friend. 

“There’s the spirit. The physical injuries will last him awhile and they will remind him of what he deserves. Please don’t go to see him. He’s one of those people who needs to know that he holds a position in your life, he needs to be relevant. It doesn't matter if he is respected, feared, or anything as long as he is relevant to you. Don’t see him, don’t talk to him. Just let him go, let him rot away in a prison cell for the rest of his miserable life. There is so much that you have going in your life. Don’t let him take that from you before it’s even started.” She replies, smiling at him. 

Zuko lets out a long breath, laying down on the bed, feeling emotionally and physically drained from everything that had just happened in a relatively short period of time. He had confronted Ozai, his father, his abuser, the man of his nightmares, and Zuko wasn’t the one to walk away bloody and broken. Well, Zuko hadn’t confronted him as much as Toph had in his name, but still, it meant something. His father finally knew exactly what Zuko thinks of him. How much Zuko hates him, even if he also knows how much fear Zuko still holds, there is no chance that a desire for Ozai’s acceptance will ever get him out of that cell. 

Toph lays down next to him. “Zuko?” She says softly. “Hmm?”

“Sorry again for kissing you. I should have said something, I should have asked and not just done that so suddenly. It will never happen again, I can promise you that. Also, if you ever think that you need to date someone to keep them in your life and that they won’t leave for good, you probably don’t want them in your life if they can’t respect your boundaries. You can say no, remember that. You deserve a relationship with someone that you love who treats you well and makes you happy. Okay?” Toph says, snuggling up next to him.

Zuko is silent for a long moment. He doesn’t want to get into an argument with Toph about what he deserves and what he doesn’t. Toph doesn’t understand how much of a burden he can be, how so many people have already cast him aside despite trying to please them in every way possible no matter how much it hurt him. That the only way he’ll ever be able to have a relationship is where he learns to love whoever will settle for him, the Fire Lord title is the only thing that will ever even get someone to do that. The one person he has ever really loved in a romantic way is unsurprisingly taken and is way out of Zuko’s league. Kind, smart, funny, innovative, loyal, brave. Funny how a Water Tribe peasant is above the fucking Fire Lord in that sense...but that’s just because the Fire Lord just so happens to be Zuko. A thing that can be used and cast aside. That is what everyone had done to him and it hurts so fucking much just to think about. When he thought about it too much he even fully believed that uncle was simply using him to fill the Lu Ten shaped hole in his heart and nothing more, that the plan always was to leave. Zuko tries not to think too hard about it for that exact reason. That one cut the deepest. 

“Thank you.” Zuko finally whispers sadly. It is nice to hear the non gender specific person that Toph is talking about...maybe she wouldn’t mind if she knew what he was, then again, same sex relationships were the most taboo in the Fire Nation, not as much anywhere else...she might be upset if she knew he liked Sokka. Toph rests her hand on his cheek. “I know you don’t believe me right now, but you’re going to find someone who you love and who loves you.” Zuko just nods once.

Toph begins telling him more specific plans about her metal bending school, trying to distract Zuko. It works pretty well at lulling Zuko into an easy sleep.

  
  
  
  
  


Several days later Toph is ready to leave for the Earth Kingdom to open her metal bending school. “Sparky, we are meeting at least four times a year, possibly more if one of us gets a break in our schedule, but at least four. It will be on both of the solstices and the equinoxes.” She says proudly. “Why?” Zuko asks, a little confused. “Because they’re easy dates to remember, they’re equidistant, and the rest of you benders get all excited about the different positions of the sun and moon and bitch about the spirituality behind your bending. My bending comes from rocks and is for rocks because it isn’t a little bitch.” Toph says, punching Zuko’s shoulder. 

“Why can’t I just contact you and we figure it out from there?” Zuko asks, raising his eyebrow, that was how most people made plans. “I can’t read or write, dipshit.” Toph replies monotoned. Zuko smacks his forehead. “Stupid!” He exclaims. “Smartest thing you’ve said all day. Write to the others on my behalf if you want the others to join. I will see you on the spring equinox! We’ll drink until the sun comes up!” She yells, walking away.

“Toph, you’re literally 13, I’m not giving you alcohol.”

“Oh so I can’t drink but I can fight in a war? Also, how are you going to stop me, my Lord?” She asks, giving a sarcastic bow. Zuko just smiles affectionately. 

Once she is out of sight, he already misses her, already counting the days in his head until the spring equinox.  _ Too long.  _ He thinks sadly, turning to go back inside. _Far t_ _ oo long. _


	4. Chapter 4

It is finally two days before the spring equinox. Two days before Toph gets here. Two days before he can finally feel wanted again. He has made some friends of sorts with some of the staff in the palace. Several servants and a few guards, they were of course friendly to him as it was likely assumed they had to be if they wanted to keep their jobs. It’s the main reason why he wasn’t able to consider them simply friends. Zuko wouldn’t put them on the spot and ask something like that, it would be unprofessional and likely make them deeply uncomfortable. He likes to pretend that these few didn’t despise him behind closed doors or that they simply didn’t care about him one way or the other. He likes to pretend that seeing him brought the same bit of joy to their day as when Zuko saw them and was able to speak with them about something casual, easy with no weight. It was nice.

He tried to not think about the fact that he meant nothing to them despite their difference in ranking. In a palace that is in a city both full of people, Zuko always feels so alone, isolated, cold, despite the insistent heat of the Fire Nation. It was something he sank into a little deeper every day. Every day it became a little harder to wake up, to go to sleep, to eat, to bathe, to get dressed, to talk, to smile, to act professionally and do what he needs to so that the nation may move forward. It is a dark, heavy fog that follows him everywhere, suffocating him, isolating him from the world he so desperately wants to be a part of. 

Over the past two and a half months, Zuko has written to his uncle on multiple occasions and Iroh has always responded. Zuko has sent and received a total of 13 letters, Zuko never replied to the most recent one Iroh sent even though it had been weeks. Zuko has told Iroh about the work he has been doing to begin his task at healing the world from the corruption of the Fire Nation. He never told Iroh about how he and Toph had confronted Ozai, or how sad and alone Zuko always feels despite everything around him. He doesn’t tell uncle that he's sure he’s broken. Zuko can’t drive uncle further away than he already has...but not replying to the last letter probably wasn't a good call to help with that.

Iroh has told Zuko about how the tea shop is running, how he has helped rebuild the city as an atonement for his nation’s crimes, how he has become close with many of the people there. The girl that Zuko went on a date with, Jin, Iroh ran into her again. She had started working at the Jasmine Dragon, and a few weeks later, Iroh had met her mother whose husband had died years ago. In the last letter, Iroh had told Zuko that he and Jin’s mother had started seeing each other in a romantic way. Zuko is happy for him, he really is, but a stupid, selfish part of him feel replaced and unwanted. Also in that letter, Iroh had mentioned that Aang and Katara had stopped by to visit, that it was nice to see his family again. Again, Zuko is happy for Iroh, but that same part of him feels alone and forgotten about. 

Zuko had cried himself to sleep the night after reading that letter. He felt used up, useless, worthless, unwanted, replaceable. It’s because he is all of those things, he always has been and always will be. After that letter, there are several more cuts from his broadswords and multiple burns from his own hands added to his collection of scars and healing wounds. He didn’t eat and barely slept for three days, passing out at one point from running himself too thin. He had deserved it. He knew that his father would mock him for being broken down so easily. He seriously considered seeing his father, letting him tell Zuko the truth, not hide behind professionalism or kindness, and tell Zuko the truth of what he really is. Zuko never did.

Zuko is pretty sure that the main reason why he was so upset was that in almost every letter, Iroh told Zuko he was loved but never that he was missed. He never invited Zuko to visit him in Ba Sing Se. Zuko wasn’t wanted there, Iroh had the memories of Zuko when Iroh needed him to heal his heart, now, Zuko is useless and no longer needed or wanted. Zuko had told Iroh that he missed him twice, never inviting him back to the Fire Nation on the grounds that as the crown prince, Iroh was publicly welcome to the palace and the Fire Nation, and as the Fire Lord, the invitation may appear as a summons. 

Uncle is gone, someone Zuko had needed for so much of his life and still does is gone. Iroh didn’t want him anymore, doesn’t want to see him. Zuko is a distant memory from a life that Iroh is no longer forced to live. Iroh has a new family, people who can show their appreciation in a way Zuko never could. Zuko had tried to write uncle back at least five times, but every time he just started crying or threw it in the fire before he could attach it to a messenger hawk.

At least Toph is coming soon. At least he can forget about the aching pain of this loss with her here. She may be his only friend in the world and he loves her so much. He can’t express how grateful he is for her. She is the only one in his life who wants _him._ No matter his flaws. She had cared about him romantically and hadn’t gotten upset when Zuko had rejected her advances, she instead went out of her way to show him she wasn’t upset enough to leave him behind, instead she made him feel wanted, valid, and loved. Even if only for a few fleeting moments, she did something miraculous. 

Zuko had wanted to write to the others to invite them over, invite them to the palace to see Toph opposed to him...but he couldn’t. Zuko had written a letter to Katara and Aang and never sent it. He had written a letter to Mai, burned it. He had written to Suki and Ty Lee and never sent it. He had written a letters to Sokka over and over again, never able to send any of them, the ones that turned out more of a confession of his love that he never intended to send he burned. Zuko knew Sokka wouldn’t want to see him, everything between them ended the day Sokka left the Fire Nation...well for Sokka it had. For Zuko it had only begun when they went to the boiling rock together, he felt a spark between them that he stupidly couldn’t put out the second he found out Sokka had a girlfriend he spotted in there. 

It would just be him and Toph. That would probably be for the best. Toph wouldn't have people she is far closer to than him. He being alone around people he fought a war and traveled the world with would be far more devastating than when around anyone else. Yes, this is for the best.

  
  
  
  


The spring equinox is finally here. It’s the morning of it, and as almost always, Zuko is awake with the sun, feeling Agni’s pull into consciousness. What is unusual is that Zuko actually gets out of bed as soon he wakes up, getting dressed. Despite his better judgement he did get some rum and wine, unsure if Toph was being serious about drinking. He didn’t want to make her regret coming here, he had to offer her something. 

He tried to not worry that she wasn’t really going to come, but it was difficult not to. He doesn’t have to wait long when he hears guards yelling at someone to put down the weapons and to stop laughing like a maniac if they don't want to be attacked and will need proof of their invitation to the Fire Lord. That had to be Toph. Zuko hadn’t made any meetings with anyone for the next week, unsure how long Toph was able and willing to stay. 

Zuko runs to the gate to stop this from escalating any further and someone gets hurt. Toph is standing in front of a group of 12 guards, indeed laughing like a maniac. She is also holding two swords in her hands, wielding them completely wrong. “I’m sorry for the trouble.” Zuko says to the guards quickly. “This is Toph...she’s just like this, it’s okay. She won’t actually attack anyone for no reason.” Zuko says, unsure if that was true or not, but he trusts Toph not to hurt any of the staff.

“My Lord, she says that she has been approved to have an audience with you, is this true?” One of the guards asks, looking confused and concerned. Zuko nods solemnly, swallowing, sure that these guards were going to think of him with contempt from now on. “Toph, please turn your swords into something else...come in.” He says, trying to hide the nerves in his voice.

Thankfully, she complies, turning the swords into metal arm guards, the guards looking at her with fear and amazement. Most of them had probably heard that the Avatar’s earth bending teacher invented metalbending, but this was probably the first time they had seen her do it, maybe some even believed it was a myth.

“Come on, Sparky!” Toph says loudly, grabbing Zuko’s hand and leading him to the palace as if she was the one who invited Zuko here. She hadn’t gotten to know too many of the staff, mostly the guards inside and the kitchen staff. A lot of the time she spent in her room or on the training grounds. Considering not many of the people out here had seen Toph and Zuko interact before and it was likely an odd site, a 13 year old, blind earthbender bossing the Fire Lord around the palace in the Fire Nation.

When they get back to Zuko’s room Toph gives Zuko a judgmental look. “You got rid of my statues!” She cries dramatically, throwing her hands into the air. “It was creepy having you stare at me all the time especially when I was sleeping or changing or something like that. An earthbender came to the palace at one point about two weeks after you left and it was kinda awkward but I had her take them down for me. _Don’t_ put any more up, please, Toph.” Zuko says quietly, trying to indicate that he wouldn’t find it funny this time.

Toph just nods, sitting down. “What’s wrong, Zuko?” She says almost immediately, looking at him, concerned, indicating that she wanted him to join her. Zuko just joins her, not saying anything, knowing now that it was fruitless to try and lie to her. Zuko was a horrible liar to begin with and Toph was a master at detecting them. So he says nothing. Silence had become his go to opposed to anger. It’s easier, less exhausting. 

“Did something happen between you and Iroh? I visited him in Ba Sing Se when I was getting more meteor rock in the area almost a week ago. I went from there, to the school, then directly here. Being able to move the top surface of the earth makes it so you can move fast.” She says as a way to explain her fast movement along with cargo. “He said every time you write to him it’s very stuffy and formal...and then you stopped replying. Did something happen? He’s worried about you. I’m worried about you.”

Zuko just pulls his knees to his chest, feeling so incredibly stupid. He had let his insecurities get the best of him and now uncle was upset with him for real. Now uncle was going to leave and it would all be Zuko’s fault for being an idiot. “Zuko...what happened?” Toph repeats, sounding concerned, touching Zuko’s shoulder.

“U-uncle doesn’t want me anymore...found o-ther people...better for him, I wanted to write him back...hurt too much.” Zuko gets out, feeling hot tears beginning to form in his eyes, hating himself so much, wishing something would just fix him. It didn’t matter how painful it was, it would be better than this. Toph wraps her arms around him tightly, letting him cry quietly in her arms for several long minutes. 

After he calms down, Toph touches his cheek gently, giving him a small smile. “Pack your shit, we’re going to Ba Sing Se. You didn’t take me on a life changing field trip, so I’m taking you on one. Come on. You lived on a ship for three years, you know what kind of stuff we’ll need. We’re leaving tonight. 

“Toph, leaving at night isn’t always the bes-”

“I said we’re leaving tonight, or whenever we are ready to set sail. We wanna make good time. My ship is docked in some rocks really close to here.”

“You have a _ship_? For how long? And why? You said you ran here with the help of earthbending.”

“I did that on the earth, dumbass. If you recall, there is a large amount of ocean between the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation.” She says, hands on her hip. Zuko somehow feels ever more stupid than he already does, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Where did you procure this ship?” He asks, wanting to move the subject away from him forgetting about the fucking ocean.

“Well, it _was_ a Fire Nation warship, very fast and effective, will be even more so with a firebender on board. There were a group of soldiers who refused to admit that the war was over and got into an altercation with a village. So, I did my duty as a good samaritan and not only stopped the felons but...liberated the ship from them.” She says, grinning. Zuko chuckles softly, not sure how he hadn’t been killed when he was against the Avatar and his friends.

Toph shakes him from his thoughts when she grabs his arm, tugging him as she stands up. “Come on, pack up, we’re going to go see Iroh!” She says, grinning. Zuko’s heart sinks, forgetting why this conversation had started, shaking his head. “He doesn’t want to see me, Toph.” He says sadly, looking down. He wants to see Iroh so bad it hurts. 

Toph smacks the side of his head. “Ow, what the fuck?” He grumbles, crossing his arms. “Can you not be an angsty little bitch for five minutes? He _wants_ to see you, Sparky, and I know you want to see him. Come on. I promise he wants to see you, if he doesn’t, I’ll take the blame, okay? This will be good for both of you.” She says, taking his hand. 

Zuko just looks down, nodding once. “We’ll have plenty of time while we are going there to bond or whatever we were going to end up doing while here. It’ll be fun, do you have any alcohol?” She asks hopefully and deviously, grinning. Zuko nods again. “Well definitely pack that. Pack whatever else we need. My stuff is on my ship for the most part. I’ll raid the kitchens, say you sent me!”

“Toph, wait!” Zuko calls as she runs towards the door, but she either can’t hear him or doesn’t care, she’s gone.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It doesn’t take long for Zuko to pack his things, he’s gotten used to traveling light. What takes the most time is setting up the counsel for his temporary absence as he does when meeting away from the palace for a week or so, something he has only done once before now.

About 3 hours before the sun sets, Zuko has made his way down to Toph’s ship, heart heavy, eyes cast down.

Toph’s ship is enormous, he thinks momentarily about how she manages to sail this all by herself, but he reminds himself that she can bend metal and likely do something with the coal running it with her earthbending. Either way, she herself is an entire crew. 

Zuko silently climbed aboard the ship looking around, yelping when it unexpectedly lurches forward, the rocks holding it in place not only releasing thor grip but forcefully pushing the ship forward. “Sorry, Sparks!” Toph calls, sprinting towards him with a massive grin on her face. “ ‘s okay.” He says softly, looking around the deck before putting his bags down, hugging himself awkwardly. 

“Zuko...it’s going to be okay. Iroh wants to see you, he loves you. I promise. You’re father is wrong, y-”

“This has nothing to do with my father.” Zuko snaps, looking down, instantly regretting how forcefully he said that, trying to assemble an apology before Toph speaks again. “I know you’re full of shit, Zuko. You’re still thinking about him. Did you see him while I was gone?” She asks. Zuko shakes his head. Toph nods once, clearly understanding that as the truth.

“Have you hurt yourself while I’ve been gone?” She asks after a long silence, Zuko doesn’t say anything in response. “Zuko, I ne-”

“Can we not have this conversation, I-”

“Zuko, we need to. I’m really worried about you. You aren’t eating, aren’t sleeping, torturing yourself both physically and mentally and probably so many more horrible things that I’m not even thinking about. Come on. We’re going to sit down and talk. We can do it at your pace, we don’t have to do it sober if you don’t want to, but we need to have this talk.” She says uncharacteristically tenderly, taking his hand in both of hers. 

“I have rum.” He finally says, he definitely couldn’t do this sober. He could still see the shoreline and was already wanting to break into the alcohol he brought. He grabs his bags, rummaging through them, getting to the alcohol. “Preference?” He asks quietly, Toph grabs a bottle of rum and opens it far too easily. _Does she drink regularly?_ He wonders to himself, but doesn’t think too much of it, taking a sip of the liquor, the taste...bad, but he likes the way it makes his way down his throat and into his chest, warming him. Soon enough it will bring that fog he needs for this conversation.

Multiple sips and a half hour later, Zuko has the haze and confidence he needs to continue this...still not wanting to despite that. Toph can definitely tell. “Have you hurt yourself? Or I guess a better question is why have you been hurting yourself and how? I know you have been. I could feel your heart and you were silent. I’m not stupid.” She asks. His voice is clear, hands steady, unseeing eyes focused. _She isn’t drunk._ He observes. She either has a much higher tolerance or hasn’t been drinking the same amount as he had and has been faking it. 

Zuko remains silent, hugging himself. “Zuko...I know I give you a lot if shit for being angsty and what not, but I know something is really wrong. I know you’re sad and scared almost perpetually, you don’t take care of yourself, you hurt yourself...I’m worried. The others would worry too if they knew...I haven’t said anything to them...I don’t want to violate your privacy, but we have real reason to worry about you. Please talk to me.” She says, leaning against him.

“You can’t write, when would you have a chance to tell them?” Zuko mumbles, taking another sip from the bottle, offering it to Toph who refuses. “Sokka and Suki visited the metalbending school a little before it opened. They stayed for a few days before moving on, can’t remember where they were going, they said something, but it was boring, so I didn’t remember.” She says nonchalantly.

Zuko looks up, a heavy feeling in his chest. “Sokka isn’t in the South Pole anymore?” He asks, closing his eyes, feeling abandoned by someone who would never love him back. “Oh...I thought you knew. He was visiting Suki but got caught up and has been helping in the Earth Kingdom for the past two months, I was surprised when he showed up, he forgot that I couldn’t read and wrote me a letter telling me, Suki read it to me to make fun of him...sorry, just thought he told you.” Toph says softly, probably noticing that Zuko is upset.

Zuko just shakes his head wiping at his face, noticing tears are falling. “It’s okay...not your fault...why would he tell me?” He whispers more to himself. _This is good. I know where I fall in Sokka’s life. I can stop fooling myself there is a single chance for us._ He thinks, taking a large swig, choking. Sokka had written to Toph who is blind and can't read but not to him.

“Hey, hey, Sparky...it’s alright...probably just forgot.” She says, trying to cheer him up. “Yeah...forgot.” Zuko replies sadly. _Forgot about you. Forgot you even existed._ He hears his father’s voice whisper in the back of his head. Zuko doesn’t argue, like always, father is right. 

“Zuko...what’s up? What’s the real problem here? I didn’t think that this would upset you this much. You’re crying.” She observes, wiping away a tear with her thumb. Zuko isn’t sure how he could answer that. He couldn’t exactly tell Toph that he had admired Sokka’s innovation, bravery, and loyalty in the boiling rock and Zuko soon realized it was a stupid crush. That instead of fading like every other dumb crush he had had on people he met, it just grew. That at this point, Zuko was pretty sure he was in love with Sokka, a man who completely forgot about his existence despite being a figurehead of the world. The implications of that are what's making the tears flow. He can literally be in charge of the Fire Nation and fight a war with someone and break into a prison with them...and just be in the back of their mind, fading away.

Zuko just shrugs, not saying anything. “Ooh, you _do_ know.” She says in a voice far too light for the conversation…at least from Zuko’s perspective, he wasn’t sure what was going on inside of Toph’s head. “What? Is it something embarrassing?” She asks, grinning. Zuko just looks down, desperately wanting her to stop talking, not wanting to have this conversation with her. He wanted to keep this secret buried deep inside of him. Somehow she doesn’t pick up the fact that he needs her to stop talking about this, but can pick up that’s he’s lying with a fucking shoulder shrug. She had said he was always sad and scared…maybe that baseline was skewing her ability to read him properly. 

“It is something embarrassing, isn’t it? What? You have a crush on him?” She asks, in a teasing voice, Zuko’s heart jumping. Toph just giggles. “Is dumbass, sarcastic, boomerang and meat loving, Water Tribe peasant your type?” She asks, laughing, Zuko usually forgets she’s of nobility. “You would have to fight Suki, so I think you’re out of luck in that department, I’m sure there are plenty of other dum-”

“It’s not a joke!” Zuko snaps too forcefully as he begins drunkenly wiping at his face as the tears begin to fall again. “You think I don’t know that? That I don’t stand a chance with him? That I mean absolutely nothing to him or anyone else?” He continues, curling up on himself as tight as he can, pressing his face into his knees. Toph had gone silent.

“Zuko…are you being serious? Like you actually have a crush on Sokka?” She asks after a long silence, all laughter gone from her voice. Zuko nods, hating everything about this. “I’m sorry for teasing you about it…I was joking, I didn’t realize that…never mind. How bad is it? Like is it like a little crush or what?” She asks.

Zuko is silent for a long moment before lifting his head, face glimmering in the setting sun behind them, not bothering to wipe them away. “I think that I’m in love with him, Toph. I know he’s with Suki, I know I have no chance with him. I won’t do anything…I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me, or much of anything at all. Don’t try and rebuke that, he forgot I fucking existed.” Zuko says when Toph opens her mouth. “Please don’t tell anyone. Really, please don’t. It hurts a lot and it just makes me feel stupid. I can fix him forgetting about me, I don’t want him to hate me. Just please don’t say anything to anyone. I didn’t even want you to know. Please, Toph.” Zuko practically begs.

“I promise, Sparky. I won’t say anything.”

“Thank you...I don’t wanna think about this anymore…I just want to go to bed.” Toph nods as Zuko lays down right there on the deck, not bothering to even look below for anything, just feeling tired and sad right now, no energy in him to move. 

_This_ is the worst life changing field trip ever. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a sad boi:(  
> Please let me know what you think idk what I'm doing


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a happy chapter:)

Zuko isn’t okay. He really, really isn’t. Toph wishes that she could write, that she could contact someone, that she could contact Sokka. She is sure that with everything going on in Sokka’s life is what had caused him to forget to write to Zuko. That it was the fact that Sokka was traveling through the Earth Kingdom and would likely run into Toph who lives there, not Zuko who lives on an entire different continent. Zuko wouldn’t just be randomly wandering around the Earth Kingdom when he has a nation to run. Informing Zuko that he has left the South Pole and is now doing…whatever crazy stuff he’s doing likely seemed trivial. 

She wishes that there was a way to let him know how fragile Zuko is right now, how little worth he has for himself, how he has internalized so much and blows it out of proportion in his mind. How easy it is to send Zuko into a pit of despair and self hatred. Zuko  _ needs  _ help. Real help. He’s hurting himself in so many ways. If he can’t or won’t get help he at least needs and deserves support. A lot of his issues are stemming from a feeling of isolation. Maybe she could have Iroh write something to Sokka? Let him know it’s important and private. 

Toph doesn’t want to betray her friend’s trust, but Zuko isn’t going to open up to other people. He isn’t going to ask for help. He isn’t going to willingly tell anyone how much he hates himself. He’s in danger of throwing himself into really horrible relationships that he doesn’t want or with people that treat him terribly, if not both, like he tried to do with Toph. No one else would be able to pick up on how unhappy Zuko is with a relationship he’s doing to please someone as quickly as Toph was. The implications that he did it so readily is what makes her still feel awful about what she had done to him. It was likely something he had done before.

Maybe the best way to approach it is to express concern for Zuko without giving away anything specific? Maybe it would bring some incentive for Sokka to write to Zuko? Even if it wasn’t much, just acknowledge that he cared about how Zuko was doing, that he was still thinking about him. Zuko definitely isn’t going to reach out to Sokka first, probably convincing himself he didn’t want to hear from him.  _ If only Zuko wasn’t so fucking stubborn.  _ She thinks, frowning.

She looks sadly over at Zuko, wishing that there was a way to help him, that she knew how. She still wishes she had killed Ozai that day, that she had killed him long ago. That someone had protected Zuko when he was a child who just wanted to be loved. 

Unfortunately, there is no use in trying to change the past. Toph wraps a blanket around Zuko’s shoulders she had gotten from downstairs, snuggling next to him, not wanting to leave him alone after this. She wants to do everything she can to mend the broken bits of his heart so they stop cutting at him constantly. She wants to see her friend be able to live a life that he deserves, really deserves, not the one he is sentencing himself to. 

This definitely isn’t going to be easy. 

The next morning, Zuko opens his eyes, feeling a warm body pressed against his chest. He shifts a little, smiling a little when he sees Toph. She probably has a bed below deck and chose to stay here with him…not leaving him alone. Zuko wraps his arms around her, resting his head next to hers. She really is the best friend that he has ever had. 

About 20 minutes later, Toph shifts opening her eyes and yawning. “Thank you, Toph.” Zuko says quietly, holding her a little closer. “For what?” She asks quizzically. “For staying with me…and I’m sorry for breaking down on you last night. Thank you for not getting angry and for being willing to not tell anyone.” He says quietly, really hoping she would keep true to her word and not immediately go tell Sokka that Zuko is head over heels for him. If she did that, Zuko isn’t sure what he would do, it would probably mean the end for every friendship he had…which is almost exclusively team Avatar. 

“Of course, Sparky. I’m not going to leave you. I promise. Also, I won’t tell Sokka you have a crush on him. I’m sorry I made fun of you for it…I thought it was kind of like a fleeting crush you had on him like you just thought he was hot or something. Didn’t know it was more emotional than that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She says, touching Zuko’s cheek, smiling at him. 

They stay like that before Zuko finally sits up. “Toph…how are we getting to Ba Sing Se? Like what route are we taking?” He asks. Toph jumps up far too enthusiastically, causing Zuko to flinch. “Let me show you! Come on!” She yells, sprinting below deck. Zuko gets up and follows her to a room he assumes she stays in while sailing. 

Toph slams a large, blank piece of paper onto the table. “So you see that weird curly bit of the Fire Nation? We’re going past that and through the river that opens up to the sea right around Swapnest Town and it will lead us to the lake that the Serpent's pass goes through. We’ll dock the ship in the rocks on the other side and walk to Ba Sing Se from there. My friend Xang lives in Hishi village that is on the way there. I have something to settle with him. Then we see Iroh, he makes us some tea, you two hug it out and feel loved and the field trip is a success!” She yells far too loudly.

Zuko smiles, laughing a little at her antics. “First of all Toph, where I do know what you’re talking about in terms of getting there, that isn’t a map, it’s a blank piece of paper with stains on it. Second of all, what do you need to settle with Xang? Third of all, is he really your friend or are you at odds with him?’ Zuko asks, concerned about this to an extent. 

Toph punches his arm, rolling the paper up. “Okay, so I don’t have a map. With Xang, just don’t worry about it.”

“Toph, I-”

“I said don’t worry.” She says grabbing the front of his shirt. Zuko grins. “How long should it take for us to get there. Toph shrugs. “Two and a half days in the boat. Less than two if someone gets his ass to the furnace and makes it burn faster. Go Sparky!” She yells, chasing him down the hallway, brandishing her “map” like a sword now that it’s rolled as they make their way to the furnace.

They spend a good several hours of Zuko heating up the fire and Toph breaking down to coal in a way that she claims makes it burn hotter and more effectively. Zuko just takes her word for it. All he knows is that by the time that they break for lunch, sheltered cove is in the distance to their right. They should have made it here by late evening.

Zuko smiles, sitting down next to Toph as they begin to prepare lunch and eat. This largely consists of Toph holding strips of salted meat on a metal skewer while Zuko holds a blazing fire in his hands, cooking it. It ends up a little charred but cooked through, juicy, and good. Toph had the forethought to bring seasoning in two containers for this. She had one container for herself with mostly salt, black pepper and some herbs, and for Zuko, the same but with a lot of chili pepper. She is careful not to mix these two up. They have some toasted millet on the side for a grain and Toph reminds him to drink water while telling him to go fuck himself when he reminded her.

“This is nice, Toph. Thank you for having me do this. I needed this.” Zuko says, smiling up at the sky, enjoying the wind in his hair. Zuko never thought that he would miss being on a ship. He had spent so much of his banishment on one that he figured he may despise it. However, this is exactly where he needs to be. "No problem, Sparky."

Maybe it is because he is with someone who has shown him time and time again that she cares for him on their way to see someone who has done the same for years of Zuko’s life. Maybe it is because he isn’t in a palace surrounded by people he has convinced himself hate him. The feeling of isolation while surrounded by people is one of the loneliest feelings he has ever experienced. He hates it. Maybe it’s because he’s actually allowed to feel things around Toph without worrying about her getting upset at him. He was able to just talk about how he felt, cry about it for a bit…and he feels so much better now. He feels like a weight has been lifted and now he has space in his chest for his lungs to expand and breath. Like he now has space in his heart to feel joy. 

“Toph?” He says, looking at her. “What’s up?”

“Can we do something like this every time you come to visit? Like get me out of the palace? Even if we aren’t going anywhere in particular or if we’re settling ‘business’ with ‘friends’ of yours or whatever. I could even come to you. I-I really needed this. I feel better than I have in months. Thank you.” Toph grins at him. “Of course, Sparky.” She replies, taking his hand. “Maybe next time you could come visit my metalbending school. It would be fun. There’s a lot of cool stuff there and around it. I would like you to see it.” Zuko smiles. “I would really like that.”

“It’s settled then, winter solstice visit is to my metalbendig school.”

“I look forward to it.” He really does. These visits are what is going to get him through his days as Fire Lord. He can make it work. He has to. 

The next day and a half passes very nicely. Zuko and Toph’s days are filled with making the ship go faster…irresponsibly faster as they got better at it, almost causing a horrible shipwreck. Luckily, it was nothing irreversible, Toph was able to get the dent out of the haul with her bending, leaving the captain and crew gaping as the two sailed off.

They created obstacle courses throughout the ship that the two of them raced through. That mostly consisted of Toph cheating by rearranging it as Zuko was running, literally tripping him up. It was a lot of fun. 

The second night, Zuko had started teaching Toph how to navigate by stars. Jee had taught him during his banishment at sea. Ten minutes in Toph couldn’t contain her laughter anymore and he remembered that she is blind. That was far from his finest moment. He ended up telling her the story of Love Amongst the Dragon, it was his mother’s favorite book and Zuko practically had it memorized by now. He wasn’t a fan of how the Ember Island Player ruined it, but it made his mother happy so it made Zuko happy. One of his few good memories of his childhood.

All too soon, but somehow not soon enough, they reach the shore. Toph swallows the haul in rock like she did before but also severely dents up the ship.

“What the fuck, Toph? Seems a little extreme.”

“There are other earthbenders here now, and see that?” She asks, pointing at the ship they had both just gotten off and been on for two and a half days. Zuko nods once. “My ship. No one else’s. Mine. They aren’t gonna steal a ship that they’ll have to fix that much. No one else can bend metal that well yet.” She says proudly. Zuko laughs. “Enjoy it while it lasts, you’re a good enough teacher to teach Aang his opposite element.” Zuko says as they begin to walk. “Oh yeah, most of my students are older than me and are terrified of me.” She says, grinning up at him. “Well, I mean you are a soldier and the best earthbender in the world. It’s a valid fear.” 

Toph just punches Zuko in the shoulder. 

They begin hiking towards Hishi village which Toph claimed they would reach tomorrow morning if they spent the night in the woods. The fact that she didn’t want to push further forward and see if they could sleep at the home Xang lived in gave him more to worry about. The two of them definitely weren’t friends and Zuko isn’t sure what Toph is about to drag him into. He doesn't complain though, it’s the best earthbender in the world and the Fire Lord. They could take on this guy if worse came to worst. 

The two of them hike across the rocky ground for several hours, sharing a bag of toasted millet and drinking their own bottles of water. About a half hour before the sun sets they set up camp. The pros of traveling as an earthbender and a firebender who have little need for comfort is this takes little to no time. Toph sets up a large stone tent and sets up their sleeping mats as Zuko collects fire food and is able to set them ablaze in a matter of moments. 

They sit with two metal sticks Toph had made from her arm guards, both roasting komodo rhino sausages over the fire, talking. “So Toph, are you seeing anyone?” He asks. “I mean I’ve never seen anyone ever and likely never will but if you’re asking in a romantic way, I am kind of flirting with a nearby farmer’s son, Xan Lee. He’s an earthbender in a non bender family and there aren’t too many things or places around my school which is what I wanted and farms are typically rural. We started meeting every other night and I started teaching him how to earthbend and he’s teaching me archery. Kind of difficult seeing that it’s a projectile and I’m blind but we’re making it work. I punched him in the arm and told him it’s how I show affection, he punched me back. The next night he kissed me on the cheek before he ran off. So that’s my speed.” Toph replies, taking a large bite out of her sausage cursing as it burns her mouth.

Zuko laughs a little. “Good, I’m happy for you. I hope it works out for you.” He says, smiling at her, blowing on his sausage to let it cool down. “Fucking coward, you’re a firebender, don’t be afraid of a little heat.” Toph says, taking an unnecessarily large second bite of her sausage, breathing loudly through her mouth to thy and cool it down as it was burning her. 

Zuko just shakes his head affectionately as she takes the last piece off and sets it on her lap, still chewing the piece in her mouth. She puts another sausage on, beginning the task of cooking it, maximizing her efficiency in getting more food into her mouth in a minimum amount of time. 

“Well, tomorrow when you complain about your mouth hurting, I won’t feel sorry for you.”

“Some friend you are.” Toph grumbles as Zuko begins eating his sausage after removing it from the stick. “Toph, you were raised in nobility, why are you manners this atrocious?” He asks before taking a small bite. Toph shrugs, popping the last bit in her mouth before talking. “I don’t care about manners.” She replies, flipping him off. “You’re royalty have a foul mouth. I will admit, not as bad as mine, but still.”

“I was banished and lived with sailors for three years Toph, what did you expect?” He asks, shrugging. Living with sailors gave you the mouth of one no matter who you are. Toph grins. “Guess I was meant to sail then.”

They bicker and joke for another hour before going to bed, Toph snuggling up next to Zuko despite there being space for her to not, Zuko is grateful for her once again and wraps his arms around her, falling into a relatively peaceful sleep.

The next day, they set out early, snacking on millet for breakfast, not feeling any need to do something official as they walk towards Hishi village that luckily isn’t too far from where they camped. “So what do you need to settle with Xang? Should I be worried? Zuko asks as they see the first few houses of the village in the near distance. Toph just grins at him. “Toph, seriously, what happened?” He asks, growing a little worried.

“I owe him, doesn’t matter how much or why. I’m paying him back.” Toph says, taking Zuko’s hand and he flinches back, moving away from her, hugging himself, dread filling him. Is  _ this  _ why she had been so adamant about him coming. Toph definitely outmatched him when it came to fighting. She could also simply crush his hands if she wanted to hand him over to someone and be used as fucking currency. He feels his pulse quickening, breath coming short, unsure if it would be better for him to run and turn his back to her or to stand his ground and fight. If he could burn the bottoms of her feet bad enough she wouldn’t be able to fight but it’s not like he had anywhere he could run to. The ship is buried in rock and dented horribly, he couldn’t leave that way.

“Zuko...what’s the matter?” Toph says, moving towards him, arms outstretched as one would approach a scared animal. Zuko just backs away, holding his hands up in a defensive position, preparing to attack, shaking. “I-I’ll pay for it, j-just don’t d-do  _ this. _ ” He begs, eyes flitting around trying to find  _ anyone  _ in close proximity that might help him. 

“Zuko, please tell me what you think I’m going to do. What’s wrong? What don’t you want me to do? I won’t do whatever it is, just tell me so I don’t.” Toph says very gently, taking another very slow step towards him, offering him her hand. “Y-you’re not g-going to give m-me to him to settle your debt?” He asks quietly, looking at her hand intently. 

Toph is silent for a long time, lowering her hands, clenching her fists and shaking in fury before stomping and throwing a large rock to the side. Zuko yelps, jumping back. “Who the fuck else has hurt you, Zuko? This can’t all be from your father, can it? Who the fuck made you think that someone would do that to you?” She asks, anger obvious in her voice, taking his hand in hers. Zuko shrugs, but Zhao immediately comes to his mind. 

Toph doesn’t push it. “We can stop by here on our way back to pay him with legal Earth Kingdom tinder and gold, no people, especially not friends.” She says, giving him a very sad smile. This is definitely going to be a conversation she is going to bring up until he spills. “We can go, let’s settle your debt.” He says as they walk towards the town again, Zuko almost completely calmed down. 

“I’m assuming that you took that gold from the palace?” He asks, fear drained from him. Toph shrugs, giving him a sly grin. She definitely had. They walk through the town, people are going about their business, setting up the market for the day, washing clothes, blacksmithing, it all seems very nice. Moon peach trees are in full bloom on this beautiful spring day. Zuko absentmindedly picks one with a long stem, tucking it behind his hair, smiling. 

“You hoping Sokka will do that for you one day, Sparky?’ Toph asks, giving him a shit eating grin. Zuko steps on her foot, shooting her a glare. “I’m not ready to joke about it yet, maybe next time it’ll help me get over him.” He replies. Toph punches his arm.

Soon they reach a long, low house backed against a mound of rock. It looks as if some of the house extends back into the rock…they are earthbenders, it might just be. Toph goes up the the door and bangs on it with her fist. “Open the fuck up Xang, it’s Toph, I have your money! Get the fuck out here, I how the Fire Lord with me and he’ll kick your ass if you’re a bitch about this and don’t come out and won’t get in trouble because he’s the fucking Fire Lord!” 

Zuko pinches the bridge of his nose. “ _ This  _ is why you wanted me to come with you, Toph? Threaten someone with my fighting experience and diplomatic immunity?” Toph nods once, grinning wildly. 

A man looking like he is in his mid thirties opens the door, Zuko has no idea what he and Toph were doing, how they met, and why Toph owed him money. The rational part of his brain tells him that he doesn’t want to know. Zuko listens to it. 

He seems genuinely shocked to see Zuko there, clearly not expecting Zuko to actually be with Toph. Zuko waves awkwardly at him and the man sputters at him for a little before giving him a low bow. “Fire Lord Zuko, I, uh-”

“Can it Xang, I have your money, here, we are officially done. Got it?” Xang nods, glancing nervously at Zuko. “Does he uh, know ab-”

“Nope! Come on, Sparky!” Toph says loudly, grabbing Zuko’s hand and pulling him behind her. “Why do you always have to be involved with criminals, Toph?” He grumbles. “Hey, being involved with criminals is how I met my first and closest friends. I wouldn’t be inventing metalbending and bossing around royalty if I hadn’t associated with the most wanted people in the world!” She says cheerfully. Zuko laughs. “Fair enough.” He replies.

The two of them continue walking across the rocky terrane of the Earth Kingdom, making good time for the rest of the day. By the time they set camp they can see the walls of Ba Sing Se far in the distance. For the first time, Zuko is excited about seeing his uncle again, not convinced that this was going to end everything good in his life. Things are going to be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

They don’t have official documentation to get into Ba Sing Se. Zuko had forgotten it had always been a very secure city and it had been difficult for him and uncle to come in as refugees with documentation. Toph tried to break them in, evidently forgetting there are a lot of other earthbenders in Ba Sing Se. When Toph got them to the top of the wall they were almost immediately surrounded by guards wielding weapons ready to attack. She doesn't even seem too surprised by this which unsettles Zuko.

“State your business!” One of them yells, glaring at them. Toph sarcastically raises her hands in surrender, grinning. “It’s fine, I’m Toph Beifong and earthbending teacher of Avatar Aang, this is Fire Lord Zuko, Fire Lord of the Fire Nation, firebending teacher to Avatar Aang, and a little bitch.” She says, slapping his shoulder hard, causing Zuko to flinch. 

“I’m sorry…we kind of forgot to bring documentation and such.” Zuko says, looking behind him at the sure-to-be-deadly fall if he slips from this wall. “How do you forget something like that?” One of them grumbles as two guards lead them down the wall. They haven't even spent five minutes in this city and they’re already getting arrested. They have no way of verifying their identity and entering a city of a sovereign nation by scaling the wall with no proof of identity. this is not something the Fire Lord could fight them on on any legal grounds if they even believe that is who Zuko really is. It seems like they don't.

“We forgot by not remembering.” Toph says as both of them are cuffed when they get to the bottom of the wall and are led away, the guard roughly shoves her for that comment. They are soon joined by two other guards farther from the base of the wall.

Luckily, it seems as though the guards either don’t believe the rumors or don't know that Toph is a metalbender as they are in metal cuffs and will likely be put in a metal prison. That’s good at least. They'll be able to get out of this relatively soon. That is until the sets of guards begin leading them in separate directions and Zuko immediately begins to fight them. 

“Please, wait, don’t separate us!” He yells, looking desperately at Toph who is almost stoic. “Please! Let go of me!” Zuko yells louder, looking frantically at both of the men on either side of him. One of them hits the back of his head hard enough to blur his vision and the other pulls him forward, sending him tumbling to the ground. 

“Fire Lord or just a Fire National, you're an ash maker and your nation destroyed our world and hurt so much of our city. We lost people because of your nation, good people. You’re going somewhere more secure, somewhere that we have coolers where we can contain you properly. An ash maker can’t possibly think they can break into our city without repercussions.” The guard growls, moving towards him. Zuko flinches violently at the thought of the coolers, whimpering a little as he tries to get away from the man. It is definitely difficult with his hands cuffed behind his back.

“Hey, Lang, you're stop scaring him, he’s just a scrawny kid. Take him with the girl, if he causes trouble you can take him wherever. The war is over and it isn’t his fault, just calm down.” One of Toph’s guards says, moving towards them. Zuko hadn't even thought about how mistrustful and angry a lot of people must be after the coup of the Dai Le and the fall of the walls.

Toph looks back at Zuko with an apologetic look on her face as the three men argue for a little, Zuko still on the ground, looking up at them, trembling. The man who had defended him finally kneels down, helping Zuko to his feet. “There you go, son. It’s alright.” He says gently. He’s the oldest of the four by far, Zuko lets out a long, slow sigh of relief. The man reminded him vaguely of his uncle. “T-thank you, sir.” Zuko says quietly, moving a little closer to him as they walk.

Instead of grabbing his upper arm, the man gently guides Zuko by placing a firm, gentle hand on his shoulder. All of the excitement of seeing uncle is gone and it is replaced by the gnawing anxiety of the fear of pain filling him. He can hear his heart hammering in his chest, forcing tears not to form in his eyes as he looks intently at the ground, and breathing growing irregular despite his efforts to control it.

He understands why Toph hasn’t started a fight to get out of this. There are civilians bustling around, going about their business. Someone will definitely get hurt if they do something right now. Even Toph wouldn’t go as far as to put innocent people at risk. She’s impulsive and calloused, not heartless. 

Finally, they reach the only metal building in the area. Makes sense that it is made of that material considering it is pointless to lock a city full of earth benders in a prison made of stone. Many people still don’t believe anyone can bend metal, they likely will when Toph has her first trained students out in the world metalbending. 

“I’ll process them.” The man holding Zuko says to the others. At least they have that going for them. The one out of the three that either doesn’t care what happens to him or actively wants to inflict pain on him. “Fuck off, Rulan.” The man who didn’t care if Zuko was hurt says as the three walk away. The man, Rulan, leads the two of them into a small room almost directly after the entrance. Zuko glances at Toph again, unsure if they were supposed to make a break for it now or later. She was the metalbender, he would follow her lead. He really assumed that they would have run long before now, but they hadn’t. Zuko just feels terror in the pit of his stomach, unsure if something is seriously wrong.

He yelps loudly, flinching and stumbling over when Rulan takes his wrist and removes one of the cuffs. Zuko hadn’t even processed that Toph’s had been removed. “Hey, it’s alright, son. I’m sorry, I won’t hurt you. You aren’t in here for a violent crime, no one will hurt you, alright?” He says, removing the other cuff. “I’m sorry, Sparky. I really am.” Toph says, looking guilty but not upset. 

Zuko slowly lets Rulan help him stand up and move him to one of the chairs, only realizing that he is trembling when he tries to sit still, biting his lip aggressively in annoyance at himself. He vaguely hears Toph and Rulan talking, writing stuff down on a piece of paper. Zuko can’t take his eyes off of his trembling hands, still not quite sure how this all had happened. Wishing he thought anything through like uncle warned him about time and time again. Wishing he had remembered that Ba Sing Se had relatively strict travel policies due to its sheer size. 

He puts focus in not letting himself cry, not letting himself show any more weakness to this man than he already has. Rulan has been kind to him so far but that’s in comparison to two men who wanted to throw a 16 year old in a cooler for being from the Fire Nation and another who just didn’t care. As hard as he tries, he can’t stop shaking, but he can prevent the tears from showing. He wants to go home, he wants uncle, he wants to feel safe. He wraps his arms around his stomach, trying to feel a sense of security that doesn’t come. 

He feels a tap on his shoulder, Toph pulling him from his thoughts. He looks up at her and she nods in the direction of Rulan. Zuko looks at the man's hands, biting his lip again, tasting blood. “What’s your name, son?” He asks. “Zuko.” He replies quietly. “Is that really your name? You don’t need to keep up the Fire Lord facade, you seem a bit too young to be him, I said no one is going to hurt you. Also Miss Beifong has informed me that you have family in the area. I will send word to them and they can get you tonight.” 

“I-It’s my name.” Zuko replies quickly, holding himself tighter, Rulan reassurance doing nothing to help his nerves. Toph reaches over, placing her hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright, Sparky, you’re a firebender, you can protect yourself.” She says, giving him a sad smile. “Are you actually a firebender, Zuko, or just from the Fire Nation?” Zuko nods once. “Pl-please don’t put m-me in a c-cooler…they h-hurt.” He whispers, thinking back to the boiling rock. 

“Son, you aren’t in here for a violent crime. You’re just here until someone can confirm your identity. There are a lot of people in this city and we can’t just have random people coming in here especially after the Dai Li, the breach of the wall, and the war just ending. There’s a lot of anger and it’s being taken out on the wrong people such as what happened with the guards and you today. I’m sorry, son.” Rulan says softly.

Zuko nods once, feeling a little better but still shaken. “How old are you?”

“Sixteen.” He replies softly, digging his nails into his arms. “Don’t do that, Sparky.” Toph says, taking his hand in her, clearly feeling Zuko trying to draw his own blood. Rulan asks him a few more questions before stamping the documents and putting the paper away in a cabinet

He then pulls out another sheet of paper, poising a brush over it. “Who is your family that you would like to come get you and confirm your identities and where do they live and work?” Rulan asks, looking at Zuko. 

“M-My uncle Iroh, he works at the Jasmine Dragon, a teashop, he lives in the apartment above it.” Zuko says nervously, wondering how well it was known that the man who ran the Jasmine Dragon was the crown prince of the Fire Nation. It evidently isn’t a secret when Rulan eyebrows shoot up. “So…you actually  _ are  _ the Fire Lord.” He says nervously. Zuko nods once, gripping Toph’s hand a little tighter, not looking up. 

“Did someone hurt you, son? Are you alright? Do you need help?” Rulan asks after a long silence, expression filled with concern. Zuko meets his eyes for the first time, deeply confused by the genuine concern. “You’re a powerful man, powerful bender, and skilled soldier. I’ve heard plenty of stories of people who have seen you fight, if both of you are who you say you are, you could easily take on every guard here. What are you cared of?” He asks softly.

“Please leave him alone, we’re fine, we’re here to visit his uncle. Sparky has just been through a lot.” Toph says to Rulan, looking over at Zuko. Rulan nods. “My apologies.” He leads them to an empty cell, allowing them to stay together before leaving. Zuko rests his head on Toph’s lap, crying softly, only able to think about how disappointed Iroh would be in him. Getting arrested after showing up unannounced and making him come down here. Toph had refused to break them out, he’s unsure why. Toph just holds his hand with one of her's and runs the fingers of the other one through his hair, telling him that he is going to be okay as he thinks of every way this could all go wrong. 

Hours later, Zuko hears the door open. He blinks, wiping at his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he has been crying. “Hey, Iroh! Sorry for the trouble, we came to see you and got arrested.” Toph says cheerfully, shaking Zuko who just clutches onto her tighter. He can’t face Iroh. He can’t bear to see the disappointment in his expression, see all care for him drain away. He can’t watch uncle lose all love for him forever. 

“Nephew, it’s been a long time.” He hears Iroh say warmly, Zuko flinches a little, curling up. This is it. It’s all over. “Nephew…Toph, is he alright?”

“Some assholes threatened him and really freaked him out, but he hasn’t been in a great mental state for several months, I think seeing you was kind of overwhelming to him to begin with and this was just the straw that broke the camel elephant's back. I think he’ll be alright, let’s just get him back.” He hears Toph say.

He vaguely feels someone touch his arm and Zuko stands, the world bleary around him. He’s exhausted, scared, upset, and disoriented. He feels a warm, familiar arm wrap around his shoulder and turns to see uncle who looks at him with concern. “It’s alright, nephew, I’m going to take you home, you’re alright.” Zuko walks forward, easily keeping up with the brisk base that Iroh had set, head tilted down, forcing himself not to start crying again.

He doesn’t even realize that they have gotten as far as they have when they sit down on the train and it starts moving. Iroh cups his hand around Zuko’s cheek, tilting his head up. “Nephew, I’m very happy to see you, I’ve missed you so much…but I’m worried, what’s been going on? Did I do something? Did something happen? Are you alright?” Iroh asks, his voice far too gentle, eyes too full of concern. 

Zuko swallows hard, trying to push down the lump in his throat. Luckily, there aren’t many other people on the train as the sun has gone down and they are all spread out. That still doesn't mean Zuko wants to be seen breaking down in front of them. He already humiliated himself enough in front of Rulan today and he doesn’t need to do so in front of anyone else.

Zuko just gently rests his head against Iroh’s shoulder, hoping his uncle will understand that Zuko doesn’t want to talk right now, he just wants to be somewhere else, wants to be somewhere safe. Luckily, it seems that Iroh understands that and just pulls him closer as they ride back to the tea shop. He feels Toph take his hand again from the other side, momentarily forgetting that she is there with them despite the fact that she was the one who had insisted that Zuko go see his uncle. 

After what feels like an eternity, Iroh moves and pulls Zuko’s arm gently. “We’re almost home, nephew.” Iroh says softly, pulling him off of the train and down into the dark, quiet streets of the city. Toph follows closely, scowling at the tall buildings. He isn’t sure why she seems to have a strong dislike for the place, all Zuko knows is that he is beginning to feel the same way.

Finally, Zuko sees the familiar building he and Iroh had lived in during the war. It still looks very much like it had before. Iroh leads them up the stairs, lighting a few candles and then the fireplace in the kitchen, leading Zuko next to it, helping him sit down, still wrapped in Iroh’s arms.

“I understand how you got arrested, Toph did so the first time she visited me here and evidently learned nothing, I’m not upset, nephew.” Iroh says gently, running his fingers through Zuko’s hair. “What I am is very concerned about your wellbeing. You don’t look good, you’re acting very strange and seem to have been for a while through your letters, I’m worried about you, Zuko. I really am, please tell me what's wrong.” Iroh says sadly, pulling Zuko up against his chest.

Zuko opens his mouth, meaning to say something but a pained cry comes out instead. Iroh rubs his back, rocking him gently as Zuko quietly cries into his chest. “It’s alright, I’ve got you, you’re safe.” Iroh says softly, kissing the top of Zuko’s head. 

“Did anyone hurt him, Toph? Please tell me what happened.” He hears Iroh says, still comforting him. “He hasn’t been in a great mental space for awhile, I insisted we come here because he had convinced himself you hated him, he was doing a lot better while we were traveling. I was going to break us out like I had done for myself last time, but after these two assholes arresting us, shoved him and threatened to put him in a cooler for just being here without documentation while being a firebender, he started breaking down again. I was going to break us out and cause a scene if they did anything to him but some guy, Rulan, that was his name stood up for him and didn’t let them separate us. He’s been like this ever since. I don’t know anything past that.” Toph says, she sounds worried.

Zuko isn’t sure what to think of any of this. He had forced uncle to drag himself down to the lower ring and get them after getting arrested on a visit that was unannounced. On top of that, Zuko had been ignoring his letters and been becoming a less important part of his life as time went on. Yet, uncle is here, holding him in his arms, bringing him comfort and not an ounce of scorn in his voice. 

“i-I’m sorry.” Zuko whimpers, wrapping his arms around Iroh, nuzzling his head into the crook of Iroh’s neck. “It’s alright, you’re alright. You have nothing to be sorry about, nephew. I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to make you feel unloved. I’m so sorry if i’ve hurt you.” Iroh whispers, tears in his voice. “I love you, Zuko, I never meant to make you feel anything different. 

“I-I l-love you too.” Zuko chokes out, gripping tightly onto Iroh’s robes. He can’t force himself to stop crying and Iroh doesn't give any hint that he wants Zuko to stop, he just holds him and rocks him gently in his arms. Finally, exhaustion catching up with him from the past several months weighs on him heavily, slipping into a peaceful sleep in Iroh’s warm, loving arms.

Once Zuko is asleep, Iroh wraps Zuko in blankets and lays him on a mat that he brings into the kitchen, keeping Zuko near the fireplace. “He’s cold for a firebender.” Iroh says to her as if reading her thoughts before he puts water on the stove to brew tea for the two of them.

“Toph, what happened? He’s never been particularly stable, but this is…well it’s bad.” Iroh says, handing her a cup of ginseng tea, sitting cross legged at the table. Toph takes a sip, thinking for a moment before speaking. “He thinks that he’s completely worthless, that everyone’s going to leave him eventually. I told him that I had seen you and that you were wondering why he had never written you back. He said that you don’t want him anymore, that you didn’t want to see him, and that he’s outlived his usefulness to you and that you’ve found other people and don’t need to settle for him anymore. It’s why I wanted to come here, I practically forced him to come. It was really worrying me that he thought that. He told me he wanted to write you back but it hurt too much. He really believes that you don’t want anything to do with him anymore and I think it’s just because he thinks you kept him in your life as a filler until you found someone else. He doesn’t think you, or anyone else for that matter, loves him.” She says sadly, drinking more of Iroh’s favorite tea. 

Iroh turns to look at Zuko’s sleeping body, touching his shoulder gently. “I’m so sorry, nephew. I love you, so much.” He whispers, leaning forward and kissing Zuko’s forehead affectionately. “Iroh...there’s another thing. Please don’t tell him I told you this, but I think you should know, the more I think about it the more it worries me. While we were traveling together, I had developed a crush on Zuko, and I know there’s an age gap, but not the point. Before I had left for the Earth Kingdom and was staying at the palace I told him this when he was kinda feeling worthless hoping it might cheer him up. Long, very awkward and embarrassing story short, he was willing to force himself into a relationship with me that he didn’t want because that’s what he thought he needed to do so that I wouldn’t leave his life completely. He didn’t seem to think he could just say he didn’t think of me like that and remain friends. I’m worried that someone will try and take advantage of that and hurt him. I don’t know how to help him, Iroh.” Toph says, biting at the inside of her cheek. 

Iroh closes his eyes and turns his head down sadly. “At least two people already have, Toph. There may be more, I don’t know. The two I do know about, my knowledge is limited and they aren’t my stories to tell. I was hoping after he made real friends who cared about him and his father behind bars he would be past that. That is very worrying…I don’t know what he needs, I don’t know how to help him. So many people have hurt him in so many ways, it’s truly horrible.” Iroh says sadly, drinking his tea.

“Iroh, he seems to think the rest of his friends hate him as well. He was completely convinced that Sokka forgot about the fact he existed and didn’t care about him, not even in a spiteful way, just a sad way. He got really close with Sokka and I think he misses him a lot.” Toph says, unsure how to make it important without giving away the fact Zuko has a massive crush on this guy. Iroh would certainly tease Zuko about that without thinking and there would only be one place he could have heard it from, Zuko would be furious. 

“I think Zuko wants to reach out to him but thinks that Sokka doesn’t want to hear from him. I was wondering if you could write a letter to him and I could send it with a messenger hawk to Sokka when I get back to the Fire Nation. I think it would help Zuko a lot. I just don’t think he’ll initiate contact.”

Iroh nods, pulling out a paper and brush. The two of them work on a letter for about an hour until Iroh writes the final draft, seeming satisfied with it. “Would you like me to read it to you?” Toph nods facing him. “It says:

Sokka,

Recent developments have left us deeply concerned about Zuko’s mental wellbeing. He’s lost most of his sense of self after falling into a bout of self hatred and has convinced himself that everyone feels the same way about him. He’s isolating himself, not taking care of himself, really only focusing on his duties to the nation and not on any to himself. Over the months after the war, he’s only been seeming to get worse. He’s convinced himself that no one wants to hear from him and won’t initiate contact with anyone he wants to speak to again. He’s mentioned you on multiple occasions and we think hearing from you may help him to an extent. Sorry for dragging you into this and please don’t mention this to Zuko or anyone else, neither of us know how he would react if he knew you had been asked to speak to him. It would likely make him feel like more of a burden if he knew.

Thank you,

Iroh and Toph (written by Iroh)"

Iroh rolls it property and packs it in Toph’s bag for her so that it will stay safe. “Thank you, Iroh.” Toph says softly. “I hope this helps him to some extent.” Iroh nods in agreement, sitting next next to Zuko, petting his hair, humming softly. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

The next morning, Zuko opens his eyes, blinking several times as he raises his head and looks around the room. The memories of last night begin to fill his head and he is beginning to feel his instinct to run from his problems, unable to face uncle. He can’t watch uncle profess his contempt for Zuko. It would mean the end of him.

Zuko looks around him and sees uncle lying on a mat only a foot away from him and Toph lying on the other side of him, no mat, no blanket or anything. He can’t say he’s surprised at her sleeping preferences. He can’t run from them. He has to trust Toph. He has to stop hiding from his problems.

He smiles a little, sitting up, and stretching. He sits up straight in a relaxed pose, crossing his legs, resting the fingers of his left hand over that of his right and touching his thumbs together. He closes his eyes, breathing in deeply and easily before breathing out.

He hadn’t meditated in several days and that could possibly be why he has been so on edge. It not only helped maintain his inner flame but helped calm and clear his mind. It is something that he had been neglecting to do and it was having an effect on his well being. 

Zuko feels a lot of the physical tension seep out of his body and the dark clouds filling his mind begin to dissipate. He feels the flame in his chest rise and fall with his breath, becoming stronger and more under his control. Feeling better than he had since they got to Ba Sing Se.

He isn’t sure how long he has been doing this when a clatter pulls him from his meditative state. “I’m sorry, nephew, I didn’t mean to distract you.” Uncle says, giving him a warm smile, moving around the kitchen, trying to avoid stepping on Toph who is pretty close to the stove. 

Zuko slowly stands up, walking over to uncle and who wraps his arms around him. “I’m sorry, uncle, for everything.” Zuko says softly, exhaling slowly, trying to relieve the last bits of tension from the fear and anxiety filling him.

Uncle pulls away, giving him a sad but loving smile, cupping Zuko’s cheek in his hand. “Please don’t apologize to me, nephew. I was so worried about you when I saw you last night, I’ve been worried about you for a while. If you want to make it up to me, just try and remember that I love you so much. I’m not going to leave you, I’m not going to hate you. We’ve been through so much together, Zuko, I’m not just going to forget that. Breakfast is almost ready, will you sit with me and tell me why you thought I hated you? I want to know, the last thing I want to do is hurt you, Zuko.”

Zuko nods quietly, looking down as uncle brings a pot of tea and two bowls of jook to the table, some of the jook still in the pot with the lid on it for Toph when she wakes up. Iroh sits down cross legged at the table and Zuko slowly and uncertainly follows suit. He glances nervously at uncle, taking a small bite of the jook. 

“Nephew, talk to me, please. I just want to understand. I want you to know how important you are to me. Toph had told me when she visited before that you weren’t doing well mentally. That you really hated yourself and felt like everyone was going to leave you sooner or later. I didn’t realize how bad it was until last night. What can I do to help you?” Iroh asks, not having touched any of his breakfast yet, just holding the cup of tea in his clasped hands.

Zuko thinks back at everything and the thought of saying it outloud makes it all seem so…stupid. Zuko just shrugs, taking a sip of his tea with trembling hands. “I-I don’t know. It’s…stupid. It’s alright. I-I’ll be alright. Just being reminded that I’m loved a-and missed should b-be enough.” Zuko says quietly, unable to make eye contact with Iroh.

“Will you tell me why you thought I wouldn’t love you anymore after just a few months apart?” Iroh asks, taking one of Zuko’s trembling hands in his. “Whatever it is, if it’s affecting you like this it isn’t stupid. I don’t care what it is, just tell me.” 

Zuko bites his lip, looking around the room nervously, unsure what he is looking for. “I-I just guess I al-always knew I-I was a replacement f-for Lu Ten, y-you needed so-someone to fill that hole a-and I needed someone t-to care a-about me like O-Ozai sh-should have. Should ha-have cherished that p-position more than I did, y-you did so much f-for me and I love y-you so much. Guess I-I just felt like y-you didn’t need m-me for that a-anymore. Pl-please I want y-you to be happy, st-stay with Jin’s mom, please. I should’ve kn-know you w-wouldn’t forget about m-me, I’m j-just so used t-to being le-left behind when people find s-someone better. Couldn’t bear t-to lose you.” Zuko chokes out, feeling tears he was holding back rolling down his cheeks.

Iroh wraps his arms around Zuko, pulling him close. “My brother put you through so much, nephew. He hurt you in so many horrible ways. Maybe at first I began to get closer to you out of pain, but for the past several years I have thought of you as my own. Not as Lu Ten, but as my son, Zuko.” Iroh says, kissing the top of Zuko’s head. “I love you so much, Zuko. I’m not going to leave you behind. Toph isn’t either. She’s here to stay. She isn’t using you like those who have left you behind have. We love you.” 

“Also, I’m definitely going to get arrested on multiple other occasions. At some point people are going to realize I can metal bend and put me in a situation I can’t get out of. Having the fucking Fire Lord come get me out of prison will be quite the flex. Also, you’re my best friend, you’re going to have to physically force me out of your life and we both know you can’t do that.” Toph says from behind him, causing Zuko to jump a little. Her hair is sticking up wildly and she’s holding a bowl of jook in her hands, eating it directly from the bowl opposed to using any form of utensil. 

Zuko pulls away from Iroh, smiling, wiping his eyes. “Thank you.” He says softly, referring to both of them. They eat together in silence after that, all enjoying each other’s presence. Zuko feels like a needle he didn’t know was there is removed from his heart. 

After they eat they begin to clean up. “I don’t know what you two have planned for the day or if you had any plans at all besides Toph getting you arrested. If you would like, you can stay and work at the tea shop today. Or I can close it today if you don’t want to but want to spend time together. Whichever you want, I’ve missed you and I want you to be happy.”

“I-I’de like to work in the tea shop with you today, uncle. I’ve really missed you, too.” Zuko says, remembering the simple joy he got from being Lee at the Jasmine Dragon. He met interesting people, he was somewhere safe, away from father. He was with uncle who loved him. His memories of the tea shop were some of his best. 

“Wonderful. I would love for you to meet Kora. She and Jin usually stop by in the early evening. It might be nice for you to see Jin again as well, she has asked how you’ve been, and I haven’t been able to tell her much. Please make your letters less formal, I want to hear from my beloved nephew, not the Fire Lord.” Uncle says, putting the dishes away. “Of course, uncle.”

“Who’s Jin? She a friend of yours you met here, Sparkey?” Zuko opens his mouth about to answer before Iroh unfortunately interjects. “She and Zuko went on a date. She thought Zuko here was a handsome young man and asked him out.” Uncle says, ruffling Zuko’s hair, making him blush, crossing his arms and grumbling about how Iroh made him go.

“Awe, did you two kiss?” Toph asks, making an exaggerated smoochy face at him. “We did not!” Zuko retorts defensively. “Ah! You’re full of shit, you  _ did  _ kiss. I hope she stops by here.”

“Why did you have to tell her about that uncle? You know how she is. She isn’t going to drop it.” Iroh chuckles, pinching Zuko’s cheek and Zuko swats his hand away. “Let’s go downstairs and open up. If you ever want her to stop just tell her you won’t get her out of prison next time. You’ll be fine.”

Zuko smiles at him, feeling so much better than he had in so long. Uncle wasn’t angry at him. Uncle didn’t hate him. “Hey, yeah leave me to rot in prison when I get out I’ll challenge you to an Agni Kai for the throne and be the first earthbender Fire Lord.”

“I banned Agni Kais already and you aren’t a firebender nor of royal blood. So good luck with that, Toph.” She grumbles something about how she was going to invent something called lava bending and then they’ll see who the real firebender is as the three of them put on aprons and begin to set up the shop and open up.

The next several hours is spent with the familiar and soothing smell of dried herbs being steeped into tea, of honey and milk that some customers desired mixed in with their tea. The tea shop is run differently than it once was. It isn’t a secret that Iroh is the crown prince of the Fire Nation and certainly not that he is a firebender, however he does dress like an earth Kingdom commoner now. It fits him well. 

Toph fits in very easily especially considering she is the only one of them who is actually from the Earth Kingdom and is wearing her standard green clothing which blends in well. She doesn’t know too much about the different temperatures that different teas need to be steeped at nor how to control fire much so she isn’t too much help. She spends her time serving customers and sitting in the corner sipping different kinds of tea she had never tried before all that which uncle had given her. 

Zuko has gotten much better at brewing tea after Iroh had shown him how to do it properly. He apparently made a disgusting batch of it after Azula had burned Iroh. Also he had worked in a tea shop under Iroh’s supervision (even when they worked for someone else) for over a month. His skills aren’t as refined and small talk isn’t his strong suit but the warm feeling of being surrounded by friendly people, warm smells, and uncle and Toph is something that soothes him to his core. Something he hasn’t felt in a long time. Something he needed. 

However, the only clothes that Zuko brought, where they are traveling clothes, are painfully Fire Nation. Everyone knows that Zuko isn’t from around here. It doesn’t take too long for people to make the connection between the scar on his face, his relationship with Iroh, and his nationality that he is Fire Lord Zuko. What does surprise him is that people are interested in that but aren’t overwhelmed. They greet him with interest and respect but then go mind their own business. He appreciates it. They likely have probably become accustomed to oddities here as the Dragon of the West once spent 600 days on a siege on the walls of this very city is now an upstanding citizen and owner of a small tea shop. The sitting Fire Lord serving tea here is only the second strangest thing.

Iroh makes Zuko a few different types of tea throughout the day, jasmine (which Zuko told Iroh was his favorite, he didn’t dislike it, he just didn’t feel the same way about tea as uncle did and Zuko having a favorite tea made Iroh happy), ginseng, and white tea which Iroh has under ‘white lotus tile’. Zuko quickly discovers he does not like white tea but drinks it anyway so as to not hurt Iroh’s feelings. (Note from the author: White tea is disgusting.)

As evening approaches, business begins to slow down as people go back to their homes to make dinner or eat it or do something that isn’t in a tea shop. That is when Zuko recognizes Jin walking into the store along with an older woman following her who must be her mother, Kora.

Kora looks a lot like Jin. Same brown hair and eyes, but her hair is pulled into a neat bun and she is taller than Jin, making it so she is definitely taller than Iroh. The height difference in that makes Zuko smile a little as Iroh and Kora embrace each other, Iroh kissing her cheek. Toph gives Zuko a mocking grin, knowing that she is going to tease him for this the entire way back to the Fire Nation. 

The two of them talk for a little bit before Kora walks over to Zuko, a warm smile on her face. “Ah, you must be Zuko, I’ve heard so much about you.” She embraces him, quickly pulling back, clearly unsure if she should greet him as the beloved nephew Iroh had told her so much about and boy her daughter had gone on a date with or if she should have greeted him as the sitting Fire Lord.

“It’s nice to meet you too, ma’am. My uncle seems to have become somehow more cheerful after meeting you.” He hopes that that will ease her mind as he doesn’t have it in him to adhere to formalities at this moment. He just wants to sit with people he cares about, listen to them talk in low voices around a fire and drink tea.  _ Fuck, I’m turning into uncle. _

“It’s nice to see you again, Zuko.” Jin walks up to him after her mother sits with uncle, giving him a warm smile. She doesn’t seem to be upset at all that their date didn’t turn into anything and Zuko ran off on her after they kissed. Lucky for her, she isn’t the most socially inept person to ever walk the face of the earth, a title Zuko unfortunately has. 

“It’s nice to see you too, how have you been doing?”

“Things have been interesting. A war going on for 100 years was recently brought to light only weeks before it ended along with the deconstruction of a secret police force running the city from its underbelly. All things considered, I have been doing really well.”

“Yeah…right.” Zuko looks down and scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry about Sparky here, he couldn’t hold an informal conversation if his life depended on it. That’s actually a fact. We almost killed him once because he couldn’t hold a conversation properly and convince us he wasn’t an asshole anymore. I’m Toph, by the way.” Zuko hears Toph say loudly behind him, slapping Zuko’s shoulder, grinning at Jin. 

Jin laughs a little. “Nice to meet you Toph, you’re the Avatar’s earthbending teacher, the one that invented metalbending. Iroh told me about you and the rest of Zuko’s friends when I asked what he knew about the Avatar and crew. That’s pretty amazing.” Toph punches Zuko’s shoulder hard. “Ow, what was that for?”

“For not making things work out with her. I like her. Jin, are you an earthbender by any chance?”

“Yes I am, actually. I’m not very good at it. I’ve always lived in the city so there isn’t much room to practice without damaging something and I was never able to be formally trained.”

“Well, I’m opening a metalbending school for earthbenders. You probably wouldn’t be able to learn how to metalbend yet but if you ever wanted to come out I would love to teach you earthbending. Insert something about cultural importance and spreading knowledge, but mostly I would love to have Sparky’s ex-girlfriend there to terrorize him with any embarrassing thing you tell me. I’m sure he was a mess the entire time.”

Zuko feels his face heating up and moves away from the two a little, looking at the ground. He feels wildly embarrassed and isn’t happy with how well Jin and Toph are getting along. At least Jin isn’t sour about their failed date. 

“Well we weren’t really a couple, just went on one date. He did tell me that he lived with a traveling circus and juggled.” Toph loses it at that, howling with laughter. “Please, you have to come. You can just stay at the school and I and anyone else there can teach you earthbending. All you have to do is get there and I’ll take care of everything else. Please consider it.”

_ Well this certainly isn’t going to go away anytime soon. _

Luckily within a half hour, Iroh has closed up the Jasmine Dragon and the five of them make their way up to Iroh’s apartment. Kora puts a basket on the counter and opens it, revealing that it is full of dumplings. Iroh begins to boil water for tea as Kora sets out the dumplings on the small, low table. 

Soon they’re all sitting together, just making easy conversation. Iroh had, of course, made ginseng tea, his favorite. Zuko slowly drinks his tea and nibbles on one of the dumplings. He hadn’t been doing too much that day and Iroh had given him tea and snacks throughout the day on top of eating breakfast. It’s already more than Zuko would eat on a normal day, still having trouble with eating.

Toph occasionally pokes him, pointing at his plate when no one is looking, indicating she knows he isn’t eating. Luckily, she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t further humiliate him in front of uncle or Jin and Korra. They don’t need to know the Fire Lord can’t even feed himself properly.

Despite everything, Zuko feels warm, safe, and happy with these people. He feels like everything is going to be okay. Toph was right, he just needed to see uncle. Uncle makes everything seem easier, seem better. He could stay right here forever, basking in the warmth of the fire, the tea, and the people around him, smiling contently. 

Part of Zuko wishes he could have stayed in Ba Sing Se. Could have stayed here with uncle, nights like this be a common occurrence. Nights filled with laughter of kind people around him; not with cold, formal talk followed by silence. He wouldn’t be alone here. The cold, gnawing creature wouldn’t feed on every one of his emotions, leaving him only with doubt and an aching emptiness. 

Zuko rests his head on uncle’s shoulder, the pull of sleep taking over him. He feels warm, safe, and happy. Maybe the healer at the palace was right, he should sleep more. Zuko had been told that poor sleep for so many nights in a row would lead to chronic fatigue. Maybe he could sleep easily now with these people around him.

Zuko feels Iroh wrap an arm around him, pulling him closer. “Getting tired, nephew?” Zuko nods wordlessly, nuzzling his head closer into Iroh’s shoulder. Iroh seems to understand that Zuko likes being here, surrounded by people expressing easy kindness he didn’t have to earn and could just bask in. Uncle doesn’t move him, he just holds him closer, rubbing his back, allowing Zuko to fall asleep in safety. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think:)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our small bean boy is allowed to fell happiness to a degree again:)

Zuko starts to come into consciousness, shifting a little, feeling something heavy on his abdomen. He slowly opens his eyes, blinking in confusion multiple times as he sees Toph’s face about a foot above his as she is sitting on his stomach. “Toph…what the actual fuck are you doing?”

“Oh, you know, just hanging out.” She gives him one of her wild grins before flipping him off. “Well do that somewhere else and get off of me.” He shoves her and she falls over dramatically, pretending to choke for some reason. “It’s too early for your shit, Toph. Are you on drugs or something? Calm down.”

Zuko sits up, yawning and stretching as Toph jumps up on her feet, pulling on his arm. “What are you so excited for? Did something happen? You have some prank you wanna pull on me or something? Did you do something last night?” Zuko tries to guess, pulling his arm back, running his fingers through his hair and yawning again. 

“Well, first of all, you fell asleep on Iroh’s shoulder at the table which was adorable.” She mocks as Zuko blushes in humiliation, hiding his face in his hands. Toph laughs at him. “Well, anyway, Iroh and Kora are going on a romantic picnic and Jin has work so it’s just us for the day. How do you feel about roaming the city with the desire for mayhem? Or maybe just sightseeing. Haven’t fully decided yet. Come on. It’ll be fun.”

Zuko groans, laying back down. “I don’t want to get arrested again Toph. Someone like Rulan might not be there next time and there may be people who want to put me in a cooler again. Lets just, I don’t know, do something fucking normal? There's plenty of things to do in this city.”

“Oh, come off it. If they put you in a cooler you can’t just break out or something. What is it? Like…I have no idea what a cooler is but I’m sure you can get out, they ca-”

“They’re fucking excusiating, Toph. I’ve been in one before at the Boiling Rock. I kept on a brave face for Sokka, but they’re well below freezing and suppress your bending so it feels like your bones are burning. I’m not going back into one. I can’t get out.” Zuko shivers at the memories of it. It had become near impossible to breath for him and every inch of him was on fire that he couldn't use to warm himself with. He had become so sure that Sokka was just going to leave him in there, having no more need for him. It was horrible. 

Toph looks shocked for a long moment before wrapping her arms around him. “I’m sorry, Sparky. I didn’t know they were torture devices. I thought they were just like, I don’t know, cells made with a specific metal that skilled firebenders couldn’t melt through. New idea, how about we go find the guards that wanted to put you, a fucking 16 year old, into a cooler for just trespassing and beat them up. Yeah, that’s a good idea.” She’s scowling, cracking her knuckles. 

“How about we don’t always go to violence as a first resort. That will then get us thrown in prison for a violent crime. Even though I’m the Fire Lord, I can’t get away with beating up guards of a sovereign nation.”

“You’re no fucking fun. Ooh, how about we go and thank Rulan for helping you out there. It will give us a destination and a few hours to fuck around. Also, I like the train. It’s the only good part about Ba Sing Se. It goes fast and I can see. Well, we can do that if you buy me food. You’re rich now. Also, if you do ever get your wish and seduce the man of your dreams, walking around and buying him food will become a part time job for you.” Toph teases as Zuko shoves her.

Zuko sighs longingly. He would give anything to have just one day where he could walk around Caldera City with Sokka as a couple. It would be a nice day with a breeze going through the buildings, warding off the constant Fire Nation heat a little. They could hold hands and Zuko could show Sokka all of his favorite views. Zuko would buy him good smelling food from various vendors, Sokka might even thank him with a quick kiss on the cheek if Zuko was lucky. He could watch Sokka excitedly look at weapons or whatever other shop Sokka wanted to go into. They could watch the sun go down together, eating Kamodo sausages and sizzle crisps. Maybe if Zuko was lucky he could rest his head on Sokka’s shoulder. If he was  _ really  _ lucky, he could rest his head in Sokka’s lap, letting him run his fingers through his hair. Even if Sokka forgot about it all the next day, Zuko could cling onto that warm memory in times of sadness which came more often now.

“Oma and Shu you have such a creepy fucking crush on this guy. Are you in some bad romance performance, me mentioning the guy and you sighing dramatically while looking into the distance longingly. I feel like I might have to tell him, get him to watch out for you. Like what the fuck Zuko? How horney  _ are  _ you?” Toph bursts into a fit of laughter.

Zuko feels his face heat up, hiding his face in his knees.  _ Fuck how could I let myself do that? Fucking fuck what the fuck? _ “Please don’t say anything to anyone. I would never actually  _ do _ anything to him. I’m not a pervert.” He grumbles, still painfully embarrassed.

“Come off it, Zu, I know you’re not some kind of asshole creep. Still, it’s pretty weird. Tone it down with the whole…thing. You’re going to see him again at some point and I can’t have you drooling over him. Because if you do that, not only will he never speak to you again,  _ I  _ will never speak to you again. Got it?”

Zuko nods before looking up again. “I won’t fucking do that if you stop making fun of me for having a stupid fucking crush on Sokka.” An idea comes to his head suddenly and he feels himself grinning wildly, unable to stop himself.

“What the fuck, Zuko. Are you like…fully smiling?” She touches his face, laughing a little. “Wow shit, I’ve never not seen you smile this much, what’s up?”

“What’s up is if you continue to make fun of me for liking Sokka I’ll make fun of you for kissing me while I was having a breakdown. I might even tell people! That Toph Beifong had a crush on m- Ow, you didn’t need to punch me so hard.” Zuko rubs his arm a little.

“Yes I did. You know I feel awful about it. Now, come on! There’s a horrible city to be explored and a not horrible man we have to thank!” She grabs his arm, pulling him to his feet and to the door. “Toph, fucking wait, I need to get dressed. I can’t run around in old pants and no shirt.” Toph sighs, letting go of him with no warning causing him to fall over. 

Zuko walks into the back room, pulling on his simplest set of clothing. It’s still painfully Fire Nation. He wishes that he had the forethought to bring something that was at least brown. He could have brought his brown cloak and worn it over his clothes. He wouldn’t stand out so much, but due to his feeblemindedness, he just packed bright red clothes to parade around Ba Sing Se in.

He walks back into the front room, Toph is leaning against the wall, drumbing her fingers against it in boredom. “Come on! Let’s go already. Iroh wants us to be back for dinner, he and Kora are going to be making bean curd puffs and egg custard tart. Sokka told me that the bean curd puffs are delicious, there was this fortune teller, Aunt Wu, that apparently Sokka hates, I’ve never met her, but I like her because Snoozles doesn’t, but even he would admit her bean curd buffs are good. The tart is Aang’s favorite dessert and I’ve been meaning to try it.” She pulls him out onto the street and they begin making their way towards the train station.

“I think I’ve met Aunt Wu. We were tracking Katara’s scent-”

“Wait, you were tracking  _ Katara _ ? Please don’t tell me you had a crush on her too. You just have a thing for that family? Don’t tell me you have a thing for Hakoda as well, y-” Zuko shoves her hard. “One more word and I’m telling uncle you kissed me and to not give you any dinner because I didn’t like it. You know how overprotective he is.” Toph just trips him with a rock that suddenly pops up from the ground. “Fine.” She grumbles. 

“ _ Anyway,  _ I wasn’t tracking Katara to find her, I was tracking her because she was traveling with Aang. She dropped her necklace and I hired a bounty hunter with a mole that tracks with scent, the one we found uncle when we lost Aang. On our way, Katara must have spent a lot of time at Aunt Wu’s because she came out and started flirting with my uncle and offered to read his fortune.”

They walk for a little bit, looking around before Zuko touches her shoulder. “Toph…can you stop making fun of me for having a crush on Sokka? I’m still really not ready to joke about it. I actually really don’t like it and it just makes me sad and feel more stupid than I already do.” 

“Oh…I’m sorry, Sparky. I was hoping it would be one of those things that it might help you get over it. I didn’t realize it was actually hurting you. I’ll stop making fun of you for that one specific thing, but don’t worry, you regularly give me plenty of aimo.” She playfully shoves him. 

They get to their first vendor that has something that looks particularly good to either of them. It’s deep fried pickle radishes. They have a pleasing aroma but Zuko isn’t sure he’ll actually like them. “I’ve had them before. They’re delicious, you’ll like them. If you don’t, I’ll eat it, also you should just eat, or I’ll tell Iroh that you only ate one dumpling last night.” She throws his threat right back in his face knowing Iroh would feed Zuko like a picky child if he had to. 

Zuko flips her off discreetly as he purchases two pickle radishes from the vendor, handing one of them to Toph as they continue making their way towards the train. Zuko examines the deep fried vegetable in his hand, it’s definitely interesting looking. He’s never actually eaten one in any form before. He sniffs it again, enjoying the scent of it before taking a small bite. 

“This is actually pretty good. I like it. It’s interesting and a bit weird and slimy, but good.” Toph has eaten about a third of her’s already. “Told you that you'd like it sparky. You need to stop being so fucking picky and stubborn. You’re a growing boy, eat like one.” Zuko ignores that last comment. 

A lot of the reasons he had trouble eating were very internalized by his father. Sometimes the thought of eating simply made him feel sick, unsure if it was because of fear of what his father might do to him for eating after failing, his general anxiety about everything, or just nausea from not eating in a long time. He simply saw eating as an irritating chore most of the time when he was eating along which was almost always. 

Some of the staff had quickly learned to not fear Zuko as they had feared his father and Azula. Zuko wouldn’t punish them for small mistakes that could be easily fixed and didn’t truly hinder how anything ran. Unfortunately, most of them still did fear him. One of the kitchen staff who he sort of considered a friend as much as he dared to, Zeila, was bold enough to be fully aware of when and how much Zuko ate and bring meals to him unrequested. She would often bring a scroll to read but when it had been a longer amount of time since he had eaten, she would bring food for herself as well. 

She would set food on his desk either in his office or his bedroom, wherever he had chosen to hole himself up in for days at a time, and take whatever he was doing from his hands, ignoring any and all threats he grumbles at her. She wasn’t scared of him. Zuko wasn’t sure if it was because she knew that he was weak or because she knew she wouldn’t actually be punished for trying to help him. When it had been days since he had last eaten, the time when he fell deep into a pit of self loathing, the creature gnawing at him, taking more of him than he could bear to give, she would eat with him. She would sit next to him, coaxing him into eating bites of soup she would bring him. Sometimes she would gently touch his shoulder. That alone would make Zuko be willing to starve himself. 

Most touch he despised. Anything that could develop into something else, something  _ more,  _ the person refusing to back down, lulling him into complacency. He never wanted to feel that again. He had felt it all too many times and  _ still  _ he had allowed it. He had even begun to allow it from Toph. He just wanted those small moments where touch was  _ good. _ Where it felt nice and comforting. Where it made him feel safe. Zeila would always only touch his shoulder, upper back, or his hand. It was always nice, it calmed his nerves and his stomach a little. Satiating the starving creature inside of him that fed off of his emotions and his energy for a moment. For a moment he wouldn’t feel worthless, he would be able to eat, be able to feel something other than empty despair. 

“Something wrong, Zuko? You’re kinda just…staring off.” Zuko snaps back into the present, looking over at Toph. He realizes that he had been staring blankly ahead of him while eating his pickle radish. He ate the whole thing and didn’t notice. He’d have to keep this trick in mind for when things started getting bad again. Likely within a few days of when Toph left again.

“Sorry, just thinking about uh…” He scours his brain, trying to think of anything other than saying he was thinking about how sad he is all the time. He looks around the street and sees a bakery. “I was thinking about how we should bring Rulan some cookies or something as a thank you if we’re really going to go thank him and not go cause trouble.” Zuko says too quickly. 

“Uh huh.” Toph replies, clearly not believing him for a second but she doesn't push the subject. They walk into the bakery and are immediately greeted by wonderful smells. Zuko smiles a little at it, biting his lower lip, looking at what there is. Toph gets a few cookies for herself and Zuko gets a few of really just about everything having no idea what the man liked. He was also really, genuinely grateful for his kindness. When he found out that Zuko was the Fire Lord he didn’t immediately try to get into his good graces in a ridiculous manner like many people have so far, he got worried about Zuko’s wellbeing. He didn’t just see the Fire Lord sitting in front of him, he saw a scared, 16 year old boy in over his head. So few people say him as just Zuko anymore. He was simply Fire Lord Zuko, a powerful man, not a person as well.

They soon reach the train station, walking up to the platform. Zuko looks around and sees a vendor selling kebabs made from vegetables and meat. “Would you like one, Toph?” She nods, mouth full with a cookie. Zuko walks over, purchasing one. The vendor gives him an odd look. He isn’t sure if it is because she is recognizing him as the Fire Lord or because he has singled himself out as Fire Nation. Either way, he ignores her and walks back to Toph who takes it from him. “Thank you sparky. You’re the best.”

Soon, the train arrives, and everyone boards it. The train is made entirely of stone and is pushed by two earthbenders in the back. It’s pretty innovative. 

The trip back towards the lower circle is much better than the one the other night when Zuko was completely out of it with despair, dread, and fear. Ba Sing Se is definitely a sight to behold. He doesn’t remember the train ride being this long, but then again, he was half conscious for most of the ride last time. After about an hour and a half, they arrive at their desired stop, exiting with a small group of people. 

This part of the city is far more crowded than the upper ring, but less so when he and uncle had lived here. That is likely because there aren’t refugees pouring into the city like they had been after the war. Also, people are likely mad at what had happened with the Dai Li and had left to find new places to explore and live. It’s cleaner as well, along with seeming to be doing a little better financially now with King Kuei more in tune with the affairs of his city, unsure who to trust after Long Feng’s coup. 

They walk down the streets for a long time, searching around the wall for a bit before finding the jail he and Toph had been held in. In front of it is an older man who could likely be Rulan, but Zuko suddenly realizes he had been so out of it he barely registered anything that was going on around him and just knows that Rulan is an older man with streaks of grey in his brown hair. He feels like even more of an idiot than he did moments ago.

One good thing about standing out wildly as a Fire National is that people have an easy time recognizing you, Rulan definitely has no trouble doing so. He bows to Zuko as he approaches. “Can I ask what you two are doing back here so soon.”

“Crime.” Toph says nonchalantly, shrugging. “I-I came to thank you, for your kindness the other day. I’m sorry if I caused you any trouble and I know you could have gotten in trouble for speaking up for me. It means a lot and I’m in your debt. If there’s anything you need from me, I’m not exactly someone difficult to reach by letter.” Zuko awkwardly says this while handing Rulan the bag of cookies, unsure what to do. 

“You haven’t seen much kindness in your life, have you, son?” Rulan just looks at him sadly as he accepts the bag. Zuko is a little taken aback, not expecting that response from him. “When the Fire Nation breached the walls of Ba Sing Se, I learned a bit about your father but I never thought that his cruelty extended to his children as well. I’m sorry, son.” Rulan places one of his hands on Zuko’s shoulder in a very comforting way. Zuko lets out a small sigh, relaxing a little. “Thank you, sir. I-I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t say something,”

“I mean, you could have just fought your way out.” Zuko shrugs, hoping as he does that Rulan won’t think he’s trying to shrug his hand off, wanting it to stay there. “There were a lot of people and it would be difficult to do so without getting someone hurt. I just don’t know what would have happened. Can’t ever go back in a cooler.”

Rulan gives him a concerned look. “I know they’re cold but are they painful for firebenders?” 

“Excruciating.” Zuko breaths, biting his lower lip. “Just…thank you, Rulan, sir.” Toph takes Zuko’s hand in hers squeezing it gently. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, son. I’ll keep that in mind, and you’re welcome.” Rulan removes his hand from Zuko’s shoulder and Zuko holds Toph’s hand a little tighter to replace the comfort it gave him. 

“We should be going, it’s a long trip back to the Jasmine Dragon and Iroh will worry if we’re back late. He gets very overprotective over his little boy.” Toph teases, standing on her toes and ruffling Zuko’s hair, he shoves her playfully. “Stay out of trouble, both of you. I hope the rest of life treats you better, Fire Lord Zuko.” He sees Rulan bow before turning away as Toph pulls him back into the streets. 

They stop at another vendor selling roasted seeds and nuts, Zuko buys a variety of roasted and salted peanuts, sunflower, pumpkin, and starpoppy seeds, handing it to Toph. “Thanks, Sparky. This has been a lot of fun. I’m out here with most of the perks of dating the Fire Lord without the commitment.” She elbows him a little, smiling. Zuko snorts with amusement, shoving her back. 

“But all jokes aside, you’re a nice guy, fun to be around, and from what I’ve heard, pretty good looking. You’ll find a nice person to spend your life with. You sell yourself short. You'll make a good boyfriend, just please don’t date anyone who treats you like shit. At some point I could help you look for someone. What are your preferences?”

Zuko gives her an odd look, feeling strange. He isn’t sure why she had said that or if she knew about any of the others and if she did why. He bites his lip, looking at the ground as they get on the train station platform, waiting. He had been with people who had hurt him because they were the only people who would settle for him. Mai wasn’t cruel, but she had inevitably grown tired of him, Toph would have to if they had actually been a couple for more than half an hour. 

“Zuko, like what kind of people do you like? Do you prefer men or women? What do you like, come on.” Zuko snaps out of his memories of past…encounters, he couldn’t really call them relationships. “Um, I don’t know. I don’t really want to think about it right now. I don’t think I should be dating right now. I can barely take care of myself, I shouldn’t be seeing anyone.” 

Toph takes his hand as they walk onto the train. “I understand, Zuko. Please, you deserve more than you think you do. You’re treating yourself the way your father did, ridiculous punishments for little to no reason. Think about your uncle and your friends. All of us want you to be happy and safe. Your father is a cruel man. Just remember that, Zu.” Zuko smiles a little at her. “Thank you, Toph. For everything, I want you to know that you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I love you, I’m grateful that we got to meet.”

“Love you too, Sparky. I’m glad we’re friends too. Please remember I’m not the only one in this world who loves you. You’re pretty great.” She punches him affectionately. They ride in silence the rest of the way to the upper ring.

When they get off, the sun is beginning to get low in the sky. They make their way quickly through the streets, wanting to get back to the tea shop soon before uncle begins to get too worried. They run into the building and up the stairs to the apartment above it. “Hey, uncle, we’re back.” Zuko calls as they open the door, walking in.

Iroh is standing at the stove, humming quietly, making tea, while Kora stands next to him, a warm expression on her face. “There you two are, Iroh was beginning to get worried. Dinner is almost ready, the tart has almost cooked through.” Kora says warmly, kissing Iroh’s cheek before she begins to set the table.

Within the next ten minutes, dinner is on the table and the five of them sit down and begin eating. Everyone seems to have had a nice day, Iroh and Kora went to a beautiful clearing, the shop Jin works had was slow moving with a lot of nice people there today, and Toph tells the others about how she and Zuko went to the lower ring to see the guard who had arrested them. Considering neither Kora nor Jin knew about their arrest that became an interesting conversation. Zuko stays out of it by staying silent, nibbling on a few bean curd puffs.

About an hour and a half later, Jin and Kora leave saying their goodbyes. Zuko sits next to Iroh by the fire, drinking tea, resting his head on Iroh’s shoulder. “Thank you, uncle, for everything. It’s really helped seeing you again. If you ever want to come back to the Fire Nation just for fun or if you wanted to show Kora around, you’re always welcome and I am always happy to see you.” Iroh wraps an arm around Zuko, pulling him close. “I love you, nephew. I just want for you to be happy again. You deserve to be. I love you, nephew, please never forget that. You’re so important to me and it would break my heart to lose you in any way. Okay?” Zuko nods, relaxing more into Iroh’s arms, his breathing becoming more even. “Okay, uncle. I love you too.” Is the last thing he mumbles before drifting off to sleep, feeling safe, warm, and loved.

The next five days pass in comfort. Two of the days, Toph and Zuko go out exploring Ba Sing Se, the other three, they help Iroh in the tea shop. People don’t give him too much trouble about being the Fire Lord when they figure it out, which isn’t particularly difficult to do. One of the days, a few local politicians came down and had a discussion with him about creating new trading agreements in the near future. Zuko discusses the availability of an ambassadorship with the Fire Nation to better advocate for Ba Sing Se based on needs and product availability. He made it clear that they could make in public or just share the information that they could simply write to them giving qualifications and connections if they were interested in the position.

Throughout this discussion, Iroh brings Zuko tea and embarrasses him in front of the people he was talking to. He soon realized that Iroh was actually onto something as soon after Iroh had ruffled Zuko’s hair affectionately and teased him about his dislike for the tapioca tea that Iroh had invented and had become quite popular, the people around him had become significantly less nervous and more open. They began treating Zuko less like the Fire Lord and more like just Zuko. It’s nice, he likes being able to just relax around Iroh. 

On the ninth day that they were in Ba Sing Se, they ate a breakfast of jook and oolong tea, that Iroh had under ‘bender tea’ on his menu for Aang and Katara, said their goodbyes to Iroh, and left. 

The journey back wasn’t as interesting, they were able to get out of the city without getting arrested, spent two days hiking back to the ship, and another two and half sailing back to the Fire Nation. Eighteen days away from the Fire Nation and his duties as Fire Lord and he feels so much better. He got to see uncle and spend time with his best friend. He knows that the feeling is going to go away soon after she leaves, but he enjoys it while it lasts. 

When they reach the shores of the Fire Nation, Zuko grabs his bags and says his goodbyes to Toph before they part ways. He trudges up to the palace, greeting everyone he sees in a friendly manner. He still doesn’t feel empty yet when he makes his way back into the palace and officially makes his return to the throne, dissolving the temporary council.

He begins to make his way back to his room, wanting a hot bath and a good night’s sleep when a servant comes up to him. “Fire Lord Zuko, I know you usually read any and all letters you receive during work hours, but this one is personal, not professional and I thought that you would like to see it.” She hands it to him, bowing. “Thank you, Lura. Have a good rest of your night.” 

“You as well, your majesty.” 

Zuko sets his bags down and is about to leave the letter on his bedside table for later, unsure who would be writing to him in a personal manner. He looks at the signature briefly, warmth filling his chest and a grin breaking out on his face when he does.  _ Sokka.  _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toph and Zuko out here sharing 1 faulty braincell. Pls let me know what you think


	9. Chapter 9

**Zuko,**

**About three months ago I left the South Pole. It was supposed to be just a few weeks of visiting Suki and helping around Kyoshi island with rebuilding and re establishing itself. However, it has quickly turned into running around the Earth Kingdom doing a whole bunch of crazy things. I would love to tell you about them more in detail when I see you again.**

**We visited Toph’s bending school and it’s honestly pretty amazing. She set it up in the middle of the woods miles away from anything except a few farms. I can’t say that I’m particularly surprised, but it is amusing. I guess part of the admission process is being able to** **_find_ ** **the school. I wrote her a letter informing her that I was in the Earth Kingdom and might run into her. I completely forgot that she is blind and can’t read, she and Suki made fun of me the entire time that we were there. Suki still mocks me for it, it’s pretty ridiculous.**

**I don’t know if any of us have ever told you about the cave of two lovers to Omashu, if we haven’t, it’s when we were trying to get to Omashu to find an earthbending teacher for Aang but it was taken over by the Fire Nation. We snuck in through this cave made by lovers Oma and Shu who were the first earth benders, I’m sure you know the basics about them seeing as you are a man of culture. A group of nomads took us to the cave and wouldn’t stop singing these awful songs the entire way through this cave. Unfortunately, they are now performers and Suki loves their music. Toph mocked me for being stuck with them in a cave for hours and now I was paying to go listen to them. The things I do for love.**

**Mostly what we have been doing is establishing connections between Kyoshi island and other parts of the Earth Kingdom. Due to the fact that it was a neutral territory for 100 year, they don’t have many connections in terms of trade and allies. I think of it as good practice for when I end up actually training for the ambassador position you offered if that’s still available.**

**Overall things have been good for me. How have things been going for you? Are you enjoying being the new Fire Lord? I haven’t heard any stories about you abusing your power so far, so you’re doing better than your ancestors. This may not be any of my business but when we were visiting Toph I had asked how you were doing considering she was the one who saw you most recently. She said that you weren’t doing well and that she was worried. Are you okay, Zuko? I should have reached out sooner and I’m sorry that I didn’t. Please take care of yourself.**

**I hope to see you soon,**

**Sokka**

Zuko reads the letter again and again, completely forgetting about bathing as he sits at the desk in his room, getting a piece of paper and a brush. Sokka hasn’t forgotten about the fact that he exists. He doesn't hate him. He might value their friendship to a degree at least. Zuko begins to write back, just writing what he is feeling, not what he intends to send.

**Sokka,**

**It’s so good to hear from you, I’ve missed you a lot. I haven’t been able to keep you out of my head since you left. Thinking about your smile, the way you're easy to be around, your compassion for others makes things a little easier for me. I’m so happy for you that you found Suki, that you two are happy together, it’s what you deserve. I can’t help but be jealous of her, I don’t know who couldn’t. You’re the one of kindest people I’ve ever met, extending so much of that to me. As much as I try to deny it to myself and everyone else I love you. I wish I could be the one to have the privilege to love you and I fully understand why I don’t. I just wish I could tell you without you hating me, it might make things more bearable. I know it would never work out but it’s that possibility that the stupidest part of me is hanging onto that I can’t shut down because I’ll never have the courage to let you reject me.**

**For why Toph is worried about me, I’m worried too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think maybe I was born broken or maybe something happened to me while I have been alive. Whatever it is, something is wrong with me and I don’t know what or why. I feel like there’s this creature inside of me that’s eating away at everything inside of me. My emotions, the details in memories, and it just leaves me cold and empty. I’m sad and alone all the time and I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared, Sokka. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head about just ending it completely especially jumping from the top of the palace. These thoughts get into my head and I can’t get them out and I’m so scared that one day I’ll just lose control for long enough to do it**

**It all just feels so exhausting and hopeless. I want you here. You always make things better. Please come here, I’ll do anything if you would just come here and hold me. I love you, Sokka, and I would never do anything to hurt you or upset you just please come here. I just need you to hold me and tell me that I’m not worthless and shouldn’t just find some way to end all of this. I need you. I love you.**

**Please hurry,**

**Zuko**

Zuko reads the letter that he means every word of, that he wishes that he could send. He needs Sokka here. Toph is right about his feelings for Sokka being unsettlingly strong to the point that it’s kind of creepy. Okay, really creepy. Toph could only banish these horrible thoughts from his head for as long as she was with him and it took days for that to start working. The same with uncle. He needs to try and find anything or anyone that helps him not feel so horrible all of the time. 

Soon enough, he will sink back down into a hole where even Agni’s strongest rays can’t reach him. He can already feel himself slipping down there, hope and will dissipating. He would do just about anything for Sokka to hold him, to tell him that it’s going to be okay. He wants Sokka so bad, not even in a sexual way, just to be held by him, feel Sokka’s fingers run through his hair, hear his voice, to rest against him, feeling safe and warm.

Zuko reads the letter one more time before putting it in his desk, he would read it again when he wants to punish himself for what could have been if he wasn’t a coward. A lie that he tells himself, a lie that Zuko and Sokka could ever be together. An intricate way of subconsciously hurting himself even more. 

He picks up the brush and a new piece of paper and begins to write a letter he intends to send.

**Sokka,**

**It’s so good to hear from you, I’ve missed you a lot. Toph told me a little bit about what you’re doing and a lot about the letter you sent to her. She thought that it was pretty funny. She had visited me on the spring equinox. We’re meeting up on the solstices and the equinoxes. Don’t ask me why, it wasn’t important enough to me to argue with her on that.**

**When she visited, we went to Ba Sing Se. Turns out she has a ship that she stole from Fire Nation soldiers who denied that the war was over and were attacking a village. She buries her ship and rock and dents the metal so that no one will take it. The second that we got to Ba Sing Se she got us arrested and that was an awful experience, they are now suspicious of firebenders and there is a lot of anger due to the Dai Li, so that was pretty terrible. That’s not something I want to go into more detail with when I see you next, you’ll have to ask Toph.**

**Seeing uncle again was nice. He has a girlfriend now. I went on a date with a girl when we were living in Ba Sing Se and now uncle is dating her mother. It’s a little weird but they’re happy together and they’re both very nice women. I drank more tea in the 9 days that I was there than I have since I took the throne, most of it just to make uncle happy.**

**I’m really happy that you and Suki are doing so well together, you really make each other happy and it’s something you both deserve. Aang told me about that trip with the nomads, that is one of the angriest I have ever seen him before when he isn’t in the avatar state. I am sorry that you had to sit through more of their music, but you’re just trying to be a good boyfriend. I hope Suki knows how lucky she is to have someone like you.**

**This isn’t really something I know how to get into in writing, maybe I can tell you more when I see you again, you are always welcome in the Fire Nation. You can stay in the palace, you don’t even have to tell me you’re coming, I will always be happy to see you. I really hate being the Fire Lord, I like being able to try and help the world recover from what my family did, but I hate how visible it makes me. As to why Toph is worried it’s because I’m just unhappy all the time no matter what happens. Again, something better to talk about in person.**

**I hope to see you soon future ambassador Sokka,**

**Zuko**

Zuko reads the letter again, somewhat satisfied with what it says. He has to send a letter tonight. If he waits, as soon as the creature comes back, he’ll lose all feeling again, convincing himself Sokka didn’t want to speak to him. Convincing himself that Sokka wanted him dead. Convincing himself that he should walk to the top tower with the balcony and simply step from it. It’s a long plummet to the ground. It would do the trick. 

When that thought had first entered Zuko’s mind a few months ago, he stopped going anywhere near that place. It would break Iroh’s heart if he did that. That wasn’t an option. Iroh had done too much for Zuko, and he couldn’t repay his uncle like that. 

If Sokka ever saw the letter he wants to send, Sokka would never speak to him ever again. He knows that it’s heavy and that putting so many of your troubles on someone like that while simultaneously declaring your love isn’t a fair thing to do to someone. Zuko would never want to hurt Sokka. He doesn’t want to worry him with what’s really going on. He doesn’t want to burden him with how sad and scared he is all the time for no apparent reason. He can’t tell Sokka how much he wants to die.

_ Do it. You don’t know how to rule a nation. You barely even know how to keep yourself alive. You wouldn’t have to do either anymore. Some may mourn, but not for long. They’ll move past it, they’ll forget, the nation will be in more capable hands. Any but yours.  _ Zuko covers his ears, trying to block his father’s voice from his head. He can feel the creature begin gnawing at him again, he can feel his heart palpitating but can’t hear it pounding. It feels awful. 

Zuko stands up, body trembling a little as he feels the desire for just endless rest. He doesn’t want to feel so exhausted and empty anymore. He wants to just be asleep. Zuko shakes his head, he can’t let those thoughts get too much into him. They lead him down a very dark path that he doesn't want to go down tonight. He had several good days in a row and he didn’t want his happiness to fade that fast again even though it’s already depleting rapidly. He can feel as if the last strands of it are being pulled from his mind, leaving him in empty sadness. 

He begins walking down the hallway, head down, letter in his shaking hands, going to go find a messenger hawk. He knows where they are, he just needs to walk, one step at a time. He has to move forward and get there. He has to reply to Sokka. He can’t let Sokka think that this letter means anything less than the world to him. 

“Your majesty?” Zuko hears someone say behind him and he jumps yelping a little, unsure why he has suddenly gotten so on edge again. Maybe it is because he had written that other letter and just let down some of the walls he tries to keep intact at all times. Or at least most of the time. There's a lot of emotion and pain behind them. Or maybe because he allowed for his thoughts of suicide enter his mind.

“My lord, I’m sorry for startling you. Please forgive me.” The servant says, falling to her knees in a low bow. The staff Zuko had come to consider friends are simply the people who aren’t scared of him. They are the people who don’t have any family left, who aren’t scared of what Zuko may do to them if he is trying to fool them with his desire for informality. Zuko always forgets that most of the staff is absolutely terrified of him due to how his father and sister were. That is definitely not a reminder he needs right now.

“Pl-please, it’s alright, ma’am.” Zuko whispers, trying to keep his voice somewhat steady as his breath becomes more labored.  _ They all know you’ll become me one day. Like father, like son. You know it’s true.  _ Zuko hears his father’s voice in his head again he presses his hands against his ears as if that would shut him out.  _ Or not quite. You’re weak. You’re pathetic. You should be able to be alone for periods of time. You’re freaking out because your friends and failure of an uncle are gone. You’re breaking down because you startled a servant. Disgusting. There’s only one way for you to end with a shred of your honor left. You have to end it yourself, you know how.  _

He can’t breath, he can barely see. Father’s voice is too loud. He can feel his body falling through the air to the promising ground below. Something that would swallow him, allow him peace and rest. Something that would silence father’s voice, end his constant humiliation and empty despair.

Zuko isn’t sure how long this lasts, how he got to the ground, what exactly set this off and what exactly is happening to him. The more he worries about what is happening the worse it gets.  _ Am I dying? Am I sick?  _ He asks himself, feeling his whole body shaking, clutching himself tightly. 

He feels a hand press against his head. Someone is here with him, he isn’t alone. Zuko leans against it so as to not lose it before blindly searching for the hand with his own, clutching it tightly. He hears a voice that he can’t understand say something to him. Zuko opens his mouth to ask them to repeat themselves and just hears a loud sob come from his mouth instead.  _ What’s wrong with me? What’s happening to me? Everything was going well. Toph doesn’t hate me, Sokka wrote to me, uncle said he loves me? Why is this happening?  _ Are his only cohesive thoughts, unable to stop trembling. 

He hears someone speak and can’t hear them. He knows they are saying words that he can understand but they aren’t stringing together in a way that he can process. He feels the hand against his head begin to pull away and he hears himself whimper a little. “Do-don’t g-go, please.”

He isn’t sure who he is speaking to but he doesn’t really care, he just wants them to stay. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he leans forwards, trying to find the person it belongs to. Zuko feels himself pressing against someone’s chest, arms wrapping loosely around him, keeping him safe. He moves his head into a more comfortable position on their shoulder, focusing on trying to even his breath, trying to pull himself out of this.

“Are you alright, lord Zuko?” He hears someone ask, the first thing besides his father’s voice he had heard since this started. Zuko shakes his head, pressing himself closer to the person in front of him. “Did something happen?” The person asks again, a hand lightly rubbing his back, Zuko lets out a small sigh, relaxing a little into the touch.

Zuko shrugs. He isn’t sure if something really  _ happened  _ or if he just worked himself up, hearing father’s voice still ringing in his head. “What do you need?” Zuko thinks for a moment. There is so much he needs. He needs to feel safe, he needs father to leave him alone, the creature to stop taking everything from him, to not feel so isolated from everyone around him, to be happy for longer than when he was with Toph. He needs that happiness to extend after her departure. What he thinks of what he really needs is a goofy grin and bright blue eyes. 

“S-sokka. I need Sokka.” He whimpers, wrapping his arms around the person in front of him. He knows it’s not really something that they can get him like water or soup, it just sort of comes out of his mouth. Feels nice to say though.

“Were you going to bring this letter to a messenger hawk? Would you like me to send it for you, my lord?” Someone asks, Zuko nods numbly. “Would you like to be brought back to your bed? Forgive me for speaking so boldly, but some sleep may do you some good.” It’s the servant he had scared, the one who is holding him. He can’t remember her name, but he is grateful to her. She is scared of him yet extended kindness to him when he needed it. He knows she may feel obligated to do so, but it feels nice nonetheless. He nods again.

He feels a new set of hands touch him, picking him up in strong arms, one under his back and the other under his knees, pulling him close to their chest. Zuko feels dizzy and disoriented as he is carried through the halls, unsure of space or time right now. Things like this had happened to him before, but they had never been this bad. It had been blurred vision, trembling body, feeling too hot, shortness of breath but it had all been over in a few minutes. Maybe it feels worse because the other times he was alone. He didn’t humiliate himself in front of other people.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is very soft, sounding more likely a broken whisper than anything cohesive. He is met with silence.  _ They don’t know how to tell you that you should be. That you should be begging for forgiveness. The only reason they’re not is fear, not loyalty or respect, fear that  _ I  _ instilled. The only thing you can scare is yourself.  _ Zuko lets out a tiny whimper as he is seated down on the bed.

“Thank you, Reji.” He hears the servant say to someone, likely the person carrying him as he hears footsteps leave the room. Suddenly hands begin moving under his robes, beginning to pull it off. Zuko yelps, filing his arms wildly at the person. “D-don’t! Please don’t!” He practically begs, curling up on himself, crying. Horrible memories filling his head. 

“I’m sorry, my lord, I was only trying to help you change into something more comfortable. Please forgive me.” The servant’s voice is filled with fear. Zuko blinks several times, trying to clear his vision a little while taking time to calm himself down a little. “It’s alright, ma’am. It’s not your fault, I’ve just had…bad experience.” 

Zuko just pulls the blankets over himself, not caring that he is fully clothed. “Thank you for your mercy, lord Zuko.”

“I-I don’t want to be my father. I won’t hurt you or anyone else for just…existing. What’s your name, ma’am.” After several minutes of silence pass and he doesn’t want her to leave, he doesn’t want to be alone. Zuko doubts he can guarantee safety from himself if he is left alone like this. 

“Aimeka. Do you need anything that would help you, my lord?” He feels her hand pressed against his forehead, gently rubbing her thumb on his temple. “W-will you stay until I-I fall asleep? Don’t think I can…I just don’t think it will be good for me to be alone. Shouldn’t take long.” He feels incredibly stupid that he almost just admitted to someone that if he were left alone he may do something to hurt himself or worse. He is being honest about it not taking long for him to fall asleep, he’s exhausted. That final episode took everything from him. Soon his is lulled into pleasant darkness, something he hopes he never comes back from. Fall asleep and just simply not wake up. All of the rewards and none of the effort. It’s what he needs.


	10. Chapter 10

That had been a horrible night. It was almost a week ago and everyone in the palace knew what had happened. No one said a single thing to him, likely out of fear, embarrassment or a mix of both, but they knew. The servants and guards were still treading on eggshells around him, but not in the way they normally did. They didn’t look at him with fear that he might lash out at them but fear that he might break down. Zuko had never felt so humiliated and ashamed in his life. 

The past several days he had holed himself up in his room or his office to avoid everyone now. There were so many nervous and pitying looks, it made him feel small, vulnerable, and weak. At this point he had retreated to his room, spending so many days buried in work he had run out. He then retreated further into his bed, hiding in the covers.

He can’t remember the last time that he had eaten and is fully nauseous with hunger. He can feel it gnawing away at his sides, stomach growling for food. He actually does want to eat but can’t bear to face anyone. He can’t force himself to bathe and is barely able to make himself drink water he draws from the pump. Zeila hadn’t been here to check on him, she either didn’t know he wasn’t eating again or didn’t want to be around him right now. That is definitely understandable.

He feels so sick he might throw up if he had anything to eat, and if he did eat something now he would definitely vomit. His vision started becoming blurry last night, his head had become foggy earlier than that, he couldn’t remember when he first started to notice. Starving himself to death is not the preferred method of dying, but it might be what he ends up doing. It might be for the best anyways.  _ It is for the best. For you and everyone else. Just let go. _ Zuko hears father say in his head, Zuko doesn’t argue.

Zuko hears a knock at the door and he whimpers a little, pulling the covers tighter around him, not wanting to face anyone. A knock comes again along with a voice. “Zuko, I know you’re in there, I’m coming in if you don’t respond.”  _ Sokka? How is he here? Wh– am I dead? Is this how death is what’s best for me? Is he real? Does it matter if he is real? He’s Sokka.  _

The door creaks open and Sokka walks over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. He looks sad as he rests a hand on Zuko’s shoulder, trying to get Zuko to sit up. Zuko complies readily, body trembling a little with hunger and exhaustion. This Sokka isn’t real and it doesn’t matter, he feels real, he sounds real. He’s real enough. It doesn’t matter if Zuko is seeing him in death or if he is a hunger and fear fueled hallucination. 

“Sokka. You came. You knew I needed you.” He whispers, resting his head on Sokka’s shoulder, feeling safe and warm. “Zuko…what’s wrong? You’re really worrying me. The staff told me what happened in the letter and when I got here. What’s wrong?”

Zuko wraps his arms around Sokka, lifting his head to look into Sokka’s bright, beautiful eyes, so full of compassion and concern. Hallucination Sokka is so much like real Sokka, exactly like real Sokka. He’s perfect. “Nothing is wrong now. You’re kinda here. It’s okay now.” Zuko presses his forehead against Sokka’s, sighing contently. 

“Zuko, what is that even supposed to mean? You’re not okay, you’re acting really weird. What’s up? What’s the matter? Will you talk to me? Tell me what’s on your mind. It’s alright, it’s just us, no one else is here. People are worried about you, especially me.” Sokka rubs Zuko’s back gently, not pushing him away, keeping his eyes open so Zuko could look into them, feeling safe. Definitely not real Sokka. Real Sokka wouldn’t allow Zuko to be so close to a kind of intimacy with him. Breaths mingling, their lips just a few inches apart.

“I was just sad and scared, Sokka. I could feel the creature gnawing at me and I could hear father telling me I should just kill myself. It was just a little too much and I broke down. I  _ am  _ okay now because you’re here. Well not  _ here _ here, or I guess you are but you’re not  _ you.  _ Not the point. I’m just so happy you’re here. I know I could never really say this to you but I’ve wanted to for a long time and this is the best way to do this. I love you, Sokka. You make me feel safe even when things are bad and I love you so much.” 

Sokka just gives him an odd look but doesn’t say anything. Zuko touches Sokka’s cheek genty, smiling at him, gently pressing his lips to Sokka’s. Just something sweet and gentle, nothing that indicated anything more. A way he had always wanted to be kissed and never had been. Even Toph’s had been a little much for him. But at least it wasn’t feverish and demanding like so many he had received, backing him into a corner with no options.

Sokka just stares at Zuko blankly after he kisses him, Zuko leans forward to try and kiss him again but he feels Sokka push him away with his hand. “Zuko, I don’t know what you think is going on or what it’s supposed to mean that I’m not me or not really here, but I am. One of the guards sent me a letter telling me you had a complete breakdown, made it sound like you wanted to kill yourself, and had asked for me. It was sent with the letter you wrote. I’m really worried about you and even more so now. Do you not know where you are? Are you having trouble telling the difference between reality and fantasy? Are you on something? When’s the last time you’ve eaten, you look horrible.”

Zuko is barely listening to him, all he knows now is that he had just kissed and confessed his love to real Sokka. He sees Sokka’s hand slowly reach to his face and Zuko yelps, jumping to the far side of the bed, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“I-I’m sorry! Pl-please don’t go! Please d-don’t h-hit me! Pl-please do-don’t leave me here. I won’t ever t-touch you again if you don’t want just please don’t go. I can’t be alone right now a-and you’re safe. Y-you just make me feel safe, please don’t go I-I’m sorry. You can do whatever it is you want to me, just please don’t go.” Zuko cries, curling up on himself as tight as he can, not sure what Sokka would do to him, unsure if he could handle it.

“Fuck, Zuko. What do you want to eat? I’ll ask someone to bring you something. How long has it even been since you last ate?” Zuko wants to look up but can’t, digging his fingernails into his legs. “I-I don’t know, the last t-time I ate was…four days ago I think, maybe five. I’m not sure. I don’t th-think I can eat anything. J-just don’t go. Please.” Zuko whimpers, hating how pathetic he sounds. 

“Zuko, I’m not leaving you, alright. You need to eat, I’m going to ask for some soup for you. I’ll be right back. We’re going to talk, just calm down. I’m not going to hit you, I’m not going to leave you. You’re sick, Zuko. You’re really sick. I’m not angry, I’m worried. I promise I’ll be right back, okay?” Sokka touches Zuko’s shoulder again and Zuko forces himself to nod before it pulls away and he hears footsteps moving away from him. 

Zuko tries to calm his breathing as he raises his head, wiping at his eyes, trying to pull himself somewhat together before Sokka comes back. He’s a fucking idiot, he kissed Sokka, he broke down more in frount of him. Sokka had said he is sick…is that supposed to mean something else, like he’s disgusting? Zuko tries not to think too hard about anything in particular that just happened, knowing it would send him down a bad path. 

Sokka walks back into the room a bit later, carrying in a tray with two bowls of noodle soup and two cups of water. He sets it down on the bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed again. Zuko hears his stomach growl loudly as he smells the bone broth wafting over from the bowls, he lets out a tiny whimper, closing his eyes again.

“Zuko, Toph told me you weren’t doing well. She said you were freaked out pretty easily, but this is…this is bad. I didn’t think it was this bad. Are you seeing a healer at all, like for mental illness, not physical.” Sokka asks, taking his hand. Zuko feels his heart lurch a little. Azula is in a hospital with people treating her mental health and she’s crazy. Zuko isn’t…is he? He has been hearing father’s voice in his head and feels like there is something inside of him, eating away.  _ I’m not crazy. I’m just scared and sad. I’m  _ not  _ crazy. _

Zuko shakes his head. “I’m not crazy. I’m not sick. I’m just…I-I think I’m broken, Sokka.” Zuko sobs out the last bit, clutching onto Sokka’s hand, before flinching back, not sure if Sokka would want to be touched after what Zuko had done. 

Sokka moves toward him, pulling him into a gentle hug which Zuko collapses into, shifting so he could be fully engulfed in Sokka’s arms. “Zuko, I’m going to need you to eat, alright? You aren’t thinking clearly right now and you’re starving. Let’s just eat some noodle soup together and calm you down. I’m not angry that you kissed me, I’m confused and worried. You feel sick because you haven’t eaten in so long. This is likely going to make you sick but you have to eat. The longer you go without eating, the more dangerous it becomes to start again. Please, Zuko. Will you eat for me?” Sokka asks softly, running his hand over Zuko’s greasy hair.

Zuko lifts his head, looking at Sokka, giving him a weak smile. “I'd do anything for you.” He mumbles, taking the bowl Sokka had given him, raising it to his lips and drinking the broth. His hands are shaking too hard to properly use chopsticks so he doesn’t even try. Sokka eats his food uncharacteristically slowly, watching Zuko closely. 

“Ha-have I ruined everything? Like our friendship? Pl-please tell me I haven’t. I’m so sorry, Sokka. I-I…I’m just scared and overwhelmed right now and you’re safe. You just make me feel safe and…I don’t know, it won’t ever happen again.” Zuko whimpers, about a quarter of the way through his soup. His head thoughts and vision begin to slowly become clearer. He still feels incredibly sick though. He isn’t going to be able to keep this down. 

Sokka gently rests his hand on Zuko’s shoulder, giving him a sad look. “You haven’t ruined anything, Zuko. I’m not angry, I’m not upset, I’m just really worried about you. You do understand that having a complete meltdown, then refusing to eat for five days after and being in such a horrible state mentally and physically that you think your friend is some kind of hallucination isn’t normal or healthy, right?”

Zuko nods, wrapping his arms around himself, nodding, looking down. This would be where Sokka would tell him that he’s a lost cause or that he’s crazy and should be locked up with Azula. Either way, even if Zuko hadn’t ruined their friendship, if Sokka was even telling the truth, Zuko is too far gone. He isn’t someone Sokka would want to be around. Sokka would just be willing to tolerate Zuko when he has managed to pull himself together for a few hours. He definitely wouldn’t want to be here when Zuko needed him. He couldn’t blame him, no one would.

Sokka wraps his arms around Zuko, pulling Zuko’s back close to his chest, rubbing his arm. Zuko leans his head back a little to rest it on Sokka’s shoulder, closing his eyes, taking comfort in him for as long as Sokka was offering it. “Zuko, I am willing to stay here for a few days and help you get yourself back together. I’m willing to forget about the kiss and not say anything to anyone about it and continue to be your friend who loves you a lot. But you need to do some things for me, alright? Are you willing to at least hear me out?”

Zuko bites his lip, feeling tears welling in his eyes, having a pretty good idea what Sokka wanted. A lot of people wanted it, many had gotten it through horrible relationships that Zuko threw himself into for any form of affection from someone else. It would be worse with Sokka. Sokka made him feel safe and loved and he was about to lose that. He was about to lose the safest person he knew. “I-If you want to fuck m-me can I at least cl-close my eyes? Wa-want to pretend i-it’s someone who doesn’t ma-make me f-feel safe. Ca-can’t lose you. A-and pl-please be ge-gentle, i-it hurts a lot.” He whimpers, abandoning his soup next to the bed, turning his head into Sokka’s neck, breathing in his scent. Salt, jasmine, komodo chicken, and sandalwood. 

He feels Sokka’s arms pull him closer, but it doesn’t seem possessive. Sokka is shaking, his chest moving up and down rapidly. Zuko lifts his head in confusion. Sokka is crying quietly, head bent low. “Sokka? I-Is it something I said…I’m sorry, are you alright?” Zuko whispers, wiping a tear from Sokka’s eye which is quickly replaced by more. “I’m sorry, Sokka, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Resting his head back on Sokka’s shoulder when he doesn’t respond.

“What’s been done to you, Zuko? How many people have hurt you like that? I am so sorry, Zuko. I won’t hurt you like that, I swear to you. I won’t, and I know Toph won’t, let anyone hurt you like that ever again.” 

Zuko lifts his head again, looking at Sokka deeply confused. “Th-then what do you want? D-do you want to cut me or…I don’t know. What do you want?”

Sokka meets his eyes, looking decestated. “Please stop giving me examples of what you think I want, it’s all so horrible. What I want to write to the hospital Azula is staying at. I want you to ask them about psychiatrists who are either nearby or would be willing to come to the palace. You’re not broken, you’re sick, you need help to heal just like any other illness. I know that there is more stigma about mental illnesses in the Fire Nation than in the Water Tribe, but you need help. This is bad and it will only get worse. You have a lot of trauma and this could help with that a lot as well. I also want you to eat everyday at least once, you need to eat something. I don’t want you holed up somewhere to avoid people, I want you to try and be around people a little everyday. If you don’t have it in you to talk to anyone, just go down to the turtleduck pond and feed them for a while. I know it’s a lot but you are  _ really  _ sick. We’ll write to the hospital together, alright Zuko?” Sokka asks, pulling him a little closer.

Zuko opens his mouth, unsure what he would say. All he knows is that was not at all what he had expected Sokka to want from him. Besides Toph and uncle, Zuko couldn’t remember the last time Zuko had someone who cared so deeply about him. Even with uncle and Toph, they just helped him feel better in the moment, never really being able to help him after they left. Zuko feels tears rolling down his cheeks, hugging Sokka. Part of him is angry at Sokka for exposing him like this. Telling him that there is in fact something wrong with him, something that isn’t right, something that needs to be fixed. He feels like father has been right about him all these years, being a burden, an inconvenience, needing to be taken care of more. The other part is grateful for Sokka for telling him that he’s not broken but he’s  _ sick.  _ Sickness can be cured, it can get better.  _ He  _ could be better. He might not drive everyone away so easily if he is different.

“It’s alright, Zuko, It’s alright, you’re alright.” Sokka mumbles, rocking Zuko in his arms. Zuko moves his head so it’s under Sokka’s chin, ear pressed against his chest, listening to the rhythm of Sokka’s heart.  _ I love you, Sokka, I love you so much. I want to be with you, I love you.  _ He thinks, feeling safe and warm. “Would you be willing to eat the rest of your soup before it gets cold? You still need to eat, please Zuko.” He feels one of Sokka’s thumbs brush gently across his cheek, wiping away the tears.

Zuko nods as the bowl is pressed into his hands, going back to slowly eating it. “Remember, Zuko, you’re probably going to throw this up because of how long you’ve gone without eating. Don’t be ashamed when that happens, alright? I’ll be right here with you, you can eat again tomorrow morning and after we’ll write to the hospital. Does that sound okay to you.” Zuko nods, shuttering a little at the thought of throwing up. He had always hated the sensation, but Sokka would be with him, it may be less bad.

Sokka rubs Zuko’s back as he finishes the noodle soup, putting the bowl back on the floor when he finishes, feeling sick. “Sokka…can I lay down, I feel bad. I don’t wanna force myself to throw up, I might not have to. Please can I lay down.” He whispers, looking up at Sokka who just looks sad. “Do whatever you need, Zuko. I’ll stay right here with you.” It kind of sounds like Sokka would refuse to leave Zuko for the next several days even if he asked.

Zuko lays down, resting his head on Sokka’s lap, a wave of exhaustion coming over him. “Are we still friends, Sokka? You don’t hate me?” Zuko asks in a high, winey, tired voice. He feels Sokka brush his greasy hair from his face gently. “No Zuko, I don’t hate you, we’re still friends. Having this infatuation with me isn’t healthy for either of us. From what it seems like it may have started with a normal, innocent crush on me and when you connected me with safety it became an obsession. I do love you Zuko, I love you a lot. You’re so important to me, I’m not leaving you behind because you kissed me. You just need help and support, okay?”

Zuko nods, letting out a soft whimper.  _ It isn’t just some weird obsession, Sokka. I love you. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you and I don’t think I ever will. I love you, don’t leave me, I love you. _ Are his last thoughts before he drifts off into a deep sleep.

Hours later, Zuko slowly starts to pull himself up, whimpering and clawing at his chest as nausea creeps up his body, head spinning. He feels someone shift under him, sitting up from the bed, groaning with exhaustion. Zuko flinches a little when the figure moves, momentarily forgetting that it was only Sokka. Someone who was safe, someone who wouldn’t demand he exchange his body for affection and their presence, someone who cared about him. 

“Zuko, are you going to throw up?” He asks, putting an arm around Zuko’s back and under his arms to steady him. Zuko nods, letting out another whimper, heart beating too fast, nausea choking him.

He feels Sokka help him off the bed, sitting him on the floor, moving metal objects around. “Here is a bucket and a few candles, you might want to light them to see what you’re doing, alright?” Zuko nods, doing so with trembling hands, dread filling him with the thought of having to throw up, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks.

He feels a hand rubbing his back, shushing him gently. “Hey, Zu, the faster you get this over with the sooner you can drink some water and go to bed. Okay? It’s gonna be alright, you’re going to feel better after this. No one likes throwing up, you’re okay. I’m right here with you.” Zuko nods, letting out another small whimper, getting into a kneeling position and holding Sokka’s hand tight in his own before letting the nausea take over. It hurt a lot considering he hadn’t eaten in so long, his body was weak and he was mostly vomiting bile which burned. He mostly ended up crying and scratching at himself with his free hand as Sokka rubbed his back.

When he finished, he curled up on the cold floor, crying quietly, gripping Sokka’s hand tight, and trembling. He feels Sokka pull him to his chest, rocking him gently in his arms. “It’s alright, Zuko, the worst is over, it’s over. You’re gonna start getting better, alright?” 

“Th-thank you Sokka, for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you, you didn’t have to do anything, you didn’t have to come, thank you.” He whimpers against his chest. 

Sokka helps him stand up a little, resting him on the bed, letting go of him and handing him a cup of water. “Hey Zuko, you drink some water and lay down, I’ll be right back. I’m not leaving you, I promise, I’ll be back, just lay down.” Zuko nods, reluctantly watching Sokka pick up the bucket and walk out of the room. He knows that if Sokka stayed after Zuko kissed him, completely broke down, offered to let Sokka fuck him, and threw up after not eating for days in front of Sokka, he wasn’t going to leave now, but it just felt like Sokka had walked out and simply wouldn’t come back. 

Zuko sips from the cup that Sokka had given him, trembling still, not bothering to wipe the tears from his eyes, still whimpering as he does. All that comes to his head is that Sokka won’t come back, he was finally able to get away. Zuko is nothing but a burden, he had accidentally summoned Sokka and had been so kind and Zuko had done nothing but worry and disgust him. Zuko is disgusting in every sense of the word. He hasn’t bathed in days, his hair is greasy and he smells bad, just too exhausted, devastated, and humiliated to do so. He’s a disgusting person, he had basically forced Sokka to come here from the Earth Kingdom where he was happy with his girlfriend. Then Zuko had just told Sokka that he wasn’t real, confessed his love and kissed him and then proceeded to break down and sleep for the next several hours, dragging Sokka down with him. 

Zuko sees the door open, head lifting as he lets out a breath of relief. “You came back.” He breaths, setting the empty cup down, looking desperately at Sokka.

Sokka lays down on the bed next to Zuko, pulling him into his arms. “Of course I came back, Zuko. I promised you that I would. I know that a lot of people have left you, but that isn’t going to happen anymore. You’re loved and you're safe. You have real friends now, you aren’t alone anymore.” 

Zuko wants to say something but he lets out a small sob instead, burying his face in Sokka’s chest. He feels so safe and warm in Sokka’s arms. He feels like no one could hurt him like this now, like Sokka could protect him just by being there. 

Zuko slowly drifts off to sleep, matching his breath to Sokka’s as they both drift off. It’s a rare night that he isn’t plagued with nightmares filled with pain and abandonment. It’s even rarer that he has nice dreams opposed to just none. His dream is just simply about laying on Sokka’s chest in a field, warm sun over them, Sokka humming softly under him, running his fingers through Zuko’s hair. He would be able to live on the happiness this dream brought him for months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make it very clear that Zuko's crush on Sokka is not romantic, it is very unhealthy and dependent. Also, Sokka is less freaked out by it and is more just worried about his sick friend.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been awhile since the last update but this is a particularly long one. I have started school again and have a lot of work especially for the most disgusting class of all: chemistry   
> I will be switching between writing for this fic and my other one when I have the time to work on a chapter. I'm not going to create an update schedule unless people want on because I think the most effective way is for me to post it as soon as I finish a chapter written with the time I have found.

Zuko feels something warm, soft yet firm, and slowly rising and falling under him. He feels safe and warm there. He feels arms wrapped around his waist, holding him close, but not too tight. He isn’t being possessed by them, he is simply being held, likely against someone’s warm chest, rising and falling with even breaths. Zuko inhales deeply, smiling at the scent of salt, jasmine, komodo chicken, and sandalwood.  _ Sokka.  _ He thinks, smiling and humming a little. He had forgotten that Sokka is here, holding him close, protecting him, making him feel loved despite everything that Zuko had done. Sokka stayed despite everything. Sokka does love him even if it isn’t in the way Zuko desperately wants him to. Maybe if Zuko is really only sick and not broken and is able to recover and things don’t work out between Sokka and Suki…they would have a chance maybe? Those are a lot of ifs, ones that Zuko doesn’t think will happen. He has been like this for so long, it has just recently been getting worse and Sokka and Suki are a wonderful couple. He could still live moments of that fantasy while half asleep on top of the man of his dreams.

Zuko shifts his head so he can look at Sokka’s sleeping face. He looks so peaceful, so calm and intelligent. So beautiful. Zuko smiles, resting his head back on Sokka’s chest, savoring every moment he could have like this. He knows that this wouldn’t last for long. He needs to remember this moment perfectly for when he needs the memory, when pushed into the darkest corners of his mind. 

The way that Sokka inhales for three seconds, holding his breath for one second, exhaling for 3 and a half seconds, and holding his breath before inhaling again for 2. The way that the hand on the bottom is loosely gripping Zuko’s shirt and then top has a finger gently pressing just to the left of Zuko’s spine. The way that Sokka is silent when inhaling and hums a little when exhaling. The slow, steady rhythm of Sokka’s heartbeat consoling Zuko’s anxieties, beginning to lull him back into an easy sleep.

He doesn’t want to fall back asleep, he wants to stay awake where he is laying on Sokka. Where he can remember and appreciate this moment. Where he can pretend that Sokka loves him as more than just a friend. Zuko rests his hand on Sokka’s chest, feeling himself being pulled down into a gentle sleep.

Zuko is pulled into consciousness again by the feeling of fingers softly dancing over his back. Softly and slowly running up and down along his spine. Quiet humming vibrating through his body in a peaceful and meditative way. 

His eyes flutter open and he sees Sokka’s face in a gentle expression, smiling sleepily, eyes trained on Zuko’s face. “Morning jerkbender. Feeling better today?” Sokka asks as he moves his free hand to touch Zuko’s cheek with his finger tips impossibly gently. 

Zuko nods, nestling his head closer to Sokka. He wants to be closer to the man who had offered him so much kindness after what Zuko had done. Not just tonight, but throughout his life. “Thank you, Sokka. For everything…I really don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t come when you did. Thank you for your kindness and patients.”

“Of course, Zuko. My friend needed me, I’m not just going to let you suffer. I was hoping that this morning you would be willing to eat and bathe before we write the letter to the hospital. No offense, but your hair is pretty gross. You also just need to eat soon or you’ll have a repeat of last night and I’m sure you don’t want that.”

Zuko shakes his head, swallowing. Vomiting had never hurt that much before as it had last night. It has burned and clawed its way through his stomach, chest, and throat in a way that Zuko was sure that he would have screamed if he could. He was sure he was going to vomit up shards of glass from how much it felt like it was tearing him apart. “Can we eat first? Also, I was wondering if after we write the letter if you would want to go into the city with me. I would be getting outside and seeing people like you wanted me to. Also there’s a lot of vendors that I think you would like.”

This would kind of allow Zuko to live out the day he wanted to spend with Sokka. Not as lovers but as friends. A relationship that Sokka had been willing to extend to him after everything Zuko had done. He also just really thinks that Sokka would enjoy it, he’s a big fan of trying new things and shopping. Both of these things Zuko could accommodate. He just wants to see Sokka smile and spend time in his warmth and safety.

Sokka’s face lights up. “That sounds wonderful! I haven’t really had any time to spend in Caldera City in leisure. The first time was during a war, the other times were about work. You can show me all of the nicest places in the city and all of the tastiest food.”

Zuko feels more of the ice in his heart melt with the way that Sokka spoke and looked at him. The ice around his heart wasn’t there out of cruelty, it simply made it so it was difficult for anything to get in or out. Anything that managed to died when reaching the other side, freezing to death. It made it so he could barely feel anything, it was something the creature put in his chest so that Zuko couldn’t fight it off when it wanted to feed on what he had left in his chest. Always dwindling on empty. It made it so his heart didn’t beat properly. It made it so it hurt to feel. 

Sokka sits up, stretching and yawning. Zuko groans, immediately missing Sokka’s warmth and comfort. It’s ridiculously hot in the Fire Nation, but the warmth that Zuko craves, the warmth that is so hard to find, isn’t physical. It’s ironic that he’s living in the hottest part of the world, is a Fire Bender who is able to regulate his body temperature but can’t get warm. He wants to melt the ice around his heart and even if he were to burn his body to nothing but ash, that ice would still be there. Fire, no matter how hot, doesn’t melt the ice of despair and isolation. 

“Come on, Zuko, what do you want to eat? I’ll go ask someone outside. All I know is that the Fire Nation makes damn good seafood noodle soup. I don’t care if it isn’t traditionally a breakfast food, it’s delicious.” Sokka says with enthusiasm, grinning wildly.

Zuko chuckles quietly at his antics. “I’ll have it too, probably good for me to eat something with a lot of broth in it considering I decided to not eat for so long.”

Sokka nods once before jumping out of bed and racing towards the door. Sokka always hated getting up in the morning, but if there was a promise of food, that changed fast. Zuko smiles warmly as Sokka sprints out the door to find someone. He wouldn’t ever push the boundaries of Sokka’s space and comfort again like he had last night. He didn’t want to make the feeling of certain touch gut wrenching to Sokka like it is to Zuko. Not make him have nightmares out of touch that could be gentle and loving and is now just a promise of pain, regret, and humiliation. 

He sits up, rubbing his eyes and yawning a little before sitting on the floor, relighting the candles from last night that Sokka had set up. He closes his eyes and sits in his meditative position, beginning to feel for the flames both inside and out his body. Reaching them with his mind, presence, and energy. Stoaking them and bringing these flames to greater strength and power. Bringing them under better control. Bringing them into his understanding and strength.

Zuko feels anxiety and fear begin to trickle from his body with his breath, tension leaving his muscles, dread leaving his heart no matter how hard it is for anything to get out of the wall around his heart. The mix of Sokka’s warmth and Zuko’s strength, it finds any and every weak point in the wall, struggling out and leaving his body. 

He isn’t sure how long he stays in this position, all he knows is that he feels so much better with every passing moment. His growling stomach is what pulls him out of his state as he smells food in his vicinity. 

Zuko cracks his eyes open, glaring but smiling at Sokka as he catches him red handed taking a shrimp out of the bowl that Zuko assumes if for him as Sokka is holding the other one. Sokka doesn’t even have the decency to look guilty, he just looks Zuko in the eyes and pops the ship into his mouth. “Get fucked, sifu hotman.”

“I thought you were the one who was begging me to eat, now you’re stealing my food? Pick a narrative and stick to it.” Zuko grumbles, picking up his chopsticks and begins to slowly eat his soup. It’s incredibly good. Sokka just grins at him and continues eating.

“Sokka, there is a palace bath house if you want to bathe as well.” Zuko begins, realizing Sokka might think Zuko is just trying to see him naked. “I-I’m not trying to hit on you or try anything, I’m so, so sorry about last night, It will never happen again. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know that you're happy with Suki. I would never want to come between that. I think you’re right about the fact that this started off as a normal crush and got out of control with the fact you make me feel safe and I’m scared all the time. I’m so, so sorry Sokka.” He says quickly, hoping Sokka wouldn’t leave out of anger and disgust. 

Sokka laughs, still grinning. “Hey, I told you it’s alright, Zuko. You weren’t in your right mind. Also, it was just a kiss. You didn’t grab me, you didn’t hurt me. It was only a kiss. I trust you when you say you won’t do it again. I want you to know I’m really not upset with you, Zuko. You were upset and delusional and it was only a kiss, you didn’t hurt me. Suki will understand, she’ll probably think it’s funny. I’ll tell her you don’t think it’s funny though and to not make fun of you, though.” Sokka slurps up more of his noodles joyfully.

Zuko feels his heart stop for a moment, dread filling him. “Y-you said you wouldn’t tell anyone. I’m so sorry, Sokka. Please, I–” He cuts himself off, burying his face in his knees. Suki would be furious, she might not want Sokka to see Zuko anymore even as friends. It’s totally understandable that she would do that, Zuko just has a way of breaking everything he touches. Suki is smart, she’d know that eventually Zuko would destroy their relationship if left unchecked. He’a going to lose Sokka as a friend as well just because he’s stupid and impulsive and–

He feels Sokka wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close. “Zuko, I know that you’ve dealt with a lot of cruelty and abandonment in your life and that’s over. I’m not going to abandon you and Suki isn’t going to be mean to you. The reason I’m telling her isn’t to spite you. It’s because if I tell her what happened as soon as I see her next, it comes across as what it was, an accident that won’t happen again. That the reason I didn’t get mad at you or react badly was because you were breaking down and delusional and had no malintention. That I wasn’t cheating on her with you. It’s the kind of thing that if she were to ever find out from a third party it may sound like I had something to hide which I don’t. She won’t be angry, Zuko, I promise.”

Zuko lets out a small whimper, resting his head on Sokka’s shoulder. “I trust you.” He mumbles, inhaling shakily. “Please don’t tell anyone else, really. I already feel so fucking stupid and humiliated and I can’t imagine how you feel. I promise that when I find someone to talk to I’ll also bring up my crush on you and that it’s out of control and just all around bad. I love you Sokka, I really do. I do have to say that I’m lucky that it was you and Katara who found Aang. We would have never met. After Toph, you’re my closest friend. No offense to you, but she’d break my arm and call it bone bending if I called someone besides her my best friend. Also me and her are just really close.”

He hears Sokka laugh, pulling him a little closer. “Yeah, I can see her doing that. You two  _ have _ gotten really close. I think it’s good for you guys to be such good friends.” Zuko nods in agreement, wondering if Toph had felt this horrible and humiliated after kissing him. Maybe she had been too filled with anger to feel shame. Zuko misses anger, it tamps down these other emotions. However, Zuko can’t control anger like he needs to. 

He feels Sokka pull away from him and Zuko reluctantly lets go, biting his lip. “I love you, too, Zuko. You’ve been a good friend to me for a while. Finish your soup and then we’ll get cleaned up, write the letter, and then we can go into the city.” Zuko nods in response, smiling weakly as he begins eating his soup again.

Zuko finishes as much as he can eat about ten minutes after Sokka finishes his bowl, he hands the rest to Sokka who quickly eats the rest in a matter of minutes. Zuko just smiles at him, enjoying watching Sokka eat. Enjoying watching him in his love of food. Just enjoying Sokka’s easy, safe, and warm company.  _ I love you, Sokka. I love you so much. I would do anything for you, let you do anything you wanted to me if it made you happy. No matter how much it hurt. I love you.  _ Zuko doesn’t even process that  _ that  _ is the kind of thought process that Sokka is most concerned about in Zuko’s crush. 

Sokka jumps up, both empty bowls in hand. “Okay, I have never taken a royal bath before and I have to say I’m excited. Can you grab a change of my clothes over there?” He asks, gesturing to a bag by the bed Zuko hadn’t noticed until now. “It’s all pretty much the same and I kinda keep each outfit all tied up in a messy ball so it’s easy to grab when I need to change. It’s handy and it drives Katara up the wall, so win win.” 

Zuko smiles warmly at Sokka, more ice melting from his heart, falling impossibly more in love with the man in front of him as he walks over to the bag and grabs one of the blue balls of haphazard clothing. He walks over to the closet in his room, taking out a more casual set of clothes for himself before walking back over to Sokka, smiling. 

They begin walking down the hallway, heading towards the kitchen, Zuko insisting they bring the bowls back themselves. The kitchen isn’t terribly far away from the large bath room, they’re both on the same floor. Zuko mostly wants to do so because he doesn’t think he can stomach asking any of the servants for anything unless absolutely necessary. This isn’t necessary. He is still absolutely humiliated that he broke down in the hallway in Reji’s arms. He still can’t speak to any of them, can’t face them, can’t be reminded of what he had done. He would only be able to speak to those who he had considers friends who he knows barely tolerate him. That’s only a few people in the entire palace once Sokka leaves. 

Far too soon they run into a servant woman, looking nervously as Zuko who looks down at the ground, hoping that his isn't visibly tensing. “My lord, may I take those for you?” She asks, gesturing to the bowls in Sokka’s hands, nervously extending her own.

Sokka grins, handing them to her. “Thank you, ma’am.” The woman bows in response, hurrying away. Sokka wraps an arm around Zuko’s shoulders and he gratefully leans into Sokka’s warmth, smiling as they walk. “Everyone all of a sudden seems so skittish, they weren’t when I was here earlier.” He comments, a servant who clearly heard that hurries away from the two. 

Zuko feels his heart sink further, ice beginning to coat it again, the creature stirring. “They’re scared of me, Sokka.” Zuko whimpers, turning his head into Sokka’s neck, gripping the clothes to his chest with one arm and holding Sokka’s free hand with the other. “It’s been months and so many people think I’m still going to hurt them from existing. I just don’t want to be me anymore.” The last part comes out unintentionally. He didn’t mean to say that, he shouldn’t have said that.

Sokka stops walking and due to how tanged in Sokka’s limbs Zuko is, he stops too. Opposed to saying anything, he feels Sokka wrap one arm sound Zuko’s back and the other under his knees, lifting him far too easily. Sokka has gotten stronger, he can feel the muscle definition in his arms under his shirt. It’s probably also due to the fact that Zuko has all but completely stopped eating since he had become the Fire Lord. He knows he has lost a lot of weight…but he can’t have lost too much, Sokka must have just become  _ much  _ stronger to carry him this easily.

He comes back to the present when they are greeted by warm steam, he smiles a little, not moving away from Sokka. Sokka walks a few more steps before setting Zuko down on the ground. “Zuko, I want you to strip down to your underwear before you get into the bath. You’re too light, I need to see you, I’m worried.”

Zuko glances up at Sokka’s face nervously, tugging at his robes with shaking hands. “Promise you won’t make fun of me?” He whispers, biting his lip hard enough to taste blood.

Sokka kneels in front of him, a pained look in his beautiful eyes. Eyes that should never have to be clouded by something as dismal as what is in them. Something that Zuko causes to come over people so often. He hates himself for it. “Part of me wants to know why you would think I would make fun of your body but I’m sure it’s some horrible story you’ll try and justify. I won’t make fun of you, Zuko. I’m just worried. You felt too light, I’m worried about your weight, that’s all.”

Zuko nods, unsure if this was any particular moment that caused that anxiety or just the comments and looks he got all the time. He pulls off the pants under his robes first before removing his robe covering most of him, casting both aside. He had a lot of fantasies about him and Sokka together, however they were never naked. He wanted it to be gentle and loving. Soft kisses and warm embraces. Nothing pushing too far. Zuko used to not mind being shirtless around people, but that was before he had stopped eating. Whenever a situation presented itself as at all romantic, he would want to be fully clothed. Not even shoes off. 

He feels a hand pressing against his bare stomach, moving up towards his chest and Zuko frantically grabs the wrist attached to the hand wildly, yelping. He had momentarily forgotten that it is only Sokka. The safest person that he knows. He feels his heart pounding in his chest and hears his breath coming too hard and too fast. The memories of too many unwanted hands traveling over his body haunting him. Hands demanding more than Zuko had to give and somehow managed to take it, a shred of his soul along with it. 

“Hey, Zuko, are you alright? Did I scare you?” He hears Sokka ask distantly.

Zuko snaps his eyes back to meet Sokka’s. “You’ve seen what you wanted. Can we get into the water? I want to wash my hair. I feel gross.” He mumbles probably a bit too quickly, looking at the foaming water that he wants to soak in, let tension leave his body. 

Sokka pulls his hand from Zuko’s loosening grip, giving him a small smile. “Of course, I’m sorry if I scared you.” Zuko nods once, slipping into the warm, foaming water, staying in his underwear, deciding he didn’t want to be fully naked in the bath with Sokka no matter how large it is. He slips further beneath the water, hidden under its opaque bubbles. He hears a splash and sees Sokka slapping at the bubbles on the water, grinning wildly. Zuko can't help but to smile as he feels tension leaving his body from the heated water.

Zuko picks up a bar of soap and begins rubbing it between his hands, getting them covered in suds before rubbing it into his greasy hair, almost instantly feeling better and cleaner. “Thank you for coming Sokka, I feel so much better. I really don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t come here. Thank you.” He hands the bar to Sokka, smiling softly.

Sokka takes it, sniffing it and grinning. “What is this? It smells really floral. I didn’t know royals had scented soap. I might have to just move in here for the bath. I love this.” Eyes wide with excitement.

Zuko feels warmth in his heart, ice melting a little more around it. “It’s fire lily, they’re my favorite flower.” Zuko replies quietly before dunking his head under the water, washing the soap out of his hair. When he comes back up to wash the rest of his body he is greeted by the sight of Sokka gleefully lathering soap on his body, sniffing himself. 

Zuko takes some more and begins to rub it under his arms in particular. “I can send some bars of scented soap back with you if you would like. We have jasmine, sandalwood, lavender, and orange as well. You already kinda smell like sandalwood and it suits you.” Zuko realizes that that sounds pretty creepy. “Not that I’m going out of my way to smell you, I just noticed last night, I’m sorry.” He tries to quickly correct, face heating up in embarrassment at what he had just said. He really doesn’t understand how Sokka hasn’t stormed out of the palace in disgust yet. Zuko really hasn’t kept his cool.

Sokka just smiles, dunking under the water. Zuko hurries through the rest of his bath, climbing out and drying himself off. He gets fully dressed before Sokka is even out of the water. Zuko turns around so that Sokka can get dressed in relative privacy.

He feels Sokka touch his shoulder. “You ready to write that letter, Zuko? Then we can go into the city. I’m excited.” Zuko feels the tension leave his body at how casually Sokka talks to him. They begin to walk back up towards Zuko’s room so that they can get this over with.

“Was that one of your fantasies, Zuko?” Sokka jokes, Zuko responds by punching Sokka hard in the arm. “First of all, no. Second of all, I’m not ready to joke about it. Maybe next time after I’ve talked to whoever I end up reaching and after I’ve had some time to get over how embarrassed I am over this. You and Toph can have a field day mocking me for being stupid and sappy. I will however answer a few questions if you have any, considering I kissed you and cried myself to sleep in your arms last night.”

“Wait,  _ Toph  _ knew you had a crush on me? Has she made fun of you? Also, after this I’ll drop it, I promise, I’m just curious, what is your fantasy with me? I want to know what goes on in that dirty mind of yours.” Sokka asks, looking at him. There isn’t any weight to the question, it was pure, innocent curiosity. He  _ really  _ isn’t angry with Zuko. He isn’t going to leave him.

“Yeah, she found out after a whole lot of things that I don’t really want to talk about and I promised her I wouldn’t say lead to it. We were on her ship when she found out. You can talk to her about it when you see her next. Actually mostly what I would want with you is kinda what we’re going to do today, just go into the city, talk, I’d buy you food and watch you go shopping, just it would involve a few kisses. That’s mostly it.” Zuko wraps his arms around himself, feeling embarrassed and stupid, unsure why Sokka wanted to know any of this at all. He just wants to never speak of this again.

“Well I can provide all of that except for the kissing for obvious reasons. Seems like I’m the one who gets the most out of that. You’ll make a good boyfriend to someone at some point. Just promise me that you won’t start dating for a little bit. Considering the Southern Water Tribes were all really small, it’s much easier to notice when someone isn’t doing well as everyone knows everyone. Taking care of mental health is more important in my culture. General rule of thumb is to just not get too romantically involved with people when you’re at a low point. In the Water Tribe, people were more just worried about it making so you couldn’t properly take care of your own mental health and the relationship just ended badly. For you, I’m worried that someone will take advantage of you…from what it sounds like, people already have. Please just be careful. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re kind and crave affection and someone will exploit those. Other people  _ will _ treat you right, I’m not the exception. You said that a big reason why you had a crush on me was because I wouldn’t hurt you and would be kind to you. If it helps you find someone who is good to you, I won’t be upset or find it creepy if you try and think if I would do it to you. Your rule of thumb should be ‘if Sokka wouldn’t do this to me if we were romantically involved, they shouldn’t be doing this to me’, alright?”

Zuko looks at Sokka, feeling tears welling in his eyes, flinging his arms around him once they get into Zuko’s room. He buries his face in Sokka’s chest, crying quietly. No one, not even uncle, has cared about him like this before. Spirits, he’s never going to find someone as amazing as Sokka. He’s never going to be able to move on from this feeling. Sokka cares for him so deeply. Sokka wants him to be  _ happy,  _ he wants him to be  _ safe.  _ Words that had long since lost all meaning to Zuko. “I love you.” He whimpers.  _ I want  _ you.  _ You’re the person who would treat me well, who would make me feel loved and perfect.  _

“Hey, hey, it’s all right, Zuko. It’s really alright. This will pass, you’re going through a lot right now. I’m sure that next time I see you, this crush will just be the fact that I’m irresistibly handsome and not some fucked up thinking that I’m the only one in the world who will treat you right.”  _ I hope you’re right, I really hope that you’re right. I need you to be right. I need you to be right so bad. I can’t bear anymore cruelty.  _

Sokka pulls away, looking into Zuko’s eyes. “Come on, let’s write that letter. You need some help. I want you to feel better, to believe that you’re worthy of love and happiness. I hope you know you have a lot of friends who love you. It sounds like Toph has a very tenacious way of showing that, but she just wants you to be happy. You’re gonna be okay. Alright, buddy?” 

Zuko nods, swallowing as he picks us a sheet of paper and the brush from his desk, he takes a deep breath and begins to write a draft. Sokka mentions several things that Zuko wouldn’t have thought to mention in the letter and many more things he doesn’t think are important. However, if they are important to Sokka they are important to Zuko.

Finally, after about an hour of work they have a letter that Sokka deems acceptable and is ready to be sent. Not great, but acceptable. He does insist that he wants to watch Zuko send it, clearly not trusting Zuko to do so himself. He may act like a dumbass most of the time but he is a bonafide genius.

**Dear sir or madam,**

**I have had a severe deterioration of my mental wellbeing over the past several months. It’s constant feelings of hopelessness, fear, worthlessness, and thoughts of self harm. I want to be able to be a good leader and I don’t think I’ll be able to if this continues to get worse. I would be willing to pay whatever amount to anyone who would be willing to come to the palace and help. I know that me not being in the hospital and being the Fire Lord puts me in the position to react poorly to what someone were to say to me. I won’t do anything to anyone if I don’t like what they have to say about my health. I’ll say, do, or sign whatever they would like to put that worry at ease. I just want to get better. I will be most grateful for anyone willing to provide any assistance.**

**Thank you,**

**Fire Lord Zuko**

Zuko swallows, doubting anyone would be willing to come. It would be so easy for him to get angry at something someone said about him. So easy to banish, imprison, or execute them on any terms he chose.  _ Also they’re going to know you’re crazy. You’re beyond help. You’re a waste of time, a lost cause. No one will and no one can help you. Save everyone and yourself the trouble and kill yourself. End it all. _

“Zuko?” He jerks back from his thoughts, Sokka’s eyes level with his, looking concerned. “Hey, are you alright?” Zuko feels a thumb brushing against his cheek.  _ Sokka’s wiping away a tear, you’re fucking crying again.  _

“I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry, we can send it. I wanna go outside. Please I just need to send this and not think about it. Listening to you just tell me about anything you’ve been doing will help. You make things better. I don’t want to talk about why I’m upset right now, please Sokka.” Zuko whispers, taking Sokka’s hand in his own.

Sokka stands up, gently tugging on his arm. “Come on, I’ll send this and I’ll tell you about the time Suki chased me up a tree and didn’t let me come down to eat food.”

Zuko smiles, feeling relieved as he stands, the two beginning to walk to send the letter. “She kept you from food? That must have put a strain on your relationship. Some real torture there for you.” Zuko feels like a breath that wasn’t being held in his lungs is released, beginning to more at homeostasis.

Sokka takes the letter from Zuko, putting it in the pouch of a messenger hawk and sending it off. “Yeah, if she does it again I don’t know what it will do to our relationship. I’ll come back to the Fire Nation in tears and demand to be fed if it happens again.” He grabs Zuko’s hand again and begins to hurry down the hall towards the front entrance.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened that led to this or are you just gonna let me draw my own conclusions?” Zuko asks, not even able to feel the ice around his heart and forgetting that the creature in his chest even existed. As if it went into hibernation with the warmth in his chest. 

The two of them step outside, Zuko lets go of Sokka’s hand for a minute, turning his face up to the sun, closing his eyes and smiling. He hadn’t been outside in almost a week. He had missed the warm touch of Agni, the soft breeze filled with the soft scent of salt, flowers, and cooking food. He exhales, slowly, feeling so much better. He’s outside, he doesn't hate himself for a moment, he’s with Sokka, things may be alright at some point.

He opens his eyes and looks back at Sokka who is standing at the bottom of the steps, looking at him warmly. He seems happy that Zuko is just enjoying himself and isn’t curled up in his bed feeling sorry for himself. He looks over to his right and sees the palanquin bearers finishing hiding what they had been doing. Nothing sinister, just cards and books, but things that his father had prohibited them to pass the time with while waiting for whatever they may be demanded to do at any given moment. He really hopes that he can dispel the fear that is so heavily laden in the palace. 

Zuko begins to walk down the stairs as they begin to walk towards Zuko, looking nervous. No, downright terrified. No one had seen him and days, he had been locked in his room after a horrible fit and no one knew what to expect from him now. “It’s alright, lord jerkbender and I are just heading into the city.” Sokka says loudly at the palanquin bearers, grinning like an idiot. Agni, Zuko is in love with him.

“It isn’t the right of any member of the royal family to walk anywhere, especially on palace grounds. At least allow us to take you to the palace gates.” One of them says nervously.

Zuko stands next to Sokka, shaking his head gently. “It’s alright. Also, you guys can do whatever you want while you aren’t…ya know…bearing the palanquin.” Zuko says awkwardly, seeing Sokka shaking his head in the corner of his eye. “I’m not my father, I don’t care if you read or socialize as long as no ones getting hurt. I won’t hurt you.” He almost whispers, looking at the ground, feeling like there are too many eyes on him, penning him in. 

As if Sokka can feel that, Zuko feels his hands move him away, leading him towards the doors. “Thank you, my lord.” He hears one of the people say, bowing before Sokka fully turns him around walking towards the front gate. “You said you were going to tell me about how Suki trapped and starved you?” He asks as they reach the gates.

“Oh, yeah, so she really likes these nomads that I was stuck in a cave with and had to listen to their music. Like, she knows all of the words to this song ‘secret tunnel’ and that’s the song that they wouldn’t stop singing while we were in this fucking tunnel. Suki wouldn’t stop singing that song so I told her that I challenged her to a duel and if I won she wasn’t allowed to sing that song ever again. She walked up to me, poked my eye, took my boomerang and then chased me, yelling at me that she was going to cut off my wolf tail. She meant it! I can’t lose my wolf tail, it’s what makes me so handsome. It would destroy my look, wouldn’t it Zuko?”

Zuko grins as Sokka wraps an arm around Zuko’s shoulder. “Okay, I would be devastated if she took your wolf tail. But hey, I’d still love you even if she shaved you.” He mumbles against Sokka’s shoulder. Feeling light, unburdened, happy. 

Sokka laughs, shaking him gently. “I’ll tell her that. I’ll also tell her she better start treating me better because she has some competition who ain’t too shabby himself. But yeah, after she chased me up a tree I expected that to be over because she’s a better climber and I was being stupid for a moment.”

“You don’t have stupid moments, you have a stupid existance and then have genious moment in between that, get it right.” Zuko jokes, feeling like he had before he was crowned. When he was able to have friends, learn to trust and love again. 

Sokka scoffs, looking deeply offended. “Wow, nevermind, Suki doesn’t have competition. I’ll just leave her for Toph and get rocks thrown at me everyday. At least that’s her way of showing affection and not just to break me down. But more importantly, she set up camp and began to start a fire and cook. She was cooking delicious smelling sausages, an all meat dinner, no vegetables. I thought they were peace sausages, but no, they were  _ war  _ sausages. She hit me with a stick every time I tried to come down. She ate all of the sausages in front of me, Zuko. You have to get justice for me. You’re the Fire Lord!”

Zuko can’t help but to laugh at Sokka getting more and more worked up over this story. Of course this was the kind of fight that Sokka and Suki would have. Suki depriving him of meat. It also feels good that Sokka is so casually joking about Zuko’s crush. He’s talking about it like it is a normal thing and not like it is something disgusting and shameful. Somehow, it doesn’t make Zuko start thinking about how maybe if he plays his cards right and if things don’t work out with Suki he may have a chance with Sokka. It makes him think about the fact that he doesn’t have to hide anything from Sokka. That he’ll accept Zuko no matter what. 

“Well, at some point maybe you and Suki can come to the Fire Nation or I can come to the Earth Kingdom when you’re going to be in one place for awhile. I can tell Suki that there are many things that may be argued about in a relationship, but depriving you of food, especially meat, is a war crime. I almost have the gay marrage ban completely lifted, I can start pushing through Sokka’s law after. ‘It is hereby a capital crime to deprive Sokka of the Water Tribe from food in any situation’. You have to be in the Fire Nation though, I can’t make rules in the Earth Kingdom.”

Sokka punches him lightly, grinning as they make it into the streets of the city, streets filled with people and wonderful smells surrounding them. “Hey, you can start on that law right now by buying me meat right now, that looks good.” Sokka grabbed Zuko’s hand, pulling him towards a vendor at top speed, avoiding the people around them as best they could. It’s hippo-ox tail skewers, they are good but Zuko can’t really eat anymore for now. He recently ate breakfast and isn’t used to eating regularly anymore. 

Sokka insists that Zuko get one too so Zuko does by two. He slowly eats his as the two of them walk, switching Sokka’s empty stick for Zuko’s almost complete skewer in their hands when Sokka is busy telling Zuko about how he still isn’t fond of the new boomerang that he got after he lost his first one. He likes it, it just isn't the same. 

They walk around the city for the rest of the day in this fashion. Zuko ends up eating more that day than he has in one day sense…Ba Sing Se when uncle and Toph were breathing down his neck about taking care of himself. He buys Sokka fire gummies, smoked sea slug, sizzle crisps, roast duck, dumplings, and mochi. They did spend about an hour in a weapons shop and Zuko tried to get Sokka a new boomerang that he might like more, but they didn’t find anything that he really loved. Zuko would have to try harder next time. 

When they return to the palace Zuko’s stomach is full and his heart is fuller. He hasn’t felt this good in so long. Maybe he is going to be okay. Maybe he isn’t beyond help. Maybe he can feel like this more often even when he isn’t with Sokka, Toph, or uncle. 

Neither of them even bother to change when they get back to Zuko’s room, they just curl up on Zuko’s bed, Sokka holding him close, and drift off. This day has memories that Zuko will be able to hold onto and draw warmth from for months to come. They can sustain him until he can feel alive again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this is the misadventures of Zuko and Toph and the past two chapters has been Zuko and Sokka. I like Zuko and Sokka vibing so that's why we're here. We will see Toph again in the next chapter and they will go back to using the worst braincell that they have. 
> 
> Also, someone had mentioned that they like Jet and Zuko vibing and there was really only implication that he died in Ba Sing Se. I was thinking that maybe he could be alive, I kinda actually like that the more I think about it. Anyone have a strong opinion either way? It holds no importance for the larger plot.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We brought our foster dog back today, Goose is going to a good home but I miss our sweet little menace man:(
> 
> I'm realizing that I am bringing in a lot of characters that weren't in the show. Would it be helpful for at some point in the near future (likely when I want to pretend like im being productive but not do anything that takes "thought") make kind of like glossary??? Is that what it would be called?? Ik absolutely nothing. But just kinda their names and a description on what they look like and who tf they are as we get new ones. It may also just be helpful for me bc I can't even remember my own name half the time.

Four days later, Zuko watches the airship taking Sokka back to the Earth Kingdom. Back to Suki. Away from Zuko. He watches the airship leave, forcing himself not to cry as it disappears from view. Tying to not convince himself that that wouldn’t be the last time he would ever see his beloved Sokka again. Fuck, that sounds so creepy. His beloved Sokka? He really needs to talk to someone about his infatuation with him. Sokka is right, it isn’t normal, and it isn’t healthy for either of them. However, Sokka did say he wouldn’t be upset if Zuko had a nice, normal crush on him. Where Zuko just thinks he’s attractive, funny, and kind. Not where he circulates so much of his safety and wellbeing around Sokka.

It’s only a little less than two months before Toph’s next visit. He can tell her about Sokka coming over. He would also tell her about the fact that he kissed Sokka. He would prevent her from telling anyone else about that by blackmailing her with the fact that she kissed him. He would have to ask her how she got over the guilt and humiliation of that.  _ She isn’t broken. She was able to get over it because she is whole. She tried to take something from someone who is less than her. You tried to take something from someone who stands above you in every way.  _ He hears his father’s voice say in his head. 

Zuko’s teeth sink into his lower lip, trying to bring him back into the physical present and away from his father. He turns from where he was watching Sokka disappear and begins to walk back towards the palace, eyes trained on the ground. The sky is empty…and is lower in the sky than it should be. How long had he been standing there?

The servants all glance at him nervously as he walks by and he wraps his arms around his stomach, feeling small and vulnerable. He feels like they could descend on him at any moment, destroying the last fragile shards that made up his soul. The last bits of him that hadn’t already been claimed by cruel and greedy hands. The last bits of him that had any value whatsoever. The last bits of him that he had to save. He had to keep those last parts of him alive, hidden, and safe. He couldn’t let anyone take and destroy them. The rest of him was already gone. He just has a few shards of his heart left constantly digging into him, hunting him. But they are real. They are alive.

_ You’re worthless. No one will ever find value in you. No one can. You have nothing left to give. They have nothing left to take. You don’t have enough of yourself to share with anyone. If you manage to find anything to give, you won’t be you anymore. You’ll just be the  _ thing _ everyone already knows you are.  _ Zuko lets out a small sob, covering his mouth with his hand, leaning against the wall in the hallway, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks.

_ Don’t break down, don’t break down, don’t break down. They saw you break down not too long ago, don’t do it again. Just breath, calm yourself down, get to your room. You can hold yourself together for ten minutes and get to your room.  _ He tells himself, breathing slowly, feeling his breaths, trying to calm himself down.

“My lord?” He hears someone behind him say and he jumps, yelping a little. He turns around, wiping at his eyes quickly, trying to compose himself even a little in front of the woman standing there. She is an older servant woman, she is about his height, dark hair with a few streaks of silver in it. She has a slightly concerned expression on her face, but there are wrinkles around her eyes that suggest she smiles a lot. She seems kind and gentle. He hasn’t seen her often before if at all. His memory hasn’t been particularly good lately, especially for people who he just kind of sees.

Her expression of concern flashes of fear for a moment before her eyes train on the ground. “I’m sorry for startling you, my lord. You haven’t seemed well for a long time. Are you alright?” 

Zuko wants to say yes, that he’s fine, that she doesn’t need to worry about him, that he can take care of himself and his country. Instead, he shakes his head, a new wave of sobs wracking through his body. He tries to keep himself quiet by covering his mouth with his hand, but that only does so much. 

He feels a gentle hand on his back, thumb gently rubbing in small circles. “Would you like to go somewhere else?” She asks him, Zuko nods, not caring where, just somewhere that isn’t in a hallway where anyone could see him. 

He feels her leading him somewhere, he has no idea where she is taking him, he just lets her lead him, hand resting on the middle of his back. “I-I’m sorry ma’am.” He whimpers, moving a little closer to her, gently gripping her upper arm, not wanting her to disappear. Not wanting to be alone again. He already feels his breaths evening as he’s held close to her and led somewhere safer that wasn’t lonesome. 

He barely pays attention to where they are going, but he knows that he’s being led to the kitchen. He’s then being led through them. The staff gives them nervous glances, and Zuko moves closer to the woman leading him, wanting to disappear. He doesn’t want to be a spectacle anymore. He doesn’t want to be hated and feared. He doesn’t want to be a thing. 

The woman stops walking, leading him over to the side of the room, helping him sit down on a bench. “Fire Lord Zuko, it’s alright, just breath, it’s alright.” He hears her say distantly. He looks around the room that he has been brought into. It is a smaller section of the kitchen with five other people in the room. He recognizes the youngest person in the room as Zeila. The woman who would seek him out and make sure he ate when he was falling apart. 

“What’s your name?” He finally asks when his breathing has regulated, tears aren’t falling anymore, and his heart rate is even. He tries to piece together what had just happened in his mind…he’s also pretty sure that more time has passed than he feels like it has. He’s pretty sure he stayed on the edge of the volcano for well over an hour after Sokka left even though it seemed like he left immediately…he just isn’t really sure of anything right now.

“My name is Ezami. Zelia has said that she has spent enough time with you to be certain that you have no cruelty or malice in your heart. For those of us who don’t really have too much to lose if that isn’t the case, wariness has turned to worry. You haven’t seemed well for a long time. You seem to improve when your friends have come to visit and then…return to how you were before. Are you alright, my lord?”

Zuko grips her hand tight in his, shaking his head. “N-no. I’m scared and sad all the time and I-I can hear my father’s voice i-in my head a-and he’s so angry a-all the time. H-he wants to h-hurt me more. He’s gonna hurt m-me. I-I don’t wa-want to be like this anymore.” He feels someone place a hand on his shoulder, and another place their hand on his upper back.

“My lord, we believe that you can lead our nation to a better future, that you can and want to think about the world outside of yourself. Something that those before you were unwilling to do. However, that isn’t something that you can do when you’re falling apart. What do you need? You seem to do better when you aren’t alone.” He hears Zelia say from his right. 

Zuko feels the tiniest bit of warmth shift in his chest.  _ They believe in me. They don’t think I’m worthless.  _ Zuko takes a slow, steady breath. “Please, just call me Zuko. I-I like it better in informal situations. I contacted the hospital that is treating my sister a few days ago. I hope that someone there can help me in any way. I also just don’t want everyone to be so scared of me. I won’t hurt anyone for just making a mistake. I just…I just don’t want to feel so isolated all the time. Makes it hurt less if I hide opposed to being isolated when surrounded by people.” 

He isn’t sure why he is being so open. He doesn’t really know anyone here besides Zelia and he didn’t even know her all that well. They could use this against him. They could break him down further so easily. They could spread how weak the Fire Lord had become. Zuko just wants to be loved, he just wants to be safe. Maybe there can be people at the palace who are his safe haven. He just wants someone to make him feel safe. He would do anything if it meant that these women would love and protect him, even if it was just a lie. As long as he could believe it and lie to himself, it would be better than nothing. Than what he is doing right now. Falling apart alone.

He feels something warm being pressed into his trembling hands. Zuko opens his eyes and looks at a steaming tea cup. He hadn’t seen any watering being boiled and he was sure he had only been sitting down for a minute. How long had it been since Sokka even left? 20 minutes? 3 hours? He didn’t know. He really didn't. This isn’t good, having lost all sense of time. Zuko ignores that, slowly raising the cup to his lips, sipping it. It’s lemongrass. It’s nice. It helps calm his nerves a little more. Help him bring himself back to something familiar.

“Zuko.” Ezami starts, giving him a kind smile. “How about you start by coming here when you want to eat, to talk to someone, or even just to not be alone. How about that? The others can get used to you. Would you like that?”

Zuko can’t help but to smile. He nods, he  _ really  _ wants that. “I would love that. I-I don’t know how to thank you for this. Please, tell me if there is anything now or in the future. Thank you.” He says softly, resting his forehead against Ezami's shoulder, unsure where this gesture of kindness had come from. He feels her hand rested gently against the back of his head, making him feel more secure. 

He pulls away after an unknown amount of time, he is just lost in her warmth and comfort. He feels better, feels warmer, feels safer. He pulls away, smiling softly at the people around him. “Thank you, so much. What are your names?” He asks, looking at the others in the room. He wants to know them. He wants to be around people who are willing to be around him. 

A petite woman with fully silver long hair bows to him with eyes so black that he can’t find where her pupils begin and her irises end. Her face is worn, wrinkled, and kind. “My name Ozana.” Her voice is hoarse and worn but holds only warmth and welcome. Zuko immediately feels safe with her. He takes another sip of his tea, it has gotten cold, he must have been leaning on Ezami’s shoulder for longer than he thought. “It's nice to meet you, Ozana.” He dips his head awkwardly, unable to properly bow in his hunched over sitting position. He breathes steam into his cup, warming it back up to a more pleasant temperature.

He turns to the woman next to Ozana. She has short, light brown hair all pulled up in a top knot. One of her eyes is the most common eye color in the Fire Nation, the color of honey, the same color as Zuko’s, his father’s, and many others who had harmed him. However, her other eye is milky and white.  _ Is she blind in that eye?  _ He wasn’t sure if that was appropriate to ask considering he barely knew her. She looks to be in her early 40s, but still one of the younger women in the group. She kind wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. “My name is Suli.” She says, her voice strong and deep, the kind of voice that could easily command an army and strike fear into the heart of the enemies. The kind of voice that could assert protection over those that she cared about, keeping those who may hurt them away. Zuko would love to be protected by someone like her. 

He turns to the last person in the room, the woman gently touching his upper back still, not letting him fall apart. She has long black hair but distinct, beautiful dark green eyes.  _ Maybe she has ancestry from the Earth Kingdom? _ He doesn’t have anything against that, he’s more just curious that that is not a common eye color in the Fire Nation. He can’t even begin to tell her age. She looks like she could be in her mid to late 30s, but also that she could easily be 50. He doubts it would be polite to ask. As he looks closer at her, he realizes that her pointer and middle fingers are missing from her left hand.  _ I’m sorry.  _ He thinks, certain that his family was directly responsible for that. It doesn’t look like an accident, it is a clean cut. She must see the guilt in his expression or feel it in his heart. She reaches her damaged hand forward and touches Zuko’s cheek gently, smiling at him.

“This is Syn. She made the tea.” Zelia says, looking at Zuko, he opens his mouth to ask why she had spoken for Syn before he realizes that he already knows and that he shoudn’t ask stupid questions. She had been silenced by someone. Likely his father or grandfather. Maybe someone else. Considering she is allowed to work in the palace kitchens, it was likely a punishment for someone else. Nothing that she did personally wrong. She just so happened to be close to someone who had.

Instead, Zuko meets her eyes, biting his cheek gently before speaking. “I’m sorry, Syn. Can you hear me? Do you know any sign language? I know a little, my hearing isn’t really good. My uncle learned some with me when I was first injured.” Zuko points to his burned ear, feeling stupid as he does as she can damn well see the scar taking up a third of his face. Syn nods, giving him a small smile. ‘You can practice with me, it will be nice to have someone else who can understand.’ She signs. Zuko bites his lip, looking away momentarily. ‘I would like that.’ 

He hadn’t been with these women too long, but he already feels so much better than he had earlier. He feels safe, happy, like things may be okay. Like  _ he _ may be okay. Like he could let people like this teach others that he wouldn’t hurt them…that he wouldn’t have to constantly be reminded that he is his father’s son. That he could start being a little better every day.

  
  


Over the next few weeks, Zuko’s mental health begins to improve slowly but consistently. He always starts his mornings in the back corner room of the kitchen with the older women who had taken him under his wing. He wouldn’t usually eat, eating in the morning has made him feel sick even before anxiety was constantly swirling in his stomach. He would, however, start his morning off with a cup of tea that Syn made (he would never say it allowed, only signing it in private to Syn, but her tea may be better than uncle’s) and would mostly listen to the women chat amongst themselves. They would occasionally ask him for his input in something mild such as meaning behind plays and what flowers looked best next to a metal gate. For the most part, he would just listen to them, he didn’t feel excluded from the conversation, he just simply wasn’t taking too much part in it. He was never particularly talkative in the mornings. Or ever.

At first, when people would come into the room Zuko was in with the women, they would jump and scurry away when they saw Zuko standing in the corner watching the women laugh and banter as they cooked and cleaned the foods that took days to prepare properly. They were the ones with the patients and skill to make them properly to palace standards apparently. Zuko found their cooking amazing and didn’t even question the logic on the grounds that even if they were wrong, he didn’t know enough about good cooking to refute it. He only knew how to cook for practical reasons. When someone once walked in and saw Zelia showing Zuko how to properly make rice noodles while Ozana and Suli were sitting on the bench taking a break and eating noodles, the man may have hit the floor if Syn hadn’t caught him so he wouldn’t hurt himself. 

After learning that Zuko was being taught to cook while some of the kitchen staff rested, the rest of the kitchen staff showed less fear of him. They would still stop laughing and chattering when they saw Zuko coming, but they had become confident enough to do it when he wasn’t there which was an improvement. They also wouldn’t flinch or hide, they would just continue working in silence. They would always resume talking when he passed but not out of earshot. Zuko didn’t think he had ever heard anything so wonderful in his life. 

After he spent the morning with his…friends? Yes, his friends. They are his friends. He would go and meditate before practicing firebending or practicing with his dao swords. After about an hour or two of that, he would do his actual job as Fire Lord in his office. His friends said being holed up in his room wasn’t good for him. Around noon, one of them would come up to see him, it would change every time, sometimes more than one. They would eat together and they would tell him about the gossip in the kitchens of people who he didn’t know. Zuko didn’t really care that he didn’t know these people, he just liked the fact that his friends were talking to him so easily and including him in their lives. He also liked the fact that if there was gossip, it means that people are talking about their personal lives again. It means there isn’t as much fear in the palace anymore. He had seen a little less fear in the maid as well. They kept their heads down when they passed him, but they didn’t shrink away from him anymore. 

For dinner, Zuko would always go down and eat with them. They would always try and feed him too much, telling him that he was too skinny and needed to eat more. However, once he had told them that he didn’t like it when people talked about his weight and that it made him feel stupid and self concious, they never said anything about it again. They didn’t press for questions. That didn’t stop them from continuing to pile food into his bowl and giving him encouraging smiles. 

When he had gotten a letter back from the hospital about three weeks before Toph was due to arrive, he had shown it to them. Due to the fact he knows that it takes less than a day for a letter to reach that hospital, and they only get so much mail, they had fretted over the response. However, they did say that they could find someone and they would be set to the palace within the next two months. Whoever ended up pulling the short string. Zuko would do everything he could to make them feel welcome and safe.

His friends had been happy for him that he was finally getting the help that he needed. Ozana had told him that support from people who loved him could do wonders for his health, but he needed to tackle the underlying issues to truly recover. He hates to admit that he had broken down crying in her arms, hugging her tight as she rocked him in her arms. He felt so lucky that he had met these people. He hadn’t felt this happy for this long in a long time. 

  
  


When Toph arrives hours before the sun rises on the equinox, she has put up 15 statues of herself, all flipping Zuko off, facing towards the bed. He wakes up with a very dense and grumpy earthbender curled up in his arms. He can’t help but to smile, holding her closer. She had grown, she had gotten taller with more defined muscle now. She could  _ definitely  _ beat him in a fist fight now with no bending. She probably could have before. He would have to introduce her to his friends in the kitchen. She would probably like them, they make delicious food, know other people’s business, and have been making sure Zuko has taken care of himself. He is nervous about telling her about what had happened with Sokka, however. 

Zuko usually gets up with Agni, but he stays in bed for about an hour later than usual. He just gently runs his fingers through Toph’s hair that is so rarely down. She looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s asleep. He isn’t watching her sleep in a creepy way, just that he’s missed his friend and wants to watch over her. She had done so much to protect him in the time they had known each other, the least he could do was watch over her while she slept. Also to keep his eyes off of the 15 ten foot Tophs all flipping him off and grinning wildly. 

He feels her stir in his arms and he pulls her a little closer to his chest. “Hey, Toph. It’s good to see you again, I’ve missed you. I hope that you actually take down the statues of you before you go this time.”

Toph groans, turning around to face him despite the fact there isn’t much of a point considering that she can’t see. “That depends on how well you behave yourself, Sparky. If I have any reason to be worried that you’ll hurt yourself when I’m gone, I’ll leave them up to keep their feet on you. I’ll also put them in your office and in the halls. Also in the bathroom on the grounds of fuck you. You won’t even be able to piss in peace.”

Zuko can’t help but to laugh at that. “You’ll actually be proud of me. I’ve had a very good two months. I’ve eaten every day and slept every night. I haven’t locked myself in my room or office at all during that time and I haven’t had a severe breakdown, just mild ones, nothing debilitating. I also made some friends with the kitchen staff. I think you’ll like them.”

Toph sits up straight at that comment. “You made friends? I’m meeting them. Introduce me to them or we’ll have problems. If you’re lying to me about this, I’ll tell Sokka that you like him and have creepy fantasies about him.” She makes a kissing face at him and Zuko pushes her, feeling humiliated. 

“Actually, it’s probably best for me to get this out now before I lose the nerve to tell you. You have to promise that you won’t tell anyone. I mean  _ anyone.  _ The only other people who know are Sokka and Suki. You have to promise me. You’ll be violating my trust and I won’t forgive you for this if you talk, alright?” He whispers, fidgeting with his hands. He doesn’t want to tell her about Sokka, it all feels like it was so long ago, but all of the same and humiliation comes rushing back. The fear and disgust he felt when Sokka had pressed his hands to Zuko’s bare stomach and chest. Zuko wasn’t able to feel Sokka. The man who has been so kind to him, who would never hurt him, who would never demand anything from his body, especially not take it by blackmail, manipulation, or force. He was only able to feel the hands of those who had done that to him, demanding more of him than was left. Demanding what he couldn’t give. The fear that Zuko’s feelings were out in the open and could so easily be used to pierce his heart like so many others had done. That Sokka would use what he learned of Zuko’s obsession with him to harm Zuko in any way possible. That he would turn and leave Zuko behind forever. Something Zuko still didn’t fully understand why Sokka hadn’t done. 

Toph touches his face, lifting his chin a little. “Zuko, what happened? Did someone do something to you? Are you in danger? I won’t tell anyone anything as long as you aren’t in danger either from yourself or someone else. If you refuse to tell me, I’ll assume it’s that. If it isn’t, no one will ever know. I promise.” 

He can feel fear radiating from her body, so scared for Zuko’s safety. He could almost break down with the compassion that he is being shown so suddenly by her. So much concern for his safety. Zuko bites his lip, blinking away forming tears. “No, nothing like that. A little after you left to go back to the Earth Kingdom, I got a letter from Sokka. I replied, and when I was going to send the letter I had a complete breakdown. I’m not sure what happened and I’m not sure what caused it but it was bad. I broke down crying in the hallway and was in full panic. Someone carried me back to my room and everyone fucking knew about it and I still feel I stupid.”

Toph squeezes his hand tightly in hers. “Hey Sparky, it’s alright. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that. I’m so sorry you aren’t doing well.”

“That isn’t what I needed to tell you, it’s just what kicked it off.” Zuko whimpers, feeling worse, tears rolling down his cheeks, feeling so incredibly stupid. “One of the guards sent my letter to Sokka and sent a fucking summons along with it because apparently when I was breaking down someone asked me what I needed and I said ‘I need Sokka.’ I guess they thought I was requesting for him to come here and not me just thinking about him as someone who makes me feel safe. After I broke down. I hid in my room for almost a week and completely stopped eating, bathing, and barely slept.”

“Oh, Zuko, I am so sorry. You can’t do that to yourself.” Toph whispers, wrapping her strong arms around him, pulling him close to her small body. 

“They sent an airship to Sokka and he fucking came to see me. I hadn’t eaten or slept in so long and was so stressed that I thought he was some weird dream or crazy hallucination. I didn’t think that he would ever want to see me and I didn’t know they had summoned him. Or I guess that I summoned him. He sat down next to me and was comforting me and I was so fucking stupid and broken. I  _ am  _ so fucking stupid and broken. I fucking told him that I loved him and I fucking kissed him Toph. He said it was okay at that he wasn’t angry with me, but I still feel so stupid. He stayed for several days after and I wrote to the hospital to find a psychologist. I fucking kissed him and couldn’t stop telling him that I loved him.”

“Oh, Zuko.” He hears Toph whisper but he can’t see her anymore. His eyes are blurred with tears. “I am so, so sorry. I know this must have hurt you a lot. I’m assuming you’re telling me about this because you’re looking for what to do after giving a close friend a kiss that they don’t want and confessing the fact you have a crush on them. I don’t really have too much insight on that. I felt guilty for a few weeks after, but I got most of it out of my system by beating the shit out of your father. Also making statues of him and breaking them. Also different interpretations of how I assume Zhao would look like. I never met the guy, but from what I heard from the others, he was a real dick to you and broke you down a lot. You also freak out a little when anyone mentions the name, so I know he did something to you that the others don’t know about. But I mostly broke statues of Ozai. I got my guilt out with perpetual rage for several weeks straight. I don’t have any advice. Unless you wanna go beat up Hakoda, Sokka’s dad, but then you’d just piss off Sokka. His dad isn’t perfect, but he does want what's best for Sokka and Katara and they look up to him.”

Toph was right about Zhao. He had several horrible memories of the man. Memories he never wanted to think about again. Zuko had met Hakoda once and he had tried to avoid him as much as possible. He had helped Sokka rescue him from the Boiling Rock and Hakoda had stayed at the air temple until Azula came. Zuko barely saw him, he didn’t want to take any chances with having the memories of yet another man’s hands and face causing him to wake up in tears and terror for years to come. 

Toph had said Hakoda isn’t perfect but he wants the best for his kids. Is he cruel to them? Does that mean he pushes them past their limits so they can be stronger. He knows their father is also a leader, he would need to be acrimonious and demanding to train strong men and raise strong children. Sokka and Katara are strong, and they also had no mother to protect them from the wrath of their father. Maybe Hakoda told his children that he loved them, that he wanted the best for them, something Zuko’s own father had never done, but it wouldn’t change the fact that fists still hurt. Maybe Zuko  _ would  _ need to beat up Sokka’s father to apologize.

“Hey, Zuko.” He is pulled from his thoughts by Toph’s voice. “How about we go get something to eat and then you introduce me to your friends, how about that?”

Zuko gives her a small smile, wiping his eyes. “Actually, my friends are kitchen staff, it’s why I’ve been eating every day. Let’s go down there. You’ll like them. I hope you do, at least. If you don’t, at least know they have been very kind to me and have done a lot to make me feel safe and loved.”

Toph gets off the bed, taking Zuko’s hand in her own. “I like them already. Let’s go. You need to eat and have some good company.” She pulls Zuko’s arm a little so he is encouraged to stand up, pulling him out the door of his room, ignoring his protests that he can’t go parading around the palace in his pajamas. “You’re the Fire Lord, you can parade around the palace however you want.” Zuko just grumbles in annoyance at that. She isn’t wrong.

Zuko directs her through the kitchens despite the fact he would rather be dressed in something that isn’t this. However, that wish fades away as the rest of the kitchen staff he passes seems to relax at his current state. His hair is down and messy and is wearing loose, old robes and no shoes. Also at the fact he is letting a little 13 year old earthbender order him around. The people who see him smile fondly, some are bold enough to chuckle softly at his state. Zuko can’t help but to grin.

Zuko directs Toph to the back corner room of the kitchen where his friends are. Ezami and Ozana are chatting while chopping up vegetables and adding them to pot. “Ah, Zuko, there you are. Since when do you sleep in?” Ezami says, smiling at him. “We were beginning to worry, Syn wouldn't let anyone drink your tea while it was hot. You can either heat it up yourself or get a new cup.” 

Before Zuko can even open his mouth to say anything, Syn presses the lukewarm cup of tea into Zuko hands, smiling warmly at him. “Thank you, Syn. This is my friend Toph, everyone. She’s blind so if she and Syn want to communicate, there will need to be a third party. She’s prickly but is my best friend. Toph, this is Syn, Ezami, Ozana, Zelia, and Suli. They’ve been making sure I’ve been taking care of myself, or more accurately, they’ve been taking care of me.” He says quickly before heating up his tea and drinking it. It is ginger today. It has sat for too long and isn’t as good as Syn’s ginger tea usually is, but that’s Zuko’s vault.

‘Would your friend like some tea?’ Syn asks, looking warmly at Zuko. “Hey Toph, would you like some tea? Syn makes it really well.”

“As good as uncle’s? 

“That’s something that I will never say allowed and something you will  _ never  _ tell uncle. Also, he’s not your uncle, back off.” Zuko shoves her playfully and of course Toph fucking bites him. “Ow! Why are you like this?” Suli laughs, taking Zuko’s hand and gently washing it with a warm cloth while Toph drinks Zuko’s tea that he had put down.

“You’re not the only one who has crappy parents and wants to be adopted by a friendly, old, tea loving man. Anyways, it looks like you’ve been adopted by five older tea loving women. We’re sharing uncle. Argue with me and I’ll put up even bigger statues of myself, some even made of metal so you can’t get any earthbender you come across to take them down. I’ll also tell my students not to remove the statues and thet if the Fire Lord threatens them to remember that he is just a big softy and they won’t be hurt by him.” Zuko hears Zelia and Ozana laugh behind him. 

“This is treason.” He grumbles, crossing his arms after Suli finishes cleaning his hand. Syn touches his shoulder gently, handing him a new cup of tea that she must have brewed when it became clear Toph wasn’t giving Zuko back his cup. “Thank you, Syn.” He says softly, sipping it. This cup is delicious. “It’s really good, thank you.” Syn nods once, turning back to her work. 

Toph and Zuko stay in the kitchen for the better part of three hours. The women feed Toph and coax Zuko into eating a little. Luckily their cooking is always wonderful. Toph pokes fun at Zuko and teases him, the women in the kitchen learning what Zuko did and didn’t mind being made fun of, continuing to grow closer and more comfortable with him. 

Toph eventually takes Zuko’s hand and stands on her toes to whisper in his ear. “I know what we’re going to do for our next adventure. It’s an adventure of justice.” She stands flat footed again, smiling. 

Zuko embraces his friends, promising to come back here for dinner because they didn’t trust him that he would eat if he didn’t. It makes him feel warm inside that there are people that care enough about him to demand his presence. That they wanted him there, wanted to make sure that he was happy and healthy. Want him to be okay. 

Toph leads Zuko back up to his room, he decides that at this point it would be pointless to change into real clothes. He knows that it is still hours before he would go back to bed, but still, he’s been in his pajamas most of the day. “So, what’s the plan? Did your boyfriend cheat on you and you want to use me as an alibi to go beat him up?”

Toph laughs. “No, no. Things are good with him, but I would ask you to do that. I’m not talking about justice for me, it’s for you. Katara had this kinda boyfriend that she met in the Earth Kingdom and I met in Ba Sing Se. I thought he had died but recently learned that he is alive and you and him kinda had a thing and that he was…a bitch. You know Jet, yes?”

Zuko swallows, nodding. He remembers the boy he had met on the ferry on the way to Ba Sing Se. Zuko had formed a stupid crush on him because he was smart, cunning, attractive…he even thought his stupid wheat stalk was attractive. What he mostly remembers is Jet’s greedy hands and mouth on his body, demanding more every time. He remembers the cruelty in his words. The dismay that he felt that when Zuko finally had the courage to tell him to fuck off Jet tried to turn him and Iroh in for being firebenders. Zuko wipes at his face, trying to hide forming tears.

Toph touches Zuko’s arm. “Yeah, so that confirms that he was an asshole to you. Make sure you get some sleep and tell your aunts that you’ll be gone for a bit. We’re gonna go beat up your asshole ex.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zuko gets adopted by five older women:)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided that I am going to update this fic on Wednesdays and my other one on Saturdays.   
> I just had my first organic chemistry exam today and I hope that I didn't fail it because I'm an idiot.

The soup they made for dinner is amazing. Rice noodles, slow cooked duck, bean sprouts, broth, and a lot of chili powder. The oils from the chili stain the tips of Zuko’s pale fingers a little and he makes a note to himself to remember not to touch his face until he washes his hands. He has forgotten that far too many times. He doesn’t need to burn his other eye. Chili powder is his favorite spice to put in any noodle soup. Not only the fact that it is spicy but it has a great flavor. He likes the way that it makes his lips and tongue tingle and how it clears out his nose no matter what. He is always able to breath easily after eating soup with chili powder in it. It is also good for cooling down without controlling his inner flame. He definitely understands why nonbenders would want it to cool them down in the Fire Nation climate. 

Toph seems to be enjoying her soup as well, but she is going between taking a few bites of her soup and then eating some fruit along with some water. His friends laugh a little at her, not in a mocking way, in a friendly way. Toph seems to be having a good time taunting them back until Syn begins communicating with them all in sign language which she can’t understand and likely couldn’t learn. Her response to that is threatening to go around the palace putting statues of herself in every room and that Zuko wouldn’t arrest her because the rest of team avatar would get upset with him. Also that he loves her. She is correct on both accounts but Zuko refused to speak up on that. He just continues to eat his noodles. 

Ezami is the one who had cut up the fruit for Toph after remembering that the Fire Nation had particularly spicy cuisine and Toph is from the Earth Kingdom. She, however, had only remembered that when Toph covered her mouth and started swearing. Toph evidently hadn’t expected it to be as spicy as it is. That only makes Zuko enjoy his noodles more. 

“So, what kind of trouble are you planning on getting Zuko into on your misadventures this time. Don’t get him arrested again, he really hated that.” Zelia chuckles, resting a hand on Zuko’s shoulder. 

Toph looks at Zuko, appearing deeply offended. “You  _ snitched _ ? What kind of friend are you? I didn’t  _ mean  _ to get you arrested by guards who were going to scare the shit out of you. I just wanted to get arrested and fuck with the guards by a blind girl and a scrawny teenage boy busting a giant hole in the side of the cell and just disappearing without a trace.” She proceeds to make spooky spirit noises and wiggles her fingers in the air after the last comment.

Zuko just rolls his eyes, more annoyed that Toph had intentionally gotten him arrested. He would never say anything to Toph, but he still has nightmares about what could have happened if Rulan hadn’t been there. What would have been done to him if no one had stood up for him. How he would have been broken down into impossibly smaller pieces. 

“Wait, you mean to say you  _ intentionally  _ got him arrested?” Ezamai asks loudly, looking personally offended. “You didn’t tell us that part, Zuko. Why didn’t you guys escape then, I would assume Toph would have planned that part at least, especially because Toph said they were scaring you. What happened?”

Toph opens her mouth but Zuko shakes his head. “I don’t wanna talk about it. I want to forget about it.  _ Please. _ ” He practically begs, looking at the others in the room desperately. He feels a hand wrap around his. “Zuko, did they hurt you?” He hears Ozana say quietly, her voice concerned. Zuko shakes his head but can’t stop a few tears rolling down his cheeks.  _ They wanted to. They wanted to hear how loud you would scream, how much it would take to get you to beg for mercy. They wanted to hurt you in every way possible. They wanted to make sure that you understood exactly what you deserve. You’re never going to be safe, someone is always going to know you deserve pain. They aren’t going to be able to resist making new scars on your flesh and soul. They aren’t going to be able to resist wanting to make you their property. It’s your fault, it’s what you do to people, Zuko. You corrupt them. You do this to yourself. You only have yourself to blame. If you fight back, you’ll hurt them and only deserve it more. Someone isn’t always going to be there to protect you from what you deserve.  _ He hears his father’s voice say cruelly. 

It had been so long since Zuko had heard father’s voice like this before. It had just been small things since Sokka came. Occasionally telling Zuko that he was worthless, to cut himself with his swords or burn himself with his bending. Telling him that he didn’t deserve the company his new friends offered him or the food they brought. It hadn’t been like this in a long time. Long enough that Zuko had forgotten to stop himself from physically responding in a way other people can see and hear.

Zuko has his hands pressed over his ears, trying to block out a voice that came from inside of him. “S-stop. Shut up. I-I don’t…I can’t. Stop.” He whimpers quietly, trembling as he does. Zuko feels several sets of hands press gently to his arm, to his back. Gentle voices trying to bring him back into reality. 

Zuko wraps his arms around his stomach, lowering his head and refusing to open his eyes. He tries to focus on the hands pressing against him. They’re gentle, palms open, not grabbing at him, not demanding anything from him, not trying to take what’s left of him. They're just there reminding him that the people attached to those hands are here with him. That he isn’t alone right now, that father isn’t here.

“I’m so sorry, Zuko. If I had known they were going to threaten you like that, that it would scare you so bad, I would have never gotten you into that situation. I’m so, so sorry. I want you to know that I’ll do whatever I can to protect you, I’ll beat the shit out of anyone who wants to hurt you or has hurt you. We’re gonna cross one off the list soon. I’m so sorry.” He hears Toph say in front of him.

“Toph, who are you taking him to beat up? I know you only have good intentions but that’s what the path to damnation is paved with. Please be careful with him. He’s not in a good place. What are you going to do?” Suli asks, holding Zuko’s hand a little tighter. 

Zuko leans closer to her. He’s calmed himself down, but he doesn't feel quite ready to talk to anyone yet. He just wants to be around most of the people in his life who have shown him nothing but unconditional love and care. People who have gone out of their way to make him feel loved and wanted. People who make him feel safe. The only people who do that who aren't here is uncle and Sokka. He guesses that Aang would count as well, he has always been kind and had never once hurt Zuko no matter what he had done to deserve it. However, where he would consider himself and Aang close, Aang didn’t really know about everything that haunted him like the others did. 

“Well, if you must know, we’re going to go beat up a shitty ex-boyfriend of his that he met in Ba Sing Se, h-”

“Toph.” Zuko interjects, finally finding his voice. “I don’t want to see Jet. I don’t want to go beat him up. Can we just like…go to your school or something? I’ve wanted to see that.” Zuko doesn’t think he could handle seeing Jet again. All he would be able to feel are his rough, strong, greedy hands moving over his body, moving up under his clothes, pulling them off, threatening to leave if Zuko tried to protest. Threatened to leave him alone. Threatened to have yet another person abandon him and cast him aside. Zuko would be able to feel Jet’s hot mouth pressed against his own, trailing feverish kisses down his body, leaving dark marks and cuts from his teeth all over Zuko’s trembling body. Zuko just wants to forget about him, he doesn’t want the memories to come back again. He wants Jet’s face to continue to blur in his memories as he disappears from Zuko’s mind. He doesn’t want Jet to be refreshed.

“Sparky, he fucking hurt you. I don’t know all the details but he really fucking hurt you. He deserves…I don’t know he just, I want to hurt him Sparky.” Toph cries in an exasperated voice. 

Zuko opens his eyes in time to see Toph throwing her hands in the air. She looks furious. Zuko is positive that if he had been actively chasing Aang when Toph had joined them, he would be dead. He is also positive that if he and Katara had anymore than that one fight when she wasn't severely outnumbered after she had proper training he would be dead as well. “Toph, please. I just don’t want to see him. I recently finally stopped having nightmares about him. I really don’t want them to start again. Please Toph, j-”

“You have fucking  _ nightmares  _ about him? I’m going to fucking demolish that little fuck. I’m going to fucking destroy him.” Toph growls, punching her fist into her other hand.

Zuko flinches, practically throwing himself into Ozana’s open arms, whimpering quietly. Ozana holds him close, rubbing his back and rocking him gently in her arms. 

“Toph, please just respect what he wants. You can do what you want on your own time. He’s scared.” He hears Ezami say quietly. 

Toph sighs and he hears her walk over to Zuko, sitting back down and resting her hand on his back. “I’m sorry, Zuko. We can just go to my bending school. Most of my students have gone home for a little to visit their family or do whatever. Only three are still there for the next bit. I think you’ll like it. I won’t bring you to Jet. Alright?”

Zuko exhales, feeling like a weight had been lifted from his chest. “Thank you, Toph. I don’t want to see him. I can’t see him, especially if I were in the Earth Kingdom. I’d be meeting him in his territory, not mine. He’d hurt me. I-I can’t.” He knows that in a fight, even without his bending, Zuko could take Jet if he had his swords. However, Zuko would probably also freeze in terror if he even saw Jet. Zuko isn’t fueled by his anger anymore, emotions like that wouldn’t be blocked anymore. He wouldn’t be safe anymore. Zuko would freeze and Jet would hurt him. He would claim him. He would take the last shred of Zuko’s soul that he had left, leaving him broken and hollow. Leaving him good as dead. 

Ozana runs her fingers through Zuko’s hair, helping him tuck his face into the crook of her neck. “You can cry, Zuko. No one here will judge you if you cry. You might feel better. You’ve been hurt so much by so many people. You can cry, we’ll hold you together.”

Zuko opens his mouth and is about to say that he’ll be okay when he lets out a loud, broken sob. It’s as if he just needed the permission to fall apart, that he wouldn’t be seen as weak or thought less of. As if all he needed was confirmation that someone thought that he was justified to break down in tears. Zuko doesn’t even think about anything as hot tears spill down his cheeks and soak Ozana’s robes. He doesn’t even try to stop himself long enough to stammer out an apology, he just lets himself break down. He just lets so much of his pent up humiliation and grief about Jet and what had happened out as he continues to cry and be held close to someone who had shown him nothing but kindness. 

Zuko isn’t sure how long this lasts, just that he can’t stop until he’s completely exhausted and left hiccoughing in Ozana’s arms, his fingers numb with how tight he is clutching the fabric of her clothes. He hears the people around him talking and he is far too tired and upset to even try and understand what they are saying. Zuko feels himself being moved from Ozana and into someone else’s arms. Someone’s arms who are stronger and unfamiliar. Zuko yelps, holding onto Ozana’s clothes tighter.

“It’s alright, my lord. I’m just bringing you to your bed.” He hears a vaguely familiar feminine voice say. Zuko opens his eyes a little as he peers at the woman’s face who is now carrying him. She is a guard, she is usually stationed near the front but still inside of the palace. Her station is somewhat close to the kitchens. It’s likely someone went and found the nearest guard, they’re generally just physically stronger due to their job description and likely no one in the room wanted to risk dropping Zuko. Also Toph’s method of ‘carrying’ would be grabbing his ankle and dragging him. 

Zuko let out a small whimper, resting his head on the guard’s chest and wrapping an arm around her shoulder to make it a little easier to hold him. “Sorry…thank you.” He whispers, Zuko can’t remember her name and he doesn’t know her all that well, but he knows that she is friendly. She’s usually pretty cheerful and easy to be around. A lot of people are drawn to her, Zuko was as well. He had never gotten too close out of fear of being cast out and away again by someone who showed any amount of kindness to him. He also didn’t want to scare the others away from her. Zuko didn’t want to leave her in isolation from being associated with him. He knows how much it hurts. 

He feels himself being rested on his bed and then someone crawling in next to him, pulling the blankets over them and snuggling up next to him.  _ Toph.  _ He thinks, fondly wrapping an arm around her. He’s really grateful that Toph has been such a good and caring friend to him and the fact that she kissed him didn’t make this awkward for her. She doesn’t usually show gentle physical affection to anyone, but he feels lucky that she’s willing to show it to him.

“Thank you, Zi Yen.” He hears Toph say quietly as she snuggles up against Zuko’s chest. He assumes that she is thanking the guard, but he isn’t awake long enough to find out, he slips into a deep and, thankfully, dreamless sleep. 

  
  


Zuko wakes up the next morning to the feeling of someone running their fingers through his hair. Zuko groans, shifting a little, opening his eyes. He is surprised to find that Toph is still fast asleep in his arms, curled up against his chest, grumbling about how someone is an idiot in her sleep. Zuko quickly turns to his other side, panicking a little at who is touching him if it isn’t Toph. He relaxes almost immediately when he sees that it’s just Syn. He’s deeply confused as to why she is here, but he can’t say he’s upset.

“Hey, Syn…what are you doing here? Like, not that I want you to go, just curious.” He mumbles, slowly letting go of Toph as to not wake and anger the sleeping, easily agitated earthbender. He did not want to start off his morning with being thrown across the room by a blind 13 year old. 

Syn pulls her hand away from Zuko and begins to communicate with him. ‘We were all worried about you with the state that you were in when you went to bed. We got worried that you might wake up when Toph was asleep and do something to hurt yourself before she could stop you. We took turns staying with you last night, so don’t worry, we all got to sleep.’

Zuko does feel guilty about the anxiety that he had caused these people who had shown him so much kindness. He feels tears prick in his eyes and wraps his arms around Syn tightly. It still shocks him when people show him unnecessary kindness when they have nothing to gain from it. He feels so lucky, like things might change a little for him. “Thank you.” He whispers. “I-I’m sure you know my mom disappeared when I was 9…she was the only person who was ever kind to me until my uncle started spending time with me after Lu Ten died. It’s kind of like having her back. You guys make me feel safe and loved…thank you for everything.”

Zuko feels Syn pull away from the hug a little and she presses a kiss to his forehead before smiling at him. She runs her thumb over Zuko’s cheekbone and he leans into her touch. 

“Toph and I are going to be leaving today soon after she wakes up. We’ll be back soon. I’ll make sure to see everyone before I leave. I love you.” He takes Syn’s hand that has the two fingers cut off and holds her hand close to his chest. “My family did this to you, didn’t they…along with your voice?” He asks quietly, looking down, feeling horrible, wishing he could undo it. Zuko’s family had likely hurt her in other ways that he couldn’t see. Wounds that were hidden, pain that sat deeper. Despite that, she had extended so much kindness and compassion to Zuko, loving him unconditionally. Loving him in a way that his mother had used to. Loving him in a way he had needed someone to for so long.

Syn nods once, gently touching Zuko’s cheek with her other hand, looking at him sadly. “I’m so sorry. You’ve been so kind to me despite everything that my family has done to you and the world. There is never anything that I can ever do to show you how truly grateful I am for what you have done for me. If there ever is anything I can do, please tell me…I’m not good at picking up on hints except when I think someone is going to hurt me. That’s the only time I can and will read into every little negative thing that ends up being what tears me apart. If there is anything that I can do at all for you, the others, or anyone else, please tell me. I really want to make the Fire Nation a better place, and I don’t know all of the day-to-day struggles of everyone here. I want to make it so people aren’t so terrified to speak to me…I don’t know where to start. I don’t know, just…thank you.”

Syn pulls Zuko back into her arms again, kissing the top of his head. Zuko hopes that means she’ll tell him if there is anything that he can do for her or anyone else. He can’t help but feel like he is taking advantage of his friends’ kindness. Like he isn’t contributing anything that improves their lives. That eventually they’ll see that he isn’t worth the time and leave like so many others had. Like so many more would.

He isn’t sure how long they stay there until he hears Toph begin to move and grumble. “Sparky, come back here and snuggle with me. You’re always the perfect temperature.” She mumbles, sitting up and stretching. She runs her fingers through her messy hair, shoving it out of her face, not that it will do anything useful. “I don’t know how you do it, but you should definitely use it as a selling point to woo the man of your dreams. Perfect cuddling temperature is a big win.”

Zuko chuckles a little, pulling away from Syn but still holding her hand. “My uncle taught me how to regulate my body temperature. Firebenders are usually particularly warm to the touch, but I can cool it as well. I usually do it for my own comfort, but have been doing it more often for other people. It maximizes the amount of hugs I get.” He mumbles sheepishly, biting his lip and smiling a little.

At that, Syn wraps her arms around Zuko again and Toph crawls over to the other side of the bed, hugging Zuko as well. “You can always just ask, Sparky. You don’t need to alter your body temperature for affection. If it makes you feel more loved, you’re the only person who I show more traditional affection to rather than punches.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Toph.” Zuko knows that he won’t ask to be embraced, to be touched, to feel needed and wanted. He has learned that asking for these things leads to…more. On top of that, if it were up to him, there would constantly be someone he cared about affectionately touching him. Someone holding his hand, resting a hand on his back or shoulder, holding him in their arms, or just touching him in anyway that is gentle, loving, and safe. A constant reminder that touch isn’t always something to be feared, it is something that can ground him. 

He feels Syn tap his arm and Zuko looks up at her. She pulls away and begins to move her hands. ‘I am going to go down with the others. Tea and breakfast should be ready soon, get dressed and ready to go and we’ll see you off.’

Zuko smiles warmly at her, taking her hand again. “Thank you, Syn. For everything, we’ll do that.” Zuko turns to Toph as Syn leaves the room. “She told us to get dressed and ready to go. They’ll give us breakfast and see us off when we depart.” 

Toph jumps up from the bed, grinning wildly. “Okay, Syn makes damn good tea. If you introduce her to Iroh, be sure to tell Kora she better fight for her man. I think Syn’s tea might be even better.”

Zuko shoves her playfully. “Do  _ not  _ say such bastfimous things. You can  _ never  _ say that to uncle or I’ll tell my aunts that they can’t feed you anymore, and they’ll have to listen to me because I’m the Fire Lord.” Zuko huffs as he begins to dress himself in more comfortable traveling clothes. He has decided that Toph can ‘see’ him just as well if he sends her outside than if he were to change in the same room as her. He’s just careful not to look at Toph while she is changing. He may have shitty vision in his left eye and he can still see. Toph would also likely be able to tell if he saw her change and she would  _ definitely  _ invent bonebending for that. Or humiliate him for it at every chance she got. He isn’t sure which would be worse. 

“Oh yeah? Letting that power get to your head already. Thought you were different, Zu, Anyways, they’d still feed me. They know that you’re really just a big softy. Also, what would your threat be anyways? They know that you need them around and want them to like you so you wouldn’t do jack shit to them. They’d just be like ‘oh who's threatening me? The Fire Lord? I know that guy, and he’s full of shit.’”

Zuko rolls his eyes, punching Toph’s arm. “That wasn’t an affectionate punch, it was a fuck you punch.” He hears Toph laugh as he begins to brush his hair and pull it into a top knot. He looks at his crown, considering putting it on for their journey. People would know who he was, that could be good. He didn’t want to announce to the world that he is the Fire Lord out of vanity but out of fear. If those soldiers had known who he was in Ba Sing Se, they wouldn’t have tried to throw him in a cooler, they wouldn’t have wanted to hurt him. Well, they would have wanted to hurt him more, but they would be less likely to do so. Where not too many would want to hurt him for being a firebender after the 100 years war, many would be like the 3rd soldier and just stand by and let it happen by the ones who are still angry. Very few would be like Rulan and step in to help. 

Zuko eventually decides he wants the protection that the crown would bring him without actually needing to hurt anyone. He no longer has his anger to protect him. He doesn’t want to be like that anymore, controlled and driven by his emotions. Keeping everyone at an arm's length by making them fear or hate him. It protected him, but it also isolated him. Once Zuko understood what it was like to be cared for by others, he couldn't go back to the isolation anger brought. He doesn't want the isolation he has felt for so long. He just wants to feel safe and warm. He just wants to be loved. 

He attached it to his top knot before resting his hands on his desk, trembling slightly, unable to stop thinking about the coolers. He couldn’t stop thinking about how painful they are, how terrifying they are. How it feels like his inner flame is eating away at his bones and flesh for fuel and consumes the air in his lungs to sustain itself, leaving Zuko to suffocate. Leaving him cold, burning, and unable to breath, unable to move, unable to scream or even beg. How it takes away so much. How he would have been thrown in one for being a firebender without proper documentation. How he would have been forced into one in an unknown area where Toph might not be able to find him. Where Zuko wouldn’t be able to escape and would be powerless. If he tried to fight his way out of arrest, he would only solidify the fear of the Fire Nation and firebenders into the minds of everyone who saw. 

Zuko feels Toph take his hand gently. “I’m really sorry that I got you arrested that time. You have nightmares about that, too, don’t you?” She asks softly.

Zuko nods before he could stop himself, feeling a tear roll down his cheek, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “It’s always about what could have happened. What they could have done to me. How I would be completely at their mercy for Agni knows how long.” He wipes at his face with his hand, exhaling slowly, calming himself. “The cooler at the boiling rock was too much…I-I thought Sokka was going to leave me there. I thought I was going to die in there. I couldn’t let him know that while we were trying to get out of fucking prison…but it hurt so much. Can’t go in one again.”

“Sparky, I am so sorry that I got you into that mess. I didn’t even think how people would react to you just months after the end of the war and the mess with the Dai Li and the breach of the walls. You’ve been hurt so badly by so many people, I only wanted to make it easier for you. I never wanted to be the reason that you have another source of nightmares. I just want you to know that if they had really started dragging you away from me I would have attacked them. I didn’t know that coolers were that horrible until you told me, but I wouldn’t have let them take you away and hurt you. I will always protect you however I can, okay?” Toph squeezes his hand. 

Zuko wraps his free arm around Toph’s shoulders. “Thank you, Toph. I want you to know that I love you and I’m so grateful that you’re who you are. As embarrassing as it was for both of us, I’m glad that you kissed me. I would have never really opened up to you if you hadn’t figured out that I was just really fucked up. You wouldn’t be here right now with me. You’re my best friend…thank you Toph, for everything. Really.”

Toph smiles, punching Zuko softly. “Don’t get all mushy on me. Anyways, I packed your bag while you were just kinda, staring at the wall. You keep your clothes well organized and I remembered where you had gotten the traveling clothes from earlier.” 

Zuko hadn’t realized that he had been spending so much time thinking about what could have happened in Ba Sing Se and how he could prevent it from happening again. “Thank you, Toph.” He takes the bag and they begin to make their way to the kitchens.

“For the record, Sparky, I’m glad I kissed you too. Felt pretty stupid and angry for ahwile, but I wouldn’t have known how badly you needed help. You seem to be doing better. I’m glad that you have people here who make you feel loved and safe, and I’m glad you’re getting professional help soon.” She punches Zuko again, and he’s pretty sure that she’s telling him that she loves him too. 

When they get down to the kitchen, the women had already packed supplies for them. Ozana begins giving strict, detailed instructions on making sure that Zuko ate enough and Toph seems overly excited about being in charge of him. She is definitely already planning on abusing this power she had over Zuko. Ozana tells Toph this as she serves them breakfast.

Breakfast is gruel with brown sugar, bananas, walnuts, and milk along with oolong tea. Zuko eats it slowly, listening to the others talk around him. He typically doesn’t like being talked about when he is in the room. It usually makes him feel like people are treating him like he’s a thing that can be owned that doesn’t get a say in his life, but this is different. His friends in the kitchen are making sure that Zuko takes care of himself while he is away. They are making sure that Toph knows how to get Zuko to eat, and Toph shares some of her methods with them. The women have much more gentle methods of coaxing Zuko to eat. They usually have to do that after something particularly bad has happened and he just feels sick or like he doesn’t deserve to eat. Most of the time, he’s willing to, even if it's just a little, they usually get him to eat a little more than he wants to.

Toph’s methods include force and threats. She had found out in the air temple that if she refused to eat along with Zuko, he would cave. She figured out far too fast that he would only ever force himself to eat if someone else was being harmed because of his actions. Somehow, she picked that up but not the fact that he was absolutely terrified of Hakoda. She didn’t pick up that she could preemptively protect Sokka and Katara. If Toph attacked him, it would be warranted. She had been with team avatar for a while and had proved herself time and time again. Something Zuko had done the exact opposite of. Thankfully, Hakoda had left before he had been able to destroy Sokka or Katara, however the knowledge that Sokka had been in the South Pole with the man in a small tribe did not sit well with him. Zuko is grateful that Sokka is in the Earth Kingdom with Suki now. 

Toph somehow didn’t pick up that the reason he wasn’t eating was because Hakoda was there during meal times. Even if he wasn’t, Zuko was constantly nauseous from terror at what he might do to Sokka or Katara. The horror that neither sibling seemed to understand yet that their father had to raise strong children and lead strong soldiers. Neither seemed to understand that Hakoda would use any means necessary to make them stronger. Zuko had wanted to protect them so bad, but he could barely keep himself from going into a panic or attacking the man every time Zuko saw him. Every time he heard his deep voice or heard his heavy footsteps. Every time Zuko felt the hulking presence of the man standing far too close to him. Zuko thought he might pass out from the seer terror a few times.

Toph’s methods may be different from the women who made it so he could go a few hours at a time without being consumed by terror, some nights where he didn’t wake up from a horrible nightmare, crying himself back to sleep, and made sure that he was eating and taking care of himself. However, she is still showing him time and time again that she cares about him, that she loves him. She proves that she will protect him even from himself. She may not be as gentle, but she is just as caring even if she would never admit it.

All too soon, Zuko and Toph are gathering up their bags, embracing the women and saying their goodbyes. Zuko is told to be safe, to take care of himself and to remember to eat. Toph had promised to tell on him if he didn’t. His friends would all be very disappointed in him and watch him more carefully when he came back. Syn threatened to put salt in his tea and be upset if he didn’t drink it anyway. 

After that, Toph and Zuko make their way to Toph’s ship which is once again stuck in rock so no one could take it. “Toph, you do know I could just give you docking. I’m the fucking Fire Lord, I can give that to anyone I want. You don’t have to bury your ship every time you land. Is it not annoying?”

Toph grins, shaking her head. “It’s a power move, Sparky. People know that I’m an earthbender and a threat. I will encase them in rock if they take my ship.”

“Please don’t encase my citizens in rock, Toph. I’ll just give you a new ship if someone takes it. Again, you’re friends with the Fire Lord. You can just ask.” He is grateful that she hasn’t really done much to take advantage of the fact that he is the Fire Lord. Zuko wouldn’t mind helping his friends out with his position, but it’s proof that Toph isn’t just sticking around to take advantage of his status. The thing she likes most about his status is she is able to build statues of herself in the palace with no repercussions and gets to eat there. Most everything else, she takes Zuko somewhere else. 

“Zuko, first of all, that is  _ my  _ ship. I took it through violence. I don’t want to take a ship through violence from you. Second of all, it’s the principal of the matter.” Toph punches Zuko’s arm again as she begins to remove the rocks encasing her ship, holding it in place so no one could take it. Zuko has to admit, it would be quite the power move. 

After she removes the rocks, she lifts them up onto the ship, it is definitely nice not needing to climb up and everything when no one else is on board. Once they’re on board, Zuko puts his bags on the ground and clutches onto the side of the ship as Toph aggressively launches it forward, setting sail in a manner she had clearly taught herself. All of her sailing methods are like that. Aggressive but effective, she had managed to get them to the Earth Kingdom in almost half the time it should have taken last time. It doesn’t make the lift-off any less jarring and unpleasant for him.

“Zuko!” Toph screams into his bad ear, causing him to almost jump overboard. “What the fuck, Toph? Is something wrong already?” He yelps, rubbing his head.

Toph grins, shaking her head. “You’re going to teach me how to play Pai Sho on our way to my school. I’ve already made the pieces, they’re made of metal and stone on a stone board. They’re a little big and look a bit weird but that's so I can see them properly. Uncle has wanted to play with me for a while and I want to be able to surprise him when I see him next.”

Zuko can’t help but to smile, uncle would really love that. He had begun to grow very fond of Toph especially after she had made Zuko visit him. Apparently, she had been pretty regularly visiting Iroh in Ba Sing Se. The two of them would drink tea and Toph would do some basic maintenance around the apartment. That involved just stomping around and earthbending. Apparently she had built a statue of herself in the corner of the kitchen that she refused to take down. “Alight Toph, but you have to stop calling him uncle and stop trying to enact vigilante justice on the people who have hurt me.”

Toph stands on her tippy toes, leaning close to Zuko and gently kissing the tip of his nose before going back on her flat feet. “No. If you don’t, I'll tell you aunts that you didn’t behave yourself. Also, I’ll tell Sokka about how when I mentioned your crush on him you just fucking sighed and stared off dreamily. You can’t get any creepier than that.” 

Zuko glares at her. “Fine. However, if you  _ ever  _ tell Sokka about that, I will ban you from the Fire Nation and put a bounty on your head. I fucking serious Toph. Sokka will never speak to me again, Katara won’t because I was creepy to her brother, and Aang won’t because he just wants to be a good boyfriend.”  _ He won’t risk a good relationship for someone like you. You’re not worth it. You’ll never be worth it. _

Toph laughs, taking Zuko’s hand and leading him below deck presumably where she has her Pai Sho board. “Okay, you wouldn’t do that, also, no one would catch me, I’m too much of a threat.”

“Which is why there would be a bounty on you and why it would be high.”

“Second of all mr. I’m-not-letting-the-power-get-to-my-head, if you did that, your friends would know that you’re evil again and Sokka will never sleep with you.” She cackles at that last statement.

“Sokka would never do that to me…he’s safe. H-He’s safe, he wouldn’t hurt me like that.” Zuko whispers softly enough that he doubts Toph can hear him. Zuko doubts that she’s had any experience with sex due to her age…not that that had saved Zuko, and he hopes she never has to…it’s always so, so horrible. Well for one person, the other seemed to enjoy it. Zuko had never been that person and he knows he would  _ never  _ want to hurt someone like that.

If Toph could hear him, she doesn’t say anything which is good. She only means well but she tends to blow everything bad that ever happened to him out of proportion, such as this whole thing with Jet. Jet certainly wasn’t the person who had hurt him the most, far from it, he had been kinder than most. Jet would hold him after, would kiss him gently sometimes. Never drugged him. Zuko mostly is still scared of him because of  _ when  _ he was with Jet. He had taken just about everything Zuko had left of himself, Zuko just had the scraps and threads left of himself barely holding together. Jet took everything Zuko had left to give without completely losing himself. Anything more would leave Zuko without a shred of his soul.

“Zuko, can you hear me?” He hadn't even realized that Toph had gotten the board and the pieces out. Zuko sits down and begins to quickly set the board up, hoping Toph wouldn’t notice his hammering heart. But of course she did.

“Hey, Sparky, what’s wrong? Don’t lie to me, I know when you’re full of shit.” Toph reaches her hand over to him, taking his in her own. She looks uncharacteristically soft and gentle.

Zuko bites his lip, looking down. “I’m sorry…I just can’t stop thinking about Jet. Ca-can I sleep with you tonight? It’s going to be bad, I know it and I don’t want to be alone. I-I know I’m gonna start having nightmares about Jet again tonight.” He says softly, biting his lip again after he finishes speaking. 

He watches Toph’s body tense with rage, her hand pulling away from his and punches the bottom of the ship, dentling it. 

Zuko flinches back, wrapping his arms around himself. “I-I’m sorry, Toph…I won’t keep you up. I’ll sleep on the deck. That was stupid, I’m sorry. I won’t keep you up, I’m sorry.” He says frantically, hoping it will calm her down. Hoping she won’t attack him for trying to take more from her than she was already giving. He wraps his arms around himself tighter, tensing, ready for her to lash out. If she decided to attack him, there was nothing he could do to stop her. He’s in a ship surrounded by metal, she would win, him attacking would only provoke her. On top of that, the others would hate him more for fighting Toph and hurting her. They would all know that Zuko had done something to deserve pain, Toph hadn’t. It would all be over, Sokka would really hate him then. It would completely shatter him if Sokka came to show how he felt, and Sokka would know that. He’s safe, kind, and gentle. Being struck by Sokka would shatter him beyond repair. He could deal with blows from Toph, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how deep it cut to watch his closest friend realize that he needed to be kept in his place. That he is only ever allowed to take what was offered to him. It would hurt for her to realize that father had been right to do everything he had to him, along with everyone else who had hurt him. However, nothing could compare to Sokka realizing that. 

Toph moves towards him and he flinches back, shielding his face, trying to stop his body from trembling. He feels her arms gently wrap around his waist, holding him close to her. She doesn’t make any move to hurt him. 

“Zuko, of course you can sleep with me tonight. I’m not angry at you. I’m so angry at what people have done to you for so long. I’m angry at Jet. I’m going to fucking destroy him. I’m never going to let anyone hurt you ever again. Do your guards keep you safe, Zuko? Like, do they make you feel safe?” 

Zuko looks up at her, not really sure what’s happening. Is she not angry at him? Zuko quickly wraps his arms around her, clutching her tightly. If she’s pressed against him it will be harder for her to hurt him without injuring herself as well. He slowly begins to calm himself, steadying his breathing and heart rate. Toph gently rubs his back, repeating over and over that she isn’t angry with him, that she isn’t going to hurt him.

When Zuko finds his voice after Agni knows how long, the first thing he does is apologize for breaking down and thank her for not hurting him. “I’m so sorry, T-Toph. I-I need to learn to keep it together. I’m sorry…thank you f-for not hurting me. I-I can’t take it from y-you o-or someone e-else who’s k-kind.” He whimpers, clutching her a little tighter. 

“Zuko, never thank anyone for not hurting you. You don’t deserve to be hurt, I don’t care what your father told you, he was wrong to make you believe that and wrong to hurt you. Everyone else who has contributed to making you think you should expect to be hurt is wrong as well. I don’t want to hear you try and justify it, they were wrong, Zuko. Do your current guards make you feel safe?”

_ They were right, Toph. So many people have done the same thing to me over and over again. They wouldn’t have all done it if something about me didn’t make it okay. If something about me didn’t make me less. You don’t understand, Toph. You’re worthy…I’m not. I never will be. I never can be.  _ He doesn’t say any of that to her. He doesn't want to coax her into hurting him. That last question is confusing. He thinks for a moment before shaking his head. “N-No…only team avatar, the women in the kitchen, and uncle make me feel safe.” He presses his body closer to Toph’s. She makes him feel safe. 

“Does team avatar include Suki?” She asks after a long moment of silence. 

Zuko looks at her quizzically. “Of course she does. We wouldn’t have won if it wasn’t for her. You and Sokka wouldn't have made it either.” He cringes a little when he implies that he himself is a part of team avatar.  _ You joined at the last minute, you did more harm than good. You’re not one of them, you never will be. They’re good, kind, merciful, worthy. You’re none of those things. You never can be, you never will be.  _ He hates the sound of his father’s voice more than he could possibly say. He hates that father is right. He hates that father doesn’t lie.

“Well, the Kyoshi warriors really don’t have much to do for now. They don’t really have any new recruits besides Ty Lee and that was because she wanted to find a group of people she fit into, not because she wanted to learn to fight. No one really wants to fight after the war has ended and they don’t need to defend their island. It’s a big reason why now Suki and Sokka have just been fixing problems they find. You could ask the Kyoshi warriors to be your bodyguards. It would be steady work for them and Sokka will want to come to the Fire Nation at some point to start training to be the ambassador and he would want to be with his girlfriend. He would probably come up sooner. You could feel safer, Zuko. I know you’re going to get professional help but you need to feel safe as soon as you can you deserve that.”

Zuko shakes his head. He wants that so badly. He wants the Kyoshi warriors to be in the palace. He wants to see them again, he wants to feel safe again in his own home. He wants to feel like the guards aren’t going to lash out at him despite the fact that Zuko could take them. He wants Sokka to be here. He wants to hear his stupid jokes and listen to him go on about how hungry he is no matter how much he eats. He wants to hear him laugh and see him just do impulsive, stupid stuff at every given moment for his own entertainment. He wants to hear Sokka’s calming voice telling Zuko that he’s going to be okay. That he isn’t worthless, isn’t broken, isn’t a lost cause. He wants to feel Sokka’s fingers run gently through his hair. He wants to feel safe, really safe so, so badly. He wants Suki and Sokka here. He wants Mai and Ty Lee here. He wants the rest of the Kyoshi warriors here. 

“Why don’t you want them here, Zuko? What would make you feel safe if not that?”

Zuko lets out a small cry. “I-I do wa-want them here…Suki hates me. She’ll never want Sokka to see me again after what I did. I-I’m never going to g-get to see him again. He said h-he was going to tell her a-as soon as he got back. I-I haven’t heard from him since h-he left. Suki will never want to see me, she’ll n-never let me s-see Sokka. I doubt he’ll be ambassador now. He i-isn’t st-stupid enought to choose me over Suki. I’m n-not worth it.” 

Toph grips Zuko impossibly tighter. “I never want to hear you say that ever again. You’re so worth it. I wouldn’t come to the Fire Nation regularly if I didn’t want to see you. You’ve been abused and manipulated your entire life. Fuck everyone who says otherwise. I don’t care who they are. Fuck them. I love you Zuko. You’re so worth it. I’m gonna figure something out for you with Suki, alright? I promise no one will get hurt. If she is angry at you, I’ll tell her that you didn’t know I reached out to her. I want you to feel safe, Zuko. I’ve been scared for extended periods of time before and it is fucking exaughsting. I can’t imagine being scared all the time. I want you to be safe. To know that you are safe.”

Zuko nods. “I-I need that too.”

  
  


Several hours after Zuko had started breaking down, Toph insists that they eat something. They move up to the deck so Zuko can cook without smoking them out. His aunts had prepared an assortment of cured meats that Zuko was able to cook easily with his bending for both himself and Toph despite the fact that Zuko feels sick. Zuko hands Toph her food and just turns his own in his hands, biting his lip feeling so frustrated with himself.  _ You can’t even fucking feed yourself. How do you expect to be able to run a nation? To keep your friends? To stay alive? You’re nothing but a burden. A disgrace. I should have thrown you off of the palace walls when you were born, I- _

Zuko jumps up from his seat and runs to the side of the ship, vomiting over the side, gripping the edge tightly, trembling. Every single word that he hears from father cuts so deep, makes him feel so sick, he can’t stand it. 

“Zuko!” Toph cries from behind him, grabbing his arm. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

Zuko shakes his head. “I-I can h-hear father. I can hear him. I-I feel like Jet is going to find me…h-he’s going t-to hurt me. I just…I-I want to be safe, Toph. I  _ need  _ to be safe from him, from both of them.” He falls to his knees, sobbing.

Toph touches his back gently, rubbing her hand in small circles. “Zuko…Jet is camped out near my school, it’s how I know that he’s alive. If you want, you can be safe in my school, in my territory and you can see him. I’ll bring him to the school. I won’t let him hurt you, I won’t let him touch you, I won’t let him get anywhere near you. It might be the best way to get him out of your mind, make you less scared of him. Do you want that?”

Zuko nods, whimpering quietly. “I-I want h-him o-out. N-need t-to be safe.” 

“Okay, Sparky. I’ll get him while you’re at the school. I promise that I will protect you. I know you could take him, but if you freeze and he tries anything, I’ll sink his feet in metal. I promise.”

Zuko sits up, wrapping his arms around Toph, breathing slowly. “I trust you.” 

  
  


The next three days pass nicely. Zuko teaches Toph to play Pai Sho to a degree. She understands the basic rules of it but still gets easily frustrated with it. They make the ship go irresponsibly fast and almost crash several times. They build more obstacle courses which Toph, once again, cheats at. It’s nice. It doesn’t stop Zuko’s sleep being filled with vivid nightmares of Jet. One night he woke up screaming, scratching at his skin, trying to get the feeling of Jet’s hands off of him. Trying to scratch his body clean. Trying to save himself. Toph had spent hours after that holding him, running her fingers through his hair and pressing soft kisses to the top of his head. Running her hands slowly and gently down his body, replacing the feeling of Jet’s greedy hands with her caring ones. 

Toph must have intentionally built her school an uninhabited coastline for the purpose of sailing on her stolen ship. Toph buries her ship in stone and dents the hull so that it appears irreparable. It is to anyone who isn’t a metalbender, which is almost everyone. 

They begin the short walk back to the school. It’s a beautiful evening, the sun will be setting soon and Zuko wants to watch it. Agni’s fall and rise always calmed him. He needs to feel calm now. Toph is safe. She’s kind, gentle, and loving. She would never do anything to hurt him. However, Jet being so fresh in his mind is still overwhelming. It makes him feel weak and scared. He needs to feel calm and secure. 

“Hey, do you want to stay in one of the rooms that no one is in for now or do you want to stay in mine. I don’t care what you do, but if you don’t want to be alone or if you do, it’s your choice. Please don’t do what you think I want. What I want is for you to feel safe. I know seeing Jet again is going to be hard for you.”

Zuko bites his lip, touching his crown in reassurance. “I-I want to stay with you. You’re safe.” His voice is just above a whisper as they walk through the front doors of the school into an area, likely where they practiced and sparred. It’s large and made of stone lined with long houses, likely dormitories. The students did stay here, many of them likely older than Toph herself. He doubts that anyone gives her shit for that, if they do, they would  _ definitely  _ learn quickly.

“Go up those stairs and on the right there will be a door with a statue of me on either side, that’s where I’m staying. You can unpack and get settled in. Can you take my bag up as well? There is something I need to do, I’ll be back in about half an hour, I promise.” 

Zuko nods, taking it and walking away as Toph sprint, the land subtly shifting with her, propelling her forward faster. Zuko walks up the stairs on the far side of the arena and sure enough, Toph’s door has two statues of her on either side. 

Zuko walks in and it is kinda what he expected to find. There are clothes strewn about the room, most of them dirty, Zuko would have to do something about that, cleaning calmed him. There is no bed or mat, just a tangle of blankets in the middle of the floor. Zuko sets down his bags and begins to fold the blankets despite the fact that Toph would be sleeping soon.

He sets out his mat near Toph’s blankets and folds his blankets near the bottom of the mat. He then goes around, picking up all of Toph’s dirty clothes and putting them in a pile in a corner. He will wash them tomorrow. 

He is cleaning up some miscellaneous debris when he hears Toph screaming. “Zuko! Get your angsty butt down here! I have something for you!” 

Zuko gets up and walks down the stairs quickly. “Toph, your room is fucking fithy, I’m going to at least wash your clothes tomorrow, ho-” Zuko feels his blood run cold and his words stick in his throat. Not even 100 feet from him Toph is standing behind a kneeling man, holding his arms behind his back. Tan skin, dark brown hair, wearing shabby blue, red, and brown clothes along with miscellaneous armor pieces, and the stupid fucking wheat stalk in his mouth. 

Zuko can’t breath, he can’t think, he can’t scream. He can just stand and stare at the man who had been haunting his dreams since he was arrested. The man who had caused him so much pain, confusion, humiliation and grief for so long. The man who had finally broken him after years of people making cracks and stealing pieces of his soul. 

Jet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much like Zuko alters his body temperature so people snuggle with him, I intentionally make my hair really soft so people will want to play with it:)  
> I hope that you like it, let me know what you think.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it is a little early but het, 12:30 am is still Wednesday. Can't fall asleep yet because anxiety for 2 tests that I have finally finished studying for and hope they go well. I hope that you guys like this chapter, I personally really liked it, we have sad bois and angry Toph, per usual.  
> Irrelevant to the story at all but me and my friend are going to go get our first tattoos on Friday and I have a date on Sunday so I have things to look forward to:)

Zuko remembers the first interaction he ever had with Jet. It was nice. Nothing seemed to go wrong. He, Jet, and the freedom fighters, Jet’s family, had stolen food from the capitan. They had shared it with the people around them. It had been the first time Zuko had felt alive since Azula had come to arrest him and uncle. It was the first time in a long time that he felt like he wasn’t just a mistake left to suffer because of his faults. Faults coming to light by his own creator’s hands. 

He remembers that after they had eaten, Jet had pulled Zuko into a hidden part of the ferry and pressed his lips to Zuko’s. He had pressed his lips to his neck, fingers running through his hair. Zuko had done the same. It was as far as it had gone that first time. It was as far as he wanted to go. It had felt nice. It was the only time Zuko didn’t cry from humiliation and despair Jet had left in his heart and soul. The next time that Zuko had seen Jet was when the memories began to terrorize him. 

The next time, Jet had showed up near the tea shop after Zuko got off of work. Jet had pulled him away to where he was staying and pushed him against the wall kissing him. Kisses that left marks from his teeth. Zuko had pushed him away and told him to stop. Jet had told him to get out. After that, Zuko let Jet do whatever he wanted to his trembling body, not wanting to be sent away. Not wanting to be abandoned. Not wanting to be cast away by anyone else.

Despite Zuko’s efforts to save his soul from abandonment, he had allowed Jet to tear it apart with cruelty. Zuko had only succeeded in getting himself hurt more in an attempt to protect himself. _And you know who’s fault that is._ Zuko does agree with his father on that. He should have left, should have told uncle everything and begged him to not throw him out for being gay. He should have apologized to uncle for everything and broken down in his arms. Should have let go of his anger long ago. He wouldn’t have betrayed Katara if he had made the right choice then. His life is just a combination of wrong choices made because of wrong choices and one good one. He had only done one good thing in his life and it would still never be enough to redeem him. It was barely enough to not damn him.

Zuko feels hard, cold ground come in contact with his knees, with his right hand, and his left elbow and forearm. He can feel the skin tear, can feel blood flowing from the fresh wounds but he can’t see anything. He doesn’t register the pain from the cuts, he can just feel it happening. Like he is receiving the information but can’t comprehend it. He is simply aware of it, not fully in tune with his body.

He can’t see right, his vision is blurred with more than his tears. He can’t breath, every breath makes it feel like he is inhaling razors and is never satiating his need for air. He can’t stop shaking, can’t stop crying. Jet is here, he’s too close, far too close. Zuko can hear his voice. He can hear him saying his old alias ‘Lee’ and Zuko can’t even force himself to scramble away. He _needs_ to get away. He needs to be safe.

He can hear screaming. Jet and Toph’s voices. The only thing he can pick out is Toph screaming over and over again: ‘what the fuck did you do to him?’ Jet sounds scared. Zuko tries to look up, to see what’s going on…his vision is too blurred to make anything out. “T-Toph.” He manages to squeak out between gasping breaths. He needs her here. He needs her now. He can’t see anything and he needs to know that she is here to have something to ground him. 

“Hey, Zuko, it’s me. It’s Toph. Can I touch you? Don’t throw fire at me.” Zuko looks around frantically, unable to see her or anything else. He can’t get anything else out but choked cries. He _needs_ her to hold him, to keep him safe. He reaches his right hand out, trying to search for her hand, her face, just trying to find Toph. Trying to find safety. 

He feels Toph’s hand in his own, and then feels her arm around his waist, pulling him against her body. Zuko collapses against her, sobbing uncontrollably. “It’s alright, Sparky. He can’t get to you right now. I made sure of that. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You’re alright. I promised that I would always protect you. I will.”

Zuko drags himself closer to her, needing to feel safe, not caring as he feels his knees and left hand scrape against the ground. Toph takes his other hand and holds it to her chest, moving closer to Zuko, practically pulling his scrawny body onto her lap. 

“Zuko, please don’t hurt yourself. I’m here, I’ve got you. Here, lay down. Put your head on my lap and calm down. Breath. Rest. Calm down. No one can get to you. Just do what I say when I move you, alright? Can you hear me?” Zuko nods, whimpering loudly.

“Okay, I’m going to let go of you. Only for a moment. I need you to get off of me. I won’t leave you. I promise. I would never leave you like this. Never. Can you do that? Move back some and let go.”

Zuko does that, unable to stop himself from crying when he feels Toph’s dense, strong body move away from him. He needs her with him. He needs to be able to touch her, to know that she is here. He wraps his arms around himself, digging his nails into his arm, trembling violently. 

“Zuko, hey, don’t do that, I’m right here.” He feels Toph pull his hand away from his arm. “We’re going to lay you down now, alright? Just move with me. I’ve got you, I got you. I love you, Sparky. I got you.” He feels Toph gently guide him down, resting his head on her lap. She slowly runs her hand down his arm with one hand, rubbing his stomach with the other. “It’s alright, it’s alright. You’re safe. I’ve got you. No one is going to hurt you. I won’t let them.”

“Lee? Y-you’re the fucking Fire Lord I…”

_You deserved everything he did to you. You deserved so much worse. He was merciful. He…_

“I-I’m sorry for hurting you so badly, I was angry, and I know it’s not an excuse…”

_More people are going to do this to you. Others already have. You know you deserve it. You’re the only common denominator in every one of these instances. You know you aren’t worth anything else, you know…_

It’s too much. Father’s and Jet’s voices cornering him in the back of his mind, drowning out Toph’s, making him vulnerable. Making him weak. He can’t deal with it. “Sh-shut up! J-Just e-everyone sh-shut up!” He manages to scream, covering his ears with his hands, trembling violently. Toph’s hands continue to touch him gently. He needs her so badly.

He doesn’t hear Jet say anything else and he hears Toph kind of humming and singing something that it seems like she doesn’t know the full tune of. Let alone the words. He is deeply confused for a moment, because where Toph does enjoy music, he has never known her to play any let alone sing. He suddenly realizes she is trying to help him drown out his father’s voice, she is trying to calm him down, make him feel safe. She is one of the few people who knows he can hear father. She is doing this despite the fact that Jet could hear her and if any of the three students were currently here. Zuko would never make fun of her for singing or humming to him, however, if he did, she would annihilate him. Also it’s one of the kindest gestures she’s offered him.

Zuko removes his hands from his ears, wrapping his arms around Toph’s waist. “Thank you…love you.” He mumbles, feeling like he needed her to know how grateful he is for her. That he understands that she is doing this to help him even if it makes her feel…weird? Stupid? Doesn’t matter, she’s extending a very soft and intimate part of herself to help calm Zuko when he needs her. He knows he would do anything to make her happy…to find a way to thank her so she wouldn’t leave him.

Zuko’s heart rate and breathing slowly begin to return to within the bounds of ‘normal’. He begins to feel calm and somewhat secure. Toph gently cups his face in her hand. “Hey, Sparky, you feeling better? Will you sit up? It’s just me, you, and Jet. Jet can’t get anywhere near you even if he wanted to and he hasn’t tried to move once. You’re safe. I promise you you’re safe. Also, Jet won’t speak to you unless he is directly addressed. _Won’t_ you, Jet?” Her voice is soft except for the last part, she growls that

“Y-Yes.” Jet’s voice is small and panicked. 

Zuko begins to lift his head, still trembling, still clutching onto the fabric of Toph’s clothes. He eventually finds himself in a sitting position, moving his hands down to Toph’s hand, never once breaking contact with her arm as he moves. He blinks multiple times, clearing his vision, unable to bring himself to look at Jet.

“Zuko, what the fuck did he do to you. I figured it was bad…but Zuko. What the fuck? Toph’s voice is full of horror, her calloused hands and strong arms keeping him safe in her firm but gentle grasp 

Zuko shakes his head, not really wanting to unpack this right now. He would have plenty of time to talk to Toph. He could slowly tell her everything. He just couldn’t do it right now. He couldn’t go into it. 

It takes him a few tries, but he lifts his head, focing his eyes to stay on Jet and not flit away. The first thing he notices is that Jet’s face had multiple forming bruises on it and his nose is bleeding, likely given from Toph when she was demanding to know what he had done to Zuko. Jet’s left foot is encased in rock so that he can’t move from the spot and he is sitting in an awkward but overall not a position that seems particularly painful or uncomfortable. 

Jet looks pretty much the same as he did before. Similar clothes, hair, but he looks a bit older. He doesn’t look too bad overall. What surprises Zuko the most is that Jet has neither his overconfident smirk nor mistrustful or angry scowl on his face. He reasonably looks nervous, anyone threatened by Toph would be, but he looks somewhat sad, confused and overall…guilty, ashamed even. 

Zuko fumbles at his side, removing the waterskin from his belt, drinking some of it to replenish the water he had lost from crying. He then closes it and slides it over the floor to Jet. “Y-You’re a-alive.” The comment is awkward and painfully obvious, but Zuko can’t think of anything else to say. He knows that he has to initiate any form of conversation after what Toph had told Jet. It wouldn’t do him any good just to sit here clutching Toph like an idiot. He sure as fuck wasn’t going anywhere near Jet where he could touch him. Zuko shivers at the thought. 

Jet picks up the waterskin after a moment, drinking from it. He closes it, holding it in his hands, looking down. “Uh…Lee…Zuko…Lee…I’m sorry.” 

That was not at all what Zuko was expecting from him. Zuko was expecting Jet to mock him for his weakness, to tell him he had deserved worse, to tell him it was what he was good for. He didn’t at all expect Jet to fucking apologize to him. Zuko isn’t sure if this makes things better or worse. 

It makes things better because Jet is saying that Zuko didn’t deserve what he had done to him. That Zuko isn’t property, that Jet doesn’t own him. Jet is admitting that he was wrong to tear the last shreds of Zuko’s soul from him, that he regrets hurting him in a way that he may never fully recover from. There isn’t force in Jet’s voice…just shame. It makes things better because for the first time, someone who broke Zuko is admitting that they were wrong. That he didn’t deserve it. That there isn’t something about him that makes this okay.

It makes it worse because it makes things more…complicated. Father had never regretted anything he had ever done to Zuko, his son. He had relished in Zuko’s fear, mocking him as he broke down when facing the man of his nightmares. Despite the fact that that had made Zuko feel as those he had deserved what father had done to him…it made father seem like some…inhuman monster. This extension of regret from Jet is far too human, too gentle. It makes it seem like less that Jet had been looking for someone to hurt, and more like he was someone who had been broken by the world as well. Someone who had been broken by the war and had taken his pain out on Zuko, a firebender. Zuko can’t remember too much about Jet personally, but he knows that Jet and his Freedom Fighters were all orphaned by the Fire Nation. 

Zuko meets Jet’s eyes for a moment. Zuko remembers they had held so much anger and resentment when he and Jet were together. Now they just hold an empty sadness. Something that Zuko himself had almost exclusively experienced since the war ended as well. 

Zuko lets out a long breath, looking back down at the ground. “I’m sorry too.” 

“What the fuck are you apologizing to _him_ for? You panicked as much as when you saw your father. I barely know any of the fucked up shit that monster did to you personally and I doubt you’re telling me everything. I know everything Ozai did to the world and it sounds like he showed you no mercy either. What did Jet do to you? Whatever it is, don’t apologize to him.”

Jet snaps more into attention. “Wait, Lee or Zuko or…whichever. You’re _actually_ the Fire Lord.” He gestures to the crown on his head, probably saying it could simply not be real. Zuko flinches when Jet moves, holding Toph closer. “I would have assumed Ozai would have had some mercy for his family…what were you doing in Ba Sing Se then? Why didn’t you kill me then if you were this scared of me? I-I’m sorry I hurt you this badly, I shouldn’t have toyed with you, just turned you in, but can someone please explain to me what the actual fuck is going on and why the Avatar’s scary earthbending teacher grabbed me while I was trying to make dinner and dragged me here?”

He can see Toph’s face darkening as she stands, pulling her arms from Zuko’s hold. The moment that he can’t feel Toph in any way he can feel Jet’s hands and mouth traveling down his body. He yelps, lunging forwards and gripping Toph’s leg, trembling. “D-Don’t go.” He whimpers, holding her a little tighter, pressing his forehead against her knee.

He feels Toph’s hand brush against his face. “I’m not leaving you, Sparky. I would _never_ leave you like this. I’m just gonna go b-”

“T-Toph i-if I- I can’t f-feel y-you I-I feel him t-touching me…c-can’t feel him…h-he’s already here, ca-can’t feel him too.”

Arms wrap around him and he’s pulled back against Toph’s chest, her hands running down his back. “Jet, you’re going to tell me _exactly_ what you fucking did to him. Don’t give me bullshit, I can tell if you’re lying. I don’t know too much, but I know you were a couple and the fact that he has had fucking _nightmares_ about you and will wake up screaming and crying saying he can feel you _touching_ him, I have a pretty fucking good idea. You better hope I’m fucking wrong.”

Zuko hears the two of them arguing. Well, mostly Toph screaming at Jet in a louder and louder voice, threatening him and demanding he told her what happened. Screaming at him that what he had done to Zuko was horrible and how he was going to suffer for it. Jet was mostly apologizing and promising that neither she nor Zuko would ever have to see him again if she let him live. Too much of it was Toph telling Jet what was going to happen. Deciding what was going to happen as if Zuko couldn’t decide for himself. As if he wasn’t there. As if his voice doesn’t matter.

_It doesn’t. You’re a thing. You’re to be owned, controlled, manipulated. It’s not like it’s hard to do so. It’s actually pathetic. All someone has to do is show the slightest bit of interest in you and you’re at their bidding. The women in the kitchen could get you to do whatever they wanted for them, and what do they do? Have you come sit in the corner of a kitchen and talk to you a few hours a day and just like that they could have full control over you. You let yourself be owned. You let yourself be controlled. You let yourself be used. You let Jet do everything he did just because you didn’t want to be alone. Toph could get you to do anything, she’s already convinced you to see someone you were adamant against seeing. She knows how to control you when you’re broken. She knows what you let happen. She knows you’re dirty, filthy, used. You let a fucking blind 13 year old girl and 5 elderly servant women have so much fucking control over you for scraps of kindness. You’re weak, pathetic, a disgrace. No wonder no one could ever love you, no wonder your mother left, no wonder everyone just uses you for whatever good you have and then casts you aside. Get fucking used to it. You’re just a thing._

Zuko shoves Toph away, covering his ears, trying to block out his father’s voice. “Sh-shut the fuck up! I-I’m n-not property! P-people d-don’t o-own me! Sh-shut u-up! I-I don’t! L-Leave m-me alone! Ha-haven’t you d-done enough t-to me? L-leave me alone! Toph wouldn’t do that! Sh-she doesn’t think that!” He screams, scrambling away from Toph and Jet. 

“Sparky, it’s alright, calm down. Look at me, I need you to breathe.”

“Who is he talking to? What the fuck is going on?”

_Pain distracts the mind, Zuko. You know this. You should have at least learned that from me considering it was the only lesson you seemed to get. You can’t even learn from your fucking pain? You’re worthless. You know how to quiet me. It will also be exactly what you deserve. Do it. You deserve it._

“F-For what? Wh-what d-did I do t-to deserve it?”

_Be born a failure, Zuko. Proving that over and over again. Needing help just being alive. Being nothing but a burden to everyone around you. For thinking that love will get you anywhere. That’s what._

Zuko nods once, whimpering. He doesn’t care if he deserves it or not, he needs father to be quiet. Flame erupts from his hand and he presses it to his stomach, father’s words fading as he screams, falling back to his left hand and knees. He presses his right hand against the material of his clothes, feeling it burn away, the smell of burning flesh reaching him as he tries to scream again but is cut off by beginning to dry heave. 

He feels his hand being forcefully pulled away…he feels hands on his other arm, pulling it away from his body as well. The hands feel different, and like there are two hands on each arm. Zuko hadn’t seen any of Toph’s students here despite the fact she had claimed their presence. She had promised that Jet wouldn’t touch him but they feel like his hands. Zuko just screams, struggling wildly and blindly. 

“Zuko! Calm down! If you don’t stop right now I’m pinning you to the ground! You can scream, you can cry, but you need to stop struggling and no firebending. None.” Toph is screaming at him. She doesn’t sound angry, she sounds scared. No, terrified. But she also sounds like there are tears in her voice. Like she is upset.

All Zuko can bring himself to do is nod, unable to stop crying. “Hey, there is medical supplies in that building under a large, stone desk. Get it and come back immediately. Try and run off right now I will chase you down and break your fucking legs. Got it?” He hears Toph yell. He feels the hands that feel like Jet’s move from him and he feels Toph touch his face. 

“Hey, Zuko, can you hear me? What the fuck just happened? I need you to talk to me. I will always keep you safe but I need to know what the fuck that was.” She sounds desperate. “Zuko! Look at me, please. Try and think about Sokka. Think about how he would want you to be safe and cared for. Think about your aunts and uncle and how they have only ever wanted to protect and love you. Think about me, I just want you to understand that you’re worth something Zuko.” Her voice breaks at the last part and she starts crying.

“Why don’t you understand you mean so much to me? Why don’t you understand you have worth just because you’re you? I love you so much, Zuko. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t.” She sobs, feeling his shoulder getting wet with her tears. “I-I love you so much and you’re worth so much. I’m sorry the world has convinced you otherwise.”

“I…uh, got the first aid kit, wha-”

“I want you to fucking help him, jackass. I’m fucking blind, I can’t really preceave his wound well. You were a leader to some kids in the woods fighting firebenders. I’m sure you assholes got plenty of burns. Just help him or I will send rock through your heart. Got it?” He hears Toph yell as she moves him, resting his head in her lab and gripping his wrists in her hands and pulling them above his head so he can’t move much.

What he is most aware of is the fact that she is talking to Jet. Jet is loose, he’s going to touch him. He’s going to hurt him. Zuko sees a figure through his tears moving towards him, kneeling down. It has to be Jet.

Zuko begins thrashing wildly, mostly kicking his legs out. “You said you’d protect me! Y-You said you wouldn’t let h-him touch me again! Get h-him away! Get him away from me! H-He’s gonna hurt me! You said you'd protect me!” He screams as loud as he can, considering throwing fire at Toph. If he did, she would let go. If he did, he would burn her. If he did, he would be alone. Sokka would hate him, knowing he was worthless. Evil. Disgusting. If he didn’t Jet would _touch_ him again. He couldn’t feel Jet’s hands against his skin again. Against his abdomen with his hands pinned like this, helpless and scared. It would haunt him for months, knowing he still wasn’t safe. He isn’t sure if he can bear it. He knows he can’t bear losing Sokka.

So he stops screaming, he stops thrashing, he just goes limp and cries and begs. He can barely breathe, breath not replacing his hiccuping sobs. “D-don’t l-let him t-touch m-me, Toph. Pl-please, do-don’t le-let him t-touch m-me. Please, I-I don’t want him t-to touch me. I-I don’t want t-to be a thing…d-don’t want t-to be his. D-don’t ma-make me, please.”

Toph moves her hands from his wrists and holds his hands in hers. “Alright, Sparky. Alright. I need him close to be my eyes, but he won’t touch you. I will. Is that alright? Just breathe, we won’t do anything until you calm down a little more. Just breathe. Jet won’t touch you. If he does, it will be the last thing he ever does again.”

Toph helps him sit up, pressing a kiss to the back of his head. He blinks several times and wipes his tears away with his shaking hands. It’s only then that he realizes that his robes have been removed and he’s just in his pants. He quickly glances down at the burn he made. It’s large, but not too bad. Maybe some in the middle in 2nd degree but mostly 1st. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. 

He bites his lip and looks up, flinching when he makes eye contact with Jet who is…crying. He isn’t even trying to wipe his tears away, isn’t trying to look tough or anything. He just looks so sad and so overwhelmingly guilty. 

“Would you prefer me to call you Lee or Zuko?” Jet asks as he begins soaking a cloth in cold water, handing it to Toph who gently presses it to his burn, causing Zuko to flinch in pain.

Zuko takes the cloth from Toph, wanting to do it himself. “Zuko.” He whispers softly after a full minute, unable to look at Jet anymore.

Jet nods once. “Zuko…I…words can't even begin to express how sorry I am. I didn’t…I shouldn’t…no, I’m not going to justify myself. I was angry at the Fire Nation as a whole and took it out on you specifically. I didn’t even consider that you may have been hurt by the war as well. I am so, so sorry for what I did to you. I know that can’t fix it…especially after…this. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that and I am so sorry. You don’t need to forgive me, I just want you to know that you did nothing to deserve it, it sounds like that wasn’t…I wasn’t the only person who…ya know…I’m sorry.” He looks at the ground, appearing ashamed.

“What, you aren’t the only fucking person who fucking _raped_ him? You piece of shit, y-”

“Toph!” Zuko yelps, really not wanting to continue this. Really not wanting to think of most…no, all of his sexual encounters as assault. Really not able to deal with the implications of that. He couldn’t do this now with his mind and body on edge. “Pl-please…not now. Just let it go for now…I can’t. Just need it to be calm. _Please_.”

He can feel that Toph wants to spring at Jet and demolish him. She doesn’t. She exhales, wrapping her arms around Zuko’s protectively, avoiding his burn. However, she doesn’t continue talking.

Zuko lets out a shaky breath, closing his eyes, letting more tears fall. “Th-thank you, Jet…It does help.” He whispers, resting his head against Toph’s chest, still shaking. 

“Don’t fucking thank him for saying you didn’t deserve to be fucking abused. He shouldn’t have to apologize because he shouldn’t have done this.” Toph growls, nuzzling Zuko gently. 

Zuko removes the cloth and holds his hand l centimeter from the burn. It isn’t giving off heat anymore. It can be treated. Zuko puts the cloth down, biting his lip softly, looking at Jet.

“Can I bandage you or do you want me to walk Toph through it. If you let me I swear I won’t do anything but bandage your burn. I won’t touch you anywhere else and I won’t hurt you. I swear.”

Zuko swallows. If he let Jet touch him, and he hurt him, Zuko would be haunted for so much longer. If he let Jet touch him, and he was gentle and helpful…maybe it would be the first, tiny step from moving away from the nightmares filled with Jet’s greedy hands and mouth. He nods nervously, clutching Toph tighter. “Pl-please don’t g-grab me.” He whimpers, unable to look at Jet out of sheer terror, burying his face in Toph’s neck.

He feels Toph gently remove his crown from his hair, pulling out his top knot and gently running her fingers through his hair. “You’re alright, Sparky. Everything he’s said has been genuine even if it doesn’t make up for a fucking thing. He hurts you, I’ll end him. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You’re alright.” She whispers, pressing her lips to his head.

“Zuko…I’m so sorry for what I did to you. I won’t hurt you anymore than I already have. I swear to you, I won’t do anything to hurt you again. I’m about to touch you. Just around the burn. I won’t hurt you. I’ll stop if you tell me to.” His voice is soft and even, but Zuko is unable to keep himself from flinching and whimpering when Jet’s fingers press against to burn, applying salve gently.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I know it doesn’t change anything or make up for it. I am so sorry.” 

It becomes a quiet montra of sorts. Zuko listens to Jet’s calming voice and repeats apologies, not looking for redemption or mercy. Voice filled with nothing but shame. The tips of his fingers brush as gently as possible across and around the burn, soothing it, wrapping it. Zuko feels a lot of his anxiety and horror of the man begin to dissipate. He isn’t sure what changed in Jet, but he knows that the man he once was had died under Lake Laogai. The man who had haunted Zuko’s nights for months is gone. 

Zuko eventually stops trembling, stops flinching at every movement Jet makes and just lays in Toph’s arms, sinking into her comfort. He let’s Toph’s fingers run through his hair, comforting him. Her tense body promises pain if Jet so much as even thinks of hurting Zuko again. He knows she’ll protect him. He doesn’t know why Jet is here, why he seems so genuinely guilty about what he did or how he survived, but he knows that Jet won’t hurt him. 

Finally, Jet pulls away and Zuko looks up at him, biting his lower lip, unsure. “Jet?” He whispers quietly, considering putting his robes back on but not wanting to let go of Toph, or get up and grab them. 

Jet looks up, meeting his eyes. He doesn’t look angry, malicious, proud, or anything really. He just looks exhausted. Not just from lack of sleep, but emotionally just exhausted. “Yeah?”

“Why aren’t you with the Freedom Fighters? Did something happen? Last I saw them, they hadn’t even mentioned you. I would have assumed they would have said something if you guys had a falling out.” Zuko’s eyes train onto the floor, unable to maintain eye contact any longer. Jet may have changed, but he still had stolen so much from Zuko’s fractured soul. Those were still the eyes of the man who had exploited his need for any kind of attention when his nation had turned its back on him. When he was cast out and on the run from his own family. 

“They’re still together? I assumed they split up after the war. No one was at camp when I got back to the forest. No one had been there in months.” There is a little bit of hope in his eyes, a small smile at the corner of his mouth. Jet moves forward and Zuko flinches back, feeling Toph’s body tense under him, ready to pounce.

“Pl-please don’t. Can’t yet.” He whispers, seeing Jet sit back down, legs crossed, looking apologetic bust still attentive. 

“Last I heard about them, they were in the colonies. They’ve likely moved by now, they’re kind of living a somewhat nomadic lifestyle as of now. I didn’t question them too much, they’re as stubborn as Toph and I’m not stupid enough to get into an argument with one of her even if she didn’t have her bending.” Toph playfully shoves his head to the side. She must have felt the tension from both Zuko and Jet leave and relaxed somewhat herself, not seeing Jet as much of a threat anymore. 

“Do you have any idea where they might be going? Or a place that they go to every so often. I don’t care if I have to wait wherever. I just want to find them. I’m so sorry for what I did to you and I know that you owe me nothing, but _please,_ Zuko. They’re my family. They’re who I have left.” He pleads.

Zuko bites his lip swallowing hard. He has no idea how Jet has been getting along without his family all this time. Zuko had thought that he had lost everyone who loved him, that they had abandoned him and it had shattered him. Making it painful to breathe. To live. If he lost uncle, his aunts, Toph, anyone else from team Avatar, he would break. He would really, truly break. Zuko doesn’t trust Jet at all, he doesn’t want him near him. Zuko doesn’t want to have to see him. He doesn’t want Jet to suffer, but he doesn’t want to be around him after everything Jet had done in Ba Sing Se. Despite that, the thought of leaving him in a way that Zuko dreaded for himself, alone and forgotten, broke his heart. It hurts more than the idea of being around Jet. 

“I have an option for you…but y-you _need_ to stay away from me. Y-You can’t touch me, don’t sneak up on me, don’t yell at me, or I’ll incinerate you. I’m n-not letting you hurt me again. I don’t care if you say you won’t, I don’t trust you. You need to promise me that while Toph is here, and I may have an option for you to find and get back to your family.”

Jet begins to move forward from his sitting position but clearly thinks better of it and returns to his previous position. “Yes. Please, I’ll do anything, Zuko. I won’t come anywhere near you ever again without your explicit permission. I won’t even speak to you without permission if that’s what you want. I don’t want to hurt you again. Please, know that I’m so sorry. I-I just want my family.” His voice is low but frantic, eyes wide, pleading.

Zuko turns to Toph who looks a little confused but is still holding Zuko gently, supporting him through this. Ready to jump in if she’s needed. “He’s being sincere.” She runs a hand through his hair again.

Zuko looks back at Jet, exhaling slowly. “You break that promise and I’ll have you fucking executed, Jet. I mean it.” Zuko really isn’t sure if he does or not. It really would depend what Jet did. “I’m not exactly sure when Toph and I are going back to the Fire Nation, but we can let you know when we are. You can come back with us. I can reach out and find out where the Freedom Fighters are. I can have you brought to them when they’re located. The whole time you’re at the Fire Nation and on the ship you _need_ to stay the fuck away from me.” The words begin to hitch as Zuko gets to the end of his sentence, pressing closer to Toph’s dense, sturdy body. 

“Sparky…are you sure that’s a good idea? H-”

“Th-thank you. I know I’ve done nothing to deserve kindness from you, but thank you, Zuko. For everything. I’ll do whatever you want me to. Thank you, I-”

“Jet…please go. We’ll come get you before we leave. I need you away from me. I-I can’t be around you. It’s still you that haunts me when I try to sleep…o-or when someone _touches_ me. Please go. I-I need you away…n-need to be safe.” He whimpers, clutching Toph closer, hiding his face in her chest again. 

He hears Jet stand, and his footsteps begging moving away. They come to a stop and they begin to move closer again and Zuko begins tensing until he feels cloth being laid over his bare back. He turns his head a little to see the red cloth of his robes draping over him. 

“I’m sorry, Zuko. If I could take any of it back, I would. I’m so sorry.” Where the last thing he hears Jet say before his footsteps begin to disappear. 

Zuko pulls away from Toph, putting his robes on properly, wanting to be covered again. “That wasn’t what I was expecting to happen, but I’m proud of you, Zuko. He hurt you, you don’t seem as scared or as upset. That doesn’t change the fact that I want to pull his spine out and beat him to death with it, but this is about you healing, not me avenging you,” She touches his cheek gently, running her thumb over his cheek bone.

“Thank you, Toph. I-I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you. I feel…less dirty.” He whispers. Jet had admitted he was in the wrong over and over again, not looking for forgiveness. Not looking for mercy. Zuko hadn’t done anything to deserve his cruelty. He hadn’t brought it upon himself. 

“Good, I’m glad.” Toph whispers, brushing her hand over his cheek. “Can you stand? We should get you inside. You need to rest. You need to eat and drink some water. You gotta take care of yourself. I love you, Sparky. You have to be alright.”

Zuko nods, leaning on Toph heavily as he stands on shaky legs. “I love you too, Toph.” Toph helps him slowly walk back to her room. He struggles a little up the stairs, but luckily there aren't many. He’s grateful that he had set up his mat earlier. He wouldn’t be able to now. 

When they get in, Zuko collapses in his mat, physically and emotionally exhausted. Toph sits next to him, handing him some fruit and jerky. She takes a large bite of an apple and Zuko can’t help but chuckle a little as she eats the core. 

“What? I’m getting my daily dose of arsenic. Back off and eat your damn food, Sparky. I didn’t want you firebending to cook anything so…jerky.” Zuko isn’t sure if she means that she knows he’s too tired to firebend or she doesn't trust him around fire right now. It may be both. He doesn’t ask. 

Zuko begins nibbling on his jerky, thinking about how much Sokka would love this dinner. He lets out a shaky breath. “Toph…I want to write to Suki about the Kyoshi warriors about coming. Y-You’re right. I want to feel safe. They make me feel safe.. Sokka would be here…I need him. I _need_ to feel safe again.” He takes another small bite of his jerky. 

Toph rests her hand on his shoulder. “Forgiving Jet wasn’t what I had intended you to do. I had hoped you would, I don’t know, go foosh foosh with fire or swing swing with swords. I wanted you to kill him if I didn’t make myself clear enough. But if you feel a little more worthy of love than you did before, I don’t care what you had to do. I’m happy for you. How about we write tonight? Before you lose the nerve?” 

“First of all, I didn’t forgive Jet. I still hate him so fucking much and I’m still so _scared_ of him. H-He broke me, Toph, and even if he regrets it now he fucking enjoyed it then. I didn’t forgive him. I don’t know if I ever can…I’m giving him a second chance, not with me, just at being him. Uncle gave me more chances than I deserved. I just…I understood how much it would fucking destroy me if I lost my found family. Like my aunts, uncle, you, the others. I-I don’t think I would survive it. The thought of me letting him lose his family…it hurt. I meant what I said to him though. If he even _tries_ anything, I will kill him. I-I’m not letting anyone do something like that to me ever again.” 

“You’re damn well right, Sparky. You deserve to be loved by someone kind and gentle. By someone who only demands your love and affection in return for theirs, nothing else. You deserve to be happy. So we’re gonna write that letter, and you’re going to send it. You’re going to be safe and then you’re going to find some nice, loving person and you can spoil each other. You can take them into town and buy them food and show them your favorite places, and they can snuggle with you at night and keep away the nightmares. You’ll be happy.”

Zuko feels tears prick in his eyes. He wants that so badly. Unfortunately, he wants that with Sokka. He hopes he can find someone as kind, as loving, and as gentle. Someone who would only touch him softly, never grab him, give him soft, affectionate kisses, and never demand more from him than he could give. He wants a slow, gentle love so badly.

“Well, Toph, if you know anyone who wants to date the mentally ill Fire Lord and be nice to him, let me know. I trust your judgement on who would be kind to me.”

Toph punches him very gently before handing him a piece of paper and a brush. “I’ll send anyone like that your way. You start writing to Suki while I figure out your type. Do you have a preference for men or women? I know you were in a relationship with Mai, the thing with Jin didn’t have much chemistry so doesn’t count, and you have a crush on Sokka. I can’t think of anyone more different than Sokka and Mai. Well, besides Mai and Ty Lee, but they seem to make it work. Sokka is a loud, annoying, idiot who wears his heart out on his sleeve and Mai is quiet and difficult to read even for me. I…what’s your type?” She cocks her head.

Zuko had begun writing at that point. “They’re both gentle with me. Mai never even _tried_ to take anything from me. She may be kinda prickly, but she was always very gentle. Even when she got mad, she didn’t yell at me, her movements were predictable when she wasn’t fighting in battle, she just liked spending time with me. She was content sitting somewhere just enjoying each other's company. We didn’t always talk, and when we did it wasn’t always important. I trusted her, she made me feel safe. She made me feel like she didn’t need my body to love me. Just…me. Similar to Sokka…he yells a lot, but never when he’s angry. He yells out of excitement and joy and about food, when he’s angry he gets quiet. He doesn’t resort to violence unless he is being threatened. He’s a tactician, he settles disagreements diplomatically. He’s gentle, kind, when he was at the palace he would just hold me close and make me feel safe. I-I just want safety and kindness. That’s all I want.” 

He hadn’t even realized that that was why he had liked Mai and Sokka and how they were similar at all until he said that. He had wondered why the two people he had liked romantically were as different as they are…but it does make sense now that he thinks about it. Sokka and Mai are safe and gentle. 

“Well that explains why I’m not your type. I’m sure as fuck not gentle. I just throw rocks at you.” She chuckles as Zuko rolls up the letter, handing it to Toph. 

“You may not be good for me as a girlfriend…but you’re safe, Toph. It’s why you’re my best friend. You may not be gentle or predictable, but I know that you’re safe. I know that you might threaten me constantly and punch my arm, but you would never actually hurt me. You would always protect me from myself and anyone who wanted to hurt me. I love you. You make me feel safe and loved even if you’re prickly as fuck.”

Toph chuckles softly, kissing Zuko’s forehead. “You’re damn right I’ll always protect you, Sparky. Try and get some sleep, you’re exhausted. You’ll be anxious tomorrow if you don’t sleep now.”

Zuko nods, laying down. “Will you snuggle with me? Don’t think I can handle nightmares tonight as well as seeing Jet.” He says softly. Toph doesn’t even say anything, she just drags her blankets over and curls up against Zuko’s torso, allowing him to wrap his arms around her.

“I love you.” He whispers before falling into a deep, much needed sleep. 

  
  
  


Zuko wakes up to the feeling of Toph’s fingers tracing the shape of his face gently. He opens his eyes, groaning a little. “Hey Toph…what are you doing up so early? I always wake up before you.” His voice is hushed and hoarse with sleep. 

Toph laughs softly. “You slept in, Sparky. Animals that come up after sunrise are up. Also, Koni is up and practicing. She usually gets up two hours after sunrise. If I couldn’t feel that your heart and breathing were normal for when you are sleeping, I would have been worried about you. You’re always up with the sun. Apparently, I don’t even know where the sun is. Also, if you tell me that the sun is ‘up’ I’m going to hit you.” 

Zuko snuggles closer against Toph. “Thank you for letting me sleep in Toph…thank you for helping me feel better. Things wouldn’t be getting better without your help. I know I give you a lot of shit, but seriously, if you're ever in a tough spot, personally, financially, or legally, I’ll do what I can. If it’s one of the latter two, I won’t think you’re taking advantage of my position. I’ll think you’re just reaching out to your friend for help who can pull the most strings. You’ve gone far out of your way time and time again to prove that you care. I promise I won’t tell anyone else that Toph Beifong has a soft spot, though.”

“Thanks, Sparky. I’m glad you’re doing better this morning. I was worried you wouldn’t be, so I already sent the letter to Suki. No backing out now. You’re getting love, protection, and support by people who care about you whether you like it or not.” She pokes his nose gently. “Also, get your ass up. Today’s activity: we throw rocks at things. I throw them with my mind and you throw them with your hands like a little bitch. Bitch ass non-earthbender firebender.”

Zuko sits up, stretching and yawning a little. “Let’s go.”

  
  
  


They don’t spend too much time at Toph’s school, just three full days. She does actually need to teach her students and Zuko needs to run his nation. It’s nice to see it and nice to just just be around Toph for a little. Feel her aggressive protectiveness over him. Her odd displays of affection. Her genuine care. 

What Zuko isn’t ready for is the trip back. He doesn’t want to be on a ship with Jet for several days. He doesn’t want Jet in the palace. He doesn’t want Jet near him. Zuko trusts Toph when she said that Jet had been genuine when he had apologized for everything he had done to Zuko is Ba Sing Se. It still doesn’t change the fact that it was Jet who took so much of what was left of Zuko from him. Jet, who didn’t care as he held Zuko’s shaking body as he cried quietly most nights after Jet had demanded more from Zuko’s body than he ever wanted to give to anyone. Not even Sokka. Threatening to leave him alone. Threatening to have him be forgotten by another person. Breaking him further. Making him need Jet more. Making it so Iroh had finally broken down, holding Zuko’s empty shell of a body in his arms, begging to know what was happening. Begging Zuko to break up with Jet after Zuko cracked and told him everything. 

Jet’s apology doesn’t take back the pain that uncle had been caused. Doesn’t take back the nightmares Zuko has and the fear of intimate touch he had developed. Zuko _wants_ to be able to let someone touch him again. Not necessarily sex…just being touched. Intimacy had never been something that had appealed to him. He didn’t develop an aversion to it until he had woken up in Zhao’s bed, head foggy, body sore. He had been pretty sure Zhao had put something in the tea he had been given earlier.

He had been too humiliated to say anything to uncle. Too humiliated to beg him to keep the man away from him. Been too proud and ashamed to admit that he had been preyed upon and assaulted by a middle aged creep when he was barely 15. He was pretty sure that uncle had figured it out, but he never said anything. Just held Zuko close to him on the raft as they sailed home from the Northern Water Tribe, telling him that Zhao was dead and would never be able to touch him ever again. Zuko was thankful he hadn’t gone into detail. Just held him.

Zuko _never_ wants to go that far with anyone ever again no matter who they are. No matter how gentle and kind. He does however want to be touched by them without feeling Jet’s hands. He doesn’t even know if he can do that.

He does want to be different than his father, than the people who hurt him. He wants to be like uncle. The man who had given him so many chances and so much love and support. The man, who despite being both a father and a leader, had found a way to raise a strong child and lead a strong army without being cruel. Found a way to make people feel loved and important despite his position. If Zuko ever wanted to be like uncle, he would need to extend kindness to those who had potential to change. To be better. Zuko had to give them the chances that uncle had given Zuko. He doubts he would ever forgive Jet, but that doesn’t mean that Jet can’t go on to do good things with his life. Form kind, healthy relationships with other people where he doesn’t destroy them like he did to Zuko. Where he brings them up and supports them like he did with his family.

He sees Toph and Jet walking towards the ship. Zuko had already packed everything, wanting to get settled in the area before Jet came. He wanted Jet to come to him, not Zuko coming to Jet. Zuko wanted to make the space his first. Wanted to be the one in control. He _needs_ to be in control. He can’t have Jet in control here. 

He takes a deep breath, shuttering a little as Jet walks onto the ship, taking a step back. Jet holds his bag awkwardly over his shoulder, looking at the ground. 

“Move, asshole.” Toph growls shoving Jet forward as she begins to undent the ship and get ready to set sail.

“Y-you might want to hold onto something…takeoff is rough.” Zuko says quietly, digging his fingernails into his arm. Jet looks like he wants to move forward, to keep him from hurting himself, something that would be too tender for a man like Jet. He doesn’t move towards Zuko, he just nods, gripping the side of the ship.

Zuko hurries below deck before Toph shoves the ship off from the land. He sits down against the wall in a small room to the side, burying his face in his arms. He begins crying quietly, he does not want Jet on this ship. He feels the ship violently jerk in lift off. The fate of the next few weeks of his life are sealed. It didn’t matter when they get back to the Fire Nation because Jet will still be there when they arrive. He’s going to be around Jet, the man who had finally broken him after years of torment from others. This was going to be awful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think. I think that Jet and Zuko would not have a good relationship overall once Jet found out that Zuko was a firebender. Considering the time that they met up was a really bad time in both of their lives where they had a lot of anger and hostility and Zuko was also just at a very vulnerable point in his life being a refugee from his home country and all it would not have ended well. Feel like a lot of Jet's anger about what the Fire Nation had done to him personally would be taken out on the wrong people.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping that I didn't just fail and Organic Chemistry test and that I drew thew the correct squiggles to get good grade. Those are the biology major vibes lol.  
> I hope that you guys like this one

So far, Jet had been staying away. That didn’t make Zuko feel much better. The thought that Jet could get to him terrified him to his very core. Toph had locked Jet in a room when she had first found Zuko breaking down on the ship, overwhelmed with fear of the man.

Despite that, Jet is still here. He’s too close and Zuko is going to be stuck with him. He was stupid enough to think that he could ever be someone kind and loving like uncle. Stupid to think that He would be able to become a better man by helping someone who had broken him. He offered to help the man who took so much from him. He can’t do it. 

Toph had stayed close to him the whole time. She had made sure to hold his hand, touch his back, run her fingers through his hair, or pull his head to her chest and hum softly when she could feel him beginning to get worked up. She had offered to take Jet back to the Earth Kingdom. She had told him that Zuko could contact the Freedom Fighters and tell them where Jet was, that they could come to him. Zuko wants to let her do that, he does, but he feels like he can’t.

Zuko had made a promise to Jet. Despite the fact that Toph had insisted over and over again that he owed Jet nothing. That Zuko would already be giving Jet more than he deserved by reaching out to the Freedom Fighters and letting Jet live at all. He still felt like he had to. Like he had already sealed his fate. 

Toph refused to leave him alone at all during the entire trip back. Zuko didn’t want her to. He needed her with him. Needed some of her strength. Her bravery. 

When they finally, albeit rather aggressively dock, she takes both of his hand and hers, eyes training about two inches below his which is a really good approximation for a blind girl. “Sparky, please remember that you’re in control here. You’re Zuko the Fire Lord, not Lee the refugee. You have power over Jet here, please remember that. Don’t let him get to you. He never has to be anywhere near you. Don’t give him control again. You know he might hurt you again. This is your last chance for me to take him back. You’ve shown him far more kindness already than most would have. You know I would have killed him.”

Zuko nods, biting his lip. “I know, Toph. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I love you so much. I want to see this through. I won’t let him hurt me. I promise you that.”

“On your honor?” Toph asks in a teasing voice.

Zuko chuckles softly. “On my honor.” 

  
  


Zuko had instructed guards outside to take Jet to any empty room in the lower floor of the palace and that Jet wouldn’t be there for long. He told them that Jet didn’t need to be guarded and as long as he didn’t cause any trouble. He would be allowed to roam the palace as he pleased but not leave beyond the outer walls separating the palace from the nobility. 

As soon as he sees Toph aggressively herding Jet off of the ship with a stick she found, he begins to slip away toward the kitchens. He wants to see his aunts. However, it is amusing to watch Toph repetitively hit Jet with a stick as if he needs to be directed where to go telling him to ‘walk better’. Zuko is grateful that Toph isn’t actually  _ hurting  _ Jet. He appears to be more deeply confused and irritated than in any pain.

When Zuko reaches the kitchens he vaughly registers someone in the room he doesn’t recognize but doesn’t spend enough time looking at them before he throws himself into the arms of Ezami who so happened to be the closest to the door and not holding anything when he rushes in. He can’t stop himself from breaking down in her arms, not holding back bitter sobs he had held in for the past several days. 

He feels himself being slowly led to the bench and sat down, warm, loving arms wrapped around him. He feels gentle hands removing his crown, letting his hair fall around his face and fingers running through it. He feels himself pulled against her chest, rocking him gently in her arms.

“You went to go see him didn’t you, Zuko?” Ezami says softly. Zuko can’t bring himself to speak, he just nods, clutching Ezami tighter, trying to calm himself down. 

“Did he hurt you again? Did he hurt Toph? Did he try and hurt you?” Zuko shakes his head again, trying to calm his breaths. As she rubs his back he vaughly hears Zelia’s voice speaking to someone, talking about leaving. She’s talking to someone with a male voice he doesn’t recognize. Zuko can’t pay too close attention to her and try to calm himself. Whoever it is, he trusts that Zelia wouldn’t speak gently to someone who would mean him harm and Ezami would protect him. 

He feels someone sit down next to him and rest their hand on his back, running their thumb over his shoulder, not speaking.  _ Likely Syn.  _ He thinks to himself, relaxing a little more.

“Hey Zuko. Can you sit up? Syn made you some tea. It might help you calm down. You’re alright, you’re safe. No one will hurt you here. You’ll always be safe here. Always. Will Toph be coming down soon or did she need to leave immediately?” Ezami helps Zuko slowly shift into a sitting position, handing him a cloth to blow his nose on. 

Zuko looks at Syn, taking the mug from her and giving her a weak smile before taking a sip. It’s jasmine with a little honey in it. He closes his eyes, exhaling slowly, composing himself. “Toph will be coming…she should be here soon. She might just be denting up her ship so that no one takes it.” He chuckles a little. He knows that she only dents it when she is in the Earth Kingdom and that she is likely with the guards, still hitting Jet with a stick. Or maybe she lost interest in that and is coming here now. Either way, despite the fact that they will find out eventually, Zuko doesn’t want to admit to his aunts that he brought back the ex-boyfriend that just caused him to break down in Ezami’s arms. 

“Was there someone else in here? I-I thought I heard someone talking to Zelia. Is there…?” He bites his lip before taking a sip of his tea, nestling closer between the two women. 

“Yes, that was Zelia’s husband, Tarek. They left probably because you and Tarek don’t know each other and it was kind of a private moment. I think you would like him. He’s odd, really odd, but he’s a good man and makes Zelia happy and seems to be a good father. Seeri is turning into a very wonderful young woman. She’s about your age, maybe even your type.” Ezami teases, pinching Zuko cheek, making him smile and blush a little.

“Maybe if things don’t work out with Kora I’ll set one of you two up with my uncle. Then you can fawn over me, set me up with women I don’t know, and make tea to your heart's desire.” He mumbles, taking another sip of his tea, earning a small chuckle from Ezami and a smile from Syn.

“Oh good, you’re with your aunts.” Zuko looks up and sees Toph walk into the room followed closely by Zelia who is holding her husband’s hand and pulling him along with her. Her husband,Tarek, looks at Zuko nervously and bows quickly. Zuko gives him a small, awkward wave, moving closer to Ezami.

“Zelia mentioned that she had befriended you several times…I honestly thought it was some kind of weird joke. But…here you are.” He gestures awkwardly to Zuko, taking Zelia’s hand. She chuckles softly, smiling at him. Zuko decides that he likes Tarek. He  _ is _ a little odd but he seems kind and like he loves his wife. Hopefully Ezami was right that he is a good, kind father as well. Another exception, like uncle is. 

Zuko looks at the man. He’s short and stocky with thick, calloused fingers, broad shoulders, and dark brown hair. His face looks worn but friendly, or at the very least not cruel. On top of that, Zelia seems to trust him and Zuko trusts Zelia. He can trust this man. 

Zuko nods. “Yes. She’s been very kind to me. It’s good to meet you, sir.” Zuko says softly, giving Tarek a small, but genuine, smile. “If you or your family ever need anything for any reason, you can consider the Fire Lord your friend. Zelia has been very kind to me when I needed it.” Zuko rests his head on Ezami’s shoulder and feels her wrap an arm around him, pulling him closer and keeping him safe and warm.

Tarek open’s his mouth to say something but Toph cuts in before he can. “Hey, mr. Zuko’s aunt’s husband, can you give us a moment? I need to yell at the Fire Lord in front of his aunts.”

Tarek raises any eyebrow, clearly very confused. Zuko isn’t sure if he is more confused that Toph is referring to the kitchen staff as his aunts, that the Fire Lord is snuggling up with one of the kitchen staff, that Zelia is  _ actually  _ close with Zuko, or that Toph is bossing him around. The whole situation likely looks really odd if someone didn’t know all of the context around Zuko’s relationship with these people.

Despite that, Tarek nods, bows to Zuko, kisses Zelia’s cheek and leaves the room swiftly and quietly.

“What happened, Zuko? Toph?” Suli asks quietly, sitting down on the other side of Syn. She gives Zuko a worried look. “Did you not eat? Did you hurt yourself?”

Zuko swallows, he had completely forgotten that he had hurt himself and he would have to face his aunts about that. Unfortunately, that wasn’t even the worst thing he had done. Zuko had brought Jet back. He hugs himself tight, gently placing his hand over the still tender injury under his clothes that is likely now scabbed over. “I-I needed him to be quiet. H-He was so loud. I needed him to stop talking. Couldn’t block him out…he’s in my head and I  _ needed  _ him to be quiet. I’m sorry…I didn’t want to, just needed him to stop making me feel worthless.” Zuko whispers, blinking to try and see through forming tears. 

“Are you talking about Ozai?” He hears Suli ask, her hand resting against his shoulder. Zuko nods, whimpering quietly. He feels fingers running through his hair and he leans into the touch. “I’m sorry.” He whispers.

“That isn’t the worst part.” Toph growls, crossing her arms, but her expression pinched with worry. 

“Did he not eat? Did that boyfriend  _ do  _ something to him? Zuko if he did, put a bounty on his head and have him brought here. You can have him in prison. Y-”

“I brought him back here…I-I’m helping him get back to his family. I want to be able to let go of him…move past it. He kept apologizing…Toph said he was being genuine. I know it was stupid, but I don’t want to be like my father. I want to be like my uncle.” He buries his face in Ezami’s neck, feeling falling, soaking Ezami’s clothes.  _ Can’t be like father, can’t be like father, can’t be like father.  _

“Zuko, you are  _ nothing  _ like your father. Your father would have never been down in the kitchen with us wanting to find friends, would have  _ never  _ ended the war, would have never even tried to see error in his ways and try to become a better man. You’re no perfect, Zuko, but you’re a good young man. You’re willing to listen to the needs of those around and below you, you’re willing to make difficult decisions that may not make you happy if it is for the greater good. You aren’t like your father, Zuko. I promise you’re not like him.” Ezami says forcefully, pushing Zuko away from her, holding him by his shoulders and making eye contact. He can see sincerity in her expression. 

He feels tapping on his shoulder and turns around to see Syn. ‘Anyone says otherwise and I’ll throw hot water at them.’ She signs. Zuko can’t help but to laugh softly. “Thank you, all of you, for everything. I’m sorry for disappointing you, but I want you to know I wouldn’t have been okay without you. You all have helped me so much. Thank you.”

“Zuko, the boy you brought back, where is he? Can he get to you? Is he locked up?” Ozana asks, concerned. 

Zuko shakes his head. “He’s in a room on the lower floor. He’s allowed to roam the palace as he pleases but not go past the gate. I have, however, made it very clear to him that if he even  _ tries  _ to do anything to me I will have him executed. I will do it. I’m not letting him hurt me again. I told him as long as he stays away from me there shouldn’t be an issue.” He still isn’t sure if he has the stomach to kill Jet if he does anything. Zuko just has to hope that Toph won’t say anything and Jet will just stay away from him.

“Well, I hope you don’t mind that I went through your mail. It is amusing to see the fear on this one guard's face as I look at it. We know this is the first place you come. You got a letter from the hospital and I thought that you might want to see it. Talking to a psychologist would be helpful. You  _ need  _ help, Zuko. Support from people who love you is good and can help make you feel safe and happy, but it won’t fix the underlying issue. You don’t have to read it immediately but I brought it in here.” Zelia opens up a drawer and pulls out the letter, handing it to Zuko.

Zuko slowly opens, biting his lip as he begins to read. It isn’t a long letter, but it’s helpful. Zuko folds it and lets out a slow breath. “A man named Nai is coming from the hospital to help me. He should be here in…four days. H-He can fix me. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t lead like this. I need help.”

“You do need help, but you don’t need to be fixed, you aren’t broken, Zuko. You just have been through a lot and it’s hurt you. You just need to heal. Please don’t think you’re broken. Your father hurt you, the world hurt you, you just need some help to get better, Zuko.” Toph says softly, touching his cheek. Zuko gives her a small, tired smile.

Ezami kisses his head, squeezing him a little. “You look exhausted, Zuko. We started making the bone broth for soup last night. The duck should be done soon, it’s been slow cooking since early this morning. Lunch could be ready in twenty minutes. I’m not sure how long you can stay Toph, but at least stay for lunch. Then we can get you to bed, Zuko. You’re exhausted. I’m guessing you didn’t sleep well because that boy was on the ship with you?”

Zuko nods, whimpering softly. He had been terrified that Jet would somehow get out of the sealed room. Terrified that instead of waking up fully clothed, wrapped in blankets, and Toph safely tucked in his arms, he would wake up naked in Jet’s, humiliation flooding him. He knew it was irrational. He knew he wasn’t hiding from the Fire Nation anymore and could kill Jet on sight. He knew that Toph would protect him if Jet were to come for him. He knew that it was completely irrational, that Jet had more to gain by cooperation than by hurting him…but that fear creeped in. Jet had been too close. Far too close. Jet had  _ touched  _ him. 

“Well he can’t get to you. You’re a strong firebender and skilled fighter, you have a palace full of guards who could destroy him if you said to. You’re safe here. You literally have an army to protect you. You’re safe and loved.” Ezami presses a kiss to Zuko’s forehead and he wraps his arms around her neck. “I love you too. I love all of you, so much. Thank you, words can’t express how grateful I am for you. You very well may have saved my life…not to like scare you, but that  _ is  _ why I’m getting help. I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said that especially after…I promise I won’t kill myself. I’m sorry.” His voice is quiet and a little shaky as he looks at the terrified expressions around him. “I’m sorry.” He reiterates. 

Zuko feels warm, gentle hands touching him in love and comfort. “How about we come and meet the healer with you when he comes.” Ozana says, her hoarse voice had become very soothing to him over the past few months. 

Zuko looks up, nodding. “Please. I know it’s stupid, but…just please. I’m nervous. Also I’m sure he’s nervous to be around me as well considering how my predecessors were and I’m the Fire Lord. I think I would feel the most comfortable with you guys there and I think he would feel less intimidated if I chose to surround myself with comforting cooks opposed to guards.” He snuggles close to Ezami again. 

“You’re going to make a great Fire Lord, Zuko. People will see you are not your father soon enough. We’ll help you make people understand that.” Ozana says as gently as she can. Zuko smiles weakly. 

  
  
  


Zuko slowly eats his noodle soup with his aunts, Tarek, and Toph. He just listens to the easy chatter around him. Tarek seems cautious at first but grows more comfortable as he watches Zuko slowly drink soup and calm himself with the voices telling meaningless stories around him and laughter as Ozana gives false translations to Toph and Tarek at what Syn is communicating every so often. Zuko feels safe and comfortable with these people. He feels like he can relax. Like he can be himself. 

After he eats, his eyes grow heavy and rests his head on Ezami’s shoulder, half asleep. He feels his body being lifted by a pair of strong arms and being carried. He vaughly sees a guard uniform but is too tired to fully open his eyes and get a glimpse of their face. “Thank you…’m sorry.” He mumbles, feeling pretty stupid for being an adult and carried to bed. He doesn’t protest, however. He hasn’t slept properly in so long. 

He feels his body being nestled into bed and covered pulled up to cover him. Thankful, the guard doesn’t try to undress him and get him into something more comfortable for sleep. He  _ certainly  _ doesn’t want that. He knows that when others have done that they’re only trying to help. It doesn't make it any less terrifying. 

“Hey, Sparky. I’m going to start heading back to the Earth Kingdom. Still a few hours before it should even be time for me to sleep. I know you haven’t slept well in days. Get some rest. You’re safe here. I love you, Zuko. Jet can’t hurt you in your own palace. There will be nowhere he can hide that he will be safe if he even tries. Remember that.” She presses a kiss to his forehead and is gone, probably thinking he is fully unconscious. He may as well be, he’s too exhausted to answer and soon slips into unconsciousness anyways. 

  
  
  


He had no control over his body, couldn’t run, couldn’t fight, could just hide in the corner, trembling, writhing, screaming, begging for help, for mercy, none of which he expected. He didn’t know who he was hiding from, all he knew is that he is already in so much pain and they would hurt him more like everyone else had. He could hear father screaming at him, telling him that he should have killed Zuko as a child, should have done so much worse to him while Ozai was free, that Zuko should take matters into his own hands for this. That it’s the only way he could ever make up for all the damage he had done in his life. That he should cut himself, burn himself, starve himself, kill himself.

Father keeps screaming louder and louder and Zuko does as well, trying to block him out, trying to save himself from destruction. He needs it to be quiet, needs it to be safe. Needs father gone. He can’t firebend, he can’t burn himself to get silence so he can only try and outscream him. Silence father through more noise out of desperation. 

Zuko feels a gentle hand touching his face. He vaguely hears a familiar voice but can’t make out what they’re saying between father’s and his own screams. All he knows is that he  _ needs  _ them.

Zuko lets out a loud sob, not screaming anymore, breathing rapidly, reaching out towards the direction the hand is coming from. His hand comes in contact with someone’s chest and he grips onto the material of their clothes as tight as he can, unable to stop crying now. Unable to calm his breathing. He  _ needs  _ safety. 

He feels his body being lifted up for a moment and his head rests on their chest as they sit on the bed. They press his good ear to their chest and hears quiet, awkward humming and Zuko feels his body begin to relax. It gets harder to hear father as he is pulled into the warmth of the person under him and the vibrations of their voice. 

He feels fingers running through his hair, comforting him. He feels two fingers brush against his cheek along the edge of his scar. The fingers move upwards, gently touching the skin of it. Not doing anything to hurt him or mock him, just seems…curious. 

_ Toph?  _ He thinks. Considering she can’t see, she explores a lot of the world through her seismic sense. There are some things that she can’t sense properly so she explores it through touch. She had touched Zuko’s face before and had been fascinated with his scar. Zuko had been embarrassed at first but quickly understood she wasn’t trying to hurt or humiliate him. It was pure, innocent curiosity and that's what this touch felt like as well. 

However, as he leans against the person’s chest more, he can tell it’s a man. They can’t be Toph. He thinks for a moment and then smiles a little to himself.  _ Sokka.  _ He thinks. Sokka must have come with Suki earlier than expected. Sokka had heard him screaming. He had come to comfort Zuko in his time of need. Sokka is here. Sokka doesn’t hate him. It is Sokka who hums in his sleep and the only other person besides Toph who knows humming calms him.

Zuko smiles a little, lifting his head, not wanting to open his eyes or become too conscious in case this was a dream. In his half lucid state, he presses a gentle kiss to Sokka’s lips, forgetting his promise to never do so again. “I love you. You knew I needed you. You came. I love you.” He whispers.

He feels the hand touching his scar move to cup his cheek, thumb running over the skin. The hand pulls his face closer, pressing another kiss to his lips. It isn’t demanding, isn’t feverish, is just gentle and affectionate. Sokka’s lips press against his cheeks, lips growing wet with Zuko’s tears. Lips press against his scar. It’s very tender, gentle, loving. It’s what he needs.

“I love you.” Zuko whispers again. Feeling lips press against his own again before his head is rested on Sokka’s chest and he is wrapped in love and safety. Zuko nuzzles his head under Sokka’s chin, exhausted slowly, falling asleep in so much safety. 

  
  
  
  


Jet hadn’t been able to sleep so he had given up even trying. He had spent hours looking at every part of the room, every corner during the day and had grown bored by the time it was nightfall. He hadn’t been able to eat the food that had been brought to him. Zuko seemed to genuinely be terrible at hiding his emotions. He threw the food out the window, if Zuko was surprised to see him alive tomorrow he would eat next time. 

Despite all of his feelings towards the Fire Nation, he  _ knows  _ he had been in the wrong with what he did to Zuko in Ba Sing Se. Jet had really hurt him. Jet had traumatized him and in Zuko’s position, Jet would want him dead and gone too. He knows it was a strupid and risky move coming to the Fire Nation with someone who hates him. Coming to the home of the enemy. The former enemy who personally hates Jet for a reason. Now that Jet knows that the Freedom Fighters are still together, he wouldn't be able to live how he was anymore. That knowledge would destroy him. 

Eventually, he decides to see if the guards' claims were true. If he is  _ actually  _ allowed to leave the room and roam the palace. Better than driving himself crazy the first night. He slowly opens the door, half expecting someone to tackle him to the ground, but it doesn’t happen. No one is even in front of his door. 

Jet steps out, closing the door behind him and begins to walk down the hall. Every time he sees a guard, he expects them to attack him. The uniform, the color red had become the symbol of the enemy. The symbol of pain and death. It had been something that haunted every part of his life. He couldn’t hide from it in sleep, in battle, or in life. It was always lurking just around the corner ready to strike and end him 

He isn’t sure if he is comforted or hurt with the fact that the guards do…nothing. They aren’t the heartless monsters that he had fought only months ago. They aren’t the people who had joyously slaughtered his family in front of him. They aren’t the  _ things _ who destroyed everything in sight. They’re just…people.

They’re all doing their jobs, keeping watch but it isn’t their sole function. Some are chatting amongst themselves in hushed voices about plays they had seen, about their families, or about a particularly good meal they had the other week they wanted to try again. Some are playing cards and arguing about the rules while someone on the side is asking what game they’re even playing. Apparently they’re using cards from multiple different sets of various games as some kind of weird joke that Jet does not get. 

For the most part, the guards ignore him. Some nod to him, simply acknowledging his presence. When he gets further away from where he is staying, and presumably the knowledge of his presence is less known, a few ask who he is. Out of instinct, Jet reacts with fear, reaching for his swords which aren't there. They had been confiscated on his arrival and would be returned upon his departure. 

He begins to back up from the two men and woman in front of him, looking for anything to fight them with. They’re likely firebenders, and if they aren’t, they have weapons and Jet just has his fists and feet. He may have to make a break for it but has no idea where to go. He’s in unknown territory and is clearly Earth Kingdom. 

“Hey, son, it’s alright, if you have no ill intention towards anyone here, you have nothing to worry about. I know that there’s still a lot of fear of that Fire Lord in the palace and outside of the Fire Nation. You’re alright. What’s your name? What are you doing here? Is there anyone that can vouch for you being here?” one of the men asks.

Jet nods his head, staring at the people in front of him. It seems so odd to be in the Fire Nation invited and not as a prisoner. Not being consumed by fear of the people who had put so much fear in his heart for so long. 

He means to give his name, why he is here, tell them where he is staying and that the guards closer to his room will know. Instead, he’s more confused as to the comment that the guards are clearly scared of Zuko. He was once fearless, driven by anger, and now seems to be scared of his own shadow. “Wait… _ you’re  _ scared of Zuko…isn’t he like, scared of everyone? I don’t know too much about him but I heard Toph saying that his closest friends in the palace are some elderly women who work in the kitchen when we were sailing back.”

The woman smiles cheerfully at him. “I’m going to assume you’re the Earth Kingdom boy he brought back.” Jet nods, meeting her eyes. “Is he really friends with them? I head about that but I just kind of assumed that it was some kind of weird joke. Also, where Fire Lord Zuko has seemed…very skittish at times, he is still the most powerful man in the country. That is both in political power and bending. He also comes from a long line of men who…use it to harm others.” The woman glances down the halls nervously for a moment before her smile returns. The others around her just seem slightly nervous, but not enough to say or do anything to stop her. 

Jet nods slowly. “For the sake of the world…I hope he’s different.” Jet says softly, looking down the hallway as well. “Me and him aren’t exactly friends…but I’m worried about him. Like  _ really  _ worried about him. I uh…we have some history. Do you know where he is? I know he doesn’t really sleep. He’s probably still up. I-I won’t touch him and if he wants me to leave I’ll do so immediately. I just want to talk to him. Do you know where I can find him?” Jet isn’t sure if anyone knows about Zuko’s threat to kill Jet if he touches or tries to hurt him. Zuko probably kept that to himself, not wanting to share the details as to why. Zuko seemed humiliated about what had happened in front of Toph who he is clearly very close with. Jet doubts that he would share it with guards.

Toph had called it rape. Was it? No, Zuko…his memories on all the events are blurry. Most of Ba Sing Se is. Katara had helped some but the Dai Li had still left his mind blurry. Zuko had kept coming back willingly…however he does remember Zuko crying a lot. He pushes the thoughts from his mind. He does  _ not  _ want to think about that.

One of the men gives him directions while the other pats him down to look for any weapons, apologizing as he does. Jet can understand the concern. He wouldn’t want the Fire Lord killed on his watch. Jet thanks them and begins to walk.

He begins to second guess his sense of direction, but that disappears when he hears screaming. Terrified, pain filled screaming. Jet rushes towards the sound of it and stops in front of the door that had been described to him by the guards as Zuko’s. There are more guards in front of it. They seem…so unconcerned. They’re just talking amongst themselves. Jet would think that Zuko was hurting someone who had wronged him, but Zet had been forced to listen to Zuko scream in absolute terror and pain for well over an hour. Zuko is the one screaming like that. The fact that the guards are doing absolutely nothing and seem to not even care, like this is normal, makes him sick.

“What’s happening? What are you doing just standing there? Someone’s hurting him! Someone’s really hurting him and you’re just letting them, wha-”

“Hey, kid, it’s fine. It’s just a nightmare. We’ve checked on him. No one else is in there. This happens most nights when he’s alone. He’s fine.” One of the guards says as if screaming, crying, and begging for help like he’s being tortured during a nightmare should  _ ever  _ be normal.

“Then why are you leaving him alone? He’s not alright…you can’t just leave him like that. I-I…let me in. Please, you can’t just let him…please.” Jet says without thinking. The guard turns to the people around him. He hears them say something about him being the Earth Kingdom rebel guest. The guard shrugs, moving aside, letting Jet past.

Jet hurries into the room and doesn’t even bother to look around the room that had belonged to the men who had destroyed his life. He just sees Zuko laying on the bed, writhing in pain, covered in sweat and screaming his throat raw. It would make sense why his voice is always so raspy. More so than it used to be.

Jet hurries over to the bed, cupping Zuko’s face in his hand. Guilt fills him. He had contributed deeply to whatever horrors were plaguing Zuko. He had let anger get the best of him and broke Zuko in Ba Sing Se. He remembers watching the last fragments of light fade from the man’s broken eyes and had taken pride in that. He had taken pride in breaking a Fire National until he was compliant and didn’t have any fight left in him. Until he was barely an empty husk.

Jet yelps when he feels Zuko grab the fount of his shirt tightly. Zuko’s screams had stopped and turned to broken sobs. Jet is about to think of a way to get out of this, convinced Zuko was angry at him for showing up in his room when told to get away, but he feels Zuko pulling him closer. He realizes that Zuko has no idea who Jet is…he just wants, no,  _ needs  _ safety.

Jet wraps his arms around Zuko’s trembling body, pulling him to his chest. He had lost a lot of weight since they had last been together. Too much weight. Far too much weight. He used to be all lean muscle, now he is barely anything but skin and bones. He’s too light and fragile. Jet can feel his ribs pressing into his arms and against his stomach. Zuko is the Fire Lord, it’s not like he can’t get food. This means that Zuko has been intentionally starving himself for some horrible reason that Jet doubts he wants to know. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. I’d do anything to take it all back. I should never have done that to you. I’m sorry.” He whispers, tears rolling down his cheeks, Jet sits on the bed, pressing Zuko’s good ear against his chest. He remembers that Toph did this and began humming and running her fingers through his hair and it seems to work. Jet does the same, feeling Zuko’s cries begin to subside into hiccups. 

One of the guards opens the door and peeks into the room to see what is going on. Jet just glares at him. Angry that they were letting Zuko suffer like that. They could have at least woken him up. Zuko was in  _ pain.  _ Real or not, he was screaming in fear and agony. He was crying for help, surrounded by people who could but just wouldn’t do anything. He can’t stop crying.

Jet hadn’t ever really gotten a good look at Zuko’s scar. The first time they met, he thought that it was a heroic battle with a firebender. Then he assumed that Zuko had done it to himself or it had been done as some well deserved punishment. Jet had mocked it a few times and it caused Zuko to break down without fail. Most of the time, he didn’t pay much attention to it, avoiding that part of his skin. Telling Zuko it was damaged and he didn’t want to touch it. Now, he is pretty sure it is some horrible story Jet doesn’t  _ want  _ to know.

He gently traces the unnaturally smooth, rubbery skin with the pads of two fingers. Zuko had suffered horribly to get a scar like this. Someone had intentionally done this to him. Toph had said that Fire Lord Ozai’s cruelty had not been spared to his family. The thought that the scar looks the shape and size of the hand of a grown man enters his mind and the implications make him feel sick. He’s grateful he hadn’t eaten.

He feels Zuko shift in his arms, moving up so their faces are level and he presses a soft kiss to Jet's lips. “I love you. You knew I needed you. You came. I love you.” His voice is so pained and desperate when he pulls away.. Eyes closed, hands gripping onto Jet’s clothes, terrified he would disappear. Jet isn’t sure if Zuko knows who he is.

Jet moves his hand so it cups Zuko’s cheek and Zuko’s leans into the touch. Jet pulls him closer, gently pressing their lips together again, Zuko’s hands grabbing desperately at him. Jet begins to try and kiss away the tears covering Zuko’s hollow cheeks. His lips trace the scar covering so much of Zuko's terrified face. A mark that he could never hide and something Jet had even for a moment thought was okay to mock him for. 

“I love you.” Zuko whimpers again, settling his head down on Jet’s chest, holding him tight. “You deserved to be loved, Zuko, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t.” Jet whispers holding Zuko close to his chest. 

He knows that being here is stupid, that sleeping with Zuko is  _ incrediablly  _ stupid. But he can’t leave him. He broke Zuko or at least helped. Even if Zuko never forgives or trusts him again, he needs to try and find a way to make up for his mistakes. He needs to protect Zuko from the world. From people like himself. He understands Toph’s fierce protection over him. Now that he had seen Zuko like this, he couldn’t just let him suffer. 

“I’ll protect you Zuko. Even if you kill me. You will never be hurt again. I promise.” He whispers, falling asleep, the old enemy in his arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what Y'all think:)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that this will be one of the more intense chapters in this, probably one other will be as intense but just as kind of a heads up. Also, I want to say that becasue quarantine has taken a dip in mental health this is just the fic where I project my trauma onto Zuko and then give him a lot more and so this is how I personally experience severe panic attacks (well just like 1 for the most intense one I had) and I know that not everyone experiences them this way nor does everyone like to be touched to calm them down I just personally do.  
> So yeee, hope people enjoy this, I got really into writing this chapter and it is kinda long

Zuko feels himself beginning to come into consciousness. He doesn’t hear and feel the vibrations of Sokka’s humming, but he feels Sokka’s chest slowly rising and falling under his head. He feels Sokka’s strong, loving, protective arms wrapped around him, pulling Zuko close, keeping him safe and warm from the world. Making him feel loved and worthy despite everything that had happened. It hadn’t been part of his dream. Sokka is really here. He knew that Zuko had needed him and he came. He came because he is Zuko’s safe haven. He came because despite the fact that Sokka doesn’t love Zuko the way Zuko loves Sokka, he still loves him.

Zuko butts his head up closer under Sokka’s chin, gripping onto the cloth of his clothes a little tighter, inhaling slowly and steadily. Zuko bites his lip, cracking his eyes a little. Sokka smells…wrong. Zuko had _definitely_ not begun to take even more of a liking to the smell of sandalwood and the taste of kimono chicken after he had become more aware of the way Sokka smelled. He just so happens to like those things. But Sokka smells like pine and smoke, very unlike the way he usually does. 

“Sokka?” He whimpers, closing his eyes again. He needs it to be Sokka. He needs Sokka to be here, to be his safety. To keep him safe and warm. Zuko feels a hand rest on his head, running fingers through his hair, no voice coming with it. He would think that it is Syn, but it is distinctly a man under him.

Zuko shifts slowly, wanting to see who is under him. He begins lifting his head when the hands around him tighten a little. It isn’t a hold that he can’t break out of, definitely not as tight as the man can hold him, just making it a little more difficult to raise his head. Making it so he would need to use more force. 

“Zuko, I know you wanted me away from you. Please just let me get up and walk away. I couldn’t leave you last night, you were in pain. I’m sorry.” It’s _Jet’s_ voice. 

Zuko yelps, struggling out of his arms and shoving Jet off of the bed. “G-get away from me! Get away! I’ll kill you if you don’t get away _right_ _now_! Why are you here? I-I thought I made myself clear to stay away!”

He watches Jet scramble away from the bed, fear in his eyes. It’s only then that Zuko realizes that his hands are ablaze with fire. “I-I’m going to stand up. I’ll do it slowly. I won’t come towards me, I want to walk out that door. I’m going to stand up now.” Jet’s voice is cautious and fearful. He is making full, continuous eye contact with Zuko as he slowly gets to his feet. Very slowly. One hand is on the floor for balance, the other is out in front of him in a defensive position. 

“What are you doing here?! Why the _fuck_ would you think that this wouldn’t be breaking the _only_ fucking rule I gave you?! After _everything_ you did to me, I’m still willing to move past that and bring you home to your family! The palace is big and all I needed from you is to stay away from me and you couldn’t even do that! You are going to tell me exactly why you are here! Do _not_ move or I will fucking incinerate you right here and now!”

Jet just continues to stare at him, terror in his eyes. Zuko extinguishes one of his hands, feeling to see if he was still fully dressed. He is. Jet at least hadn’t assaulted him. But he had _held_ him like Sokka had. If Jet had made it so next time Sokka held him like that Zuko could feel Jet, Zuko would fucking kill him. He would hunt Jet down and kill him for taking Sokka from him. It was the level of intimacy that Sokka was willing to give Zuko and what Zuko needed from him desperately. So desperately. Jet could _not_ have Sokka too. 

“Fucking. Answer. Me. Now.” Zuko growls. He knows that he doesn’t look particularly intimidating, body shaking and and tears rolling down his cheeks. However, fire is fire. It still burns no matter how bad of a state the bender is in. Jet is smart enough to know that. He was still somehow stupid enough to hold Zuko while he was sleeping. _Or maybe he’s evil enough to. Maybe he just knows you need to be reminded of_ what _you are. What you’re good for. All your good for._ “Shut up.” Zuko whimpers, not able to hear father as well. It would shatter him.

“I-I was just wandering around the palace. I assumed you would be awake and I wanted to talk to you. Apologize. I wasn’t sure if you were going to kill me while I was here so worst case scenario you would at least hear a sincere apology from someone who hurt you and maybe you might change your mind about killing me. All I know is that a lot of people have hurt you and I was one of those who hurt you the most. Seems kind of like a timing thing if I’m picking up on it correctly. I know we’re not friends, but I was worried about you. I was near your door and I heard you screaming. None of the guards were doing anything, they were just letting you scream because it was just a nightmare. Everyone has nightmares, but they don’t cause people to scream like they’re being tortured all night every night. I couldn’t leave you like that. I-I was just going to try and wake you up, but you calmed down almost immediately when I touched you and wanted to be held. Whenever I tried to leave throughout the night you would start to freak out again and I ended up falling asleep. I’m sorry Zuko…I couldn’t leave you like that. Please just let me walk out of here. I meant no ill will. Just let me leave Zuko, please. I’ll find a way back to the Earth Kingdom, get away from you.”

Zuko wraps his arms around himself, closing his eyes slowly. “I-I was screaming?” He whispers. The guards hadn’t done anything. He knows that they aren’t close, but Jet, his former enemy and abuser had more compassion for him screaming in terror that his guards did. _It’s because you’re worthless. You’re a thing. They know it. Everyone knows it. You know it too. Restore my position, I’ll give you a place to belong at my feet. You can have a purpose. You can be more than just a thing. The Fire Nation won’t have a weak ruler. Y–_

Zuko digs his nails into the side of his head, screaming. “Sh-shut up, shut up, I’m not, I won’t, shut up!”

“Hey, Zuko, who are you talking to? Who are you hearing? Who are you so scared of?” He hears Jet ask distantly. 

“G-get out! Get away from me! Get away! Come near me again I’ll kill you! Get away! Get away! Why do you hate me so much?! Why does everyone hate me so much?! Wh-what did I do? I-I just wanna be loved! I-I just…I just wanna be loved.” He sobs, curling up tighter in his arms, needing Jet gone, needing to be able to break down in safety, needing his aunts, needing Sokka, Toph, uncle. Someone safe. 

He feels someone touching his arms, he shakily looks up, Jet is _touching_ him. Looking at him with pity, remorse even. Zuko jumps off of his bed, punching Jet square in the face, kicking him hard in the side when Jet topples over. “Don’t _fucking_ touch me! Haven’t you done enough?! You haunt me every fucking night, I can fucking _feel_ you when someone touches me! Someone who I want to be safe with! What more do you want from me?! Get away! I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t get away!”

Zuko knows that he probably sounds deranged, screaming at the top of his lungs before the sun is even fully up. He doesn’t care. Jet’s hands haunted him far too often, when he slept, when someone well intentioned and kind touched him, when Zuko just _thought_ about him. Jet had intentionally ground him down into dust and seemed offended that Zuko didn’t want him around. Jet seemed to think that this was something that he could fix by feeling bad and apologizing. That he could help by crawling into Zuko’s _bed_ and holding him to his chest. Claiming him all over again. Just because last night Zuko wasn’t left with teeth marks and his arms pinned to his sides doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel just as violating. This is supposed to be Zuko’s _home._ Where he is safe. Not where Jet can claim him again. Zuko can’t stop screaming, he can’t stop crying. He barely even notices he isn’t standing until he feels pain racing though his knees and up his legs as he collapses on the ground. 

He can feel Jet’s hands moving under his clothes, scratching at his skin as it is exposed. He can feel Jet kissing his body in ways he doesn’t want, stripping him, pinning his hands above him, leaving dark marks with his teeth, forcing his way inside of Zuko’s trembling body, leaving him to cry and beg for him to stop, to not leave. 

Zuko can hear himself screaming, can hear other voices around him, too many. He scratches at his skin, trying to replace the feeling of Jet’s mouth and hands with pain. Needing it to stop, needing to be safe. He needs to feel clean. He feels overwhelming nausea take over his body, feeling sick, dirty, used. He wishes he hadn’t mostly eaten to please Toph and his aunts as he feels it come up, vomit getting on his clothes, his hands, on the floor. He can’t stop crying, can barely breath. 

“My lord, did he hurt you? Are you alright? What do you need?” He hears a vaguely familiar male voice say to his right. He’s one of the guards. Zuko shakes his head, coughing, wiping at his face, just feeling vomit spread over him. He feels disgusting, used, worthless. It just makes him cry harder. He needs his aunts. He’s sure all of his words sound like incohesive whimpers. 

He hears people murmur around him before arms wrap around him and he is lifted against someone’s chest. Zuko tucks his head under the person's chin, still crying. _He got to you. He can always get to you. You’re weak, you’re pathetic, you’re groveling at the feet of those who have hurt you looking for validation when they should be at yours’, begging for forgiveness. For mercy. This is your fault, Zuko. You’re not safe because you make it that way. You brought him here, you didn’t lock him up and now you’re suffering the consequences. How long until you’ll be at my feet begging me to walk out of my cell? To tame you. To control you. To protect you. To own you. The only way you can ever be safe is under my control and ownership and you know it. He could have done anything he wanted to you last night and you wouldn’t have stopped him. You know you wouldn’t have. Worthless._

Zuko claws at his face, needing silence, safety, peace. He hears people talking frantically around him, hearing the word ‘poison’ being used frequently. He can’t hear them well. He can’t force himself to pay attention. 

“I-I don’t wanna live like this…don’t wanna be like this…l-let me die. J-Just let me die, please.” He whimpers quietly as he is laid down on a bed. “It’s alright, my lord. What happened? We need to know what he did to you. Can you talk to me, please?”

“Pl-please, I-I wa-want my aunts. S-safe. Need to be safe. Pl-please.” Zuko chokes out, wiping at his face again, feeling disgusting. He hates that someone is seeing him like this. He never wants to be seen like this by anyone. Covered in his own vomit and breaking down uncontrollably because he woke up in Jet’s arms again. 

“Who are your aunts, my lord? I’m not aware of your father having any sisters.” The woman, presumably a healer, asks him softly. 

Zuko shakes his head. “Th-they’re in the kitchen. Friends. Syn, Z-Zelia, Ozana, Ezami, a-and Suli. They w-work together in th-the back. Please.” He can see visible confusion on the woman’s face but she nods to the guard. “My lord, is there any chance you were poisoned?”

Zuko shakes his head. “A-and please call me Zuko. Like it more. S-safer.” He pulls his knees to his chest, crying quietly again. He needs to be safe. Zuko _knows_ he’s done wrong in his life, he knows he isn’t perfect. He doesn’t understand what he ever did to deserve this. For so much horror in his life. He would give up the throne in a moment if he could be relieved of everything that had come with it. A cruel father, his mother, his only protector driven away by him, his scar, his banishment, every horrible encounter he had with people like Zhao and Jet. He wants it gone. He would give anything to be someone else. Anyone else.

“Oh, Zuko, sweetheart.” He hears Ozana’s hoarse voice from the doorway and footsteps coming towards him. Zuko lifts his head, extending one hand towards her before he is engulfed in her arms. “Ozana…thank you.” He whimpers, burying her head in her shoulder. 

“The others will be up shortly. What happened? What did that boy do to you? Like anything else, what did he do to you before to make you so scared of him? Did he hurt you?” Zuko grips the back of her robes tighter, not able to speak properly right now, just wanting to be held, to be safe. 

“Can one of you please get me a change of clothes for him, a bowl of warm water, and a cloth? He’s filthy.” He hears Ozana say, still gently rubbing his back, rocking him in her arms. “Zuko, is it worth trying to get you to eat something? Are you willing to?” Zuko shakes his head, knowing that he’ll just vomit more, humiliating himself further.

“I’ll take care of him. I know what I’m doing, I’ve worked in the hospital for years. H–”

“Please, he’s just had a really bad panic attack. He needs it to be calm and familiar. I know him well. I know you mean well and that you have more experience with patients, but I have more experience with Zuko. He needs some space from people he doesn’t know. I don’t know the full story but he’s had some really bad experiences with the Earth Kingdom boy. Don’t hurt him but keep him locked up until Zuko can express his wishes. I’ll take responsibility for that if he doesn’t like that choice but I’m not worried. I think Zuko just feels like he isn’t safe right now from people who have hurt him and just needs to feel secure again. When the women I work with come up, let them in, he just needs to calm down with people he knows. Please. Again, I will take full responsibility for this choice.”

Zuko isn’t sure who she is talking to, likely the healer and a guard. Zuko doesn’t really care, Ozana is right about what he needs and he doesn’t want her to go. He just wants her to hold him and make him feel loved, cared about, and safe. 

“Do you want to be left here with her, my lord?” The healer asks gently, Zuko nods, feeling exhausted and desperate. He feels Ozana’s lips press against the top of his head, soothing him. “You’re safe, Zuko. You’re safe. I’ve got you, you’re safe. I’m going to take your top off, alright? I won’t hurt you, you're dirty and will feel better if you’re cleaned up a little and fresh clothes, alright?” Zuko nods, loosening his grip on her a little.

Ozana gently pulls off his top, gently washing the vomit from his face, chest, and hands. He feels so tired, letting himself relax against Ozana, half conscious. He hears the voices of his other aunts, expressing concern, asking questions to each other, whispering quiet reassurance and praise to Zuko easing him into blissful unconsciousness. 

  
  
  
  


Zuko hears voices around him that he doesn’t recognize, he groans quietly, shifting. Zuko slowly brings himself into a sitting position, looking around. A healer is near the foot of the bed, talking quietly to another healer along with three guards. On the other side of the room, Ozana is asleep in a chair. The rest of his aunts aren’t there. She is the only one who doesn’t have a family she needs to take care of and sleeps at the palace far more regularly than the others. Her husband had died a few years back and her sons are all grown and married. It’s likely she was going to be here anyways and decided to stay with Zuko. He can’t help but smile a little, feeling grateful for her. He can see a little out the window. It’s dark, he must have slept through the day. He had been exhausted when he woke up and had spent his morning in a wild panic.

“Fire Lord Zuko, you’re awake.” One of the guards says, looking at him nervously. “What’s happened?” Zuko asks quietly, unsure what else he should say. He doesn’t know what these people think of him, if they’re more scared or disgusted of him, if they considered letting him die. 

“You had a horrible panic attack. I thought you had been poisoned. You aren’t showing any signs.” One of the healers says, his voice soft and nervous. All Zuko can bring himself to do is whimper an apology. He had panicked enough that it looked like an assassination attempt. 

“The Earth Kingdom rebel, what did he do to you? One of the kitchen staff mentioned that you had a bad, previous relationship with him. Did he do something to you? Right now he's secured in the room you provided for him, we were unsure what to do and settled on holding him until you could express your wishes for what should be done with him. Did he do something to you this morning or last night? You seemed to improve when he came in last night.”

Zuko bites his lip, tasting blood. _They knew you were in pain and let you suffer. They know it’s what you deserve. You don’t get rest, you don’t get safety, you don’t get redemption. You’re broken, Zuko. You even have to blame your dislike of sexual contact on Jet, you can’t admit to yourself that you're just broken. What kind of man doesn’t want that? Y–_

Zuko hits himself in the head hard enough to blur his vision for a moment. At least it silenced father. Those who are awake in the room look at Zuko in shock and fear. “He didn’t do anything last night. J-Just I thought I was safe a-and he got to me. I woke up in h-his arms _again_ wh-when I didn’t want to and just…I’m sorry.” He closes his eyes, hoping no one thought too much about the statement of him waking up in Jet’s, not able to talk about this with anyone else. “I want to walk around, clear my head. I-I won’t leave the palace, just need to walk around, be alone.”

“Uh, my lord?” One of the guards begins, looking nervous. Zuko looks at him quizzically as he stands up on slightly shaky legs that start getting their footing quickly. “If you’re having a nightmare litke that again, like when you’re screaming, do you want to be woken up?” Zuko feels relief flood through him, nodding. “Please. Just, if you do, just touch my face or head gently. It should calm me down before waking me up. Nightmares usually involve people grabbing at me. Don’t want to attack you.” He can hear the wavering in his voice and hopes that he hasn’t made these people think impossibly less of him.

He walks out of the room before the guard can say anything, matching his breath to his heartbeat. He wants to go down to the turtle duck pond. He wants to sit down and hold one of their fuzzy bodies in his hands and watch them sleep peacefully. They will calm him down, make him feel safe. However, he finds himself walking down the hallway to where Jet is staying, unable to stop himself. 

“I want the keys a-and I need you to leave. Please.” Zuko says as he approaches the guards who look at him surprised and concerned. Everyone likely knew about the events of this morning, especially the guards who were guarding Jet. They had to know why Zuko’s rules for Jet had changed. “Please.” He repeats, extending his hand, surprised he is able to keep it from trembling. 

He feels the cold metal being pressed into his hand, he hears footsteps moving away from him. He hears the lock click, barely aware of ever even putting the key in the lock. He walks in the room, closing the door behind him. Jet is sitting on the bed, head in his hand. He lifts his head, making eye contact with Zuko and standing up as Zuko walks over, wrapping his hands around Jet’s throat, squeezing. 

Zuko feels Jet’s fingernails digging into his wrists and he doesn’t care, barely able to feel the pain, barely able to see the fear in Jet’s eyes as his vision blurs red. “What makes it okay for people to do shit like this to me?! What about me makes it okay?! I was willing to look past _everything_ you did to me and all you had to do is stay the _fuck_ away from me! All you had to do is leave me alone and you couldn’t fucking do that! I just want to be fucking safe! That’s all I want! All I’ve ever wanted is to be safe and feel loved and I have _never_ had that! I’m the fucking Fire Lord and there isn’t a _single_ think on this planet that is _mine._ My family, my friends, my palace, my room, my body, my mind, my spirit, none of it really belongs to me! It’s all been _used_ and taken, I-I’m not safe!” 

He feels Jet’s knee come in contact hard with his groin and shoving him away onto the ground. Jet falls to all fours, gasping for air, trembling violently. Zuko just glares at him, looking blankly at the bloody marks on his wrists. 

“Zu-ko, I’m so-rr-y.” Jet gasps, clutching at his chest. “Just. Want-ed. To. Help.”

“I just want to know what makes it okay to _do_ stuff like this to me? _Please,_ Jet. Tell me what about me makes it okay. I need to know. I’ll change whatever it is, I just don’t know what it is.” He can hear the absolute desperation in his voice, and it is appropriate, he _is_ desperate. He needs to understand. He needs this to stop. 

“Zuko, it wasn’t okay. There’s nothing about you th–”

“I don’t need you to spare my feelings, Jet. I _need_ you to be honest with me. You aren’t the first person to break me for fun and I _need_ you to be the last. My father did this to me for speaking out of turn.” He growls, pointing aggressively at his face. “He left plenty of other scars. I'm sure you had plenty of time to see. While I was banished, one of my father’s admirals drugged me. He and I don’t know how many others, I-I was barely conscious, I couldn’t move on my own, they fucked me for _hours._ I-I was barely 15 years old. They were all around 40. A-and then I was _stupid_ enough to think that anyone could ever want me for something other than my body or something else I could do for them and I believed that you cared about me. I thought I’d never find anyone again who would at least hold me after and I-I just let you break me over and over again. Please, I need this to stop. I-I need to know h-how to make it stop. Please make it stop. I-I won’t survive something like this again. The more stuff like this happens the louder he gets. H-he’s already so loud. I-I can’t bear to hear him any longer. I-I can’t. I-I want to die. I-I don’t want t-to hear him anymore. H-He’s g-gonna hurt me.” His voice sounds more broken the more he talks. 

“Zuko…can I touch you? I watched Toph calm you down by pulling you to her chest and humming. It worked last night as well…or well, I thought it did. I won’t hurt you. Can I just hold you? Help you calm down?”

Zuko meets Jet's eyes for a moment. They are wide, scared, but honest. “Y-you hurt me and I will burn you. You _grab_ me, and I’ll go after the Freedom Fighters to make a point and kill you last.” Zuko knows that he would never actually kill or hurt any of the Freedom Fighters. None of them had ever done anything to hurt Zuko. He had also taken a liking to The Duke at the air temple. He’s pretty sure that Jet can tell that he’s full of shit, Zuko knows he had never been a good liar. It was more to make a point that he would destroy Jet. If Jet hurt him, Zuko has no doubt in his mind that he will end Jet right here and now.

Zuko drags his trembling body across the floor, allowing Jet to wrap his arms around him, pulling him close. He feels Jet’s fingers tangle loosely in his hair, his other arm holding Zuko close against his chest, making him feel somewhat safer.

“Can I ask you something? Who were you saying was too loud? Who’s going to hurt you?” Jet's voice sounds worried. “M-my father. He tells me I’m worthless, that I should starve, hurt, and kill myself. That everything that’s ever been done to me is my fault. That I’m going to be all alone and at some point I’m going to be begging him to give me a place at his feet no matter how much he hurts me. That I use what happened as an excuse to myself for why I don’t like intimate touch and that I’m actually just broken. Not just from life but born that way so I can never be fixed. I-I’m so scared that he’s right about everything. I can almost always hear him and I’m _so_ scared of him.” He doesn’t mean to tell Jet as much as he does, it just comes out. Maybe because Jet can’t do all that much more to break him? Maybe because he could have Jet arrested and executed and not have someone convince Zuko that he was being petty and heartless over Jet sharing his secrets. Jet is already between a rock and a hard place, it would take very little to convince Zuko to swing.

“Zuko…everything that has happened to you, everything that I did to you. The man who drugged you, Zhao, is he still free? The other men who raped you with him? Zuko, I’m so sorry that…I’m so sorry that I made your life more unbearable than it already was. I understand if you want me locked up for the rest of my life, executed or just shipped off to the Earth Kingdom at the earliest convenience. However, if there is anything that you need me to do for you or for someone else I’ll do whatever you ask of me. I don’t want to be the kind of person who breaks people…just look what I’ve done to you. I’ll do anything you want me to and try and make the world a little better if you give me the chance. It doesn’t have to be anywhere near you. I’m sorry that I violated your space. I’m so sorry I hurt you again.”

Zuko lifts his head, pressing it against Jet’s forehead, closing his eyes. He has no idea what he needs. No idea what would be best for him now or in the future. He just doesn’t want to feel broken. Like he’s less. Like he could never be loved by anyone. “Jet, I-I don’t want to be broken. N-need it to not be…scary…painful or humiliating. Please, Jet.”

“Wha–”

Zuko presses his lips against Jet’s, straddling his lap, tasking the salt from his own tears, gripping onto the front of Jet’s clothes tightly. He feels a hand come to his chest, gently pushing him away a fraction of an inch, just enough to break the kiss. 

“Zuko, don’t do this to yourself. You’re going to get hurt. This is how you break yourself more, not recover. I really don’t understand what you’re trying to accomplish. Just calm down, I don’t think it’s good for you to be here. You’re in a horrible place mentally right now. If you want to talk to me, please do it later. Get some rest, eat, calm your mind. I really don’t think this is good for you.”

“Jet, please…kiss me. Just be gentle. Stuff like this has almost always been used against me. I need it to feel good. Please.” The only pleasant memories he has are when Mai kissed him. She had been nice and not demanding. Even the kiss he had given Sokka had been buried by shame and fear in what he had done. “Please, I need this Jet.”

He feels Jet kiss him, cupping Zuko’s face in his hand, trailing gentle kisses up to his scar. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” Jet continues pressing soft kisses to Zuko’s face, lips, and neck, being specifically tender and attentive to Zuko’s scar. Zuko can only assume that it is some way to make up for what Jet had said about it in Ba Sing Se. His hands never stray under Zuko’s clothes, only touching his face, hair, and back as he continues to plant more kisses.

Eventually, Zuko pulls away, eyes trained on the ground and moving off of Jet’s lap. “Do you feel any better, Zuko?” Jet asks, looking desperate. Zuko shrugs. “I-I don’t feel worse. That’s something.”

There is silence for several, long minutes. “Zuko, are you and Sokka like…kind of a thing or something? You thought I was him this morning.” Jet asks cautiously. Zuko shakes his head. “I wish we were…thought you were him last night. I-I was just really scared and needed safety and Sokka makes me feel safe and loved even if just a little.”

“You have a crush on him? Wouldn’t have pegged him as your type.”

“I’m in love with him, Jet. He knows it. I told him by accident once. Whole thing I don’t want to talk to you about. He just…he makes me feel like I’m going to be okay. Like I’m not worthless. Like I could be loved by him. He also makes me smile which has been getting harder for people to do. Even if we weren’t a couple, I would give just about anything to have him hold me at night. Keep the nightmares away, make me feel safe all night.”

“You deserve someone who will do that for you. You really do. I hope that things work out with Sokka or you find someone else who makes you feel like that. Who makes you feel loved. I’m so sorry that I didn’t. I understand that this is too little too late, but please consider at least letting me go. I want to be different. Help and protect people. Find my family. I have no interest in hurting anyone, especially not you.” Jet gently kisses Zuko’s forehead. “Please go get some rest. Clear your head, be with people who make you feel safe. You at least deserve that.”

Zuko nods numbly, struggling to his feet. He locks Jet’s door again when he leaves, walking down the hallway and giving it back to one of the guards he sent away, legs shaking. ”Your majesty, do you need help getting to…where you’re going. You don’t look well.” One of the guards asks, his face pinched with worry.

Zuko bites his lip, looking down, feeling ashamed. “Please.” He whispers as he feels arms wrap around him, lifting Zuko to his chest and carrying him down the hall. “Where are you going?” 

“P-probably back to the hospital wing. Ozana might worry if she wakes up and I’m not there. Also I want to see her.” He wraps his arms around the man’s neck to better secure himself. 

“Is this the scullery servant Ozana? She had mentioned spending time with you. I wasn’t aware you two had gotten close.”

Zuko nods. “She makes me feel safe. She and my other aunts as Toph calls them. Those are the other women she works with. What’s your name, sir?”

“Arik.” The guard says after a brief pause. “It’s nice to meet you, Arik. Thank you, really, I appreciate it.” Zuko mumbles, resting his head on Arik’s shoulder, feeling safe and protected. “Fire Lord Zuko, do you remember what room you were in? You said you wa–”

“Zuko!” He hears Ozana snap, Zuko looks up in alertness, feeling Arik hold him a little tighter, unsure what to do in this scenario. At least the question of what room he was in is now answered. However, he wouldn’t be able to hide what he had done from Ozana forever. If he was lucky, he could lie to her for 10 minutes. Not only is Zuko a horrible liar but Ozana had raised three sons. She knows how to find the truth from teenage boys. She would find out that Zuko had seen Jet in a matter of seconds.

“Zuko, where have you been? You weren’t in your room, no one knew where you were, you weren’t with the turtle ducks, where were you? You had me worried sick. After what just happened, I thought…” He sees tears in her eyes as she rushes over to him, helping him from Arik’s arms, kissing his head and pulling him to her chest. “You had me so worried, Zuko. Come on, let's get you back in bed. Arik, can you come with us for a moment?”

Zuko shouldn’t be surprised that Ozana and Arik know each other, Arik had recognized her by name and had clearly spoken with her before. He still thought that despite both working in the palace, due to their different job descriptions they wouldn’t know each other, but they do. Ozana leads Zuko back into the room, followed by Arik as she helps him back in the bed. 

“Zuko, where were you? Don’t give me any of that ‘I’m the Fire Lord and I don’t need to tell you what I’m doing’ ostrich horse shit, as far as I’m concerned I’m your mother and you’re going to tell me what you were doing. Also, don’t bother lying to me, you know you’re dreadful at it. What did you do? You look horrible.” Ozana says sternly, her hoarse voice extenuating it. All Zuko is focusing on is the fact that she referred to herself as his mother, he feels impossibly safer and more loved by her. Arik looks incredibly nervous, clearly unsure if Ozana would get in trouble for yelling at Zuko like that.

“Please don’t leave if I tell you. I-I know it was stupid and you have a right to be upset with me. Just, please, don’t go.” Tears have completely blurred his vision as he is pulled up against Ozana's warm, soft body, her hand rubbing his back in small circles. “I’m not going to leave you like, Zuko. I promise I won’t go anywhere. If I’m being perfectly honest, I don’t trust you to be alone right now. Did you scratch your wrists like that? Why, sweetheart?” She presses another kiss to Zuko’s head.

“I-I didn’t, J-Jet did. I went to see him and I-I lost control and got a-angry and tried to strangle him…I know I shouldn’t ha-have hurt him, shouldn’t have seen me. Just…I don’t know, I-I needed to understand _why._ J-just t-to make it stop. I-I need to know wh-what makes it o-okay t-to do something l-like that to me. H-he wasn’t the f-first a-and he _needs_ to b-be the last. I-I won’t s-survive a-anyone else t-touching me like that. I-I’m sorry.” Zuko is forcing himself to gasp for breath between sobs, entire body shaking, clutching tightly to Ozana, feeling as if he would disappear if he let go of her. 

“Zuko, sweetheart, what did he do to you? This is too serious to just assume. I want to be able to understand, I want to be able to help you. Please talk to me, Zuko. I know you’re getting professional help soon, but please talk to me. Help me understand.” Her voice is gentle but full of horror. She cups his cheek in her hand, wiping away his tears which are quickly replaced. 

“H-he raped me. H-he hu-hurt me s-so badly a-and I-I don’t understand _why._ H-he wasn’t e-even th-the worst. A-a grown man drugged m-me a-an he a-an others th-they…” He trails off, breaking down fully with choking sobs. He can feel himself kicking his legs, trying to push himself impossibly closer to Ozana who has only tightened her embrace on him. All he can hear is his own desperate gasping and loud sobs. He feels someone wrap something warm and soft around him, cocooning him on Ozana’s arms, a third hand gently rubbing his back after he has been protected.

He isn’t sure how long he breaks down from years of pain and humiliation in Ozana’s arms, but when his cries start to subside it is from pure exhaustion, not releaf. He continues clutching firmly onto Ozana as she lays him down on the bed, pulling blankets over him, not removing the one that is wrapped around his shoulders. He doesn’t want her to leave. He needs her here to stay, to protect him. He can’t be alone right now.

“Fire Lord Zuko, here, please drink some water. You’ll feel worse if you're dehydrated.” He glances over and sees Arik holding out a cup to him. He looks scared, no, concerned. Not for himself, for Zuko. Zuko lets out a small whimper, slowly lifting a heavy, shaking, exhausted hand towards it. “Do you want some help? I promise I won’t hurt you. I’m so sorry…about…I’m sorry.” 

Zuko tries to say something about it not being the man’s fault but all that comes out is an exhausted whine. He feels Ozana tip his head up and Arik presses the cup to his lips, drinking slowly. When he’s done, Arik pulls the glass away. “Fire Lord Zuko, I’m still on shift until morning. Would you like me to stand guard outside of your door here or back to my previous position with the Earth Kingdom boy. Hold up one finger for here, two for returning.”

Zuko decides that he likes Arik as well. He’s kind, patient, gentle and willing to find new ways to communicate with Zuko when normal speech isn’t cutting it. When he needs a new way of communication for any reason. Zuko holds up one finger before he feels Ozana lay down on the bed next to him and is pulled back into unconsciousness. 

  
  
  
  


The next three days pass in a haze. His aunts, two healers, and Arik are the only people he actually sees. He’s coaxed into eating a bowl of soup the first morning and isn’t pressured too hard by anyone to actually talk. Even sign language is a little too much for him. The only thing he can process is Arik’s suggestion at categorical choices for answers. He isn’t left alone for a moment. He knows it’s because he is benign put on suicide watch, but he really also just doesn’t want to be alone. He needs people around him. 

His aunts and Arik just talk to him about nothing and read to him after figuring out he wanted to listen to people talk so as to not be left alone with his own thoughts. He would find a way to make this up to them after he was back on his feet. He would thank and repay each act of kindness he had been given. He just knows that right now he is so grateful for them.

At the end of the first day, Arki carries him back to his bedroom, resting him in his own bed. They help him settle back in, making him feel like the room belongs to him. Making him feel safe. He’s only offered help changing once, but no one tries to persuade him. That night, Syn stays with him, wrapping her thin arms around him, keeping him feeling safe and loved. Arik once again takes the night shift outside of his door along with others. Zuko doesn’t know how many people know what had happened to him. What had been done to him. He’s too exhausted to care. He’ll deal with it another time. 

The second day, his aunts try and persuade him to bathe but at least get him to wash his hair and change his clothes. The second thing they leave him a few moments of privacy, but not long. He knew they were listening closely and weren't going to stay out of the room for long while he changed out of fear of him killing himself. He had known that he was safe, that these people would never do anything to hurt him. It did not lower his anxiety. When someone had come back in they had found him trembling violently, struggling to get his robes fully on. He had only been extended love and comfort by them. 

In the middle of the third day, Nai had come. His first introduction to Zuko was finding him curled up in bed, being read children's stories by Ezami, unwilling to speak, and placed on suicide watch. He probably knew that he had his work cut out for him. Zuko hopes at least the fact that his aunts are able to force Zuko into suicide watch without fearing banishment or death. He hopes that Nai at least won’t be terrified of him. Maybe at least after this whole experience, some of the staff would at least be less scared of him. Understand that Zuko was also a victim of Ozai’s cruelty and wanted nothing to do with the man. He certainly didn’t want to be like him. 

Zuko wants any information about the Freedom Fighters to come so he can get rid of Jet. so Zuko doesn’t have to think about him. He wants the Kyoshi warriors and Sokka to get here soon. He wants to feel safe. He _needs_ Sokka. Zuko really doesn’t care if it is some kind of unhealthy attachment he just needs Sokka here. He needs Sokka to hold him, to tell him that it’s going to be alright, to tell him that he isn’t dirty, isn’t worthless, isn’t used. He might be able to believe it if Sokka said it. But that would require him knowing. 

Nai had been standing at the foot of Zuko’s bed for almost ten minutes, clearly unsure what he should do. Zuko didn’t know if it was because Nai already knew that Zuko was a lost cause with one look at him or that he was just scared that Zuko was the Fire Lord. It was likely a mix of both. Zuko had no idea what to think of the man. He had nothing to base his assumptions off of. 

“Fire Lord Zuko.” Nai finally begins, looking at him nervously. “Would you like me to stay here with you or do you want me to come back later? How long have you been in this state? Is this purely mental or physical ailments as well?” His voice is soothing and patient. He has however asked too many questions that Zuko simply can’t answer yes or no to. He bites his lip, tasting blood before trying to speak. All that comes out is a hoarse whine. He swallows, trying to collect himself, trying to get himself to speak, to say anything.

“Zuko, pumpkin, can I talk to him for you? Just give him briefly what happened. No too personal details of what just came to light.” She presses a kiss to his temple. Zuko nods, resting his head on her shoulder, grateful, unsure what he would have done if Ezami hadn’t brought him into the kitchen that day. Introduced him to his other aunts. Given him people who make him feel safe. He doubts he would have survived the past few days without them.

“Well, Nai, he’s been struggling with perpetual and severe and overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, panic and fear for a long time. A lot of self hatred and he seems to have trouble seeing worth in himself outside of what he can do for other people and from what I picked up a lot of that are things he feels like he needs to do to keep people from leaving him. He has really bad issues with trust and abandonment. He has a lot of trouble eating. Like he will go days without eating. He claims it’s because his fear makes him feel physically sick, and I believe that, I just also think it’s a form of self harm. He has never been this bad before. He was trying to help someone who really hurt him horribly in the past and brought him back here. I’m not sure on all the details of what happened here or before, and what I am sure on are horrible and not mine to share. Whatever happened it shook him badly. He searches for safety in people he chooses to be around more than anything else and whatever happened shook his sense of safety. I’m sure you’re nervous to be around him after what his father did. Zuko has been worried about you wanting nothing to do with him because of your fear. Please, I trust Zuko with my life. Understand that he isn’t someone going to continue what Ozai has done. Zuko is just another one of his victims.” 

Zuko probably wouldn’t have said that much, but it’s probably for the best that Ezami had spoken. Zuko is sure he seems less scary curled up in a plump, kind hearted, scullery maid’s arms than in between guards like most would have seen him. He glances at the man in front of him, gripping onto Ezami’s hand tightly. 

“Well, Fire Lord Zuko, it sounds like there is a lot we need to work on. Healing is a long, and slow process. It can be frustrating especially because you can’t see progress in mental health as well as physical health. Whenever you’re ready to start talking to me, we’ll begin. I’m here exclusively to treat you. I’m here when you need me. How this is going to work is you’re going to talk to me, and it may seem invasive as we get deeper into it, but it takes a lot to undo years of damage. Okay.”

Zuko feels tears stinging in his eyes, looking up at the man, swallowing several times before forcing himself to speak for the first time in three days. “S-sir? A-am I a l-lost cause?” He can hear the fear in his own voice. 

“Oh, pumpkin.” Ezami says softly. “Don’t _ever_ say that about yourself. I never want you to say that again. You’re not a lost cause. I promise you that. You’re worth every moment it takes to help you. You’ve been through so much and still have the capacity for so much kindness. Don’t ever say that again.” She kisses the top of his head.

Zuko nods mutley, butting his head up under Ezami’s chin, keeping an eye trailed on Nai. The man’s body had continued to relax the longer he had been in the room. Zuko hopes that Nai can actually grow comfortable around him. That he won’t constantly think that Zuko is just another version of Ozai. That Zuko would ever dare to become the man of his nightmares.

“Well, Fire Lord Zuko.” Nai begins. “Pl-Please, just Zuko. L-Like it more.” He whispers, still not used to talking after several days of silence. Nai looks at Ezami nervously and Zuko can feel her nod once. “Zuko.” He continues, eyes scanning Zuko’s face as he speaks. “How this is going to work is you’re going to start telling me about your past. Things that may have been traumatic for you. We’re going to talk about how you feel now, what helps, what makes things worse. It’s also helpful to do some form of documentation for yourself about what happened during the day and then rate how you felt and write about it. Being able to go back and look at it at a later point can help understand what makes you better and worse. It can be unnerving to tell someone about your experiences and it isn’t uncommon to talk very generally the first few sessions to get used to each other. Everything you tell me is confidential and I won’t share any details with what you told me with anyone. I will only talk to someone if I have reason to believe you are a threat to yourself or others, and even then, I won’t share the details of that unless you give me permission to do so. We will only start when you feel ready, I understand that it might take a little after something that caused this. However, it might really help and it might be what you need.”

Zuko looks at Nai desperately, needing this to work so badly. Needing to feel better. “Does this work? Even for…people like me?”

Nai looks at him with a mixture of sadness and fear for a moment before speaking. “Your sister was not initially willing to partake in methods such as this. I won’t give you any details but I’m sure you know the basics of her condition. She has begun to improve. Again, it’s a long road to recovery for her, but she is doing better. She’s become significantly less aggressive.” The look that both of them share is ‘that’s not saying much’. 

Zuko nods, biting his lip before smiling weakly. For the first time in years, he feels hope for himself. He dares to let himself feel it. There may be hope. He can feel a bit of hope for himself. He takes a long, slow breath, calming himself a little as he holds Ezami's hand close to his chest. Feeling safe and protected. “Can we start now? I want…I don’t want to feel like this anymore. _Please_ help me, sir.”

Nai nods, gesturing to the chair by the desk. “May I sit there? And would you like Izami here or it to just be the two of us. What other people know about anything we talk about is up to you. This is about what makes you feel safe, Zuko.”

Zuko nods. “I want her here. She’s safe. She knows most of what I-I guess I would get into now.” He knits his eyebrows in confusion, not quite sure what else they would talk about besides what had happened which Zuko could summarize pretty quickly. Nai had mentioned breaking it down and talking about how it affected him, so, maybe it would take longer? All Zuko knows is that he’s desperate and Nai is the first chance at real help he had been offered in a long time. He has to trust that Nai knows that he’s doing.

Zuko takes a deep breath and begins to tell Nai everything that had happened that he could find of importance, starting when his father wanted to kill him at birth.

Once Zuko started talking, he couldn’t make himself stop even if he wanted to. He stated by telling Nai about when he was first born his father had thought he was a nonbender and wanted to cast him over the side of the palace walls, that the only reason he is still alive is because his mother and the fire sages begged Ozai to give Zuko a chance and Ozai had given him one month. Near the end of that Zuko had coughed up a spark and Ozai had allowed Ursa to name him and announced his birth. Ozai would have rather had no son than the shame of having his firstborn be a nonbender. His own father had hated him from the moment he was born and had no hesitation in killing him. Something he reminded Zuko of when he fell behind Azula, reminding him that he is weak and worthless. 

Zuko tells Nai about how Ozai had instantly favored Azula when he found that she was a firebending prodigy and regularly pitted her and Zuko against each other, trying to build Azula up into the obedient child soldier Ozai wanted under his control and to break Zuko down to move him out of the way. How Ozai had set Zuko up to fail, punishing him by denying him food until Zuko could do what was demanded of him. That usually Zuko would usually just end up crying in pain and delusion from hunger in his mother’s arms who was forbidden from feeding him. Ozai had soldiers hold her back while he beat Zuko into unconsciousness when he found out she had been feeding him and she hadn’t done so ever since then. She would just comfort him while he cried.

Zuko tells Nai about how everything got so much worse when his mother disappeared. He has no idea where she is now or if she is still alive just that she was banished to save Zuko’s life and he doesn’t know how. There had been no one to protect him from Azula, no one to hold him after Ozai had beaten him. His only solace left was the turtle duck pond or hidden in the back corner of his room, shaking with silent sobs. He had long ago learned to cry silently when he needed to. To cover the sounds of his footsteps or breath. To go for days hidden in a small area with no food or water. To become invisible for his own safety and sanity. He had begun to stop looking for his father’s love and just didn’t want his scorn, something he had never achieved. Just wanted to not exist to the man. To be safe from him.

Zuko tells him about how Iroh had allowed Zuko to attend a war meeting after begging him for over an hour. How Zuko spoke up about the horrible plan that a general had proposed involving sending a troupe of new recruits to die for nothing but a distraction to distract the enemy from the real attack. That Zuko was demanded to partake in an Agni Kai for such disrespect but instead of duling the general, he was forced to duel his own father and refused which ended in Ozai burning Zuko’s face, leaving behind the scar that he could never hide no matter how much he tried. When he had woken up after passing out from the pain, he was immediately informed of his banishment and practically dragged to the ship he would spend the next 3 years of his life on. He was barely able to walk and unable to stop crying from pain which only made it so much worse, that uncle just held him in his arms for hours after the ship cast off, allowing Zuko to break down in fear, pain, and shame. Iroh becoming Zuko’s new safe haven. The first one he had since his mother disappeared. 

Zuko is barely able to make it through what happened with Zhao. He leaves out a lot of details, occasionally turning to break down completely in Ezami's arms, feeling disgusting and violated. He had expected to see disgust in Nai’s eyes, looking at Zuko like he was weak and used but he saw tears glimmering in the man’s eyes, so much sorrow in his expression as he watches Zuko break down. Ezami just runs her fingers through Zuko’s hair, kissing the top of his head, reiterating that Zuko is safe now. That he’s loved and will never be hurt like that again. Zuko needs to be able to believe her. Really believe that he would ever be touched like that again by anyone.

After he calms down more, Zuko begins to tell Nai about after he found that the Avatar was alive and that he spent so much time chasing after Aang and his friends, striking terror into their hearts. He was the reason why people that he now cares for had nightmares at night. It was his face that they saw finding them, hurting them. That Zuko had become the face of the enemy for all of them. That he had caused them sleepless nights and anxiety churning in their stomach when seeing a Fire Nation ship. He mostly glosses over the story with them, a lot of it because he is deeply ashamed of what he had done. Despite the fact that he helped them defeat Ozai, he was still someone who hurt them deeply like so many had done to him and he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be touched by any of them no matter how kind. No matter how much he wants Sokka to touch him in any way that he wants. 

Zuko tells him about how after the battle at the North Pole, he and Iroh became refugees on the run from the Fire Nation and eventually ended up in Ba Sing Se. He tells him about Jet. What Jet had done to him, that despite how much it haunts him to this day it’s still the kindest intimate touch he’s ever received. Jet at least held him after, Zhao just left him broken, violated and sore. He and Mai were never intimate. Zuko really misses her. He’s happy that she’s with someone that she loves, but he misses her, she’s safe, gentle, predictable, and kind when she wants to be. He hopes that she comes back to the Fire Nation with Ty Lee. He wants to see her again, be safe near her. Zuko tells Nai what happened last night with Jet, that Zuko brought him back no matter how much he didn’t want to and he still doesn’t understand _why_ he did that. He shamefully admits what he did in Jet’s room when he went down to see Jet. He can’t meet Nai’s eyes, certain there will be nothing but disgust. A look that would tell Zuko that he deserved everything Jet had done to him and more. Zuko doesn’t care if it’s true, he can’t see confirmation. 

He backtracks a little, telling Nai how he was positive that all of the staff hated him, saw him only as another version of Ozai and they wished that he had died. Praying for his death. They were all terrified of him. That he had broken down when he was in a particularly bad headspace after gaining conformation that Iroh didn’t in fact hate him (he can’t bring himself to flesh out the story of his arrest and Ba Sing Se, it seems less important compared to everything else) but was now just left alone with his thoughts. How he had accidentally summoned Sokka, how Zuko had stupidly confessed the fact that he loved Sokka and kissed him. That he had fallen in love with Sokka because he makes Zuko feel so safe. Safe in a way that no one else can make him feel. Safe in a way that makes him feel happy, like he might feel okay.

“And that about it, Sir.” He sighs, closing his eyes, laying against Ezami, trembling, calming down as she gently rubs his back, humming quietly. He isn’t sure how long he stays like that, just as long as it took for his breaths to become even again and his body to relax against Ezami’s body. 

“Zuko…” He hears Nai whispers, horror in his voice. Zuko slowly looks up at Nai’s face, he isn’t sure what to expect to see on the man’s face, but he isn’t expecting to see tears rolling down his cheeks, looking at him so sadly. “How are you even still functioning? You…that’s so horrible. All of it. I’m so sorry you had to suffer through any of that.”

Zuko bites his lip softly, cocking his head a little. “So you mean I’m not weak? Broken?” Nai shakes his head, looking at Zuko sadly. “No, no you're not. I don’t know how you’ve been through so much and still able to function. Zuko, I promise you, I am going to do anything and everything that I can to help you. It’s going to take awhile, and you’re going to need to share the details with me over time as you grow more comfortable with me. I’m going to help you in any and every way that I possibly can. I swear to you, Zuko, you’re going to be okay. You just have to be patient and work with me, alright?” Zuko meets Nai’s eyes, they are wide, trustworthy, and honest. Zuko can trust him. He hopes he can at least, Zuko had put his trust in the wrong men before and it had left him with burns, bruises, cuts, and worst of all the ghost of their hands on his body. Demanding more. But he has to trust Nai. He _needs_ to. Anyways, if Nai were to _ever_ touch Zuko like that in his own domain, he would have the man publicly executed. 

“Please help me, Nai. Thank you. I just…thank you.” He gives Nai a small smile. “Hey, pumpkin, it’s getting late, you should get some sleep. Nai, could you ask one of the guards outside to show you to your room and for another to go get Zuko’s aunt’s to spend the night?” Zuko is about to say that it is barely past noon when he looks out the window and sees the sun setting in the distance, he hadn’t realized he had spent so long telling Nai about his past.

Nai nods, leaving the room. “You were so brave, Zuko. I didn’t think you would be able to tell him anything today, let alone that much. I’m so proud of you, pumpkin.” Zuko snuggles up closer to her. “I love you, Ezami. I could never fully express my gratitude for what you and the others have done for me. I wouldn’t have survived this week without you, thank you.” He whispers, he feels Ezami pulling him closer, rocking him in her arms.

She holds him like that until Ozana comes into the room, switching spots with Ezami, holding Zuko close to her. “I love you, Zuko.” Are the last words he hears before he drifts off into a comfortable sleep. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zuko gets a therapist because he needs one and despite the fact this isn't like a realism piece, I hate the trope where someone gets into a relationship with someone they really like and like they feel better. It's not healthy for anyone and it's really common with Zuko/anyone at all and it makes me really uncomfortable so he gets a therapist.  
> anyways, please let me know what you think:)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, another chapter of this…thing. I have just completed my orgo exam and I think I did well and after my cell bio class I have to take my genetics class, wish me luck with that stuff.  
> I hope that y'all like this:)

Process had been slow. Very slow. Zuko already feels himself feeling frustrated with the whole process after only two weeks, feeling as if something should be different. Nai had told him several times that right now he’s just trying to understand what Zuko has been through. Let him unpack everything so he doesn’t feel the need to hide it or be ashamed at what he has done and what has been done to him. None of what Nai says makes him feel any less humiliated about anything that has happened. Even just talking about what had happened with Zhao or Jet makes him feel sick and violated all over again. 

Nai listened to everything Zuko said patiently, let Zuko try and talk about it more, encouraging him to open up but when he began getting worked up he helped Zuko calm down and offered to either end the session or talk about something else. He doesn’t continue pushing Zuko to get more information from him. Nai had been patient with him no matter how frustrated Zuko got over just about everything. 

Talking to Nai about this made him feel vulnerable. It made him feel like Nai could use it to hurt Zuko in so many horrible ways directly or indirectly. He doesn’t want to tell Nai about all of this, but Zuko doesn’t want him to be disappointed, to leave, to look at Zuko and know that he is just a lost cause. To leave him behind to break all over again like so many others had. To not care as he walks away to let Zuko cut himself on the shards he once again desperately tries to put back together.

He hadn’t been able to tell Nai any of that, unsure what it would do. Nai may have no idea what power he holds over Zuko right now and he  _ can’t  _ let him know that. The man is still very much an unknown. For most, he would have been able to form an opinion of by now, but Zuko wasn’t spilling his darkest secrets and greatest shames to most people. It makes him feel weak, stupid, and just incapable. It didn’t help that he is still pretty much on suicide watch by his aunts.

Everyone in the palace must have known what happened with Jet by now. How Zuko had such a horrible mental breakdown when Jet had held him while he slept that the healers thought Zuko had been poisoned. How he wasn’t allowed alone in a secluded space at any point of the day or night because people were scared that he was going to hurt or kill himself. That his aunts slept with him at night not only because of that but because Zuko couldn’t sleep alone without nightmares that caused him to scream like he was being tortured. The staff wasn’t scared of him anymore at least, all the looks they gave him were that of pity or they avoided looking at him altogether. Those were probably the people who would have looked at him with scorn if he wasn’t the Fire Lord. The people Zuko is sure want him dead. Want him to be alone long enough to kill himself. 

He can’t bring himself to tell Nai about that either. Zuko certainly can’t tell him about the creature or father’s voice. No matter how horrible the past is, it is easier to tell Nai about what has happened than what is happening currently. 

The past makes Zuko seem damaged, the present shows that Zuko is crazy. That he is beyond help. That he isn’t worth helping. That everything left of what could have been is gone. All of his potential is now lost, his value along with it. He has to be able to lie to himself that this will end and he wants to believe it so badly that he has stupidly begun to believe it. Part of why he was getting frustrated so easily is he  _ needs _ something to base his lie off of to keep himself going. All he looked forward to was when the Kyoshi warriors would come. Sokka would come with them. Sokka tamed the creature even if he didn’t know it. He needs Sokka here, need’s his warmth to melt the ice from his heart and drive the creature away. Things will be okay when Sokka gets here. Things will be okay. Things have to be okay when Sokka comes.

Today, Jet had finally left. Zuko had contacted the Freedom Fighters and there was now a randevu point in the colonies of the Earth Kingdom. Jet would be returned to his family and Zuko would never have to see him again. Jet had apparently asked to see Zuko again, the guards had refused to let him. Zuko is glad they made that choice for him. He may have stupidly gone to see Jet, making him so much worse. 

Nai seemed to understand that the fact that Jet still felt like he had the right to be around Zuko had gotten to him. Today, they hadn’t talked much yet, they just worked on what Nai referred to as ‘grounding exercises’. They focused on breathing. Breath in for 3 seconds, hold it for 3, exhale for 3, wait for 3, and then repeat. It would be to ease panic while using his other technique. Nai told him to search for five things he could see, four he could hear, three he could feel, two he could smell, and one he could taste. Apparently it was supposed to ground his mind back into his body. The breathing was to just stop him from hyperventilating and calm his heart rate. Nai had said that he hopes he would never need it, but Zuko was sure, knowing himself, that he would need it in a matter of hours before something set him off.

“Zuko? I need to ask you something important, and I need you to be honest with me and I would like you to answer. If you don’t want to answer I would rather you tell me that than lie, can you do that?” Zuko looks up at Nai, breath faltering for a moment before biting his lip and nodding tentatively. 

“Have you ever intentionally hurt yourself and if so, how? Don’t worry, I don’t need to see anything if the answer is yes and you don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to, but it would be helpful.” Zuko nods slowly, shame heating his face. “I-I burn myself with my bending and cut myself with my dao blades. I…I’m sorry, sir.” He whispers, pulling his knees to his chest and hanging his head in shame. 

He feels a gentle, tentative hand on his shoulder, he doesn’t need to look up to know it’s Nai. “Zuko, you don’t need to apologize to me for hurting yourself. It’s not me that’s getting hurt. May I ask if you starve yourself as a form of self harm or is it solely because you’re sick from anxiety?” Zuko shrugs, honestly unsure if there was something else behind his unwillingness to eat. 

“A-anymore questions, sir?” He whispers. Nai had tried to get Zuko to just call him by his name especially because Nai was simply referring to Zuko, the Fire Lord, by his name. The idea of calling Nai that to his face struck fear into his heart. He had never even felt comfortable calling the men on his ship by their names, always by their title. That form of respect had been ingrained in him through sheer terror by his father. Zuko calling others by a more formal title is safer. People calling Zuko by his first name is safer. He just needs to feel as safe as possible. Zuko knows that he has power over Nai, but it doesn’t mean that he has given a lot of that to Nai through these sessions. The man could easily neutralize any and all threats he made through blackmail or cruelty, exploiting the weaknesses Nai knows about. 

“I just have two more questions, Zuko. I know this is difficult, but it’s important, alright?” Zuko nods numbly. “Have you ever tried to kill yourself? Not done something and it almost got you killed, but with the intention of trying to take your own life.” Zuko shakes his head.

“Okay, good, that’s good. This is the last question and the one I need you to be honest with the most. Do you have a suicide plan and if so, what is it?” Zuko looks up at Nai, biting his lip hard enough to taste blood and nods. “I-I want to go up to the top of one of the towers of the palace and jump. It’s why I stopped going up there, scared that I might actually do it. That I might lose control for a moment and…that would be enough.” He lowers his head, feeling deeply ashamed.

“Thank you for telling me that, Zuko. I would like to tell your aunts and guards that have shifts at the top of the towers that, I won’t if you don’t want me to. Your aunts are worried about you and want to understand more about what’s going on. If you end up going to them in times of emotional distress and I think it would be easier on everyone if they understood the severity of it. The guards would be so if you do go up there, they don’t allow you near the edge without someone nearby. It would be preventative action. It would be easier if they know the possibilities than if you just ran up there and did so with no warning. Again, the decision in yours to make. This isn’t to berate and mock you publicly, it’s to keep you safe. I won’t be disappointed in you if you say no, you’re always allowed to change your mind and tell people if you want.” 

Zuko bites the inside of his lip enough to hurt a little but not enough to draw blood.  _ You really are about to let everyone know how weak you are? You’re willing to announce to the Fire Nation, to the world that you, the Fire Lord are too weak to live? Tell everyone that you’re incapable of taking care of yourself? Of being alone? You are an indescribable stain on the royal family. You’re disgusting. Just because you should end your life doesn’t mean everyone should know it was intentional. Someone could have always pushed you or you could have fallen. You should end your pathetic life but don’t you  _ dare  _ let anyone else know you want to. Too many already know. You’re to weak, far too wear, fa– _

“I-I’ll think about it!” Zuko yelps, digging his fingernails into his arms.

“Hey, Zuko, your anxiety is really, really high. Has anything happened recently? How much sleep are you getting at night and how often are you eating? And when was the last time you ate?”

Zuko glances up at Nai, a little confused. “Nothing else has happened recently that you don’t know about. Haven’t been sleeping much, maybe an hour or two every night. Scared of nightmares, I don’t think I can handle them right now. Usually having someone sleep with me makes it easier to sleep and not have nightmares. It's just…I don’t want to risk it. Maybe now that Jet is gone it will be easier. I used to eat more regularly before Jet in Ba Sing Se, I don’t know how often now, whenever I don’t feel too horribly sick and one of my aunts tries to get me to eat I sometimes do. I probably ate last two days ago.” Zuko shrugs.

Nai sighs, looking at Zuko sadly. “A big reason why you aren’t doing so well is because you’re all over the place. Right now, we are going to create a schedule for you and on normal days I want you to follow it. There needs to be certain times for sleeping, you have said that meditation helps calm you, so I want you to meditate for at least half an hour before you go to bed. I also want you to mediate when you wake up. You need to pick out three times during the day when you’re going to eat. In the times left, I want you to pick out times to fulfill your duties as the Fire Lord, times to train with either bending, hand to hand combat, or your swords. The time left will be for leisure, but I want you staying out of your bedroom and your office during that time unless you’re briefly running in to get something. Spend that time reading, socializing, in the city, or even just sitting in the courtyard. I know you said you liked feeding the turtle ducks. There will of course be days where this doesn’t work, but most of the time it will. I think this is the first real step you need to take with everything that you have told me this past bit. Regular eating, sleeping, exercise, and a regular schedule will help calm your mind. You need that above anything else right now. It won’t fix the underlying issues, but it will help calm you so we can properly address them. Alright, Zuko? I would like for you to sit down and start making a schedule. I know you have an impeccable sense of time being a firebender, that’s what mine comes in handy for most of the time so you may use whatever units you want as long as they make sense to you.”

Zuko cocks his head a little. “You’re a firebender?” He asks quietly, he has never seen Nai firebend and he doesn’t look like one. However, Nai nods one and flames dance over his fingers for a moment before they are extinguished. “Don’t use it too often besides telling time, lighting candles, and starting fires.” He shrugs.

Zuko had never known that there would be many people who only kind of used their bending like it wasn’t something vitally important to them. It didn’t seem particularly important to Nai, just kind of something that would occasionally come in handy to him.

He is pulled from his thoughts about Nai’s bending when he is handed a piece of paper and a board. “Would you be willing to start writing a schedule now? I think that it would be good for you to start this as soon as you can.” 

Zuko nods slowly, placing the board on his lab and putting the paper on top of that as Nai sits next to him on the couch, offering him a bottle of ink and a brush. Zuko takes them and begins to write his schedule out while discussing with Nai about what he thought should be done. Something this simple didn’t seem like it would do anything, but meditation did help and he hadn’t been on a set schedule in years. He was willing to try just about anything to get better. Anything if it didn’t mean he would always feel like this. So he wouldn’t feel the creature eating away at everything that he had left inside of him and wouldn’t have to hear his father’s voice anymore.

They work together on it diligently until there is something that they can both agree on. Zuko would just wake up naturally, Agni would wake him up at sunrise most days if he wasn’t already up or sick and fast asleep. Once he got up, the first thing he would do is drink water followed by at least 30 minutes of meditation. If he had a bad night, it would be better to do it for longer. 

After meditating, he would go down to the kitchen and eat breakfast with his aunts and just spend some time with them. That would last about an hour. This would give him a chance to eat and spend time with people who made him feel safe and who he cared about. 

After breakfast, he would go to the training grounds and train for about an hour, however, if he got particularly tired, Nai insisted that Zuko listen to his body and stop early. He said that it sounded like Zuko had a habit of using overexertion as a form of self harm as well whether or not it was conscious. 

He would then bathe, something he had been bad at doing many days, and then attend to any of his Fire Lord duties that consisted of paperwork directly after. He would be brought lunch during that time likely by one of his aunts and take a short break while talking to one of them. Nai insisted someone bring him lunch out of worry that Zuko would work through it if he walked to the kitchen alone. If he seemed to be in need of going down there, he could go down after his aunt came. 

After lunch is when he would have scheduled meetings if he needed to. If there were none, he would continue with paperwork. Keeping on top of it so that it wouldn’t pile and he wouldn’t have to or get to bury himself in it. 

After that was done, he would have time for leisure until it was time for his session with Nai. During this time Nai made it clear multiple times to not go into his bedroom nor his office. He needed to change the scenery around him regularly to keep himself properly stimulated and healthy. 

After his session with Nai, he would then go to the kitchens with his aunts where he would eat dinner. When the sun began to set he would go up to his room and meditate for at least another 30 minutes before going back to bed.

“Zuko, I’m aware that this is a strict schedule, but after you’re able to develop a normal sleep schedule and eat regularly, you can begin to deviate from it. Not significantly, if it’s working you don’t want to change all too much. When I say deviate I mean if you don’t have a meeting one day and don’t have it in you to do anymore work, then don’t. The main thing I want you to focus on is not burying yourself in work as a method of escape, eating and sleeping regularly, and not holing yourself up in your room or office. Before you start to deviate, I want you to talk to me.” Zuko nods, feeling a little better already, having some hope for this. Maybe it was just pure desperation at this point. 

“On top of that, I know that the Kyoshi Warriors as well as Sokka are coming here soon. You have talked about your…infatuation with Sokka.” Nai looks at Zuko pointedly. Zuko swallows, unsure if Nai’s issue with this was that Sokka is a man. Nai is sitting next to Zuko and is closer to the door. Nai could stop him from leaving the room.  _ You really just let him trap you in here. Do you think that he just accidentally let it slide that he was a firebender the same day that he wanted to talk about Sokka? The same day that he wants to sit close to you? Make it so you have to get past him to leave? You’re an idiot. He wants something from you, Zuko. He either wants to hurt you, let you know how disgusting you are, or he wants to see if you really do like having a man inside of you. You know what’s about to happen, Zuko. _

Zuko shoves Nai away from him roughly, causing Nai to stumble to his feet and for Zuko to topple over to the floor. Nai looks at him with concern and confusion as Zuko scrambles to his feet, getting into a fighting stance. “Zuko, wha–”

“L-let me past. Move to the s-side and let me pass and I won’t h-hurt you. Let me pass  _ now! _ ” He can feel his hands trembling, that doesn’t mean he can’t destroy Nai where he stands. Nai doesn’t say anything, he just nods and sits on the bench slowly.

Zuko begins to inch past him, holding his hands at ready if Nai decides to attack. He’s almost at the door when Nai says something. “I’m not sure what you’re scared I might do to you, Zuko. or why Sokka triggered it. If you open the door and stand in the doorframe, I’ll stay here and can I finish what I was going to say? I’m assuming whatever just set you off was made worse by the fact I was blocking your exit, I’m sorry, it was careless of me and it won’t happen again. Will you be willing to listen to me?” Nai looks up meeting Zuko’s eyes, looking sad.

Zuko nods tentatively, opening the door and standing in the frame, glancing down both sides of the hallway to see if there is anyone. Just guards relatively close by. Close enough to hear him scream if Nai came at him. 

“What I was going to say, Zuko,” Nai begins, drawing his attention back to the man. “You have described your feelings for Sokka as a crush out of hand or that you’re in love with him. It sounds a lot more like an obsession to me. I don’t doubt that you have real feelings for him, but they have become something destructive that would hurt both of you. When he comes, yes, spend time with him, he’s your friend. However, I don’t want you clinging to him like I know you will want to. It won’t be good for you or him. Once your feelings for him are either a healthier form of a crush where you don’t idealize him or hinge a lot of how you could be happy on him or you go back to just seeing him as a friend, I wouldn’t worry as much. Right now you need to be careful, someone will get hurt, likely you. Alright, Zuko? That’s all I wanted to say.”

Zuko nods solemnly. “I-I’m sorry, sir.” he whispers after a long moment of silence, feeling guilty and stupid for thinking that every grown man with any form of power of him, no matter how little, might hurt him. Especially like  _ that. _ He hears father laughing cruelly, mocking him and Zuko digs his fingernails into his arms, hard.

“It’s alright, Zuko.” Nai says calmly. “You’ve been through a lot. I know you have trust issues. I’m not angry at you. For the record, I have no intentions of harming you in any way. I think it might be best if we were to end our session now and if you don’t want to see me tomorrow, I understand. You don’t have to make up your mind now. Alright?”

Zuko nods slowly, looking down.

“Before you go, just a few more things I want to say. Won’t take long. I promise.”

Zuko looks up at him, hoping Nai understands Zuko wants him to go on. The man is good with picking up on body language. He had said that he did work with trauma victims, maybe it was something he had picked up through that. He may have always been good at.

“I’m aware that you have informed the guards outside your room to make you up from nightmares so that there isn’t a repeat of the other night. I would make sure to ask them again when your aunts take you off of suicide watch. I have no idea when that will be. It seems like they think of you as their own and would react as if their son had died if you did, so you’ll have to talk to them about that, not me. Second of all, please start your schedule tonight. You need to eat and sleep. It will be really hard the first few days. The hardest day is usually the third day for most people, and then it begins to get easier, so don’t get upset with yourself if it’s harder the next day and even harder the next. It will be hard for a while, but less so. I promise you that it will get better, alright?” He slides the piece of paper across the floor, allowing Zuko to safely pick it up from a distance.

Zuko nods again. “Th-thank you, sir. I’ll let you know when I want to see you again. I’ll try my best to sleep, I’m sorry I assumed the worst.” He doesn’t wait to hear Nai answer, he just begins to hurry down to the kitchens, needing to see his aunts. Just needed to feel safe again, think about and process what had just happened in his safe haven where he was loved and cared for.

As he walks towards the kitchens, it is noticeable that the staff acts different around him. Every day since his break down, less and less people were skittish around him. Some people looked at him with pity, some with concern, others with just kindness. There weren’t very many who looked at him that way, but he liked it when they did. It certainly made him feel less like his father when walking around the palace dressed as the Fire Lord. He didn’t like the fear in the gazes he used to always draw. Maybe the staff understood that Zuko had been hurt by Ozai just as much as anyone was, if not more. That no one hated that man more than Zuko does.

He doesn’t like the fact that everyone knows he is broken. He really hopes that not many people know the fact that he had been assaulted multiple times. He really hopes that people kept their mouths shut about that aspect of what had happened. He doesn’t want details spread and that is the biggest one. He still feels so much shame about what had been done to him. He feels used, disgusting, violated, exposed. It doesn’t help hearing his father affirm those feelings when there isn’t anyone else making sound. When he has no one left to listen to but father’s cruel words. 

He walks into the kitchen and finds Syn, Suli, and Ozana working together, sitting at a table and preparing vegetables, meats, and spices. Ezami is sitting by the stove and Zelia isn’t here. 

“Zuko, sweetheart, what are you doing here so early? I thought you were going to be with Nai for a little longer?” Ozana says warmly when she sees him. 

Zuko shrugs. “Ended early. I don’t really want to talk about it or about anything at all. Just wanted to be around you guys and listen. Where’s Zelia? Can I help with anything?” He wraps his arms around his stomach, looking down.

“Zelia was feeling unwell, just a bad headache, she’ll be fine, she’s had them before this time of year. We got her to drink some water and head home. We figured you wouldn’t mind. If you want to help cut up and take the seeds out from the chile peppers that would be helpful.” Suli says, gesturing for him to sit at the table with her.

Zuko slowly joins them, carefully taking a knife and cutting the chili peppers in half by length and scraping the seeds out into a bowl. They would later be dried, crushed, and stored to be added to particularly spicy dishes or when chili’s weren’t as readily available. They don’t have the same flavor but are significantly spicier and are good in soups and stir fries. The spiciness from the peppers burns the tips of his fingers a little, not badly, like an interesting tingling sensation. He would just have to remember to not touch his face, that's when it would actually hurt.

He listens to his aunts talk around him, their voices calming him as they chat about nothing in particular, occasionally looking at him as a silent way of asking if he wants to be included in the conversation. He always shakes his head, smiling at them. He already feels a lot better and just wants to continue listening to them talking around him. 

A few people come in during this time to bring his aunts something, ask for something, or just to talk to them. Despite the fact most of these people have seen him in the kitchens a lot over the past few months and it isn’t uncommon for Zuko to help with cooking, many of them still give him odd and concerned looks. One young man who Zuko had never seen before, who is likely new to the kitchen, had looked especially concerned and offered to cut the peppers for him, clearly unsure if he should ask  _ why  _ Zuko was working in the kitchen. Zuko had responded by giving the man a small smile and shook his head. Thankfully, he left it at that. 

“Do you need me to do anything else?” Zuko asks softly when he finishes with the peppers. Ezami shakes her head. “No, just go wash your hands really well. Don’t want you to hurt yourself by touching your eyes.” 

Zuko just nods in reply, grateful for the fact that he didn’t need to talk to easily communicate with his aunts. It made it easier when he was in moods like this or just exhausted or overwhelmed. He washes his hands thoroughly as when he turns back around all of his aunts are giving him concerned looks. 

“Zuko, you promise me that no one did anything to you? If you don’t want us to say or do anything about it we won’t. Just please tell me if someone hurt you. You’re not just overwhelmed. You have that haunted look on your face. I just want to understand what’s happening. I want to make sure you're safe. Come here, pumpkin.” Ezami puts down her mixing spoon and opens her arms, offering Zuko a warm embrace which he readily takes. He walks over and falls into her arms, resting his head against her shoulder.

“Nothing happened. I just thought something was. I panicked and hearing my father made it worse because he was confirming what I was thinking and I just freaked out. I promise that no one hurt me or even tried to. I just misunderstood something and blew it out of proportion. I promise I’m alright. Nai gave me some advice for trying to begin eating and sleeping regularly. I promised I’m going to try hard and I really want to get better.” He mumbles into Ezami’s shoulder, feeling safe in her arms.

“Okay, Zuko, I trust you. I want you to get better as well. You’re going to be alright. We were talking and we’ve become less worried about you doing something to hurt yourself at night. However, if you still want one of us there for a bit longer for whatever reason please just say something. Whoever stays with you was likely going to sleep here anyways. You’re still in a fragile state even if you are doing better than the other week. Would you like for one of use to sleep with you still?” She touches Zuko’s cheek, encouraging him to meet her gaze.

Zuko complies, nodding once. “Please. I-I was worried that Nai might do something to me today, that’s what had me freaked out. I promise it was just a misunderstanding, he didn’t try to hurt me in any way. I think he can help me a-and I don’t want to have any nightmares about him before I fully trust him. It’ll make everything harder. My nightmares are always vivid and I don’t want those memories.”

“Of course. It’s going to be alright. Do you know when the Kyoshi warriors are going to get here? I think that it would be good for you to see them again.”

Zuko nods. “They should be here in about two weeks. I sent an air ship a few days ago so they could begin to pack everything on it. I don’t know what all they would bring considering it’s a long term thing. I’m excited to see them. I hope Mai and Sokka come as well, I’ve missed them too. Suki had said that Katara and Aang may come as well considering Sokka hasn’t seen his sister in a while. Toph might come as well. It would be nice to see everyone again.”

Ezami pulls away, smiling, patting Zuko’s shoulder before he sits back down next to Suli. 

“Zuko,” Ozana begins, putting down her knife and looking at him. “Have you told Nai that you can hear your father’s voice talking to you when you get worked up? I know you don’t like talking about it but that isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy, it’s actually very concerning.” 

Zuko shakes his head, looking down, feeling ashamed. He hadn’t told even his aunts that he could hear father most of the time now. Most of what father said wasn’t cohesive, but his voice was cruel and it was  _ father’s  _ voice which was bad enough already. “Zuko, you  _ need _ to tell Nai about that. The fact that you can hear your father at all is concerning after what he did to you. You don’t have to pretend like what he did didn’t hurt you in ways that don’t always show. You deserve to be free of that man. Let Nai help you.”

Ozana reaches her hand across the table, taking Zuko’s in her own. “I love you, Zuko. I love you so much and you deserve to be happy and feel safe. You deserve to heal. I know that it’s hard and that it may make you uncomfortable for awhile, however, the end result is what you deserve. Please understand that.”

Zuko squeezes her hands. “Thank you. I love you too. All of you. Thank you. I don’t know what would have happened last week if I hadn’t met you guys. I really don’t.” He feels Suli press a kiss to his head and he moves closer to her. He continues listening to them talk, their warm voices calming him. Making him believe that he truly would be alright. Like he is safe and loved. Something he had looked for in his father, the man who was supposed to care for him and Zuko had only been met by cruelty by his hand. Something he had essentially searched the world for and had found it in the people who he had been taught were below him.

Zuko had found safety and love in five servants who had done nothing but care for and support him. They had made sure that he ate, supporting him when he did and holding him close when he didn’t. They let him break down in their arms, making sure none of the pieces were lost as they held him close and soothed his pain. They just let him enjoy their company when he needed to be around people but had no capacity for real interaction. They didn’t push him to give what he couldn’t in any situation. They offered what the people who were supposed to offer him in his life hadn’t. His direct family had treated him with cruelty. His aunts had only shown him unconditional love and support without looking for anything in return, similar to what uncle had done for him. 

He had found love and safety in Team Avatar, especially from Sokka and Toph. Zuko had done so much to warrant their hatred but they had treated him kindly and forgiven him again and again. They had made him feel safe and wanted. Gone out of their way to come see him, to make sure that he was alright, to comfort him in times of pain. His father would have just called Sokka a savage and only seen Toph as her blindness. He wouldn’t have seen them as people.

Zuko had thought that the cruelty he had been shown by his family was the closest thing to kindness that there was in the world. That being broken down was a form of love, it would mean that you came back stronger than before. Less likely to break again. Hurting someone in a place they could heal was more affectionate than an embrace or a kind word. It was a way of proving love so that when one was hurt in a place of danger, they knew how to survive. How to mend their wound. How to lessen the damage it would cause from years of training. Zuko hadn’t even realized he had cracks running through his soul, one moment away from shattering into something unrecognizable when he had left the idea of cruelty as a form of love behind along with any hope of love from his father ever manifesting itself. 

He has no idea how long he sits there, listening to his aunts talking, smiling a little, occasionally helping mash spices with the pestle, chopping up something, or helping peel something. He doubts he’s contributing much to this considering his aunts have cooked as a profession for years and are fast at all of this. He’s pretty sure they just want to make him feel included and give him something to do with his hands. He’s grateful for them. When all of this is done, Ezami serves five bowls of sir fty at the prep table after they clean it off.

Zuko mostly picks at his food, eating a few vegetables, a few bites of rice, and some pieces of kimono chicken. It’s good, he just doesn’t feel like he can stomach anymore without becoming sick. It’s more than he was going to eat if Nai hadn’t made himself very clear about how this would help his progress to a degree. He really does want to get better. He doesn’t want to break down again and leave his aunts to pick up the pieces. It isn’t fair to them. He doesn’t want to burden them anymore. He just wants them to love him, not have to fix him. 

He wants to be able to form healthy relationships with people. To trust easier, to allow people to touch him and it not bring back horrible memories of how others had hurt him. He just wants gentle kindness and to be able to allow people into his life without suffocating fear. To be able to move past Sokka with someone else who will treat him well. Someone who won’t take advantage of him. Someone to just hold him close, pressing kisses to Zuko’s face in head. Someone Zuko would do his best to make them happy in every way that he could without hurting himself. Without feeling like he needs to give more than he is able to to get them to stay. 

“Zuko, sweetheart?” He looks up at Ozana, cocking his head a little. “How about you go upstairs and get ready for bed? I’ll be up soon, you should try and get some sleep. You haven’t gotten much of any for the past three days.”

Zuko nods. “Uh, Nai wanted me to meditate for at least half an hour before I sleep. I had told him it calms my mind and that is part of my schedule we created today. He wants me to keep myself scheduled. Said it might help calm me down a little to better assess what’s wrong. He wants it so I’m eating and sleeping regularly and my days are predictable so I don’t get overwhelmed as easily.” He bites his lip, it still hurts from drawing blood earlier. 

‘I think that’s a wonderful idea. Can you tell us more about it? If you feel comfortable doing so.’ Syn communicates, looking at him. Zuko nods and quickly gives them a layout of what his days would look like as he hands them the paper that he had written on earlier during his session with Nai. 

“I want to go meditate. Need to just calm down.” He finishes before any of them can say anything to him. He gets a few silent nods before he hurries out of the kitchens and up towards his bedroom.

He is thankful that no one says anything to him, he just feels emotionally exhausted. He just needs to rest his mind and hopefully it will actually let him. Hopefully he won’t be plagued with anxiety all night, denying him sleep or worse bringing him horrible nightmares that would haunt him even the next day. He needs sleep to truly bring him rest. He has needed that for a long time.

When he reaches his room, he changes into night clothes first. He is confident that Ozana had wanted him to go ahead of her because she knew that Zuko didn’t like changing in front of other people even if he trusted them. She understands that it is a vulnerable position for him to be put in and his previous encounters where people have taken advantage of moments of vulnerability have left him warry. Have made moments like that easy times to trigger panic. 

After he has dressed, he lights candles and sits down in front of them, controlling the fire within him and that which he can touch with his energy. He tries to focus on his breath, the rhythm of his heart, the heat and strength of the fire. He moves his mind away from his father, Jet, Zhao, everything and everyone who has hurt him, just focusing inward. 

When he feels calm, body and mind relaxed he opens his eyes and sees Ozana sitting on the edge of his bed, smiling softly at him. “Do you feel any better, sweetheart?” She asks, Zuko nods, extinguishes all four candles with one, soft breath as he stands, walking over to the bed.

Ozana wraps her arms around him, pulling him close to her, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “No matter what happens, Zuko, no matter if something happens, if we fight, if we go months without speaking for whatever reason, I want you to know that I’ll love you. Whatever happens, even if I’m mad at you, it won’t change that I love you. As far as I am concerned, you are my child, and you will get the same treatment as my boys do. They drive me up the wall regularly, sometimes we don’t talk, and it’s not out of anger, or spite, just life happens. Sometimes we fight and say things we don’t mean to each other. No matter what happens, I love them even if I’m furious with them. I know that you’ve had a lot of bad experiences with abandonment, and I feel as though you need a reminder that you will always be loved and wanted by me. If you feel as though I am upset for you for any reason, just remember that. I don’t ever want you thinking that I hate you or don’t love you anymore. Okay, sweetheart?”

Zuko feels tears prick in his eyes as he wraps his arms around Ozana, pulling her close. “I-I love you too…mom.” He whispers, hoping she doesn’t get angry at him for the last bit. Praying that she doesn’t leave him behind now because he interpreted that wrong. 

Instead, he feels her press another kiss to his head. “Get some sleep, Zuko. I’ll keep you safe as long as I can. I love you so much.” She continues mumbling words of comfort as Zuko comfortably drifts off to sleep in her arms, a soft smile on his face. 

  
  
  
  


It had been a little over two weeks and Zuko has been doing better. A lot better. His aunts had stopped sleeping with him a little over a week ago and he had only had two of his particularly bad nightmares. The ones where he was left screaming, crying, and writhing in pain and fear. Arik had woken him up one night, waking him up by touching his face first before his shoulder. Arik had sat beside Zuko and rubbed his back as he calmed down, coaxing him back to sleep. The other night, the guard must have not listened to Zuko’s warning about touching his face and calming him down before anywhere else and Zuko had broken the guard’s nose, screaming louder and thrashing wildly in his sleep. The guard had been brought to the healers and someone else had woken Zuko. He hadn’t slept the rest of that night, too scared that he would have another nightmare. 

The next day had left him apologizing profusely to the guard whose nose he had broken. The man seemed very confused and nervous about the Fire Lord not only apologizing to him but practically begging for forgiveness. Zuko had given him paid leave to recover some, feeling guilty. The guard had recently introduced himself as Tai when he came back, not fully healed but feeling better. He had taught Zuko a few card games that they would play together sometimes when he was nervous about going to sleep. It also calmed him, he would still meditate afterwards before going to bed. 

Zuko had only had seven panic attacks in the last two weeks. Seems like a lot, but with Zuko’s track record of multiple a day, he would happily take it averaging out to once every other day. On top of that, they hadn’t been the worst one’s he had ever had. He was able to self soothe for a few of them and then broke off his schedule and went to see his aunts for a little to ease his mind with their presence. He would then return to his schedule and make it through the rest of the day as best he could.

Zuko didn’t manage to eat every meal, he would pick at them a lot of the time, but he ate every day even if just a little. He had decided that he liked nibbling on lunch with the turtle ducks, maybe feeding it to some of them. He knew it wasn’t part of his schedule to begin with but Nai had thought that if he was doing something calm and eating, it was fine. It gave him some time alone where he didn’t need to be around people. He just got to relax and unwind. It made him feel better. Feel calmer.

Zuko had made sure to tell all of this to Nai during their session today before they really started. He wanted to let him know that the schedule was doing some good for him. He feels better than he has in awhile. Less on edge, less exhausted. It also helped that ever sense his incident with Nai, the man had been careful to sit farther from the door than Zuko and never in a way that he could grab him easily or block his path. He appreciates that Nai understands what he needs without Zuko having to talk about these things over and over again, bringing back horrible memories.

“That is good progress, Zuko. Very good progress. I’m proud of you for doing so well and trying so hard. I want to remind you that relapse happens and it’s normal. Just because you start getting worse doesn’t mean you're a lost cause, it just means something else is going on or a method you're using simply isn’t working anymore. That’s more if it’s consistent, if it’s just a few days, everyone has bad days and that will affect you as well. If it happens consistently, just tell me and we’ll figure out what to do next together. I won’t be disappointed in you, it happens all the time. Don’t hide the fact that you’re in pain from me, I can’t help you if I don’t know.”

Zuko nods, looking down, unsure if one of his aunts had mentioned that Zuko was keeping something from Nai. Zuko had kept the creature quiet from just about everyone including his aunts. He had written about it in all the letters he hadn’t sent to Sokka, a few more knew about his father’s voice. His aunts, Jet, and Toph. 

“Sir…I wanna tell you something but I don’t really want to get too into it right now. I’m feeling a little better and I don’t wanna talk about this too much right now, but can I just tell you?” He looks at Nai desperately. Maybe just telling him would give Nai a little bit of time to think about it and Zuko to enjoy a few more days that aren’t soul crushing and actually bearable. 

“Of course, Zuko. Did someone do something to you recently?” He looks concerned, Zuko just shakes his head. “No…this has been happening the whole time you’ve been here, like it started a long time ago, but it’s been going on the whole time you’ve been here. I’m sorry…I’m just embarrassed and it’s hard to talk about. It’s going to make me sound crazy, like I know you probably already think that, but you’re going to think i’m insane. He told me that. That if you knew, you wouldn’t see a point in helping me…you would leave.” Zuko digs his nails into his thighs hard, hearing father growl threats in his ear and degrading him further. Threats to expose him for the  _ thing  _ he really is. That Zuko will be torn apart if he says anything else. 

Nai moves a little closer to him. “Zuko, what’s wrong? Who told you that? Are you in danger?” Nai offers Zuko his hand, eyes wide with worry. 

Zuko accepts Nai’s offer, gripping his hand tight, closing his eyes, feeling tears roll down his cheek. He breathes heavily for a few minutes before finally speaking. “I-I can hear my father. I can  _ always  _ hear him. H-He tells me to hurt myself, to starve myself, that i’m worthless, that i’m a thing, that people are always going to hurt and leave me and that it’s my fault that they do. He tells me that everything that has ever happened to me is my fault. He tells me which methods of suicide are acceptable so that people don’t know I killed myself but I made it so I don’t stain the earth with my presence anymore. He says that if I don’t want to be hurt anymore or to kill myself, I need to beg him to leave his cell and beg for a place at his feet. He’ll hurt me as much as he wants, but he won’t let anyone else touch me. I-I at least wouldn’t have to worry about being assaulted again. I-I’m so scared of him, sir. I-I sometimes really think about listening to him, depending on the day at what I want to listen to but it’s all of it and I’m so scared I’ll do it. I-I’m  _ so  _ scared, sir. I need him to go away.”

Nai is silent for a long moment, but he doesn’t let go of Zuko’s hand. Zuko feels terror build in his chest, he can hear his father laughing cruelly. Nai was going to leave, he now knows Zuko isn’t worth the trouble. Zuko is just going to have to remain broken.

“At the hospital, psychiatrists are allowed to talk to each other about what others’ patients are facing. It’s usually to get a second or third opinion on something if one of us isn’t quite sure what to do or just wants to confirm that what they’re doing is in agreement with others. I shouldn’t be telling you this but I think that it would help both you and your sister work past what your father did to you. All I want is to be able to tell Azula that you can hear Ozai, it might help her.”

Zuko opens his eyes, looking up at Nai. He isn’t sure what to think, if this is for better or for worse. If this means this is really something his father had done to him and not something that makes him broken. “Azula can hear him too?” He whispers. “I-It’s not just me? Am I not broken? Please, sir, I know you can’t tell me too much about her, you can tell her  _ anything  _ about me, just  _ please _ . What’s happening to me?” He begs, gripping Nai’s hand with both of his. He  _ needs  _ to know. He needs to understand so maybe he can feel better. Be better. 

“Your father was your life long abuser for both of you. For both of you, a lot of your self worth and sense revolved around him for a long time. Most of what you did was because he told you to. You’re not hearing him, that’s your own inner monologue. I promise he’s not in your head, it’s your own voice and it’s been warped to sound like his. He’s put you through so much and is so deeply rooted in who you are and why you are afraid that it’s nearly impossible to let go. For Azula, it’s why she’s so angry and violent. It’s not uncommon for trauma victims to have a strong attachment to their abuser whether or not they’re conscious of it. I know it’s hard to heal when you can hear him all the time. I know that me telling you that it’s all just in your head won’t solve it. It’s real to you and that’s what matters. The fact that you know you sound crazy is good. It means you have a grip on reality. When you’re really going crazy, you just think you’re sane and it’s everyone else who’s crazy. I understand that you don’t want to talk about this too much today, and I won’t make you. I just want you to understand that you’re not alone. You’re not crazy. You’re just in pain.”

Just feels like a heavy, hot piece of metal had been removed from his chest, as he lets at a soft sob of relief. “Th-thank you, sir. Really, thank you. Thank you so much. For everything. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I understand that was hard for you to talk about. Thank you for trusting me. We’ll get through this, Zuko. I promise. I know it doesn’t seem like too much yet, but you’ve made so much progress with the amount of time you’ve been talking to me. You’re doing so well.”

Zuko gives him a small smile. “There’s one more thing. I don’t want to talk about it today, but I just want you to be aware of it while I have the nerve. I wrote a bunch of letters to Sokka that I never intended to send, they’re still in my desk and they talk about the creature more in depth. I-I don’t really want to talk about it right now…maybe not ever. But I could show them to you at some point as an intermediate. There are several letters, a few exclusively talk about the creature. It scares me. Makes me think there will be nothing left of me if it gets hungry enough.” His whispers in a shaky voice, feeling it stir in his chest as he talks about it.

“The...creature? What creature?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it anymore than I am right now. I haven't even told my aunts about it. I just want you to know so you can hold me accountable to tell you later. Please, sir?” 

Nai nods once. “Is there anything else you want to talk about or do you want to end the session for today?”

Zuko bites his raw lip again. “I-I want to see my aunts. Need to calm down. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Thank you for sharing this with me, Zuko. You’re going to be alright.” Zuko gives Nai a small smile before slipping out of the room and down the hallways. A couple of people give him sad looks as he walks towards the kitchen, they can probably tell that he’s been crying. Unfortunately, most of the palace has seen him like this, not as much in the past few weeks, but he would still break down and they had all probably seen the aftermath in the months prior. It doesn’t mean it still isn’t embarrassing.

As he walks towards the kitchen he hears a loud voice that sounds a lot like Toph’s. He cocks his head a little in confusion, picking up his pace, curious as to why Toph would be here. He would have probably known if Sokka had come.  _ Maybe Sokka is here. _

A grin spreads on his face as he walks even faster, knowing he looks like an idiot and not caring. “Sokka?” He calls as he walks into the back room of the kitchen. Zelia and Suli are sitting at the prep table along with Toph, and two other people he barely registers out of the corner of his bad eye. Ezami, Syn, and Ozana are standing in various parts of the room, busying themselves with various tasks. 

“Hey, Sparky, sorry to ruin your mood, but meathead isn’t here. You gotta calm down about him, you’re gonna freak him out.” Toph teases, drinking what Zuko presumes is tea.

Zuko ignores her, walking over to Ozana and wrapping his arms around her, needing to feel safe. “Zuko, sweetheart, are you alright?” She asks him softly, putting down what she is working on and pulling him into her arms. 

Zuko nods. “I am now. I told Nai about my father. Just overwhelmed. I promise I’m alright.” She rocks him gently in her arms, rubbing his back for a few minutes, mumbling praise in his ear, before they pull away and Ozana nudges him towards the prep table with the others. He looks at the two people he had barely noticed before and a smile forms a little again. “Aang! Katara! You came…why are you here? I mean, I’m happy to see you and all, it’s not like I want you to leave or anything I just…hi.” He waves awkwardly, walking towards them.

Aang jumps up, pulling Zuko into a tight hug. “We’re here because we missed you. Also Sokka and Suki will be here soon, I haven’t seen all of Team Avatar in one place since the end of the war.” 

Katara walks over, embracing him as well, he lets out a long, slow breath, feeling tension leaving his body as they embrace him. Making him feel loved in safety in a way he can always convince himself he doesn’t deserve. In a way father always reminds him he could never deserve. 

“I missed you too.” He mumbles. He really had missed his friends. He had missed them a lot. He can’t help but to smile a little again. Even if Sokka wasn’t here, Toph, Katara, and Aang are wonderful. He is pretty sure that Toph isn’t joining the group hug because she wouldn’t let the others know that she had a big soft spot for Zuko. 

Katara touches his cheek, turning his head a little to face her better, she looks concerned. “Zuko…are you alright? You’ve been crying. Did something happen?”

Zuko shakes his head and then shrugs, not sure if something did happen. Nothing really did, but he can trace back to exactly why he was crying. He had told Nai about his father’s voice, something he was not ready to share with Katara or Aang. “I, uh, I had a rough session with my therapist just before I came here. It’s personal, difficult, and I don’t want to talk about it. Please just drop it, I promise that nothing just happened.”

Katara opens her mouth to say something but Aang speaks first. “You’re seeing a therapist? That’s actually really good. No offence, but I’m really glad you’re getting help. Your nightmares had me worried in the air temple. You threw fire at me the one time I tried to wake you up and I figured it would be better to leave you alone.” 

Zuko nods once, pulling away from the hug and wrapping his arms around his stomach. “I’m sorry. For keeping you up and for throwing fire at you, but really, can we  _ please _ drop it at least for now? We can talk about it when I’m in a better headspace, I just…I need to calm down.” He looks between the two of them nervously. They both just look worried but they agree and the tree of them go to sit down.

Zuko sits down next to Toph, she gently punches him for Aang and Katara to see but then holds his hand under the table. He squeezes her hand, smiling. 

“So, Zuko, you pretty much ran in here with the biggest, dumbest grin on your face when you thought that Sokka was here.  _ Please  _ don’t tell me you have a thing for that idiot too. Every girl we meet seems to, please don’t tell me that people interested in him are expanding. Sokka has a big enough head on him as it is, don’t fuel his ego, Zuko. That’s the last thing any of us need.” Katara teases, her expression and voice is completely good natured. It isn’t mocking or accusatory, like she doesn’t seem to have an issue with the fact that Zuko is another man that has a thing for her brother. 

Zuko opens his mouth to say something, feeling his face heat up, unsure if he should defend himself or what. He knows that the Water Tribe is culturally different from the Fire Nation and they don’t have the same opinions on homosexuality. Still, it’s just…out of what he was used to responding with. Anything referring to Zuko’s attraction to other men was usually met with scorn for a lot of his life by those around him. He had learned to bury it deep inside of him, hidden from view so as not to be yet another thing to break him down. 

“Tui and La save us. What do all these people see in him? He’s irritating, loud, stupid, and messy. Sorry, not the point. How have you been since the last time we saw each other? It’s been awhile.” She takes a sip of tea, looking at Zuko, Aang is resting his head on her shoulder. 

Zuko shrugs. “Um, well, I’m sure Toph brought you down here to meet my aunts. They’ve made things a lot better for me. That’s been good. Really good. I’ve been visiting with Toph some, she just has fun sailing around in a giant, stolen, Fire Nation ship that she dents up and buried in dirt to dock. That’s been good too. Yeah…that’s about it, yup.” Zuko wraps his fingers around the edge of the table nervously, unsure what to say or do. He really doesn’t want to start out their reunion talking about all the bad that Zuko had been through. Most everything else he could talk about is irrelevant, boring, personal, or traumatic. “I-I’m sure whatever you and Aang have been up to is far more interesting than what I’ve been doing. Mostly, ya know, bureaucratic stuff on my end.” He laughs nervously, biting his bloody lip again.

Katara and Aang both give him worried looks, Toph squeezes his hand again. He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Ozana. She presses a kiss to his forehead, rubbing his arm. “Would you like some tea, sweetheart?” He nods, surprised that he isn’t already being mocked by Aang and Toph about the pet name. Likely because they can probably both see he isn’t doing great right now and don’t want to upset him over something like that. 

Zuko listens to Katara and Aang talk about their adventures, what they had done. They’ve done more to help the world in a few months than Zuko could ever hope to in his entire life. He isn’t sure why they would even want to be around him, back in the Fire Nation, but he isn’t about to complain. He really has missed them.

It’s pretty clear that Aang and Katara really love and care for each other. It’s through the stories that they tell, how they admire the work, strength, insight, and passion that the other has. It’s clear by how they’ll occasionally touch each other in a soft and affectionate way. While the other is talking sometimes they will just watch them, smiling softly with so much appreciation and respect in their expressions. It’s really nice to see that his friends have found each other. Despite 100 years and completely different cultural backgrounds, they have found each other and seem like they couldn’t fathom being happier. 

When they finish telling their stories, Toph just talks about how she wishes they could have taken her ship and how she wants to see how close she can get it to the palace before someone is both brave and stupid enough to try and stop her. Zuko can’t help but to laugh at that. 

During the conversation, his aunts bring out bowls of noodle soup and join them at the table. He’s grateful that they had the forethought to give Zuko the same sized bowl as everyone else but with significantly less food in it. They had made it clear that he was always welcome and encouraged to eat more if he was still hungry, but they probably figured even eating this would be difficult for him. Especially after telling Nai about father. They had probably figured that he didn’t want to either be forced to show Aang and Katara that he has trouble eating or give himself a lot of anxiety while eating and make him sick later. 

It is amusing to watch Aang and Katara take small bites of soup followed by large bites of fruit due to the spice. Toph has been getting used to the Fire Nation food and has begun to enjoy spicy flavors more. Zuko mostly picks at his soup due to the stirring in his stomach making him feel sick. 

“Katara, Aang…do you know when the Kyoshi warriors and Sokka are going to be here?” Zuko asks quietly. He really does want to see Sokka, but he also really wants to know if Suki is angry at him for kissing Sokka. Zuko doesn’t want to ruin their relationship, they’re happy together, he just wants to be friends with Sokka still. He would be happy if he had the privilege for Sokka to just hold him close after a really bad day. Tell him that he’s going to be okay. Tell him that he isn’t worthless. He really just wants to see Sokka again. 

“Well, he should be here in two or three days. You offered him the position of ambassador and he’s going back to the South Pole to grab some other things he left there because he will be spending most of his time in the Fire Nation now. Also, he’s bringing our dad up here so I can see him again. I’ve missed him. I’m sorry we didn’t ask, by the time either of us even thought about it Sokka was about to set off for the South Pole and there would be no way for me to send a letter and contact him in time for your answer. We also figured you wouldn’t mind.”

Katara’s face is far too cheery. It takes all of Zuko’s control over his body not to let himself throw up at the knowledge that Hakoda would be here. Zuko had managed to avoid him during the Air Temple but everyone likely assumed that it was just because Zuko was avoiding everyone. Most of Team Avatar didn’t trust him and Zuko knew it and he had stayed out of their way. He wasn’t going to be able to hide from Hakoda however long he’s going to be here. He likely won’t be able to eat at all and he can’t hide that from them. Zuko would either be forced to expose the man as someone who harbored cruelty to strengthen his children and Zuko would be left behind as the one who had cost Sokka and Katara their father. The person who would leave them orphans if they cut their father from their lives.

Zuko would lose Sokka forever. Sokka would hate him, despise him for ruining his family. That was an option that he couldn’t face. The other option would be to absorb every blow that Hakoda directed at one of his children. Zuko would be left broken and bleeding and hopefully Hakoda wouldn’t want to take anything more from Zuko while Hakoda was holding power over him. Zuko couldn’t stand to have another set of hands haunting his body, claiming him. 

If he took everything for Katara and Sokka, Zuko would lose himself. If Sokka and Katara understood Hakoda to be cruel either from Zuko’s testimony or seeing it happen in a place Zuko was supposed to control, to make safe for them, Zuko would be the one to blame. If he lost Sokka and Katara, he would likely lose the rest of Team Avatar and he would lose himself anyways. He couldn’t lose them. He would rather die than lose them. He couldn’t lose anymore people simply because he can’t manage to be good enough for anyone. The nightmares Hakoda would cause would be better.

All Zuko could do to respond to Katara’s answer was nod, forcing a small smile on his face.  _ You’ve survived worse, you can do this. You can suffer through this. You can do this. You have to do this. Just think about Sokka. You can do this.  _ That’s the mantra he repeated to himself through the rest of dinner and through the night, not even trying to sleep, just staring up at the ceiling with Toph tucked to his chest.

All he knew is that this was going to be bad but he had to persevere. He had endured worse for less. He could do this. He had to survive Hakoda. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you guys like this, please let me know what you think of this:)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I am coming very close to ending my first fic )search for me) and I have that one updating on Saturday. If Saturday is a preferable day, I could change the update of this one from Wednesday to Saturday if that is preferable. I would have to go back and look how many chapters are left but I think 3 left. Having this one update both Saturday and Wednesday is not an option because I now have an idea for another crappy crackhead fic that will take the place of that or like every other week depending on how long I end up making the chapters. I don't know, I have ADHD and no attention span and get bored easily and need to have both of them to work on or I'll get bored because now my first one is wrapping up so it's not as exciting to write so I'm getting bored of this one by default so those are the vibes. If no one really expresses an opinion, this will stay on Wednesday because it's all the same to me.

Zuko hasn’t been sure how he is supposed to feel about the coming days. He wants Sokka and Suki here, he needs to know if Suki hates him, if Sokka will indefinitely be forced to choose her love over Zuko’s friendship because of the kiss. He hopes that the fact that the Kyoshi warriors are coming and Sokka still is planning on being ambassador means Zuko hasn’t ruined everything. Maybe Suki understands that Zuko wasn’t in his right mind and has no intentions of ever kissing Sokka again. He just wants Sokka to be near him. To make him feel safe just by being here. It’s likely that Mai would be here as well, hopefully she doesn’t hate him and is willing to try and rekindle their friendship despite the lack of romance between them now.

On the other hand, Hakoda is coming and thinking about that makes him sick. Zuko had told Nai about this, pushing back any conversation that they might have about the creature. He had told Nai all of his fears about Hakoda, how if Sokka and Katara realized the truth about him because of Zuko’s interference or complacency, they would hate and leave Zuko for destroying their family. On top of that, they could never be the ones who could ever deserve pain. How Zuko would need to absorb any and all cruelty for Sokka and Katara. That Hakoda wouldn’t hold back after seeing that Zuko would do anything to not be left alone. That Zuko already knew the truth about how one must lead strong soldiers and raise strong children. That Zuko will keep silent about anything Hakoda does to him out of fear and humiliation.

Zuko knows that Hakoda is a respected leader and warrior in his tribe. That his children had lost their mother, their protector. That his children had to protect and help lead the tribe at a very young age. He would have had to make them so strong. Unbreakable. Make them strong enough to drive Sokka to charge at Zuko and his soldiers, alone with nothing but a spear. Not caring for his life, only knowing word couldn’t get back that he had disappointed his father. Gone against his wishes, training and command. Fighting a crew of trained soldiers was apparently less terrifying than facing the wrath of Hakoda for failing to protect the tribe. Fear that ran so deep, so imbedded in the soul it could be mistaken for love. 

Zuko knows that feeling all too well. He still can sometimes convince himself his own father was only trying to raise a strong son.

Nai had explained to Zuko over and over again that Ozai’s warped method of “strengthening” Zuko and Azula was nothing more than abuse and some kind of fucked up power trip he felt the need to assert over his own children. That every instance that Ozai may have told them about how other leaders had trained their children had either been from other people just as twisted as Ozai or lies to make this seem normal. So that Zuko and Azula didn’t see their father as cruel. Didn’t see him as anything less than the man who controlled every element of their lives. Someone who all of their worth came from. 

Nai tries to tell him over and over again that Ozai is the exception for parenting and leadership, not Iroh. That there were far more leaders who trained with their soldiers, led them, and fought with them than those who sat behind the lines and let their perish soldiers without any care. The blood that would soak through their soul leave them unbothered. The stain of war is something most leaders are haunted by, blood staining and illuminating every flaw in their person and every mistake they had ever made. 

That there are far more fathers who love and cherish their children than those who bring them down. Far more who are their child’s first supporter and not their first abuser. That where mothers do love and protect their children, it wasn’t nearly as common as Zuko thought that she would protect them from the father. It was far more common for the mother and father to protect their children from the world as a unit. Keep themselves strong together. 

Zuko had asked where Zai had grown up and what his parents were like. Nai had grown up on a family farm not too far from the city and his mother was also a seamstress once Nai and his siblings were old enough to help on the farm to bring more money in for their family in case something were to come up. Zuko had responded that Nai’s father wasn’t a leader, that he just needed his children to know how to work hard, not to be soldiers at the age of nine, and had stormed off. 

Zuko is sure Nai hates him now for yelling about his parents and then running from the room, not giving Nai a chance to talk anymore about it. Just leaving. 

He had told his aunts about Hakoda and they had tried to soothe his fears as well, saying that Zuko could always just keep away from him if Zuko was too scared to send him away. They didn’t understand that the blame would be placed on Zuko if Sokka and Katara found out about their father. Zuko is the easiest target, they’re in his nation and Zuko was the enemy for so long. The blame had to go somewhere, and Zuko would rather bear the cuts and bruises he would receive from Hakoda than the broken heart that might kill him from his friends. 

His aunts had tried to tell him that even if Hakoda is an abuser, the blame for his actions wouldn’t be placed on Zuko, someone who had nothing to do with Hakoda’s abuse.

They didn’t understand. No one seemed to understand. No one else here was perceived to live the life of a pampered prince when he was really just always a child soldier with a particularly large target on his back who had to learn to keep everything inside.

Zuko had resigned himself to sitting with Aang, Katara, and Toph, waiting for the others to arrive. He was able to convince Toph that he was nervous to see what Suki had to say and about seeing Mai again. Also he was nervous about everyone else seeing how royally fucked up he was. He had laughed a little at his own bad pun before almost completely breaking down again.

All Zuko has to do was get through the time Hakoda would be staying, Hakoda is the chief if his tribe and couldn’t be away forever, then again, Zuko had been able to be away from the Fire Nation for about three weeks and Hakoda would likely want to stay for awhile for plenty of reasons. Zuko isn’t sure if he can handle the man being here for so long. Where Hakoda isn’t a bender, he is large, strong, and a capable soldier. He could do plenty to leave Zuko crumpled in pain, begging for mercy, too scared of the repercussions to defend himself.

He, Toph, Katara, and Aang had been sitting out near the edge of the volcano where they would be able to see the airship coming in. Zuko never wants it to come and he needs it to be here now. He is living every possible thing that Hakoda could do to him over and over again before it even had the chance to take place. Zuko could recover after he left. He could Just be with Sokka and Suki and Hakoda would be gone. Sokka would make him feel safe again.

Too soon and not soon enough, the ship appears on the horizon. Zuko feels like he’s going to vomit, like he’s going to pass out, like he’s going to weep for joy and fear, like he’s safe, like he’s in danger. Despite everything, he can barely force himself to move with his friends, needing Hakoda gone already. 

Zuko manages to keep up with his friends, reaching the docking area for airships about ten minutes before it lands. He hopes the fear isn’t evident on his face as he tears at his lip. His heart is beating so fast he can barely breathe, twitching every so often, trying to not start shaking again as the ship lands. He won’t be able to hide that from anyone.

He sees the door open up and watches people walk down the ramp. Zuko can barely tell any of them apart, his vision is almost completely blurred with fear and anxiety. He hears voices around him, growing louder, too loud, too much. He takes a small step back, wanting to get away but needing to hide the extent of his vulnerability from Hakoda and the fact that something is deeply wrong from his friends.

He feels arms wrap around him and he can’t help but to flinch violently out of the grasp, stumbling backwards and almost falling over. “Zuko? Zuko are you alright?” It’s Suki. He blinks a few times, rubbing his eyes to clear his vision a little. 

Zuko moves forwards, flinging his arms around Suki, holding her close. “Y-yeah, I’m fine, just a little on edge as all. Been much worse. Missed you.” She rubs his back slowly. “Sokka told me you weren’t doing well, I knew that, but Zuko, you look horrible. You seem really freaked out. We’ll all have plenty of time to catch up later, but can Sokka and I talk to you privately? It’s not bad, I promise, I’m just worried about you Zuko. Sokka is too. When was the last time you ate? You look awful.” She whispers, not letting anyone else hear her. 

Zuko just nods, already fighting back tears with all his might. Doubting he could talk and hold back.

“Hey, Sokka, come on! I wanna see where you’re staying so I can bully Zuko into giving me a room close to yours before someone else takes it! Hurry up!” She shouts as she pulls away from the hug, taking Zuko’s hand and running towards the palace, Sokka following close after. He hears a few shouts of annoyance in good humor. At least Zuko had managed to avoid Hakoda at his arrival. That would be the hardest to miss him and the most clear point Zuko was scared of him. Everything would fall apart if his friends knew he was scared, Hakoda would probably like to watch him fall apart in terror before even laying a hand on him.

Luckily, they reach the palace quickly, Sokka and Suki walking on either side of him, giving him worried glances but not speaking to him, likely assuming that he was having enough trouble keeping calm as it is. They would be right to assume that.

Zuko touches Suki’s shoulder, gesturing for them to follow him, unsure if he was allowed to touch Sokka, especially in front of her. He didn’t want to start this off by making assumptions that ended up crossing a line he didn’t know was drawn yet. Suki seemed to be okay with Zuko being around Sokka and if that was all he was going to get, Zuko didn’t dare push it. He would prove to both of them that he had no intentions of making unwanted advances on Sokka. He might be able to remain friends with both of them. If he proved that, he may be allowed to embrace Sokka again, just feeling safe close to him. That's all he wants, just to be allowed close to Sokka.

Zuko guides them to the room he had set up for Sokka. He had been very careful with what he had done. He of course has blue sheets made and clothes fit for the Fire Nation in blue in Sokka’s size. He had been so, very careful with every little thing he had put in there, wanting it to seem friendly and homey, but not come off as making a move.

Zuko had brought books into the room that he thought might interest Sokka. He had always seemed fascinated by science and had books on identifications of Fire Nation flora and fauna and their edible, medicinal, and nefarious uses. He had found books on stars along with star maps that tracked their movements for hundreds of years. There were books with geography and ocean mapping that he could imagine Sokka using to spend hours identifying different rocks with, collecting them and then throwing them at Toph while describing what they are and claiming he was an earthbender. Zuko also managed to find books on mechanics that had been used by many to understand and build machinery better. He was sure Sokka would love that, he would also likely build ridiculous things in his spare time. 

He thought that Sokka might want to understand a little more about the Fire Nation if he was going to be an ambassador soon so Zuko had dug up books on Fire Nation culture consisting of politics, folk tales, history, religion, and customs. There were also just some books that he thought Sokka might find fun to read. Despite the fact that Sokka is a bonafide genius, the man is an idiot and is entertained by the dumbest stuff. It’s impossible to not find endearing. He really hopes that Suki appreciates Sokka and the privilege she has to be with him.

Zuko had stalked the small, but nice bathroom with every scent of soap he could find, remembering how much Sokka had enjoyed the smell. He had been careful to leave out the soap that smells like pine, If Zuko ever did fall asleep on Sokka’s chest again, no matter how unlikely, and he woke up to the smell of pine, the smell of  _ Jet,  _ It might bring him back to that horrible morning. He might think for a moment that Jet is holding him again and either ruin the friendship he had with Sokka, show Sokka that he is beyond repair and like Zuko isn’t trying hard enough or his best isn’t good enough, or be forced to tell Sokka what Jet had done to him. What Zuko had let Jet do to him. No matter how many people said otherwise, Zuko couldn’t shake the feeling he had deserved it, he had let that happen, that he could have stopped it. If Sokka confirmed those thoughts, there would be no coming back from that. It would shatter him.

Zuko had put money in various places around the room. He knew Sokka wouldn’t accept too much from him at first, so Zuko decided to let him come across it as a fun game for it. He had also put a large quantity of assorted jerky in a bag and had it hanging from the ceiling so that critters couldn’t get to it. 

“Zuko, this is beautiful! Also…what’s with the bag? Are there like scorpion wasps in there that are gonna fall out so I have no choice but to come sleep with you?” Zuko shakes his head, biting his lip hard, blood trickling into his mouth and he digs his fingernails into his arm. If he spoke he might end up crying. Sokka’s statement right there might have cost Zuko his friendship with Sokka. Suki really might not want Sokka around him at all. He tries to search Suki’s face for any anger at the comment and finds…none. 

“Zuko, are you alright? Come sit down, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Suki asks softly, touching Zuko’s arm and leading him to the bed and Sokka shuts the door. She helps Zuko sit down before sitting beside him and Sokka is soon on his other side. 

“Hey, buddy, what’s wrong? Did something happen? What’s going on? Can I hold you? That seemed to calm you down last time.” Zuko looks frantically at Suki, needing her approval, not wanting this embrace to be his last. Needing Sokka to stay in his life. Needing his friend. 

“This is about last time, isn’t it Zuko? Sokka said you seemed scared about me knowing you kissed him, I didn’t realize it was this bad. I want you to know I’m not angry at you. Sokka isn’t angry at you. You didn’t hurt him and you stopped after you realized what was going on. From what it sounds like you didn’t really know where you were or what was happening. He said you looked half dead. Whatever was going on when that happened, I know you weren’t in your right mind. It sounds like you were just scared and looking for comfort. Just because he’s my boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s any less of your friend. Please, It’s alright Zuko. I swear it’s alright.”

At that, Zuko practically throws himself in Sokka’s arms, breathing slowly, beginning to slowly calm himself down. Sokka just rubs his back, humming quietly, letting Zuko calm down in the safety of his arms. Letting him breathe and think clearly.

“I’m sorry, Zuko. I thought you were still just kinda freaked out from earlier which is why you didn’t want Suki to know. I didn’t realize whatever's going on ran this deep. I’m sorry I joked about it, I didn’t know you’d been stressing about this for so long. I thought after you had calmed down you had gotten over it. I’m sorry, Zu. I should have made it more clear to you in my letters. I’m so sorry, Zuko.” Zuko is honestly surprised he doesn’t completely break down in his little safe haven right there and then.

“Feeling a bit better now. It’s not just that, there’s also been a lot going on, I have a therapist now, his name is Nai, he’s good, he’s helping, there’s just so  _ much.  _ Stuff that’s happened, happening, or going to happen. It’s been a really rough month, Sokka. It’s been more than me just getting worried about Suki hating me and not wanting me to see you again.” He finally whispers, hoping Sokka doesn’t press too hard.

He just feels Sokka’s hand in his hair, holding him closer. “It's alright, Zuko. No one’s going to hurt you, Suki and the Kyoshi warriors will beat the shit out of anyone who tries. I can also always tell you one of my many wonderful stories if you get upset and can’t sleep one night. I’m glad that you’re getting professional help, I’m sorry but you need it, you really do. This is beyond something support from your friends can fix. Despite that, you’re not alone. You don’t have to do this alone. Just because we can’t help you heal doesn’t mean we can’t give you support. You’re alright, it’s alright. But seriously, what  _ is  _ in the bag?”

“Jerky for a big meat loving jerk.” Zuko mumbles, hugging Sokka a little tighter. “It’s up high because I put it there this morning and I didn’t want bugs to get in there. We don’t need you getting stung by scorpion wasps and coming to snuggle with me.” He hopes that it comes off as he’s not trying to steal Sokka, which he isn’t. Sokka and Suki are happy together and they’re good for each other. He wouldn’t want to mess that up for his own selfish reasons. He also wouldn’t want Sokka doing that because if he woke up with someone under him again who he didn’t fall asleep with he might panic. It would cut so deep to truly mistake Sokka as Jet for even a moment. It would cut far, far too deep to bear. 

“Wait, you left me meat in my room on top of going out of your way to make it feel like home? You’re the best, Zuko, thank you, I’ll eat it all tonight. I’m glad you aren’t our enemy anymore, I’d be missing out on this!” Sokka affectionately squeezes Zuko a little.

“We’ll feed you fresh meat tonight, I just figured if you're doing stuff late one night you might want something to snack on. I’m not just going to leave you here starving.”

“You should know by now, I always want food, especially meat.” Zuko can’t help but to chuckle a little, snuggling closer to Sokka. 

“Wait, so if you went out of your way to make stuff blue and put jerky in here, what else did you put in here, Zuko? I’m curious.” Suki laughs a little as she says it.

“Uh, I got some books I thought Sokka might like, had some clothes made for him, like they’re blue and good for the Fire Nation, not that your clothes aren’t good, Sokka, just, it’s really hot here and I figured you’d want to keep your tribe’s style and color but be comfortable. Also I put soaps in the bathroom because he likes them because they smell nice, And I hid money around the room because he’s stubborn. Uh, Suki, I’m not sure if you were serious about wanting to pick out a room yourself, if you are we can move it, but I kinda already set up a room for you kinda like this and the other warriors, but with, ya know, green and stuff. Not that green is your only personality trait, just, thought you’d like to be reminded of home. Yours is close to Sokka because, ya know. I’m sorry. You can move it or do whatever, It was stupid, I just got excited to see you guys again, I’m sorry.” He pulls away from Sokka, wrapping his arms around his stomach and looking down, feeling so, incredibly stupid.

Suki touches his shoulder, giving him a sad look. “Zuko, please don’t apologize for just trying to be a good friend. It’s alright. I’m sure I’ll love it, but Zuko, really, is there something else going on? Not just general stress and unpacking trauma with your therapist, but something new. You look like you haven’t slept in days, I’m worried about you. This doesn’t seem like it’s all from worrying that we’ll hate you. Talk to us, please.”

Zuko looks down, it definitely is more than that. He is still trying to get over what happened with Jet, trying to bring himself to tell Nai more about the creature without proving he is absolutely insane, and worst of all, Hakoda is coming. Zuko is going to be wallowing in pain and fear for the next while and need to find a way to hide all of it to avoid a far worse fate. He just wants Hakoda gone. He lets out a long, slow breath, trying to compose himself a little. 

“Someone who really hurt me in the past, like, someone who I have regular nightmares about, was recently here. I-I was trying to move past everything, thought it might help me. I don’t want to focus on retribution like my father did but rehabilitation like my uncle, I-I don’t want to be like my father. H-He’s gone now, I got him back to his family, but he did something that really scared me. It wasn’t malicious, he was just trying to help, b-but it really reminded me of what he’s done in the past, and…it was just really horrible. My aunts had to put me on suicide watch after it was so bad and slept with me to keep more nightmares away. I-I sleep better when I’m not alone, makes me feel safe. I-I don’t want to talk more about it and please don’t tell anyone else. I’m just…I’m still getting past it. And please, I know you probably have questions or want to tell me it’s stupid to do that, but I don’t want to talk about it, like at all. I need you to respect that.  _ Please. _ ” 

“Alright, Zu, if you do want to talk about it at any point, I doubt I’ll be as much help as…Nai? Is that his name? Still might feel good to just have another person listen. I love you, Zuko, you’re one of my best friends and I hate seeing you like this. How about we stay here for a little, let you calm down, and then we’ll go rejoin the others. Sound good?” Sokka asks, squeezing Zuko’s hand.

Zuko nods slowly, smiling a little. “Sokka, if it’s alright with both of you, it really just helps when you, or someone else, but especially you, just holds me and hums. I-It drowns out everything else, makes me feel safe.” What he doesn’t say is it quiets the constant drone of his fathers voice and lulls the creature into sleep or at least complacency. It allows Zuko to actually rest his mind for a moment.

Sokka doesn’t even answer, he just pulls Zuko back to his chest, rocking him slowly, and humming. The calming vibrations run through his body, allowing his muscles to relax. “I’m sorry this whole thing freaked you out so much Zuko. I promise that no one is angry at you, Suki thought it was amusing and you didn’t hurt me in the least. If you don’t want us to joke about it or bring it up again, we won’t. I didn’t realize you were still this upset about kissing me. If it makes you feel better you can kiss Suki to even it out.”

“You’re such an asshole, Sokka, anyways, Zuko is starting to seem like better boyfriend material than you. What do you say, Zuko, we get together and make Sokka jealous?” Sokka just grumbles about how no one appreciates him enough and how he’ll just scream for and follow them around until Suki gets back together with Sokka. 

“Thank you, both of you, really. I’m sorry for everything. Kissing you and breaking down. Thank you for staying. I love you both, I’ve missed both of you so much. Thank you for not being angry. I-I got so upset because you guys make me feel safe and the thought of losing you was terrifying and painful.” 

Zuko grudgingly pulls away from Sokka, smiling a little, the weight on his chest not as horrible. There was still Hakoda to deal with but Sokka and Suki didn’t hate him. He could calm down after a particularly bad day with them. He has his aunts, they would hold him even if there was nothing they could do to help him without making things worse. They could comfort him. He could get through this.

  
  
  
  


After Zuko managed to calm himself down enough and showed Suki where her room was, they had made their way back to the others. Zuko isn’t sure how to best approach Hakoda. He doubts that Hakoda would do anything to harm Sokka or Katara in front of everyone, he would need to make it so they were ashamed of what had happened to them in private so they wouldn’t speak up to the other or their friends. If they were all in a group, it would likely be fine. He had managed to keep on the facade of the loving father for 17 years, meaning that Hakoda must have kept his cruelty quiet. Hit them where bruises and cuts could be hidden by clothing. In ways that it didn’t look like something done by a human hand, foot, or weapon. At times where a limp or lack of full use of an arm could be justified by an accident. 

What would probably be the best course of action would be to follow Hakoda when he went to be alone with one of his children, making it so he couldn’t hit them without a pair of eyes watching. Zuko would do his best to keep Sokka and Katara away from the man. Hakoda would eventually try and confront Zuko about it, likely in anger. Zuko would offer himself for Hakoda to take any anger he had for his children. Zuko would bear it so they don’t have to. Zuko would bear any amount of pain to shield Sokka and Katara from harm, two people who had already had a quarter of thor family ripped away from death and didn’t need half of it gone duu to the crushing weight of a cruel reality they had been suffocated in for so long they had never known breath and couldn’t see the pain they were in. Couldn’t yet understand that they didn’t have the loving family they counted on.

The others are in the front of the palace, talking loudly, likely having gotten there recently. They hadn’t run up to the palace like Sokka, Suki, and Zuko had.They had taken their time, catching up, and overall just enjoying each other's company after so long. He scans the crowd for Hakoda and sees him laughing cheerfully as Aang shows him his marble trick and Katara looks affectionately annoyed. Hate for the man burns in Zuko’s chest, momentarily overpowering the fear, glaring at him. Hakoda is  _ just  _ like his own father, a master at manipulating the feelings of others. Considering Hakoda is the chief of a small tribe and not the Fire Lord, it would make sense that he had to learn to appear to be kinder, approachable. He doesn't have the titles Ozai had to back up anything he said. 

Hakoda turns his head, meeting Zuko’s eyes, the smile on his face disappearing and a look of concern replacing it. It just makes the anger in his chest burn hotter and grow heavier. Zuko knows it won’t be long before he’s cowering in a corner from the man, trying to keep himself from falling apart and failing. Right now, he isn’t scared, he is so angry and he wants Hakoda to know just how much Zuko hates him. Zuko will likely never have the courage to let him know. It also might lure Hakoda to him sooner, giving minimal time for Hakoda to hurt his children. 

Zuko is the one that breaks their gaze, looking at the ground, biting his lip again before he begins to walk down the steps, his face lighting up when he sees Mai holding hands with Ty Lee walking towards him. “Mai! You’re alright!” He runs over to her and then stops, looking between Mai and Ty Lee. “Um, is it alright if I hug you? I know we haven’t really talked since… you know, I’ve just missed you and been worried about you. Are you doing alright.”

Mai lets go of Ty Lee’s hand, embracing Zuko. “I’ve been good, really good. I do have to say I’ve missed you too. It’s good to see you again, Zuko.” He can’t help but smile. Mai doesn’t hate him, she cares about him, she seems happy with Ty Lee, she seems to be doing well. Mai is okay. 

Mai pulls away, touching his cheek. “Zuko, when was the last time you slept? Have you seen yourself? You need to lay down, get some rest. Whatever's going on to do this to you, I’m sure everyone here can lift a little of the burden. You know I can get a lot of paperwork done fast if it’s work.” He sees Ty Lee in the hazy periphery of his left eye, leaning in really close to him, smiling widely at the two of them.

“I-It’s not work, It’s personal…It’s bad. I don’t want to talk about it, I really don’t. I’m trying to work through it with my therapist, it’s just…it’s really hard. I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. I think just having my friends here, not feeling so isolated, will help a lot. Also, I never got a chance to tell you, I’m really happy for you and Ty Lee, I really am. I know things didn’t work out between the two of us, but I still care about you a lot and want you in my life. If we could go back to being friends, I would really like that. If that’s okay with you…both of you, I’ve missed you both a lot.”

Ty Lee pulls him into a rib crushing hug. “We’re gonna be best friends forever.” Mai gives him the tiniest hit of a smile which is a lot coming from her. “Of course, Zuko, I would really like that. Just don’t make things weird about Ty Lee and I dating.” She jabs at his chest with a finger while saying that.

Zuko gives her an awkward smile. “Don’t worry, I’m happy for you guys. Also, have one stupid crush on someone whose dating someone else that won’t go away is already more than I can deal with. If it happens, I’ll get you and Ty Lee to beat me up so I’m too scared to have a crush on you and it goes away.” He half jokes, that would get his crush to go away but he might end up scared of Mai all together. He'd burn that bridge if he got to it.

Mai wraps an arm around Zuko’s shoulder, leading him towards the palace. “I don’t understand why everyone has a crush on Sokka of all people. He’s loud and irritating, even Ty Lee thought he was cute for a while and was kinda flirting with him in Ba Sing Se.” Mai grumbles, looking up. Ty Lee punches her arm, laughing.

Zuko can feel his face head up. “Wait, how do you know, I mean, what makes you think it’s Sokka?” He sputters.

Mai sighs, shaking her head. “You’re an open book, Zuko. It wasn’t hard to tell when you were up there with him. It’s pretty ridiculous.” Zuko can’t help but smile at her. Mai is safe and gentle when she chooses to be, she knows him, he would have to really mess up for her to ever hurt him. Despite the changes in their relationship, she is still one of his closest friends.

The group begins to make it’s way inside, likely to get out of the heat of the Fire Nation. The palace had been built to retain as much cool air as possible and allow for airflow, one of the worst things is persistent, stagnant heat. Zuko occasionally glances back at Hakoda, at one point the two lock eyes and they both look away from each other quickly. 

Zuko feels his stomach churning, regretting glaring at Hakoda earlier, he would likely be punished for that. Hopefully, at the very least, Zuko could spare Sokka and Katara sooner. Hakoda had been watching Zuko as well. Hakoda is already targeting him. It takes the years of practice from hiding what he could from his father to keep himself from crying in fear. Crying about all too soon, every inch of skin that could be covered would be painted in painful purple in red by yet another cruel artist. Hopefully Hakoda wouldn’t take anything more from him. Not like Zhao had, Zuko wouldn’t be able to recover from that. Not again. 

The group makes their way into a gathering room, something that may have been a family room for other generations. For the generations that cared about each other and weren’t all driven my hate, fear, and power. It was a space that would be big enough for them all to be together and catch up. An area where Zuko would be able to talk to his friends while keeping an eyes on Hakoda and his interactions with Sokka and Katara.

Zuko isn’t even given a chance to try and begin to relax when he feels a large, strong hand on his shoulder and he feels his blood turn to ice, forcing himself to suppress a sob of despair. He figured this would happen soon, just not this soon. He prays that it isn’t Hakoda, but he can’t think of anyone else it would be. His suspicions are confirmed when the man speaks. 

“Zuko, may I speak to you privately?” Zuko can’t bring himself to speak, he just nods once, looking around the room frantically at all of the people he would sacrifice anything for to help who may not do the same to him. Why don’t even look concerned that Hakoda is leading him away to where an accidental cry of pain could be muffled. A cry that would be heavily punished. Either they don’t understand of they just don’t care.

_ They would never do the same for you, Zuko. They know what you are. You’re taking on the role you deserve, you’re doing one of the few things you’re good at. You’re taking the blame. Do you think anyone would ever put themselves in danger to help you? Do you think anyone would come to save you? Bruises and cuts where clothes will hide them is a mercy to you, Zuko. You know that you could walk out there with handprints around your throat, split skin and bruises on your face, nose bleeding, everyone knowing where they were from and no one would even acknowledge it. No matter what Hakoda may have done to his children in the past, you’re not worth losing their father over. No one would make it so they would risk losing their father over some _ thing _ like you. Worthless, pathetic, expendable, unwanted, a mistake. That’s all you are, that’s all you’ll ever be. _

Zuko doesn’t even try to silence his father. He's right.  _ I’ve always been right, Zuko. Come crawling on your hands and knees and beg for my protection. Beg me to be the only one allowed to touch you. Beg me to keep you on your knees, chained at my side as my trained, loyal, pet. You’ll live your life as a chained, beaten dog, but only by your master. You’ll never have to fear any form of intimate touch, only beatings you earn from me. Come begging to me on your knees and I’ll chain you like that for the rest of your life. I’ll protect you from others. No one besides me will ever lay a hand on you. Just come to me. Come to me now, boy. _

Zuko covers his ears, whimpering, as Hakoda stops walking but leaves his hand on Zuko’s shoulder. They are alone on a back corner of the palace. A small nook with an open window two stories from the ground. His only method of escape would be to drop down out of the palace, giving Hakoda more than enough time to take any and all frustration out on Sokka and Katara. As far as he is concerned, he’s trapped.

This time he can’t stop his emotions from overwhelming him, he can’t stop himself from crying out of absolute terror. Ozai, tearing his mind to shreds and Hakoda about to do the same with his body. He can’t take it anymore. He has so little left of himself, of his mind, his soul, his body. He has so few people in this world who love him and he may have destroyed his relationship with his aunts with his anger and fear the past few days. Ozana may have said she would always love him, but she hadn’t spent enough time with him to understand that everyone would leave him eventually. Including her. Zuko has always been destined to be alone. He was stupid to think otherwise. 

Zuko barely notices as he collapses to the ground, trembling violently, his father laughing cruelly, his vision blurred, heart broken and about to be once again. “Y-you can do whatever y-you want to m-me, sir. J-Just don’t hurt the o-others. N-not Sokka ‘nd Katara. J-Just spare th-them, please, s-sir. Ta-take a-all a-anger o-out on me. I-I’ll k-keep my mouth sh-ut. Won’t tell a-anyone i-if you d-don’t hurt them. I-I know I-I’m a thing, I-I’ll belong t-to you as long a-as you don’t hurt them. Please, sir.”

Zuko stays on his knees, body shaking with silent sobs, giving up the facade of strength, too exhausted to keep it up any longer, waiting for the first blow. Waiting for pain and fear to coarse through his body. Waiting for anything that signifies his end. Praying that the first blow would kill him.

  
  
  
  


Hakoda had never gotten much of a chance to know Zuko despite the opportunities. When Zuko and Sokka had rescued him from the boiling rock, he was too focused on getting out with their lives at first and then reconnecting with his children. Getting to know the boy who had once chased his children across the world wasn’t something that was on his list. However, if he had known that the moment the airship touched the ground Zuko would have vanished, even at meal times, Hakoda would have tried harder. Katara had inherited her temper from her mother, but he had never known her to be cruel, but she made it clear she hated Zuko. She didn’t hide the fact that she was pleased Zuko was starving himself and making himself scarce, only appearing to train Aang or help with something before vanishing again. He wouldn’t even sleep around the others. Hakoda had always assumed that Zuko was always gone because of Katara. Hakoda never even considered it could be himself. 

Considering Zuko and Hakoda never got much of a chance to know each other, he thought of the Fire Lord as a friend to his children and an ally to himself (it still was an odd thought after spending his life at war with the Fire Lord). He just assumed that at this point, Zuko and Hakoda’s relationship was primarily through their mutual relationship with Sokka, Katara, and Aang who he is pretty sure is kind of his son now but not too much because Katara is also dating him. His son, but not in a creepy way, as in Hakoda would love and support him as one of his own children. 

Between Zuko and Hakoda, he assumed that their relationship was mostly professional and he had wanted to change that. Part of his was wary that Zuko was playing some long con or might change his mind later and follow Ozai’s footsteps. Also, Zuko is still just a kid and seems desperate for some kind of validation from others, and Hakoda was willing to provide that. It was almost instinctual. He had spent far too much time away from his own children and possibly the desire to love and support children who didn’t have a loving father came from that. It made him happy, made his own children happy, seemed to make Aang happy, and wasn’t hurting anyone so he saw no reason to think all that deeply into it. Harmless happiness wasn’t something Hakoda thought needed to be fully unpacked.

However, when Zuko had glared at him from the steps, his expression was filled with so much hate and anger. It had been intentional, Zuko had locked eyes with him and silently expressed his hatred. It was so clear, Zuko may as well have been screaming it at the top of his lungs. Hakoda couldn’t think of a reason why Zuko would hate him so much or at all. They weren’t exactly close but they had no reason to be on bad terms.

He had wanted to speak to Zuko to ask him why he was angry. To ask Zuko what Hakoda had done to upset him, If he didn’t know, then Zuko would stay angry at him and Hakoda would remain in the dark, confused by the hatred. 

He had assumed Zuko's slightly odd behavior may be due to his dislike, but then Zuko had begun whimpering as they walked, covering his ears, clawing at his head, and trembling. That had begun to deeply concern Hakoda. When they stopped walking Zuko had started crying and collapsed to his knees, begging Hakoda to harm him. Claiming that he was property and that Hakoda could do whatever he wanted so long as he didn’t harm Sokka or Katara. 

Hakoda is aware that he isn’t the perfect father, that he could have done better. However, given the circumstances, he would say that he had done a pretty good job raising his children, it's like he  _ wanted _ to leave them behind only two years after the death of their mother. However, he had certainly never harmed either of them, completely unsure why Zuko thought that he had ever harmed either of his children, or any child for that matter. What made him even more worried is the fact that Zuko seemed to think that harming his children wasn’t a form of discipline but some sick, twisted, cruel thing Hakoda enjoyed. The fact that Zuko had referred to himself as property was even more concerning. 

Hakoda isn’t used to people being scared of him when he doesn’t literally have a weapon held to their throat or chest in battle. He is certainly not used to children being scared of him. But this is what Zuko is, he, for some reason, is absolutely  _ terrified  _ of him. He’s trembling, crying, begging, scratching at his head, especially near his ears, fully expecting to be harmed. Truly thinking that he had to protect Sokka and Katara from their own father. He knew the previous Fire Lord was a cruel man, but even Ozai couldn’ have instilled this much fear into his own child. Could he?

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees someone looking at them for a long moment before hurrying off, not even saying anything, he hopes that it meant that the person knew that Hakoda wasn’t posing a threat to the young Fire Lord before him. He can’t focus too much on that thought, his thoughts are filled with so much confusion, fear, horror, and sorrow for the tortured man, no, tortured  _ boy,  _ in front of him. 

Hakoda slowly moves to a kneeling position, peering at Zuko’s horror stricken face. “Zuko?” He asks just above a whisper. “Zuko, can you hear me? I won’t hurt you son, I’m not here to hurt anybody. I don’t know who said something to you to make you think I’m going to hurt anyone, especially a child, especially my children, but I won’t. Can I touch you, Zuko?”

Zuko glances up at him briefly. “Do-don’t l-lie. Su-suffered worse. N-n-not stupid.” Zuko wraps his arms around his stomach, bending forward, face only a few inches from the ground. Despite how hard he is shaking and crying, Zuko is barely making a sound. There is a sick feeling in his stomach that Zuko had been forced to learn how to stay silent when terrified or in pain for his own safety.

“Hey, son, what can I do to prove I won’t hurt Sokka or Katara? Can I touch you? I won’t hurt you, I promise I won’t hurt you, Zuko.” Hakoda slowly extends his hand, offering it to Zuko, not sure if touching him would calm Zuko down or freak him out. 

“Y-you can do whatever pleases-you, sir.” Zuko whimpers in response, curling in on himself tighter. This whole situation was just getting worse and worse. Hakoda had expected the worst of this conversation to go was for Zuko to yell at Hakoda for something he didn’t know he had done wrong and then storm off. Hakoda had not expected Zuko to be harboring so much unadulterated terror of him for reasons Hakoda couldn't begin to understand. Hakoda is a soldier, but so are most of the other people that Zuko has associated with, and Zuko could beat him in any physical altercation and not just because of his bending advantage. 

Hakoda just looks at the trembling, sobbing boy in front of him, fighting every instinct in his body to wrap his arms around Zuko and pull him to his chest, sure that it would only make things worse. He isn’t sure if he should leave, Zuko is scared, but he shouldn’t be left alone, not like this. He can’t be alone like this. 

“Sir, I’m going to need you to back away from Zuko, now. Please.” A steady voice says behind him. Hakoda turns and sees a tall, lean man with short, light brown, not pulled into a top knot, an uncommon look for people of the Fire Nation, but he has the gold eyes that exist nowhere else in the world. The man also has a lage, thin blanket over his shoulder that seems to serve no purpose and like it would get in the way considering it’s falling off of his shoulder and dragging on the ground behind him. “I’m going to assume you’re Hakoda, I need you to back away now or force will be used.”

Hakoda opens his mouth, about to ask how the man intended on doing that when he sees three guards standing behind him, they would likely be the ones using force, not the man Hakoda could easily shove over. 

The man crouches down near Zuko, looking at him sadly as Hakoda stands and backs away near the guards, watching them carefully. “Zuko, it’s Nai, can you hear me?” Zuko nods once, hitting the side of his own head, causing Hakoda to flinch, unsure why Zuko kept clawing and hitting his head. “Zuko, do you want you aunts? I’ll have them meet you in your room if you want to see them.” Zuko nods frantically, reaching a hand out, clutching at the front of Nai’s robes, before glancing fearfully at Hakoda and back to Nai.

Nai wraps the large, flimsy looking blanket around Zuko’s shoulders, careful to pull it over his head and cover his face before slowly rubbing Zuko’s upper back.

“Neither Sokka nor Katara will be harmed, if you want a guard near the room where your friends are, we can do that. I promise you, Zuko, Hakoda won’t harm them, he’s not your father, most aren’t like the people you grew up around. I will take personal responsibility if I’m wrong, no one is going to get hurt, you aren’t going to be left behind again, you’re alright, it’s alright. Remember the breathing and grounding exercises we worked on? I want you to do those. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, just think about them and focus on them.”

Zuko pulls the blanket closer around him despite the insufferable heat. He glances quickly at one of the guards, biting his lip and looking back at the floor. 

“You want one of the guards near Hakoda?” Nai asks, softly, touching Zuko’s cheek, encouraging him to look up and Zuko nods again. 

Hakoda isn’t sure how this man he had never met before knew who he was so easily and somehow understood exactly what Zuko was scared of despite having just arrived. Hakoda can’t help to feel angry, hurt, and offended that multiple people would seriously think that Hakoda would ever hurt one of his children. Especially for no apparent reason. That he would hurt his children horribly enough that one of their friends begs Hakoda to hurt him opposed to either Sokka or Katara, which doesn’t make sense at all but also is so incredibly messed up that he doesn’t want to unpack it. On top of that, Nai, whoever he is, is trying to get fucking  _ guards  _ to accompany him to make sure he doesn’t harm anyone. 

As Hakoda tries to make sense of anything that is going on, Nai coaxes Zuko to allow one of the guards to pick him up and take him to his room to calm down. The guard is careful to keep the blanket over Zuko’s head and eyes before she walks off in the opposite direction of the way Zuko and Hakoda had come. Another guard leaves to go find Zuko’s aunts…Hakoda had only thought that Zuko had an uncle, he had never been aware of there being any more members of the royal family.

Finally Nai turns to him, a calm expression meeting Hakoda’s likely confused and angry one. Hakoda opens his mouth, trying to get out some kind of explanation for everything. First off, he had no intentions of hurting anyone here, especially not his own children. He also had no intentions of hurting Zuko, the fucking Fire Lord. He also would have to try to somehow explain that all Hakoda had done was try and talk to Zuko, that he had done nothing to hurt him, hadn’t threatened him or anything. That explanation probably wasn’t going to go well. If Zuko was just trying to find an excuse to lock Hakoda up, he didn’t need to put on such good, hidden acting skills for one person who knew he had done nothing wrong. Maybe this was a very weird first step to trying to start the war again. If it was, he would need to try and warn his kids, all of them, to run and not look back.

Before he can even begin to speak, Nai just raises his hand as a gesture for Hakoda to stop. “I know nothing happened and I know you don’t want to hurt your children nor Zuko. It’s not my place to give you any details about why, I promised Zuko I wouldn’t tell anyone anything without his approval. What I can tell you is that he’s absolutely terrified of you and the only fault you have done is being a father and leader during a time of war with children who needed to take on major leadership responsibilities. He’s been working himself into a frenzy for the past four days about you being here. He’s likely been going through every worst possible scenario in his mind and he hasn't eaten or slept once. On top of that, he has likely been hiding the way he’s feeling from Katara, Aang, and Toph for the past several days and has everything repressed. This was bound to happen, I was hoping to talk to you beforehand, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so soon. We all tried to talk to him and calm him down about this, but he wouldn’t hear it. He’s just a scared kid, he’s only 17 and has been a child soldier for most of his life and has a lot of trouble understanding authority that isn’t cruel, please don’t hold too much resentment for him.”

The look Nai is giving him is pained, pleading, and just overwhelmingly sad. Hakoda slowly lets out his breath he didn’t fully realize he had been holding, shoulders slumping into a relaxed position. “I didn’t realize he would freak out like this, he was glaring at me earlier, I just thought he hated me and I wanted to know what I had done to upset him so much. I didn’t…what  _ happened  _ to him?” Despite still feeling irritated with Zuko, he can't help but feel his heart break for the boy. Zuko was less than a year older than Sokka and had probably experienced more cruelty and horror in his life than some of the most seasoned soldiers Hakoda had fought with, both against and alongside. He had known this from the moment Hakoda had ever laid eyes on the boy, his posture gave the sense of someone who had to force themself upright through anger. Not anger exclusively to hurt others, but anger to protect himself. Anger to make it so he could move forward. Hakoda had never even thought for a moment that it ran this deep. That Zuko had been hiding and starving himself at the air temple because he thought that Hakoda would hurt him, a man Zuko had risked his life and freedom to save.

_ He helped rescue you because you are important to Sokka and Katara. Because he didn’t want Sokka going into the Boiling Rock alone to save you. Because he wants to protect those around him at all costs to himself, even if it makes his life worse in the long run. He just wants to help.  _ The implications of that thought are unimaginably horrible. What Zuko must have been thinking, what he must constantly be going through every day. Every moment of his young life. 

“I know it hurts.” Hakoda looks up at Nai, confused at what that was supposed to mean. “What?”

Nai nods once, clarifying himself. “I know it hurts to see him like that and to think about everything he’s been though. He doesn’t act like it, but he’s still a child and he’s been through more than most grown men. I know you want to comfort him, but please stay away from him. Don’t corner him next time you see him. If you’re in a room with him, try not to stand or sit in a place where you’re blocking his exit or could grab him on his way out. Try to not be alone with him. He will eventually come to you, he likes answers and is impatient. Also, please don’t tell the others about his breakdown, he has a lot of trouble controlling himself once he starts panicking and is almost always humiliated and more people knowing will only make that worse. He had people who he trusts with him in a place he feels safe. If anyone saw you leave with him and asks where he is, just say someone pulled him away for something urgent. Vague can be better.”

Hakoda studies the man’s face for a long moment before nodding and turning to walk back to the others. He can’t ignore the crushing weight off his chest at what had happened to Zuko. What must have happened to him while so young did damage Zuko so horribly. All he knew was as soon as he was alone with his children he was going to hug them and remind them how much he loves them, something Zuko had certainly never heard from his own father. Likely, all Zuko had received from that man was horror. He had received the same as the rest of the world. Ozai saw Zuko as nothing but another thing to control.

  
  
  
  


Ozana has just kept Zuko tucked closed against her chest, wrapped tight in her arms, allowing him to cry and tremble violently for the past hour. Ozana and Ezami were the only ones who came up. Zuko wasn’t sure if it was because they were busy, they didn’t want to see him, or they didn’t want to overwhelm him. He really hopes it's the last one. 

Zuko hadn’t said anything yet, Ozana and Ezami had talked to him but hadn’t necessarily expected any response from him. They just stay close and quiet, keeping him safe. They touch him gently to comfort him, keep him safe from the world around him. Make sure he feels loved despite the fact he deserves none of it. 

“I-I’m sorry.” He finally whispers. “It’s not fair that I keep doing this to you guys. I-I wish I didn’t. I’m sorry, I’m s-so sorry.” 

“Oh, pumpkin, we all know this is so much harder on you. We can all see how much this hurts you every time. How scared you are. We all know you don’t want this to happen, that you’re really trying to get healthier. We all knew the next few days were going to be hard for you with Hakoda coming. Just focus on breathing, calming down, don’t apologize, you’re safe.”

Zuko breathes slowly, focusing on the kind hands touching him, feeling warm and loved. A knock comes at the door and Zuko hides his face in Ozan’s shoulder, not wanting anyone to see him like this. 

“Sparky? I know you’re in there, I know you’re upset. Did something happen? Can I come in? It’s just me, Hakoda had said you had been pulled away for something important but he was lying. I didn’t say anything to anyone, figured I should check with you first.”

Ozana turns his face to look at her. “Do you want her to come in? We can just tell her you aren’t feeling well which isn’t exactly a lie. What do you want, sweetheart? This is about what will help you.” She presses a kiss to his forehead before pulling him a little closer.

Zuko bites his lip, thinking for a moment. He knows that Toph is safe, that he can trust her, that she has given no indication to have any desire to hurt or take advantage of him in any way. He slowly nods. “Wanna see her.”

Ezami stands up, walking over to the door and opening it. Toph immediately scurries into the room, jumping on the bed and looking at Zuko intently. “What happened, Zuko? You seem horrible. Did someone do something to you? Did something happen to someone? Are you alright?” She asks frantically as she tackles Zuko in a hug.

Zuko can’t help but to laugh a little through his hiccups. “I-I don’t wanna talk about it Toph, at least not right now. I know you like answers, but I’ll tell you another time, please?” His voice is rough and pitchy as he speaks, likely due to fear and crying.

“Okay, can I at least stay with you until you feel ready to see the others?” Zuko nods, allowing himself to be held, comforted, kept safe despite the danger he might be exposing Sokka and Katara to. At least Nai had seen how Hakoda had cornered him almost immediately. At least Nai had said that a guard would be near Hakoda to protect Sokka and Katara. Nai might now understand that Zuko isn’t crazy, that fathers who are soldiers and leaders are not like fathers who are farmers. Someone else has seen that Sokka and Katara are in danger, that Hakoda is dangerous.

The four of them stay there for the better part of another hour, mostly listening to Toph telling ridiculous stories about her bending school and new friends and how because she and her kinda boyfriend decided things weren’t working out romantically between them they had a stick fight way too early in the morning and decided to remain friends. If Toph’s intention was to just sooth Zuko’s mind and keep his thoughts off of his troubles, it was working. 

After he calms down some and is able to make it look like he hasn’t spent the past two hours in panic, Toph convinces Zuko to come down and rejoin the others which he reluctantly agrees to.

Before they can go, Ozana speaks up. “Toph, can you give us a moment? I just want to talk to Zuko about something, it’s about what just happened, he’ll tell you when he’s ready but can you please step outside?” Surprisingly, Toph does so with no complaint.

Ozana cups Zuko’s face in her hands. “Zuko, I know you don’t trust Hakoda, but please, he won’t hurt you or the others. I know you have a lot of bad experiences with people with any amount of power, no matter how small and them using it to hurt you. I will vouch for him with everything Katara told me about him the past several days. You don’t have to get close to him, but at least give him a chance. I’m not asking you to trust Hakoda, I’m asking you to trust me. To trust us. Will you try to at least allow him around his children without freaking out on him?”

Zuko is silent for a long moment, very unsure. He had already exposed Hakoda to Nai, he might be able to expose him to Zuko’s aunts, never exposing him to a single member of team Avatar but getting others to understand. Getting others to know he isn’t crazy. 

“I-I’ll try.” He finally whispers.

“That’s all I ask, sweetheart.” Ozana presses another kiss to his forehead before letting him go with Toph. He might be able to make it through this. He might be able to survive. He might get to the other side with some of his sanity left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My google drive decides it doesn't like correcting everything that I spell wrong and I am an American woman with a heavy American accent and heavily use a pronunciation like 'budder' apposed to 'butter' and most everything else with two ts and I write at night to channel my thoughts and sometimes spell things phonetically and I have noticed a few times I have written stuff like that so if you see that, I'm just tired, not an idiot, and id you're not American and see that and are like wtf, that's why.  
> I hope y'all like this.


End file.
